Chapter Twenty
STACEY READ THE letter twice, then dropped it in her tote. The written apology from Karl would go in her permanent file, and she’d been given a raise. Her team was doing well. Their latest experiments were moving to the human trial stage, which was always exciting. At her last checkup, her doctor had said the baby was developing nicely. Things could not be better.
She just wished she felt better or even okay, but she didn’t. She was restless and sad and emotionally uncomfortable every second of every day. The only place she felt at peace was with Bay and her rapidly growing puppies.
She got home at her usual time and called out a greeting to Kit, then retreated to their bedroom to change her clothes. Once she was in yoga pants and a T-shirt, she went to check on the new family.
Bay waggled her tail as Stacey approached and stretched out her head for a quick rub.
“Hi, sweet girl. How are you feeling? Your babies look good. Are you happy?”
Kit walked into his office and joined her on the floor. “Both my new moms are glowing,” he said, leaning in and giving her a kiss. “How was work?”
“Fine. I have a written apology from Karl.”
“Good. I didn’t want to have to beat him up, but I would have done it for you.”
Kind words, loving words. He was such a good husband and she was a complete and total mess.
“What?” he asked gently. “Stacey, what’s going on? You haven’t been yourself for a while now.”
She stroked the small puppies. They still had their eyes closed, but they were starting to develop personalities. Bay licked her puppy and Stacey’s hand, always the vigilant mother.
“She knows what to do,” Stacey said. “The way she handled the birth and now. She’s amazing.”
Her husband watched her without speaking.
“It’s instinct,” she continued. “It’s very powerful. There are hormones and chemicals at work. Some studies suggest that when animal mothers reject their offspring the hormones aren’t present. Scientists are looking for ways to create them synthetically but I think it’s going to be a long time until that happens.”
“Interesting.” His tone was noncommittal, as if he knew there was more.
She felt their daughter move. While she was happy to know that all was well and to have the regular reminders that Joule was growing stronger every day, she didn’t feel anything else. No connection, no anticipation. If Kit told her he’d changed his mind and wanted them to give up their baby for adoption, she wasn’t sure she would mind very much. Or at all.
A truth that would shock him and probably change how he saw her, she thought sadly.
“Stacey, please. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
What was the line from that movie? You can’t handle the truth. But she had to say something.
She kept her gaze on the puppies as she said, “When I was growing up my mom always said there was something wrong with me, that I wasn’t like other children. I never cared about that before, but I do now.”
She looked at him. “Bunny was right. I’m not normal. I’m not like everyone else.”
He surprised her by smiling. “Is that all? Honey, we’re all broken. Some of us just show it in different ways. It’s okay that you’re scared about how you’re going to deal with Joule. You’re not a kid person and you’ve never been around babies. It may take a while but I’m confident you’ll bond with her and love her. You’re going to be a great mom.”
“What if you’re wrong?”
“I’m not.”
Hardly a helpful statement. “It’s easy for you. You like everyone and everyone likes you. You’re a really good guy.”
“And just as broken as everyone else.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Remember when I told you about being married to Geena?”
His first wife? She nodded.
“She’d had cancer when she a teenager and as a result of that, she couldn’t have children. I told her I was fine with it and we got married. At first everything was okay, but after a couple of years, I started to resent not being able to have kids. I wanted to talk about adoption, but she wasn’t interested. I loved her, but I wasn’t happy and I couldn’t bring myself to tell her.”
“Because it would be like blaming her for having cancer?”
He nodded. “Exactly that. There was an unwritten rule that we were never supposed to talk about her being anything but whole. Just when I finally grew a pair and was going to insist we talk about the problem, her cancer came back.”
He touched her face. “Look at my sister. What she’s been through. I grew up with her high, looking to get high, coming down from being high and generally spiraling out of control. None of us is exactly how we want to be. The goal is to be the best person we can be, given our flaws.”
She knew what he was trying to say and she appreciated the effort, only he was talking about a normal level of brokenness while she was wrestling with the possibility of being so far from everyone else that she couldn’t ever find her way back.
“You’re going to be a great mom.”
Something she knew not to be true, but she loved Kit and she didn’t want him to worry so she kissed him and smiled. “You’re right. It might take a while, but I’ll get there.”
* * *
Becca hadn’t known what to think about Lucas’s lecture. She wanted to tell herself he was wrong about everything, but she couldn’t seem to convince herself. She missed her friends, she missed talking to her mom and she didn’t know how to stop feeling so uncomfortable with herself.
The only two good things she could count on were Jazz and Ashton. Both were there for her. Jazz was always waiting, just like Lucas had said. And Ashton, well, he was funny and kind and every time she thought about him, her heart beat faster.
They’d shared a couple more kisses, so she was getting better at that. She still thought that sleeping with him would change her enough that everything would be okay, only she didn’t know how to tell him she wanted to do that. What did you say? Just blurting it out seemed really impossible, but it wasn’t as if she could bring it up in a text.
From everything she’d heard and read and seen in the movies, guys just naturally tried to take things further and further, but so far Ashton hadn’t done anything other than kiss her. What was up with that?
“Ready?” her mother asked.
Becca collected Jazz’s leash and nodded. “Thanks for dropping me off,” she said. “It’s kind of far to walk both ways.”
“You sure you’re going to be able to get home all right?”
Becca smiled. “I know how to cross the street.”
Her mother laughed. “Okay, okay, you’re right. I can’t help it. No matter how grown-up you are, you’ll always be my little girl. Have fun, sweetie.”
“I will. Thanks, Mom.”
Her mother waved and drove off. Becca watched her go and thought about all that Lucas had said to her about what her mother did for her. She was still kind of mad at him, but she couldn’t stop thinking about his words. Was it possible he was right? Not anything she wanted to deal with so she turned and studied the complex in front of her.
There had to be at least a dozen three-and four-story buildings. Signs pointed every which way, showing where she could find The Clubhouse and Memory Care. She knew her grandmother was in an apartment building called The Beach House, so she followed the signs to that one. Only when she came to two different paths, there was no little arrow showing her where to go.
She chose right and entered one of the apartment buildings. Sliding doors closed behind her, giving her the sensation of being trapped. Jazz stayed close, her ears forward, her head held high as she checked out the situation.
“It’s okay,” Becca told her, gently petting her, even though she wasn’t sure it was.
The foyer opened up onto a big, airy common room with lots of seating and several televisions on the wall. They were all tuned to HGTV, where a cheerful couple explored homes in Spain. Several old people sat in wheelchairs or on sofas. A couple had IVs attached to their arms and one man was slumped over in his wheelchair.
Becca felt herself start to panic. Why was her grandmother living here? She wasn’t old—at least not as old as these people—and she wasn’t sick. Why had she left to come here?
A woman in a bright purple nurse’s uniform walked over and smiled. “Hi. Can I help you?”
“I’m looking for my grandmother.” Becca looked around the room. “I don’t think she’s here.”
“This is one of two skilled nursing facilities. The memory unit is next door.” Her tone gentled. “Did she come in from the hospital?”
“What? No! She’s fine. She just moved out and I...”
The woman touched her arm. “It’s all right. I know this can seem a little scary, but it’s not. Do you know the name of her building?”
“The Beach House.”
The nurse chuckled. “That’s where our wild seniors live. Let me take you to the path and I’ll point the way. I know the campus is big and can be really confusing, but once you get to know your way around, it’s pretty easy to navigate.”
Before they could turn toward the door, a white-haired lady using a walker made her way over. Her attention was focused on Jazz.
“I had a dog just like that one when I was a little girl. I called her Roxie. She and I would play all day long.”
The woman reached out for Jazz to sniff her hand, then leaned forward to pet her. But she was short and the walker was wide and she couldn’t quite reach. Jazz glanced at Becca, who motioned her forward. Jazz immediately walked around to the woman’s side and sat next to her.
“Oh, what a good girl you are,” the woman said as she stroked Jazz’s face. “Just seeing you makes my day.” She smiled at Becca. “You’re a very lucky girl to have such a beautiful dog.”
“I know. Thank you.”
The nurse led Becca out to the main path and pointed the way.
“Turn left at the three palm trees,” she said. “The signs will lead you the rest of the way.” She hesitated. “Have you thought about training your dog to be a therapy animal? She’s so gentle and sweet and I know my residents would love to have her visit.”
“I don’t know anything about that,” Becca admitted. Train Jazz to hang out with old people? Why would she want to do that?
“It’s not that hard to get a dog certified. They have to be trained, but you already have a leg up with her. It would be nice for them and I think your dog might enjoy it, too. Something to consider anyway.”
Becca nodded. “Thanks for the directions.”
She found Bunny’s building and walked inside. The main open area was set up like a big living room, with lots of sofas and chairs. There was a stage at one end and what looked like a very complicated karaoke setup next to it. A woman at the front desk smiled at her.
“You must be Becca. Bunny told us you were going to stop by. She’s on the third floor, apartment 318. You can go on up. There’s an elevator behind me or stairs at each end of the hall.” She pointed to her right. “That staircase gets you the closest.”
“Thank you.”
They walked down a wide hallway. There were a couple of classrooms, a computer lab, a huge movie theater–style room and gym. As she walked by she saw a yoga class in session.
She and Jazz took the stairs to the third floor, then found their way to Bunny’s apartment. Her grandmother answered quickly.
“Becca! You came.” Bunny let her in and petted Jazz. “I’ve missed you so much.”
The warm hug was familiar and comforting. When her grandmother stepped back and led her into the apartment, Becca saw it was about the same size as the one she’d left at their house and all her grandmother’s furniture was in place.
“How are you?” Bunny asked when they were seated, with Jazz lying on the carpet by Becca’s feet. “Tell me everything. I’m so on my own here. It’s not like I ever see your mother.”
“Mom said she’s stopped by to see you twice already and you’re always too busy for her.”
Bunny busied herself pouring lemonade into glasses. “Yes, well, I might have a few things going on, but that’s beside the point. I should come first.”
Two weeks ago, Becca would have enjoyed the bitchfest about her mother, but Lucas’s stupid words were stuck in her head.
“I don’t understand,” she admitted. “You left with no warning. You didn’t talk to Mom at all about your decision—you were just gone. She’s come by to see you, even though you never got in touch with her, and she’s the one in trouble?”
Bunny pressed her lips together. “Why, that’s not at all what I said. How’s school? How are your grades? You only have a few weeks left.”
Becca accepted the change in subject, mostly because she doubted her grandmother would tell her the truth. “I’m doing okay. Better in some classes than in others. Grandma, what’s a memory care unit? Is it for people with Alzheimer’s?”
“Why would you ask?”
“Jazz and I got turned around and ended up there. The lady at the front desk was really nice. One of the residents wanted to pet Jazz. It must be sad not to remember things.”
“I’m sure it is. Getting old isn’t easy or fun, so enjoy being young. Now tell me, what else is going on with you?”
“Just school and stuff. I’m nearly done with my driving hours so I’ll be taking my driving test soon. Oh, I’ve got Dad’s wedding coming up.” She wrinkled her nose. “I don’t know how I feel about that. It’s going to be weird.”
“I don’t think I knew that he was getting remarried. Your mother never tells me anything. Well, it’s her own fault she lost Terence. If she’d taken better care of him, they would still be married.”
The tirade was familiar. Becca had heard her mother and grandmother fighting about it more than once, but it had never been said directly to her and she wasn’t sure how she felt about it. A familiar knot formed in her stomach as she instinctively started petting Jazz. Her dog looked at her anxiously, as if sensing the tension.
“Grandma, please don’t talk about that with me. It’s not right. She’s my mom.”
“Since when did you get so delicate? You have to be very upset with the way she’s changed, working all the time. Her clients matter far more than her family. It’s a disgrace.”
“She’s taking care of me. Do you think my dad cares? He doesn’t. He’s too busy with Alicia and getting married. He hasn’t helped with my driving even once. He never shows up when he says he will. He doesn’t bother to come on the weekends anymore. I never see him. But Mom is always there. Yes, she’s busy, but that’s so she can take care of me. You’re being unfair, and I can’t listen to it anymore.”
She stood and hurried to the door. Jazz was at her side the whole way. Together they ran down the stairs and out of the building. It took Becca a second to get her bearings, then she started for home.
Anger and confusion battled. She didn’t want to take her mom’s side, but she couldn’t help herself. Her grandmother was wrong and always finding fault. That couldn’t feel good and to have Bunny so close, always judging...
Her phone chimed. She pulled it out of her pocket and read the text from Ashton.
Talked to Stacey about the wedding weekend. Want to come over after the fun and stay here? There’s an old show called Mystery Science 3000 that’s pretty cool and lame at the same time. One of the cable channels is having an all-night marathon. Stacey and Kit are in and it would be fun if you’d be here, too.
Her heart bounced so hard, it lodged in her throat. A sleepover with Ashton? Technically it was an all-night TV marathon, but she doubted a very pregnant Stacey would last much past midnight and Kit wouldn’t stay up without her, which meant Becca and Ashton would be alone. For. The. Night! Who knew what could happen. If they slept together, then maybe the rest of her life would start to make sense. At least she would have something in common with Jordan again. Not that Jordan was speaking to her, but still.
Love to. I have to check with my mom. Can Jazz come?
Let me know and sure. Miss you.
Her heart dropped back in place as her breathing stuttered to a stop. He missed her? He missed her? Wasn’t that really close to him liking her? As in “You’re my girlfriend and I really like you?”
Hope burned so hot and bright, she had to close her eyes against the brilliance, then she began to run. Jazz kept up easily, watching her closely as if wanting to know what was going on.
“It’s just Ashton,” she told the dog, even though it was so much more.
Back at the house, she found her mother in her office with Dean. They both looked up at her, then her mother said, “You’re back early.” Her smile faded. “What happened?”
“Nothing much. She had stuff to do.”
“For a woman who went to an old folks’ home to die, your mother has quite the social calendar,” Dean said before heading for the door. “I’ll go busy myself in the craft room for a few minutes.”
Harper waved Becca into his chair. “Tell me what happened. Did she upset you?”
“She didn’t. Mom, it’s okay.” There was no way to talk about all the horrible things her grandmother had said. “I wanted to talk to you about after the wedding. Can I go over to Aunt Stacey’s house? There’s a TV marathon I want to watch.”
“With Ashton?”
Becca felt herself flush. “Yes. He’ll be there, but so will Aunt Stacey and Uncle Kit.”
Her mother’s gaze was steady. “You’re seeing a lot of him.”
“We’re hanging out. He’s nice.” She ducked her head. “It’s not exactly dating, but it’s kind of close.”
“Do you like him?”
Becca nodded, then looked at her mom. She smiled. “Have you seen him? He’s so...”
“Hot?” Her mom laughed. “Can I say that? Does it make me sound old?”
“You can say hot.”
“Those eyes and his smile. Stacey says he’s a really good guy.” Her mother’s expression turned serious. “You know he’s going to college in September, right? At MIT, which means he’ll be all the way across the country.”
“I know. But until then, he’s here. So is Saturday okay?”
“Sure. Don’t forget to pack a change of clothes. There’s no way you’ll want to spend the night in your bridesmaid dress.”
Becca groaned. “No one should have to wear anything with that much pink tulle. I’ll bring yoga pants and a T-shirt.” Anything else would cause suspicion. But she would have on her best bra and matching panties and she’d shave and, well, she didn’t know what else to do to prepare. Maybe she should look that up online.
The sex thing was complicated, she thought as she and Jazz went into her room. Maybe it would be easier when she got the hang of it, but even if it wasn’t, she was going to sleep with Ashton, and then everything would be better.