Chapter Thirty
STACEY TRIED NOT to act too excited about her first day back at work. She knew that Kit was nervous about staying home with JW by himself. Bunny had moved out nearly a week before, leaving the family on their own, and while Kit had taken over the bulk of caring for their daughter, Stacey had always been around to help. She knew he would be perfectly fine—Ashton was due home from work in the late morning and he was always so good with JW, and Bunny had promised to drop by to make sure all was well. Despite that, he looked a little panicked as Stacey fixed her breakfast, and she was doing her best not to break into song at the thought of getting out of the house.
Her body was recovering as expected. She’d been surprised at how sore she’d been and how not nursing had caused its own kind of pain. That was better now and she could move around without discomfort. She could also hold JW and feed her without feeling totally inept, although she preferred for Kit to take care of the baby. Stacey was happy in the more traditional male role, being on the fringes and observing rather than participating. Perhaps when JW was older, she would be more involved.
Kit finished feeding their daughter, then put her on his shoulder to burp her. Stacey finished her breakfast and put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher.
“How are you feeling?” Kit asked. “Any regrets?”
The question confused her. “About?”
“Going back to work.” He turned his head and kissed JW’s ear. “I’ll admit that there’s a ton I don’t know and the responsibility is overwhelming, but I don’t think I could leave her. Not for anything.”
Kit had always been so loving and supportive, so she was unprepared for what seemed to be a blatant dig at her lack of maternal feelings. The need to lash out at him, striking him harder and faster, nearly annihilated her. Only years of rational thought kept her in check. Instead of saying something hurtful, she walked out of the kitchen and back to their bedroom, Bay at her side.
She straightened the bedspread and brushed her teeth. To be honest, there was no reason to linger there—she should collect her things and leave for the office. At least there she was safe. Only she couldn’t seem to make herself go. Kit had hurt her. Kit never hurt her. What was going on?
“I’m sorry.”
She finished rinsing out her mouth and turned to find Kit in the doorway, JW still in his arms.
“I didn’t mean that the way it came out.” His mouth twisted. “I was trying to reassure you that I’d be fine.”
“You think there’s something wrong with me. You think I shouldn’t want to go back to work. We’re near a breakthrough. I do important work.”
I never wanted to be a mother.
Only she couldn’t say that. She’d agreed to have a baby with Kit because she loved him. The fact that she hadn’t thought through the consequences, hadn’t realized an infant was more than a theory, was her own fault.
“Stacey, there’s nothing wrong with you. I know you love JW. Your way is different, but it’s no less valid.”
“I don’t believe you. You’re disappointed.”
“You’re projecting whatever you think you’re supposed to be onto me. I love you exactly as you are and I’m grateful you’re comfortable with me staying home with our daughter.”
His eyes were so kind, she thought absently. She’d noticed that from the first. That and the way his face and body appealed to her sexually.
“I know what people are thinking,” she admitted. “What they’re going to say about me. I don’t like it.”
“They’ve always talked about you. Why is this different?”
“I don’t know, but it is.”
He moved close and kissed her. “You’ll figure it out. Now go on. You have a disease to ass kick.”
She nodded and left. On the short drive to the lab, she did her best to lock away her unsettled feelings. She’d always been able to focus completely on work. Today shouldn’t be any different.
She parked in her usual spot and made her way to her office. Lexi was waiting. Her assistant grinned.
“You’re here. I half expected you to call and say you were extending your leave, but I’m so glad you didn’t. The place is falling apart. Max has been haunting me for the past three days, begging me to give him your home number. His group has hit a snag and they need your help. Karl has been a bear. Your team has made some excellent progress but they have a few questions to run past you and I’ve been holding it all together with rubber bands and prayer.”
Stacey stored her bag. Being back felt right, she thought happily. This was her world and where she belonged. Here she was needed, respected and making a difference.
“We need to prioritize,” she told Lexi.
“I’ve already scheduled everyone. This is the order I’d thought you’d want to see them.” She handed Stacey a list.
Stacey scanned it and nodded. It was barely eight o’clock. None of the meetings started until ten-thirty.
“I appreciate the chance to go through my emails and read up on the logs,” she said, then grinned. “Is there coffee?”
“A giant pot of it. Want me to bring you a cup?”
“I’d love that, thank you.”
Stacey got right to work. She read the summaries on the progress made, making notes as she went. She finished her first cup of coffee and was on her second, when she started to feel...not right. She was too warm. No, she was too hot. She felt a little light-headed and slightly sick to her stomach. Her chest hurt and her throat was tight and she had the strangest need to start crying.
She sucked in a breath and tried to figure out what was happening. The flu? Some other bug? She pressed a hand to her stomach to try to figure out if she was going to throw up. Did she need to—
JW, she thought desperately. She had to see JW. Something was wrong, she could feel it in down to her bones.
She grabbed her backpack and raced out of the building to her car. She drove much faster than the speed limit and made it home in record time, then burst inside, calling out for Kit.
Her husband hurried out of the kitchen. “What’s wrong?”
“The baby, is she okay?”
“She’s sleeping. Stace, what’s going on?”
Stacey ran past him, down the hall and into JW’s room. Sure enough, their daughter lay sleeping soundly, Bay on the comfy dog bed next to her crib, keeping watch as she often did.
Stacey hugged herself tight, as if to hold in all the feelings. Kit came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her.
“It’s okay,” he whispered. “Everyone is fine, even you.”
“I don’t understand. I just knew something was wrong and I had to get back to see her. I had to.”
He chuckled. “You missed her.”
“It wasn’t that. It was something else.” Something she couldn’t explain.
He turned her and smiled at her. “Honey, you missed your baby. That’s what missing someone feels like.”
“I thought I was going to throw up.”
“That could be your hormones getting back to normal. Do you feel okay now?”
She nodded.
He kissed her again. “It’s nice that you miss her. Do you get that?”
She didn’t because nothing about what he was saying made sense. “I guess.”
“That was convincing. Missing your child is completely normal. You want to be with her. That’s not a bad thing.”
It wasn’t, she thought. People missed their children all the time. Even the guys at work talked about their kids—the things they’d done together over the weekend and their hopes for the future. It was...normal.
“I missed her,” she said, hoping it was true, but not quite daring to believe. “I didn’t think I would.”
“I did. Now get back to work and heal the world.”
He hugged her and she breathed in the scent of him, then patted Bay and touched JW’s cheek before going back to her car and driving to work. Lexi was waiting for her in her office.
“You okay?” she asked. “The first meeting starts in ten minutes. You want me to postpone it?”
“No,” Stacey told her with a smile. “I missed my baby so I ran home to see her. I’m back now.”
“You’re the boss.”
Stacey collected her notes and walked toward the conference room. The ache was still there, but alongside it was the knowledge that while she would never be exactly like her mother, she was closer to normal than she’d ever thought she would be. She was almost just like everyone else, and she was a mother.
* * *
Becca watched as Jordan painted Jazz’s nails. Jazz lay patiently, her front paws in front of her. Every now and then she glanced at Becca as if asking if this was really necessary.
“She’s so well behaved,” Jordan said, finishing the first coat. “I thought we’d have to hold her down or something.”
“She’s smart and has a lot of training.” She rubbed Jazz’s head. “Don’t you, sweet girl? You’re so good.”
Jazz’s ears went back and her tiny tail wagged.
“I got approval for my senior project,” Becca said. “I have to journal our progress this summer, and then produce a video about how Jazz helps at the memory unit.”
“Do you remember what we learned from that camp last year? I don’t.”
“I’ve made a few videos for my mom’s company. I’m going to be working there this summer.”
“For your mom?” Jordan wrinkled her nose. “That would be a nightmare for me.”
“No, I’ll work for Dean. He’s really cool and funny.”
Jordan’s mouth twisted. “You have it all together, Becca. When did that happen?”
While we weren’t friends, she thought, then told herself saying that wouldn’t help. She and Jordan were finding their way back and she didn’t want that to change. She was hanging out with Shara more and more, as well, and that felt good. She knew the summer would be busy, with work and her senior project and her friends and Ashton, but she was so tired of being alone that it was okay. She would make it work. And when Ashton left for college, she would be grateful for the distractions.
Jordan started on Jazz’s second coat of polish. Becca petted her dog.
“Are you going to be working this summer?” she asked.
“My mom wants me to intern in her office. I think that’s a bad idea.” Her mouth turned into a grimace. “They’re talking about making me pay for my own gas and stuff, which is totally wrong.” She glanced at Becca. “What do you think of Justin Williams? He wants to hang out.”
“I don’t know him very well. I think he’s nice.” Nowhere near as popular and cool as Nathan, but that was probably a good thing. “Maybe the four of us could do something sometime.”
Jordan nodded and finished the second coat, then put the cap on the bottle and looked at Becca.
“Have you guys, you know, done anything?”
Becca felt herself blush. “No. We talked about it but I’m not ready.” And Ashton had been smart enough to figure that out.
Jordan began to cry. “Don’t do it, Becca. Wait. I’m sorry I believed Nathan. I’m sorry I trusted him. He just said what he had to say to get me to sleep with him. He never cared at all.”
Becca slid across the floor and hugged her friend. “I’m sorry.”
“Me, too. I can’t take it back. I have to live with what I did for the rest of my life.”
Becca had no idea what to say. She felt sick to her stomach and so grateful to Ashton. She’d been willing to give herself to him to be more like Jordan and if he’d been someone else, he would have taken advantage of her.
Jordan sniffed, then straightened and wiped her face. “Okay, this is dumb. It’s over and I don’t care about him. Come on. Let’s go get some ice cream. We can sit outside with Jazz and ignore all the boys who think we’re hot.”
Becca scrambled to her feet. “Even Jazz.”
Jordan laughed. “Even Jazz!”
* * *
Harper went outside to help Dean unload his car. He’d taken over dealing with Cathy and had negotiated a deal that covered supplies and their time, along with a bonus for the rush job.
“These are going to be fun,” she said, fingering the beautiful paper they would use to line the bags. “Cathy might be hell on wheels to work for, but she has great ideas on how to create the world’s most expensive party.”
“Oh, the money I could have spent at that store,” Dean told her. He’d gone to an upscale craft store in Santa Monica. “I need to remove their address from my GPS or I’ll find myself back there again, and Lance will kill me if I bring any more crafts into the house.”
“Doing craft projects with kids is fun,” she teased. “He should know that.”
“Don’t enable me, young lady. If anything, I need an intervention.”
Harper heard a familiar car driving down the street. She turned, already smiling, as Lucas pulled up in front of her house in his silly, white convertible. Then the smile froze, as did the rest of her when she saw his passenger.
The girl was young, beautiful and blonde. She leaned over and whispered something to him before turning to look at Harper.
The earth tilted and Harper’s vision narrowed until all she saw was a pinpoint of light. She couldn’t think, couldn’t speak, couldn’t move. The need to run was powerful, but it was as if her head was disconnected from her body and no messages were getting through.
No, she told herself. This wasn’t happening. Couldn’t be happening. He’d promised.
“Selfish asshole,” Dean snarled, grabbing her arm and pulling her into the house. “I’ll deal with him.”
Harper knew she should say that she was more than capable of fighting her own battles. That she was a mature, self-actualized woman with a successful business and, thanks to an online class, the ability to fix a leaky faucet. Only she couldn’t say anything at all. She could only stand in the foyer and shake.
Dean disappeared outside and returned less than two minutes later. He looked furious and a little intimidating, which she wouldn’t have thought was possible for someone so good-natured. Without saying anything he walked up to her and held her.
“He stopped by to say he couldn’t pick up Thor until later,” Dean told her, his voice thick with anger. “I told him we both knew that wasn’t the reason and that he should get the hell out of here while he still could. I told him he was a total dick and that we both expected better of him. I wanted to say more but the little chickie next to him looked scared, so I had to stop with that.”
Harper’s chest tightened until she thought she might snap in two. Thoughts raced through her brain, one after the other, each more hurtful than the one before. She got the message—he’d stopped by with the girl to show her it was over. Not tell, show. Because they’d had a deal and he’d broken it and rather than man up and say something, he’d been deliberately cruel.
He knew her, knew what she feared. He could have texted her or sent an email. Instead he’d shoved her face in his actions.
“Th-thank you for telling him off,” she whispered against Dean’s chest.
“Hey, we’re a team. More important, we’re friends. I’m just so angry at him.” He stroked her hair. “I’m sorry, Harper. I didn’t expect this.”
“Me, either.”
She wasn’t numb exactly. More in shock. There was plenty of pain, but also disbelief. He’d promised. She couldn’t stop thinking that.
Dean released her. “You okay?”
She shook her head and tried to speak, only she couldn’t. She sucked in air and knew the tears would come—it was just a matter of time.
She felt humiliated and played but mostly devastated. She knew that theirs was supposed to be a casual, sex-based relationship, only she’d allowed herself to feel more and now she was paying the price.
She looked at Dean and saw him glance at the clock. She registered the time, as well, and forced herself to square her shoulders and look as normal as possible, under the circumstances.
“You need to get the kids,” she said. “I’m okay. You go.”
“You’re not okay. I do have to get the twins. Let me get them and bring them back here.”
“No way. I’m about forty seconds from crying and they don’t need to see that. It will terrify them.” She swallowed and sucked in a breath, fighting the inevitable tears. “Would you take Thor back to his house, please? I don’t want Lucas coming by later to get him.” She never wanted to see him again, but wasn’t sure how to make that happen. Lucas was a client and until about two minutes ago, she would have sworn he was a friend.
Dean nodded and called for Thor. The dog came trotting up. Dean snapped on his leash. “I’ll call you in about an hour. Becca should be home, right? Oh, maybe get in touch with Bunny.” He winced. “No, not your mother. She’ll just tell you everything you did wrong, even if it isn’t true.” He stared at her. “You know this isn’t about you, right? Whatever demons have him chasing those little girls have nothing to do with you. You are perfect and lovely and he’s nothing but a lowlife bastard who doesn’t deserve to be alive.”
Dean hugged her again.
Harper did her best to hang on to the little self-control she had left. She knew the storm was coming but she wanted to be alone when it hit. She hurt all over. She felt empty and sad, but mostly, mostly she felt humiliated. She felt as if every flaw, every fear had been exposed to the world, and the world had pointed and laughed. She’d allowed herself to dream, and that dream had been mocked, broken and ground into dust.
“I’ll call you,” he promised.
“Text me,” she told him. “It will be easier for me to lie and say I’m okay.”
He hesitated, then nodded. After the door closed behind Dean and Thor, Harper walked into the kitchen, then went into her office, only to return to the kitchen. The mail sat in a pile on the table.
She picked it up and flipped through it and saw a letter from the IRS.
“Perfect,” she muttered. “Just perfect.”
She ripped open the letter and scanned it, then stared at the check that fluttered to the floor. She read the letter again.
Apparently she’d made a mistake on her taxes and they were refunding three thousand dollars. Wasn’t that an amazing surprise? Shouldn’t she be happy?
The trembling returned. She wrapped her arms around herself, sank into a chair and began to rock back and forth. In and out, she told herself. Breathe in and out. Slowly, steadily. Then her breathing hitched and the tears spilled onto her cheeks. The sobs came next, ripping through her, breaking her until she knew she would never be whole again.