Chapter Twenty-six
Tim drummed along with the song on the radio, the steering wheel doubling as a percussion instrument as he shot sidelong glances at the phone in the passenger seat. To call or not to call? Ben had stayed late on Saturday but hadn’t slept over. The next day Ben was home working on his thesis and wasn’t available. Tim had given him his space, but was beginning to regret it. On Monday, once he was done with his only class, he was tempted to drive straight to Ben’s house and would have if Chinchilla didn’t need to go out. Twenty-four hours without an “accident” was a big deal, and Tim hoped to keep the record going.
When he got to his house, Ben’s car was in the driveway, sending his pulse racing. Oddly enough, Ben appeared from around the side of the garage. Was he snooping? Tim would be worried if the garage wasn’t locked, so he pushed the thought from his mind and grinned his approval at the surprise visit.
“Wow,” Tim said as he got out of the car. “Think hard enough about something and it’ll come true.”
“What do you mean?”
One suggestive look, and Ben was enlightened.
“I’m done with school today,” Tim said. “You?”
“Home free.”
“Good. Come inside.”
Ben was uncharacteristically silent as Tim turned the key in the lock. But it wouldn’t turn because it was already unlocked.
“I let myself in around the back,” Ben said sheepishly.
“Want a key to my house?” Tim said as he ushered him in. “I’ll put it on a necklace for you and everything.”
“And then I’ll sneak upstairs to your room at night?”
“Yeah.”
The words sounded humorous, but they carried weight. Tim took Ben’s hand, leading him through the house and up the stairs to his bedroom. Standing next to the bed, he brought Ben close, pressing their hips together and swaying slowly, as if it were the last dance of the night. Ben’s eyes glittered, considering Tim anew. That was good. He wanted Ben to see that everything had changed, but so often he lacked the words to express how. What could he say that would communicate what Eric was to him? What words were sufficient to explain the years of regret that plagued him since the summer of ninety-seven?
So instead, Tim slowly undressed Ben, and unlike Saturday’s blur of heat and passion, today he took his time, kissing Ben everywhere, running his hands along his skin, rediscovering every part of him. When they lay together on the bed, the sex was secondary, a byproduct of their closeness. Even after they came, their touches didn’t cease.
Ben lay in the crook of Tim’s arm, tracing the contours of his muscles. “What are we?” he asked.
“After that? Exhausted.”
“Seriously.”
Okay, time to get real. “Well, I’d like to think that you’re my boyfriend.”
There was a heavy silence. The Ben of old had been so happy when Tim finally confirmed their relationship, but now he was pensive. For the first time, he truly believed Ben had changed just as much as he had.
When Ben finally spoke, Tim was surprised at the topic. “Are you staying in Austin after you graduate?”
“I guess so. I don’t really want to go back to Houston. Do you?”
“No. Do you ever visit?”
Tim readjusted his position, trying to remember the last time he’d gone to see his parents. He kept his answer simple. “For the holidays, yeah.”
“Your parents will be surprised to see me in your life again.”
Surely the dinner thing the other day had been a joke. And why the hell would Ben think that Tim would want to bring him back there?
Ben tensed. “They don’t know you’re gay, do they?”
Okay, so some things hadn’t changed. “Why bother telling them? They’re hardly part of my life.”
Ben propped up on an elbow. “You said you came out!”
“I did! To friends and lots of other people. I don’t tell my family anything about me.”
“But what if they found out?” Ben said. “Last time that almost happened you ditched me rather than be discovered.”
“I’ll tell them if you want,” Tim snapped. “Am I supposed to call them right now, or can we relax?”
Ben swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He sat there a moment before standing and putting on his clothes. Tim was sure he was about to leave, but Ben glanced back and said, “I’ll make us something to eat.”
“Want me to help?”
“No. I can handle it.”
Tim let him go downstairs, staying in bed and thinking it all over. They needed more than this, more than sex to renew their closeness. Maybe he really should take Ben to his parents, correct the mistakes of the past. He could even find Krista Norman and patiently explain to her that he had loved Ben all along. Is that what Ben needed?
Tim got out of bed, put on his boxers, and headed downstairs. The kitchen wasn’t full of sizzling meat or rattling pot lids. Nothing had been disturbed. Ben stood leaning against the counter, doing nothing.
“What’s going on?”
Ben straightened up, heading for the refrigerator. “I was just about to start. Hey, you went shopping!”
“Seriously,” Tim said, walking to him. “Just tell me.”
Ben turned around and sighed. “Look, I know you’re secretive. I remember that about you, and I know you need time to open up.”
Tim raised his hands in defense. “I’m not hiding anything.”
Ben glanced toward the window, and Tim was sure. Ben had been snooping in the garage. “You mean my paintings?”
“Why are they all stuffed in the garage like that?”
“It’s my studio.”
“And it’s full of finished paintings. You practically live in a castle. Hang a few up!”
Tim stared at him. “Seriously? You’re mad that I’m not full of myself and don’t surround myself with my own art?”
Ben’s shoulders slumped. “No. I’m not. I’m just scared that history will repeat itself.” He looked up at Tim. “I’m falling in love with you again. Or I never stopped being in love. I don’t know. It’s so confusing, and everything feels so intense, even more so than when we were younger. Do you know what I mean?”
“Yeah,” Tim said, voice hoarse. He knew.
“Just think how much more it’ll hurt when it doesn’t work out.”
“You say that like it’s a certainty.”
Ben shook his head. “I don’t mean to. Look, just promise me that I can trust you. That whatever secrets you have can’t hurt us.”
“I don’t have any secrets,” Tim lied. How could he ever confess what he and Aaron had done? But Ben needed more, like he always did. “Earlier, in bed, you asked about the scar on my arm.”
Ben nodded “You said it was a mistake, whatever that means.”
“Yeah. A mistake. His name was Travis.”
Tim took a deep breath and told Ben his story.
* * * * *
His contemporary art final completed, Tim walked out the classroom door, wishing he could magically end up on stage to accept his diploma. His college education was at an end, assuming he passed. He was certain he’d squeaked by, at the very least. Despite still not knowing what to do with his future, he felt a sense of pride for buckling down and getting through it all, especially in the last year when Eric’s money made dropping out a strong temptation.
“How’d you do?” Aaron said outside in the hall.
Tim had been hoping to avoid him. He had plans to meet Ben for lunch, but he could spare a few minutes. “On the final? No problem. You?”
“I’m sure I passed, not that it matters.”
“Taking my money to the nearest beauty school?”
Aaron laughed. “Something like that. How’s it going with Ben?”
“Good.” Tim nodded slowly. “I think we’re getting there.”
Aaron’s expression was a little snide, but he said, “He’s lucky. It’s sort of romantic what lengths you went to. I mean, it’s twisted, but also kind of sweet.”
“Thanks. Listen, I’m sorry if I sent any mixed signals. It’s been a very weird year.”
Aaron rolled his eyes but didn’t look angry. “No big deal. I figure I’ll find the right guy while cutting hair. If I get a job at a ritzy salon, I’ll have my pick of rich old—”
Aaron never finished his sentence because someone grabbed him and spun him around. When Tim saw who, his stomach sank.
“You go to school here?” Ben said incredulously.
“What the hell?” Aaron snapped before he caught up with the plot. “Oh god! Leave me alone!”
Aaron tried pulling away, but Ben kept his grip on his shoulder, grabbing the other. Tim hadn’t seen him like this since their brawl with Bryce and his cousin.
“I thought you were from out of town.” Ben snarled. “You’re a student here, aren’t you?”
“Ask Tim!” Aaron whined. “Leave me out of your little love triangle.”
Aaron was released, backing away before he turned and fled from the building. The fight had gone out of Ben, but his breathing still came fast as he stared into space, the puzzle pieces coming together. Then he glanced over at Tim, abhorrence in his eyes before he turned away.
“Benjamin, wait!” Tim started after him, ducking in front of him. “Let me explain.”
“You lied! And I was stupid enough to believe you. And now Jace—” Ben’s voice strangled to a halt, Jace’s name little more than a whisper. He looked at Tim, shaking his head as if the truth was too horrible to believe.
Tim was losing him. Again.
“I would do anything to be with you.” Tim put all of himself into his words, desperate to convince Ben that this time he was telling the truth. “Yeah, I lied, but I don’t regret it. If that’s what it took to get you back, then it was worth it.”
He tried embracing Ben, hoping he would cry this one last time, get it all out so they could move on. Instead Ben exploded, arms lashing out and knocking Tim away. Unrestrained, he rushed toward the daylight at the end of the hallway.
“I fucked up, okay?” Tim called after him.
Ben kept moving.
“I didn’t know how bad leaving Jace would hurt you.”
Ben reached the doors and shoved them open, Tim hot on his heels and struggling to find words powerful enough to make him stop.
“You kissed me! It’s not like everything was perfect between you two. You wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with you.”
Ben was beside his car now, shaking his head and fumbling with the keys.
“You wanted to believe the lie.”
The keys clattered to the ground. Tim felt one feeble thread of hope reach out to him.
“You wanted an excuse to come running to me. You wanted your relationship with Jace to fall apart just as much as I did.”
Ben turned and leaned against his car like he was about to faint. Tim took hold of his arms, happy for the excuse to touch him, to breach the distance that threatened to consume them.
Ben was incredulous. “What is it with us? Our lives are always so fucked up when we’re together. Is that what makes us attracted to each other?” He shook his head again. “It’s like those studies where a woman meets a man on a swinging bridge over a crevice and finds him extremely attractive, but when she sees him in a safe environment she barely gives him a second glance. We like each other now, but what happens when the danger dies down, when our love is no longer forbidden or a secret? What’s left between us then?”
“A lot,” Tim said. “I promise.”
The way Ben looked at him, he might as well have been speaking gibberish. “How can I even trust you anymore? You lie about coming out, you hide your paintings. Is there anything real about you? Do I even know you?”
“Don’t say that,” Tim pleaded. “You know me. You might be the only one, but you know me.”
“Well, maybe I don’t want to anymore.”
Tim let his hands fall. The second he was free, Ben picked up his keys and got into the car. Tim watched him, hoping he would stop, roll down the window, and say he didn’t mean it, that passion had shaped these false words. But Ben didn’t even glance at him—not once—before he drove away.
* * * * *
The phone rang and rang on the other side, a sad whale song against his ear. Usually there was no answer, but when Allison answered, she would tell Tim that Ben wasn’t home. He kept calling anyway, desperate to apologize, to explain himself, even though he knew it wouldn’t help. Tiring of never getting anywhere, Tim showed up in person.
Allison answered the door.
“He’s not here.”
Tim sighed and spun around to check the driveway. Ben’s car wasn’t there, but maybe he had parked around the block.
“Want to come in?” Allison offered.
“No. I believe you.”
“I wanted to talk to you anyway,” she said.
Tim hesitated. She didn’t seem angry with him. “Did Ben tell you what happened?”
She nodded. “It was lower than low, but I have to give you props. I never thought you’d do something that crazy to win Ben back.”
“Seriously? You’re just now figuring out how much he means to me?”
Allison shrugged. “You aren’t the most forthcoming guy with your emotions. Before, I thought you only wanted Ben in your life when it was convenient for you.”
“Believe me,” Tim said, “our relationship has never been convenient.”
Allison’s smile was sympathetic, but her expression became somber. “They’re getting back together.”
“What?”
“Jace and Ben. Right now Ben is avoiding both of you, but he regrets what happened with Jace and wishes they could start over.”
Tim shook his head. “Jace won’t take him back when he finds out about me.”
“He will,” Allison said. “I told him everything. Jace still wants him back.”
Seriously? Could anyone really be that nice?
Allison read his expression. “The man is a saint. I know you and Ben have your history, but so do they. And Jace has never hurt Ben. Ever. Maybe he will someday, but not intentionally. He’s too good a man.”
“So they keep telling me,” Tim muttered.
“Graduation is tomorrow.”
“I know.” Tim had thought about it obsessively because Ben was sure to be there. He didn’t want to patch up things in public, but it might be his only hope.
“Jace will be going,” Allison said. “It’s a surprise. Ben doesn’t know. It’s their best chance of getting back together, and I need you to do the right thing. If you love Ben, if you want him to be happy, you’ll back off and let them be.”
“I don’t want to,” Tim said, but without defiance. Instead he felt like a child struggling against the inevitable. “I want to be the one to make him happy.”
“Well, here’s your chance,” Allison said. “A lot of guys tried to fill your shoes, but they were either trash or weren’t good enough for Ben. Then Jace came along, and all Ben’s dreams came true. Give them their space. Let Ben be with the person who makes him happiest.”
“Is he really that good?” Tim asked.
“Jace?” Allison nodded. “He’s pretty damn incredible.”
Tim couldn’t say yes—at least not verbally. He didn’t trust his voice to be strong enough. But he nodded, and Allison hugged him.
“Thank you,” she said with a squeeze. “And I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, me too.” Tim took a few steps back. “Listen, if it doesn’t work out between them, let me know, all right? Just on the off chance that Jace is a serial killer or something.”
“It is always the nice ones.”
They shared an awkward laugh before Tim said goodbye, the words meant more for Ben than for anyone else.
Goodbye, Benjamin.