Chapter Thirty-four
The Woodlands had been many things to Tim over the years. At first the city had been a chance at a new beginning, a fresh start after the events in Kansas that now seemed small and distant. Like a sapling, Tim had sprung up out of the dirt only to find his pot was too small and cramped, that he wasn’t getting enough sun or water. Of course the metaphor fell apart right there, since the city wasn’t to blame for his stunted growth. Tim took full responsibility for that now, but in his mind, The Woodlands remained a place of failed potential.
Not anymore. In the passenger seat next to him was Ben, and like a magic totem, Tim was rushing him back to the past to banish those clouds and bring back the sun. Together they could rewrite history, he felt. Of course it would help if Ben stopped looking at him like he was a total stranger.
“So you’ll be running the gallery?” he was asking.
“Yeah.” Tim checked his blind spot and cruised over to the fast lane. “I about flipped when I started working for the foundation. After all those years of having nothing to do, it felt good to have a purpose. Most applicants come around in the spring or summer. Besides that there’s only a fundraiser in the fall, so I still have a lot of free time.”
“How terrible,” Ben interjected.
Tim grinned. “I know, right? My life’s so hard. Anyway, I figure the gallery will keep my hands full the rest of the year by giving me a chance to help out other artists.” He glanced over, hoping to see Ben impressed, but instead that puzzled expression had resurfaced. “Am I not making sense?”
“You are,” Ben said, turning his attention to the road. “That’s how speech therapy makes me feel.”
“You’re still doing that?”
“Yup. Sometimes I wish it was full-time, since it’s a lot more fulfilling than theater work. Being on stage is more self-indulgent than anything. An excuse to sing for an audience.”
“I wouldn’t mind hearing you sing again,” Tim said.
“The show coming up is just straight-up acting,” Ben said, not taking the hint. “I don’t like doing those as much, but Brian always gets Allison to talk me into them. I need the extra money anyway.”
Tim resisted the urge to offer him everything he had. He would give it, if Ben asked, but he also worried about making everything feel weird. Instead he nodded at the highway sign. “Ten more miles and we’re there!”
They exchanged looks that both said the same thing: Is this really a good idea? Then they laughed and scrutinized their surroundings, pointing out familiar landmarks as they entered the city limits.
“Where to first?” Tim asked. “Want to see your parents?”
Ben shook his head. “Not this time. I can only imagine all the questions they’ll have.”
Tim had a few himself. They hadn’t shared any kisses today or any other sign that they were more than old friends. Their reunion might have been fueled by dwindling flames of nostalgia and nothing else. For Ben at least. What Tim felt was so much more.
“I know where we’ll go,” he said, turning down the street.
“No!” Ben laughed. “You’ve got to be kidding.”
“Nope!” Tim pulled into the high school parking lot. “Memory lane!”
“More like death row,” Ben said. “We’re not going in there, are we?”
“Why not? If anyone stops us, we’ll just say we’re picking up our kid.”
“We’re not that old! Besides, what’s the point? It’s not like you and I have many memories here. Not together, at least.”
“True.” Tim considered the school. “Maybe I want to walk down the hallway with you, hand in hand, like I should have done a long time ago.”
Ben’s eyes softened. “You don’t have to do this.”
“I want to.”
Their hands didn’t touch until they pushed open one of the doors and stepped into an empty hallway. Ben was right. The place didn’t hold a lot of memories for them. Tim had only attended this school his junior year, but the universal smell made it feel like every school he’d been in. Dingy lockers, cheap carpet, textbooks, and a touch of desperation. That was the smell of institutionalized education.
Tim reached over, the side of his hand bumping Ben’s, whose fingers responded by tangling up with his own. “So, can I walk you to class?” Tim said.
Ben laughed nervously. “We can leave now.”
“Come on, just down to the end of the hall and back. We’ll be gone before anyone notices.”
That seemed to be the case until they had started heading back. Then the bell rang. As much as Tim said he wanted to do this, when countless teenagers swarmed into the hall around him, he couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable. Not really because of the gay thing—even though they heard plenty of laughs already—but because the students made him feel old while reminding him of how awkward those school days had been.
He scanned the crowd as they walked, looking for the new Stacy Shelly or Bryce Hunter. And of course they received plenty of stares. Girls giggled and guys glared, but a few students they passed looked at them with a mad sort of hope in their eyes. Tim grinned at one of them, nudging Ben after they walked past him. Ben nodded, having seen him too.
“Oh man!” Tim said, laughing with nervous relief when they were outside again. “Could you imagine two guys walking down the hall holding hands when we were in school? I would have freaked.”
“I would have loved it!” Ben said. “Besides, it’s not so unusual anymore. One of my coworkers at the hospital, her son came out when he was fourteen and took his boyfriend to homecoming.”
“Seriously?”
“The times, they are a changin’!”
“Would you have gone to prom with me?” Tim asked.
Ben snorted. “Are you kidding? I would have followed you to the moon.”
Their next destination was even less a part of their history than the school was. Tim had wanted to revisit the past with Ben, but he hadn’t realized until now how much of their relationship was restricted to their teenage bedrooms, hidden away from the world. Tim drove to their old neighborhood, parking near one of the bike trail entrances a few blocks over from either of their houses.
“Go for a walk with me?” he said.
Ben was quiet as they strolled into the trees, but he took Tim’s hand, gripping it tighter when they reached a small man-made lake. Walking around it, they took another path that led to a small playground. The scene had changed, the jungle gym and swings replaced by new equipment, but neither had forgotten what had happened here. The night the police had nearly caught them, quite literally, with their pants down.
“Want to pick up where we left off?” Tim teased, but when he looked over, Ben wasn’t smiling. So maybe this wasn’t the best idea. They did have memories outside of their homes, but few of them were happy. Tim checked his watch. His parents would still be at work, probably. The den, or his old bedroom, those were happy places. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”
During the walk, Ben’s posture relaxed a little. “It’s crazy. How many times do you think I snuck over to your house at night?”
“Hm.” Tim pretended to do some mental calculations. “Once, maybe twice.”
“More like one or two hundred times. I used to hide behind a tree whenever I saw a car coming, like the cops were doing a sweep for forbidden lovers. It was always so quiet, especially in the winter when all you would hear was the wind or a few lonely leaves skittering along. Just me and the stars above, on my way to Tim Wyman’s house.”
“And then you’d crawl into my bed with frozen hands,” Tim said. “You remember my technique for getting them warmed up?”
Ben grinned sheepishly. “These days I can drive anywhere I want without anyone to stop me. I guess the lack of freedom back then made even the simplest thing seem special.”
“It was more than just that,” Tim said. “Sneak over to my house in Austin one night and I’ll prove it.” He stopped on the sidewalk as they reached a driveway and stared. “There it is. Home, sweet home. It looks the same.”
“You sound surprised,” Ben said.
“It’s been a while.”
How long exactly? More than a year, that was certain. Two, maybe? His mother called occasionally, and so did Tim, sometimes, but they didn’t want him to share much about his life. Anytime he mentioned a guy, even just Marcello, she got quiet, no doubt wondering if that person meant something more to him.
At least the locks hadn’t been changed. Tim entered the house with Ben in tow, and after a few murmured jokes, they toured the downstairs in silence. Like in a museum, they walked carefully, not touching any of the exhibits, stopping and staring in silence at some of the same places. The corner of the living room where the Christmas tree had been. The dining room table where they had their candlelight dinner, or the den, which had been their whole world together for the first few weeks. Then they crept up the stairs as if it were another of winter’s midnights, but behind the bedroom door was now just an anonymous guestroom. Only the dresser against the wall was the same.
“Too bad,” Ben said, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I was hoping you had obsessive parents that keep the room a time capsule after their kid leaves.”
“It’s not like I died,” Tim said, even though sometimes it felt that way. He sat on the bed next to Ben. Their backs were to the window that looked out on the back lawn, for which he was grateful. “Ever wish you had a time machine?”
“For what?” Ben laughed, already guessing the answer. “What would you do, travel back here and lock teenage Tim in the closet?”
“Yup. Literally this time. Then I’d wait in bed like the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood.”
“I think teenage Ben would notice you were older.”
Tim leaned against him. “But would he complain? That’s the question.”
“I don’t remember you being this weird,” Ben said, changing subjects.
“Yeah, well, that’s what living the life of a secluded millionaire will do to you.”
Ben’s response was cut short by the sound of the garage door rumbling. Tim tensed.
“Want to sneak out?” Ben offered.
“No. Come on. Let’s go meet them.”
His parents were already in the kitchen when they entered. His father yelped in shock, and his mother pressed a palm to her chest, but when they recognized him they relaxed. Somewhat.
“¡Gordito! What are you doing here? Your car isn’t out front!”
“I just thought I would stop by.” His parents’ full attention was already focused on Ben. “Uh, this is Ben. Ben Bentley. Do you remember him? He had dinner with us when—”
Tim’s father tossed his car keys on the kitchen table. “I’m going up to my office.”
“Why?” Tim said, stepping in his way. “It’s been ages since you saw me, and you’re going to walk away just because I brought my boyfriend along? Seriously?”
His father scowled. “This is my house, young man, and I’ll do as I please!”
Tim stepped aside, sparing a glance for Ben who had moved out of the way. He had his arms crossed defensively over his chest and appeared exceedingly uncomfortable. This made Tim all the more angry. His parents could at least act civil.
“Why do you even care?” Tim shouted after him. “You never wanted a kid, so why do you care that I turned out different than you expected? You couldn’t give a shit about anything good I’ve ever done, but you’ve always been there to make me feel bad when I do wrong.”
His father spun around, face red with barely contained rage. “Maybe if you weren’t such a disappointment I would have cared more!”
“What did you want me to be?” Tim retorted. “Like you? Get a wife, run a boring business, and treat my kids to icy silence? If that’s what I was supposed to be, then I’m glad I disappoint you so much.” Tim glanced at his mother. “And thanks for the few times a year you remembered to pay attention to me. That was real generous of you.”
Tim headed for the door, catching Ben’s eye to make sure he’d follow. Time to get out of here. Tim couldn’t imagine ever coming back. On his way out of the kitchen, he pushed past his father, wanting to shove him, knock him up against the wall—anything to make him hurt half as much as he did. But instead he kept moving, turning his back on him.
Ben followed him through the house, nearly running to keep up. Tim’s hand was on the front door when a voice called after him.
“¡Gordito!”
And he hated himself for doing it, but he hesitated because he still loved his mother, even though he often wished he could forget her altogether. He turned around, noticing how miserable Ben looked. So he put an arm around him. His mother’s eyes widened.
“What?” he spat. “What can you possibly say after all these years? Do you know how lonely I was growing up, how desperate for attention I was? And when I figure out the kind of person I need by my side to not feel that way, you turn your back on me completely. What kind of mother are you?”
“We weren’t ready,” his mother said quickly. “I’m sorry. We weren’t ready for a child, and I tried, and I thought you had enough. Later I saw other parents with their children, and I realized how little we gave you. But you were already older then, too old to start coddling.”
“It’s never too late. I don’t need you to coddle me, but you can treat me like I matter to you.”
His mother took a step forward. “You do matter!”
“Then why aren’t you a part of my life?” Her eyes flicked to Ben and back. “I thought if I brought him here, you would see… I don’t know, that you would understand. It’s just love. It’s no different.” Tim turned, opening the door for Ben so they could leave. “If you ever want to be a part of my life,” he said over his shoulder, “you know where to find me.”
He thought he heard his mother crying on his way out, but he could no longer let that dictate his actions. He had to live his own life, and her tears were her own doing. She could be laughing right now, cooking up a meal for them both and congratulating him on finding Ben again. She was responsible for her own pain. The choice was hers, not his.
“I’m sorry,” Ben said as they walked back to the car.
“It’s not your fault,” Tim said.
“No, I mean for when we were younger. My parents aren’t like yours. When I came out, they were worried about my safety. Maybe it took a little time for them to get used to the idea, but mostly they just had questions. I naively thought it would be the same for you, the same for everyone, so I kept pressuring you to come out.”
Tim shook his head. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Being in the closet didn’t make me happy. You did. I made the wrong choice. Even when you weren’t around, I was glad I came out. I spent so long wishing for their approval and living a lie that it was a relief not to have to try anymore. No more pretending.”
Ben took his hand. “For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you.”
Tim sighed. “Maybe your parents can adopt me.”
“Want me to ask?”
“Yeah. Or I could marry into the family.”
“My sister Karen recently got divorced,” Ben teased.
“That’s not quite what I meant. Hey, did you notice when I called you my boyfriend in front of my parents?”
Ben hesitated. “Yeah.”
“You didn’t disagree. That makes it legal.”
“Really? Is that a Kansas law?”
“Nope. Texas only. I looked it up.”
“Okay.”
Tim glanced over at him. “Okay?”
“Yeah. Okay. I’ll even let you take me out to dinner.”
“One more stop,” Tim said. “Then I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”
Once again they drove to a different neighborhood and parked near one of the bike path entrances. As they walked, Tim held Ben’s hand with confidence. Maybe the previous surprises hadn’t been a hit, but Tim was certain Ben would like this one. They walked down the path together, entering a stretch where the trees on one side fell away to make room for a drainage ditch. The grass was speckled with seasonal yellow. The ditch was just deep enough to cause an injury if someone fell in—a severely sprained ankle, for instance.
“Right here,” Tim said.
Ben shook his head and pulled on his hand. “A little farther. Trust me, I remember this one. I had to come back for my Rollerblades.”
Tim let Ben lead him farther down the path. “This far? Are you sure?”
“Yup. Right here. See that rock down there? It’s probably still splattered with your DNA.”
“Good,” Tim said. “That way future generations can clone me.”
Ben laughed, but his face grew somber as he stared down into the ditch. Was he remembering? If so, why did he look so damn unhappy? Tim had brought him here to show how far they had come, that they had started from something small and could do so again. Maybe Tim needed to take it a step further.
“I feel faint,” he said, groaning dramatically before toppling over and rolling down ditch’s slope. The keys in his pocket hurt like hell, but this time his fall was controlled. He managed to stop just before hitting the rock.
“Are you crazy?” Ben shouted after him.
“No, but I think I jacked up my ankle again.”
“Whatever. Get back up here!”
“I can’t!” Tim groaned. “You have to come rescue me.” He stared at the sky until Ben’s head appeared against the blue and white backdrop. He was smiling. That was something. Tim extended a hand. “Help me up.”
The second Ben took his hand, Tim pulled him down on top of him. Ben’s knee landed dangerously close to his crotch, and the wind was nearly knocked from him, but he didn’t care. He wrapped his arms tight around Ben, who squirmed in protest before giving in.
“You’ll have to let go of me eventually!” he said.
“Nope.” Tim shook his head. “Never again.”
“What if someone sees us down here?”
Tim gasped sarcastically. “Sounds like something I would have said.”
Ben laughed and howled while trying to fight his way free, and eventually Tim loosened his grip. When Ben pushed himself up on his elbows, his eyes were wet from tears. And although the tears had come from laughter, Tim could still see something sad there.
“What’s going on?” he said. “Whatever it is, tell me.”
Ben sighed. “I get what you’re doing today—taking me around to all these places. And standing up to your parents like that. That was both horrifying and wonderful at the same time.”
“They had it coming,” Tim said before searching Ben’s eyes again. “So why do I feel like you’re sad?”
“These places,” Ben glanced around them. “I know exactly where you hurt your ankle because I came back here countless times. After we broke up, I’d walk by here or your house or even the playground by the lake. You asked if I ever wished I had a time machine, and the answer is yes. For months, maybe even years, I wished I could turn back time and stop that night from happening.”
“Would you still?”
Ben rolled over on to his back. “No. Yes. I don’t know. Part of me wishes we could have been together our entire lives. The other part knows that if we hadn’t fallen apart, I never would have met Jace, and I wouldn’t wish that away. Ever.”
Tim sat up and turned to face him. “That’s okay. I’ve thought the same thing before. I regretted leaving you for so long, but if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have met Eric. I love him. Not in the same way you love Jace, but I’d hate to have never met him. Maybe I would have anyway, except we would have met him together.”
Ben frowned. “I don’t think that would have worked with Jace.”
“I guess not.”
“I want to be with you,” Ben said. “You coming back into my life feels like a miracle. It’s just that we both have so much baggage. All the bad things that happened here or in Austin, which is worse, because it’s also full of happy memories with Jace. I wish we could start over somewhere without—”
“We’ll move.” Tim said. “New York, Canada, Europe. You name it. I’ll sell the house and we’ll start over again.”
Ben shook his head. “It’s not that easy. Austin feels like home now. I love my work, and Allison is there. And what about the gallery?”
“None of that matters.”
But he knew it did. The gallery was part of Eric’s legacy, and taking Ben away from everything else that made him happy wouldn’t be good in the long run. Tim’s pulse raced, feeling he was losing Ben again.
Then he took a deep breath and forced himself to relax. They had made it twelve years. Even if they weren’t together for all that time, their feelings for each other had lasted that long. They just needed a neutral place to start over.
Tim reached out, taking Ben’s hands and pulling him into a sitting position. “Let’s get away from it all. Not permanently. Just for a little while. We’ll take a trip but leave the baggage at home.”
“Yeah?” Ben considered the idea. “I could push my appointments at the hospital back a week. Think that’ll be enough?”
Tim laughed. “For you to fall madly in love with me again? How long did it take the first time?”
Ben’s face flushed, but he nodded. “Okay. Let’s do it. Where are we going to go?”