Chapter Eight
It was over.
The past month had been the best of Tim’s life. He’d been to crazy parties—not just sneaking some quick drinks at Darryl’s before his parents got home, but all-night affairs that probably cost more in damages than they did in alcohol. Tim reached a happy impasse with Krista. Their relationship wasn’t going any further, and both were content with that. And then there were the nights spent with Ben. They were the highlight, the times Tim looked forward to most, but now they were over.
Tim attacked the canvas. He wasn’t usually into abstract expressionism, but today he needed to see the reds of rage blurring together with oranges of anxiety. He needed to purge his system of the anger and despair he felt before he crumpled beneath their weight.
He had never wanted things to become complicated. Not with Ben. That meant juggling more separate lives than he usually did, but Tim was skilled at this. Like now, since painting was something private he didn’t share with anyone, even Ben. Such things were necessary. Keeping his parents pleased by not attracting unwanted attention. Maintaining his image at school. Both of these were crucial to making his time with Ben possible. No one was asking questions, drawing unwanted conclusions, or getting in their way. Ben might create the world they shared, but Tim protected it. And now he was being punished for having done so.
A shopping trip to the mall with Krista. That’s when it all started to unravel. As usual, Krista held on to his arm as they moved from store to store. Tim had spotted Ben and his mother first. Thank goodness Krista was distracted by a window display of jewelry when they passed by. Tim nodded at Ben, which was all he could do, but then everything had exploded. Not there at the mall, but the next time they were alone.
Tim could understand how Ben felt. If he had seen some guy hanging off Ben’s arm, it would have hurt, but Ben had known about Krista from the start. He understood she was necessary to maintain the right image—or so Tim had thought. The last time they had seen each other…
“Who do you like more, Krista or me?”
“You,” Tim had told him. And it was true. Ben knew it was. “I like you more. When you’re not pissed at me, at least.”
“Who do you sleep with? It’s not Krista, is it?”
“No. I sleep with you.”
“So why do you need her when you have me?”
And Tim knew that the usual reasons weren’t enough for Ben anymore, that like everything good, things had gotten complicated. Tim attacked the canvas again, but the red he had mixed was a little too pink. He tried adding some yellow near it to make the hue appear deeper, but this only seemed to highlight it.
Tim stepped back and sighed. The painting appeared more amorous than angry. In the center, created by chance, was a shape like one lonely heart, surrounded by a mess of emotions. Feeling sorry for it, he gave the heart a partner, tracing the edge of another right behind it, so close that they almost appeared as one.
He had fucked up. Ben had done everything right, and Tim had ruined it. Of course being with Krista hurt Ben’s feelings. Right from the beginning, Ben had made sure Tim knew he was special, more than just a fling. And Tim had responded by keeping Krista around. And kissing that girl on the beach. What the hell had he been thinking?
Sometimes he wondered if something was wrong with him. Tim felt like a flower starved of sunlight, and every time that fiery orb rose in the sky, he jumped at the opportunity to soak up its warmth. He basked in attention like it gave him life. And now he had caused night to fall on the brightest days he had ever known.
His time with Ben had been precious. No, his relationship with Ben. That’s what it was—could be still—if he somehow salvaged it. If Tim was going to keep Ben, he would have to start taking risks. Starting with Krista Norman.
* * * * *
The flagpole dinged, the halyard and hooks blowing repeatedly against the metal cylinder. The noise seemed to haunt every school Tim had attended. The sound was desolate, one he usually noticed only when the parking lot emptied and everyone had gone home. Like now. School was out and cross country practice was over. Krista had come to watch him, as she sometimes did, and Tim had decided not to delay anymore. Surely this was better than calling her, like he had originally planned.
But watching Krista’s face, he wasn’t so sure.
“Why?” she asked.
“I just can’t be with anyone right now,” Tim said.
“Is it because I—”
“No. It’s not because of that, I promise.”
“Then why?”
Tim had struggled to find the right excuse, anything but the truth. The most effective reasons were also the most hurtful; another girl or that he simply didn’t like her. But he couldn’t bring himself to say any of those things, because as ditzy as Krista was, she was all right.
“There’s stuff going on at home,” Tim said. “It’s complicated, and I don’t like to talk about it. I’m sorry.”
Krista covered her nose and mouth with her hand, as if she could hold back the tears this way. Tim felt terrible.
“You’re the only girl for me,” he said, hoping to make her feel better. “You won’t see me with anyone else. Maybe once everything blows over—”
A false promise, but he hated letting anyone down. For once Krista didn’t have anything to say, so he walked her to her car, which she had parked next to his. When he hugged her, he pretended not to notice her tears. Then he turned, got into his car, and drove away.
* * * * *
Tim stood in front of Ben’s front door, steeling himself. The driveway was overflowing with cars. The street too. Tim had to park half a block down. Five balloons were bundled together and tied to the mailbox. If this wasn’t indication enough, colorful paper letters on the door explained the rest, quivering in the October wind.
Happy Birthday!
Ben’s birthday bash was in full swing. They had talked about Tim attending before their falling out, and of course he had remained silent, not wanting to be around Ben’s family more than he had to. Not that they didn’t seem wonderful, but Tim felt what he and Ben had together was private.
That was about to change. He rang the doorbell and stood there ten seconds before he felt like ditching the present on the porch and jogging to his car. Before he could, the door opened. Ben’s face was lit up, like he’d been on a smiling marathon all day, but his expression shifted to surprise.
“Hey!” Ben said, sounding more upbeat than negative. “Uh, come on in!”
Tim could hear numerous voices elsewhere in the house. He wasn’t ready for this. “That’s okay. I just wanted to bring this by.”
Ben looked down at the present. Tim felt what the paper concealed must be obvious, considering the long thin shape.
“Oh, hi!” Mrs. Bentley appeared behind Ben, beaming at Tim like she always did. “I was wondering when you would show up! Come on in and grab some cake.”
“No really, I—”
Mrs. Bentley waved a hand dismissively. “Come on, don’t let Wilford get out the door, or we’ll never see him again.”
Tim slinked inside, nearly jumping when the door shut behind him. He needed to chill, and quick.
“Time to meet the family,” Ben said with a nervous chuckle. “The extended version.”
“Great.” Tim smiled at him, trying to put an apology into it. As always, Ben seemed to understand. They stood there, eyeing each other like years had passed instead of a week. He could almost imagine them going up to Ben’s room, but Tim was led to the heart of the party—where about ten thousand relatives waited for them.
Well, not that many, but they certainly made Tim’s family seem small. He shook a lot of hands, missed almost all the names, and suffered a few old lady hugs. Then someone tall, dark, and gorgeous hopped in front of Tim’s path like a ninja.
“Allison,” she said by way of introduction, smiling broadly at him.
There was no mistaking that look. She knew everything, absolutely everything, he and Ben had been up to. Tim took her hand and gave her his best smile, which only made her grin grow wider.
“Up close, I can see why Ben puts up with you,” she said playfully.
“Don’t worry,” Tim said. “Once the looks go, I’ll be ancient history and he’ll be all yours again.”
“I’d rather you stick around,” Allison replied. “I’ve had my hands full with the boy for far too long. The break has been nice.”
“I’m standing right here,” Ben said testily.
Tim and Allison laughed. Maybe everything was going to be okay.
“Wait, everyone!” Mrs. Bentley declared. “We have one more present before we light candles.”
“No, you can open it later,” Tim said, his panic rising again as everyone focused on him. “Really!”
Ben snatched the present from his hands, and Tim’s world receded to the shreds of wrapping paper that were flung into the air, revealing his art. Then he could only focus on Ben’s face. Tim was proud of the painting. It wasn’t his usual style, but he felt the blizzard of colors showed passion, the overlapping hearts in the center evoking the right emotion without being too hokey.
Ben seemed lost for words, so his mother spoke for him.
“Isn’t that gorgeous? Did you paint it yourself?”
Tim’s instinct was to lie, but Ben was smiling. Maybe he understood what Tim was trying to say. He was opening his mouth to take credit when Karen, Ben’s sister, spoke first.
“It looks like someone barfed up paint on a canvas.”
“We should have cut your tongue out at birth,” Mr. Bentley scolded.
Tim’s stomach sank. This is why he didn’t tell anyone about his paintings. All of them, even the ones that didn’t turn out well, were close to his heart. Having one out in the open was like having a dagger pressed against his bare chest. Anyone could nudge him and drive the blade in, which Ben’s sister had done.
“It’s just something I found somewhere,” Tim said lamely. “You don’t have to keep it if you don’t want.”
Ben’s eyes, more watery than normal, turned toward him. “I love it!”
Mrs. Bentley looked between them, seeing it all with a mother’s insight, and heroically called attention away from them.
“Okay, everyone! Time for cake!” That did the trick. The relatives hustled away, eager to get a slice. Ben went to claim the first piece, setting aside the painting for now. Tim was tempted to steal it back and smuggle it home. Instead he retreated to the back of the crowd.
“Sorry about Karen,” Allison said, joining him. “She’s one of the most miserable people on the planet. I don’t see how she and Ben can possibly be related, but Ben got all the charm.”
“The looks too,” Tim said, glaring in Karen’s direction as she joined the others in singing Happy Birthday.
“Anyway, he likes the painting,” Allison said. “A lot.”
If anyone would know, she would, so Tim felt a little better. “Thanks.”
“No problem. Just a second,” Allison stepped forward and started singing, just as the birthday song was winding down. She sang an extra verse on her own, her voice like honey. Tim could see why they were best friends. He hoped being able to sing wasn’t a prerequisite of their clique. If so, Tim was screwed.
Ben continued to be held prisoner by his family, each relative eager to have a word with him, so Tim stood back and watched. Part of him was envious that so much love was showered on Ben, but there was no one in the world more deserving. Tim could see Ben had a similar effect on everyone around him. That inner light, the fearless pride inside him—who wouldn’t want to be near that?
Allison dove into the fray and returned with two slices of cake. Tim accepted one of the paper plates gratefully.
“Ben said you weren’t coming,” she remarked.
“To be honest, I wasn’t sure I was still invited.”
Allison smiled slyly. “Either way, I think you’re out of the dog house now. Showing up like that was smooth. I’m going to be hearing about it for weeks.”
“Oh? Does he talk about me a lot?”
Her expression turned coy. “Occasionally.” Allison toyed with her cake, mashing the frosting around in a way that made Tim think of paint. “Just try not to break his heart. You being here today speaks volumes. I’m not going to give you a tired speech about how if you hurt him, I’ll make you regret it. I think you’ve already figured out that losing Ben is much worse than anything I could do to you.”
“Yeah,” Tim said, his voice sounding hoarse.
“Good. Don’t look so down, because he’s heading this way with his happy face on.”
“Hi,” Ben said to him, like they had only just met. “I was thinking we’d hit a haunted house or two. Maybe Ronnie could come along.”
“Ronnie?” Tim asked.
“My boyfriend,” Allison explained before addressing Ben. “Sure. I’ll give him a call.”
She walked away to do just that, Tim’s nerves acting up again. “Does Ronnie go to our school?” he asked.
“Yup.” Ben’s smile faltered a little. “Is that okay?”
“Yeah. Totally.”
Tim wanted to be more open with Ben, but school wasn’t part of that plan. He trusted Allison, since she was Ben’s best friend, but he didn’t know anything about this Ronnie guy. Tim needed time alone with Ben to explain where he was coming from, to tell him how important their secret was, but not so soon after getting back in Ben’s good graces. Like it or not, he’d have to risk an evening out.
Tim didn’t have much to worry about. Ronnie turned out to be pretty cool. He was into sports, which gave them common ground. Tim spent a lot of the drive down to Houston talking to him, feeling unsure what to say to Ben in front of others. The line for the haunted house was long and full of people their age, but Ronnie was still chatting him up. Even if Bryce or Darryl happened to see him now, it wouldn’t be obvious he was hanging out with Ben.
The haunted house itself wasn’t as cool as the ones back in Kansas, but it had all the basic requirements. Some rooms had cheap animatronic monsters; others had costumed actors who did their best to scare them. The chainsaw-wielding guy at the end could already be heard, but first they had a pitch-dark maze to navigate. Tim grabbed Ben, pulling him down a corridor and whispering the words he had been dying to tell him.
“I broke up with her.”
“With Krista?” Ben’s voice was so hopeful that Tim chuckled.
“Yeah. You were right. It’s you I like and it’s you I want.”
He pressed himself against Ben, found his lips in the dark, and kissed him. Soundtracks of creaking boards and howling monsters serenaded them, the smell of smoke machines in the air. Tim couldn’t think of a stranger place to get so turned on, but he could have taken Ben right then and there. Unfortunately, a group of girls bumped into them and shrieked. Why was the universe always throwing women at him?
Tim shouted, causing another round of shrieks that sent them away. Then he took Ben’s hand and led him out of the maze.
* * * * *
The candles were lit one by one, the Zippo lighter singeing Tim’s fingers as the last wick sputtered to life. He turned around. His room looked good in candlelight, especially with Ben in his bed. This was another birthday gift. Tim had given Ben a house key and asked him to sneak in. Having come close to losing him, Tim now needed more than just the weekend nights they shared in Ben’s room.
Of course that meant one more calculated risk. Tim waited farther down the hall, watching Ben creep into his room like a thief. Tim’s parents were out of town for the weekend, but they wouldn’t have heard a thing. Even if they did, they so rarely paid attention.
And now Ben was in his bed, curled up on his side and grinning. “So I hear you’re officially single,” he said. “Does this mean you’re back on the prowl?”
“I never stop prowling.” Tim flicked the Zippo shut, growling like a tiger.
“I see. At the ripe old age of seventeen, don’t you think it’s time you settled down with someone special?”
“Meaning?” Tim inquired.
“I want to be your boyfriend.”
“Jesus, Benjamin! You don’t let up do you?” It took all of Tim’s effort not to smile. Why not make it official? But he didn’t plan on making it easy. “It’s not enough that you make me dump my girlfriend?”
“If she was good enough for you to date, then I am twice as qualified.” Ben smirked and then sang, “Anything a girl can do, I can do better.”
“Off hand, I can think of a few things that you can’t!”
“Well, anyway. What do you think?” Ben’s expression became vulnerable. “Seriously.”
“I think I want a test drive before I buy the car.” Tim pounced on him, and after some wrestling around, shrieking and laughing, their touches became intimate. They didn’t get much sleep that night.
The next morning, Tim had the talk with Ben, hoping he had given enough to get something back. He had just returned from the bathroom when he noticed Ben was awake. After a little banter, Tim decided now was as good a time as any.
“My parents can’t know about this. No one at school either.”
Ben didn’t hold back. “So just like things were before?”
“Not like before. No Krista, no other girls, and definitely no other guys. Just me and you. I want it to stay that way.”
Ben didn’t look convinced, but Tim hoped some part of him understood. He was protecting what they had. The doors to Tim’s heart were open now. He would be Ben’s boyfriend, be loyal, do everything he could to make him happy—but Tim would never let others get near what they had.