chapter fourteen
LUCIA TUCKED HER hands under her arms, suddenly cold. Even though she’d told Noah they’d figure it out together, what if she couldn’t do it? Talking about the day Rafe had died wasn’t something she knew how to do.
“I hate that I’m even asking you to do this. I’m supposed to protect you from harm, not ask you to walk straight into it.”
Noah’s dull voice broke through her thoughts. As soon as she saw his face it was obvious that this was taking just as great a toll on him as it was on her. He looked like he was staring straight into the pit of hell or perhaps reliving every horrible thing he’d ever done. That probably wasn’t far from the truth if he was thinking about his time working for that horrible organization. She shuddered and wrapped her arms around herself trying to ward off the chill.
Lucia still couldn’t believe that her brother had been a part of something like that. Then again her memories of Rafe had always been faulty, hadn’t they? All she’d seen was the doting, protective, maddening big brother. That was all he’d wanted her to see, wasn’t it? That’s probably what hurt worst of all--that she hadn’t known the brother she’d adored as well as she thought she had.
Lucia closed her eyes. God, Rafe what were you doing?
If someone had told her that anything could hurt worse than losing her brother, she wouldn’t have believed it. But this, learning that every memory she had of their time together was faulty, was agony. It was like losing him all over again.
“You aren’t asking me to do anything that I haven’t tried before. I spent years in therapy trying to remember. It’s just … useless. The things I remember aren’t helpful at all.”
Noah looked up, his forehead pinched. “Maybe that’s not true. Because the things Rafe was doing beforehand might be the missing piece to explain this whole thing.”
“Okay. I’ll try. It’s all such a blur sometimes.”
Lucia sat on the edge of the bed next to him, her hand moving over his back in a circular motion. She wasn’t entirely sure who she was trying to comfort, him or herself. Although she doubted there was any comfort to be had when trying to remember her brother’s final moments.
“We’d had such a good day. It was nice weather, one of the last nice days of the fall and I’d absolutely stuffed myself on funnel cake. Rafe always thought it was funny that I loved them so much I’d eat until I was almost sick.”
The emotion of remembering caught her off guard and she crumpled. Noah wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his lap. Lucia buried her face in his shoulder and breathed in the comforting smell of Noah.
“I’m so sorry. What I wouldn’t give to be able to go back and change what happened that day,” he whispered.
She wiped at her cheeks. “I know. Me too. It’s just hard, you know? It hits me at the weirdest times, remembering how much fun he was. He was so serious with everyone else, but with me he was a bit of a goofball. He was the best big brother.”
Noah sighed. “He was an amazing big brother and he took that seriously. Which tells me there’s no way he would have brought you to the site of a takedown without a very good reason. Did he say anything before you arrived? Maybe on the way there?”
Lucia shook her head. “We’d finished eating when he got a phone call. I’m not sure who it was, but suddenly he said we had to go. I kept asking what was going on but he wouldn’t listen, just pulled me to the car. The whole way there he was on the phone and kept telling me that when we got there, I needed to stay hidden. I’d never seen him like that before. So I promised that I’d stay in the car no matter what.”
Noah pursed his lips. “That’s it? All he said was for you to stay in the car and then he left?”
“Well, actually no. He went to the trunk and he was doing something back there for a minute. I’m not sure what.”
“Probably getting his weapon.”
“But he gave me his gun from the glove compartment.”
Noah got really quiet and Lucia realized he was trying not to point out the obvious. Rafe had been an assassin, so he would have had more than one weapon. Just another reminder that she hadn’t really known her brother at all.
“Okay, so he was probably getting another gun. But that shouldn’t have taken that long.”
“No, it shouldn’t have. Maybe he was calling someone.”
Lucia shook her head. “I really don’t know. I told you. My memories are pretty useless.”
Noah brushed her hair back from her face. “I’m sorry to make you relive all this. Part of me thought if we went over it something would stand out. Something that would make this whole thing make sense.”
“I don’t think anything is going to make sense of this.”
He didn’t answer but then again, she hadn’t expected him to. There was no end to the shadowy paths that Noah and Rafe had traveled before his death. Suddenly Lucia was exhausted, and so incredibly furious at it all. The rage inside had nowhere to go and she practically vibrated with it. It was all so unfair that she wanted someone to blame but no matter how she went round and round in her head, it all came down to a disastrous series of events. The universe had caught them all up in an unfortunate spiral that led to death, pain and a lifetime of regret.
Each of them had been doing the best they could with the hand they’d been dealt. Noah had spent his life in service to an organization that was more evil than good, her brother had been in the wrong place at the wrong time, and Lucia had just been there to be witness to it all.
Not that any of it mattered anymore. Rafe was gone and nothing was going to bring him back. Heartbroken, all the rage left her in a rush, leaving behind an emptiness that made her incredibly tired.
“I miss him.”
Noah kissed the top of her head. “Me too. And I’m sorry for dragging all this stuff up.”
“I’m tired, Noah. So tired of worrying and missing him. So tired of being afraid. I just want it to be over.”
“And it will be. I am going to finish it. I promise.”
Something about the way he said it sent alarm skittering through her nerves. Despite her fatigue, Lucia raised her head and regarded him warily.
“What does that mean?”
But his mask was back in place, the placid expression he always wore hiding whatever she thought she’d heard. He kissed her on the top of the head gently and then lifted her, placing her on the bed. After pulling the covers over her, he stood.
“Nothing princess. Go to sleep.”
Noah stared down at Lucia as she slept, peaceful at last. It had taken her a lot longer than usual to fall asleep, agitated no doubt by his questions. He hated to see her like this and it was even worse that he’d driven her to this state. It was everything he most feared about their relationship, that he’d hurt her just by nature of who he was. Even though it was unintentional, he’d hurt her today.
Never again.
He ducked into his closet and changed quickly into black jeans and a navy blue T-shirt. From a box on the top shelf, he pulled down a black skullcap to cover his hair. Considering how warm it was, too many layers would only draw attention but a hat always helped to obscure the details. Not that he expected there to be any questions about this meeting. If all went according to plan, no one would even see him arrive. However, it was ingrained in him to plan for every contingency. If he needed to be invisible, he would be invisible.
After dressing, he put in the combination for his gun safe. It wouldn’t do to let down his guard around Ian, even though they’d once been friends.
He almost laughed out loud at the thought. There were no friends inside of ORUS. Men he’d worked beside, slept beside, killed beside would have taken him out without a second thought if given the order. It was the way they were trained. He wouldn’t have expected anything else. When he’d gotten out, it had been a chance for a new life. A life where he could form attachments, come to rely on others for more than just back up and have something for himself. Something worth protecting.
Someone worth protecting.
Armed to the teeth, he emerged from the closet and took one last look at Lucia sleeping between his sheets. She’d twisted in the linens so they wrapped around her torso and one arm was flung up, like she was bracing herself for a blow. Even in sleep she didn’t look restful anymore, and that was just one more thing that was his fault. He turned away.
“Where are you going?”
Startled, Noah looked back to see that Lucia was awake. Her eyes roamed over him, taking in the dark attire and the bulge of the weapon in his holster that even his leather jacket couldn’t hide.
Without a word, she opened her arms and he was powerless to resist. He sat on the edge of the bed and leaned down into her embrace. The soft caress of her fingers against his cheek made his heart skip a beat. God, the way she made him feel. She didn’t even know the power she held over him.
“I don’t know what you’re about to do and I probably don’t want to know. But I don’t want you to go. Stay with me.” Lucia’s fingers brushed over his lips like a kiss.
He inhaled, wanting to pull the smell of her scent into his lungs, maybe into his very soul. If he could carry it with him, maybe it would cover the stain of all the horrors he’d endured. Horrors that he didn’t want to touch her. The thought reminded him of what he was about to do.
“I can’t. Lucia, there are things that are happening. Things I can’t tell you.”
She squeezed his arms. “Aren’t we past this? The secrets and the lies? I thought we were starting over?”
“We are but until I close out the past, it’ll just keep coming back to haunt us. This is something that I have to do.”
“Can I come with you?”
Noah winced. Just the idea of Lucia anywhere near Ian with his cold eyes and even colder soul sent shivers through him. He didn’t want any part of his past to ever touch her. She belonged in a castle surrounded by adoring knights not in the dirt with the commoners. Men like Ian, hell, men like him, didn’t deserve to even breathe the same air as Lucia.
“Hell no. You aren’t going anywhere. The guys are all here and this place is locked down. This is the safest place for you.”
“Then that means it’s the safest place for you, too. Stay with me, Noah. I don’t want anything to happen to you, either.”
He opened his mouth to say something, anything to dissuade her from the completely impossible idea of her coming with him but she stopped him with a kiss. It was like a drink of cool water on a hot day, her love flowing over him and healing everything that hurt. His arms tightened around her and he speared his hand into the midst of her wild curls. Lucia sighed as he peppered soft kisses over her face.
“I love you so much, Lucia. Everything I do is for you.”
Her face fell, recognizing that there was nothing she could do to change his mind. She threw herself into his arms, almost strangling him. For a moment, he allowed himself the indulgence of feeling her soft weight against him and the silk of her hair pressed against his cheek. Then he did what he knew had to be done.
Pushed her away.
“I have to go.”
She turned her face away, refusing another kiss. He laughed at the petulant look on her face. Then his laugh dissolved when he saw the sheen of tears in her eyes.
“Hey, don’t cry. Lucia, nothing is going to happen to me. I’m not leaving this earth before my time now that I have something to live for.”
“Stupid, stupid man. Stupid, stubborn man.” She muttered it angrily but all the while her fingers curled around his arm. Reluctant to let go.
“Take a bath. Watch a movie. I’ll be back before you know it.”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t worry your pretty little head, is that it? This is not the Middle Ages, Noah.”
“I know it isn’t. Because my princess has a soaker tub with jets. Unless you’d like me to call your handmaidens to bring up water and pour it in a bucket for you. I’m sure Jonas wouldn’t mind.”
Her lips twitched. “I’m telling Jonas you called him a ‘handmaiden’ just for that.”
“I’m sure he won’t mind. As long as I tell him he’s pretty he’ll forgive me for anything.”
That got a genuine laugh. He was glad he didn’t have to leave her angry with him. Things had to be done; there was no getting around it. But he didn’t want Lucia worrying about it.
She pulled him close and kissed him thoroughly. Just before his brain completely scrambled, she turned over and curled up with his pillow.
“Wake me up when you get home. I don’t care how late it is.”
“Oh I’ll definitely wake you up.”
By the time he got to the parking deck, he was already wishing this meeting with Ian was over. As it turned out, his princess was pretty good at negotiating. She may not have convinced him not to go but she’d made damn sure that he would hurry back.