Chapter Thirty-six
Back on the streets of Xochimilco, where the narrow alleys felt like hallways, Tim waited patiently for Ben to share his opinion of the woman he loved so much.
“She’s cool,” Ben said.
“Yeah.” Tim nodded thoughtfully. “Cooler than I thought she would be. I figured she’d be uncomfortable. She was one of the main reasons I didn’t want to come out.”
“I worried about that too,” Ben said. “Every kid is used to their parents being angry, and disappointing them is part of growing up, but grandmas are sacred. When they’re unhappy, it feels horrible.”
“Exactly. I thought she would be broken hearted. But she seems okay.”
“Better than okay.” Ben laughed. “She’s awesome. I’m glad we’re staying there.”
Tim thought again of the luxurious hotel room, but didn’t say anything. He’d cancel the reservation later, but for now, he was determined not to become discouraged. “What do you want to see first? The National Palace? Some ancient pyramids? The Metropolitan Cathedral?”
“What about that volcano you used to talk about. Popo-oh-no, or something.”
Tim grinned. “Popocatépetl. That’s more of a day trip.”
“Oh. How about we ride those boats?”
“We can do that tonight. I don’t want to sit down anymore, do you?”
“I guess not.” Ben glanced around. “I don’t know. It’s all so new that anything will be interesting. You decide.”
“Okay, then. It’s straight into the heart of the city for us.”
They took a train to the Plaza de la Constitucion, a huge empty plaza in the middle of Mexico City. The world’s largest public square was impressive for its size alone, but something about all the concrete felt too militant. Tim considered the plaza an ideal starting place and nothing more. They wandered the city, soaking up the sights and sounds. Tim kept pulling Ben down small side streets to show him buildings that went from impressive to patchwork and weird.
“When I was a kid, this city felt like a wonderland to me,” Tim said. “Have you noticed how nothing really fits a scheme?”
“Yeah.” Ben glanced around. “No more cookie-cutter suburbs and strip malls.”
“Exactly. It’s like architects here just wake up every morning and say, ‘Well, what the hell should we try today?’”
“Some of these buildings look a little homemade,” Ben said carefully.
Tim laughed. “Some of them probably are, but that’s what makes them unique. The possibilities are endless. Wait until you see the more modern buildings here.”
“That’s right. You studied architecture, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, and man was that a buzz-kill. The practical aspects weren’t nearly as cool as my dreams. Maybe if I had lived down here I would have stayed interested, but in the U.S., I felt like I was learning how to build a bigger and better Walmart.”
“But think of all the people who need to buy cheap underwear and cheese in one convenient trip,” Ben teased.
Tim shrugged. “They’ll have to go commando and starve. I like painting better since I don’t have to limit my imagination. Or worry about a roof falling in on people.”
“Painting suits you better, anyway,” Ben said, taking his hand.
“Yeah?”
“I think so. You look like a jock but have the soul of an artist. What more could a guy want?”
“A gorgeous singing voice?”
Ben grinned at this flattery.
“A brave heart?”
Now Ben’s smile faltered. “I’m not so brave.”
“That’s not what I remember. The things you talked a teenage closet case into doing! Need I remind you?”
Ben turned a little red. “No need. I have a very good memory.”
Tim looked him over. “You know, we could still check into that hotel room, just for a little while.”
Ben looked uncomfortable, letting go of Tim’s hand to scratch his nose and not offering it again. He headed toward one of the major streets. “Let’s do some shopping. I think all this walking down back alleys is giving you the wrong idea about me.”
Ben’s tones were jovial, but he wasn’t looking at Tim anymore. “Sounded like the right idea to me,” Tim joked, stepping in at his side, but Ben didn’t laugh.
Talk about mixed signals! What was going on? They were somewhere new, their pasts far behind them, and it sure as hell seemed like Ben was interested. But every time Tim tried to get intimate, it appeared to cause Ben pain. Was it Jace? Had his ghost followed them all the way down here?
“Ben?” Tim reached out and took his hand. “Hold up a minute.”
Ben turned, his expression stopping Tim dead in his tracks. He could read Ben, knew his body language fluently, but Tim had never seen this before. The message Ben’s face conveyed was crystal clear: Not now. We’re not going to talk about this now.
Tim never expected that. Not from Ben, of all people. The bravest, boldest spirit he’d known in his life was avoiding a subject and asking Tim to do the same.
“Talk to me,” Tim tried.
Ben’s eyes softened. “Let’s just do some shopping, okay?” He squeezed Tim’s hand. “That’s what I need.”
“Okay,” Tim said, feeling anything but certain.
They hit some stores but didn’t buy anything since Ben only seemed interested in browsing. Ben didn’t act moody during this. He still made casual conversation, Tim glad to join him, but the topics remained superficial. They even held hands, but this felt more like a consolation prize than anything. When their feet grew tired, they rested at a café and drank fruity aguas frescas as the sun went down. As much as Tim enjoyed watching people and taking in the sights and sounds, he found himself wanting to be alone with Ben. Maybe in privacy the truth would come out.
They caught a train back to Xochimilco, stopping in to check on Nana before heading for the canal boats. She loaded them up with leftovers, which Tim gratefully accepted. Bringing food and drinks on the trajineras boats was the norm for the natives, while tourists relied on enterprising individuals who would tie their smaller boats to the trajineras to hock their wares.
Most tourists left Xochimilco before nightfall, but some stuck around to party. Luckily, the atmosphere was fairly calm tonight. They approached one of the boat owners, whose dark eyes sparkled when Tim spoke the native tongue. Tim offered the man a much higher price than the norm. He wanted the boat for him and Ben alone. The driver accepted after haggling, Ben blissfully ignorant to the entire exchange.
“This is lovely,” Ben said, taking a seat at the long bench that filled the deck.
A couple of sputtering gas lamps provided atmosphere as the boat coasted into the canal, the world around them dark. Only lights from the neighborhood could be seen in the night. As they drifted down the waterway, leaving the homes behind, the stars above were matched by lamps from other boats on the canal. Over the gentle sound of the punt pushing through water, they could hear voices laughing.
Tim didn’t pay much attention to the surroundings. His eyes kept returning to Ben, face lit by flame, the shadows just enough to create the illusion that no time had gone by. Ben caught him looking and smiled before he stood and walked to the boat’s bow.
Tim followed, coming up behind him and placing his hands on Ben’s ribs. “Time for a Titanic moment? I’ll lift you up and you sing. Ready, Celine Dion?”
Ben laughed, reaching down for Tim’s hands and pulling his arms around him. “This was the right thing to do. This is what we needed.”
“Is it?” Tim said, feeling more puzzled than ever.
Ben sighed. “I’m sorry about earlier.” He turned around to face him, their hips close together, but Ben placed a hand on Tim’s chest until he took a step back. “And I’m sorry if I keep leading you on.”
“Please talk to me,” Tim said. “If this is punishment for all those times I kept you guessing…”
“I don’t play games,” Ben said, shaking his head. “At least I don’t mean to. Sometimes I feel like I can do this, that we can start over, but then I remember and—” Ben lowered his eyes. “I’ve been through a lot.”
Tim’s stomach sank. Of course. “Jace,” he said.
Ben nodded. “There’s so much you don’t know.”
“Then tell me!” Tim said in desperation. “Please!”
Ben took a deep breath and nodded. “I don’t know how much Allison told you, but Jace suffered from aneurysms. He had a close call once, and that was terrifying enough. When it happened a second time—” Ben’s lip trembled. “We were together. At home. Jace wanted me to hold him, which was weird because he was usually the one to hold me. He knew he wouldn’t make it, or he’d given up—I don’t know, but we were in bed and I did what he said, even though it hurt like hell.” Ben wiped at his eyes. “That’s what he wanted, and I know it sounds stupid, but I thought if I held on to him tight enough, that it might make a difference—that I wouldn’t lose him. I was still holding Jace when he died.”
“That must have been hell for you,” Tim said, clenching his jaw. “And here I am, stupid enough to think that I could just saunter back into your life and make everything perfect again. I’m sorry. Of course you can’t love anyone else.”
“No!” Ben took a step forward, shaking his head. “You don’t understand! I do love you! I love you so much that I can barely keep it in! All I want to do is touch you, kiss you—anything to bring us as close together as humanly possible. But then I remember how painful it was to lose Jace.” Ben grabbed Tim’s hand, eyes wild. “I know you think I’m brave, but losing Jace almost broke me. I can’t go through that again. The thought of watching you die one day, the idea alone is enough to break my heart.”
Tim pulled Ben close, kissed his forehead before resting his cheek against his head. There was no solution to this problem, no way to guarantee Ben that he wouldn’t get hurt again. Tim knew the pain that love brought. The two were inseparable, but both love and pain had taught him one thing. He kissed Ben’s hair, let go of him, and took a step back.
“Jace was worth it.”
Ben looked surprised. “What?”
“I’m not even going to ask because there’s no question. Jace was worth going through all that pain, and you were worth the hell we went through as teenagers.” Tim looked Ben straight in the eye. “I can’t honestly say that I’m worth it, but I’ll try my best, and I promise you that you won’t have to see me die. No matter what happens in the future, I won’t be the first one to go.”
Ben blinked, and when his smile came, it brought along a sigh. “Of all the lies you’ve told me over the years, that one is the most beautiful.”
Tim shook his head. “It’s not a lie. No matter how hard I have to cling to life, no matter how many life support units and doctors it takes, I won’t die first. My love for you is strong enough to keep me going. And when your time finally comes, I won’t survive the loss and will be right behind you.”
“You can’t promise that,” Ben said, but his eyes were shining.
“There’s only one way to prove me wrong,” Tim replied.
They passed a boat overloaded with drunk passengers, one of whom shouted “Whooooooooo!” before they heard a loud splash. Okay, so maybe he could understand why Nana got sick of the boats, but soon the party had gone its way, leaving them in the evening’s tranquility.
Tim put an arm around Ben’s shoulder as they faced the water together. “So you love me, huh?”
“Love doesn’t even begin to describe it.” Ben exhaled. “And you’re right. Jace was worth it. And so are you. Just keep that promise, okay?”
“You got it.”
In the far distance they could hear a mariachi band. They had their own boats too, roving musicians who would play for money, and while Tim normally found that music annoying, the way the songs floated ethereal through the evening air made them sound beautiful.
Tim pressed his nose against Ben’s neck, kissing him there. “Come back to the table. We have to eat some of this food or Nana will never forgive us.”
They picked at the leftovers, offering the rest to the boat owner to take home. Hopefully the guy had a huge family. Then they sipped beers, looking out across the water as the boat slowly brought them home again. They were dropped off at Nana’s house directly, where they squeezed through a gap in the old fence.
Tim held up two bottles he’d grabbed on the way off the boat. “Want another beer before we go in?”
Ben didn’t answer, looking at him with an expression that probably matched Tim’s own. He saw lust there, but it was more than that. Interest. Longing. Love. Tim set down the beers.
“We’re starting over,” he said. “This is the first day we met.”
“Strange place to meet,” Ben replied.
“Not right here,” Tim said “I met you earlier in the day. You were wandering the streets and looking sad.”
“Why was I sad?”
“That’s the first thing I asked you.”
“In Spanish?” There was a glimmer in Ben’s eye.
Tim grinned in response. “You like that, don’t you?”
“Well,” Ben said coyly, “I figure I’m a lost tourist. You’re the helpful native.”
“Okay. I came up to you and said, ‘¿Por qué estás tan triste, mi hermoso muchacho? Déjame que ahuyente esas nubes que ensombrecen tu rostro.’”
Ben leaned against the wall of the house. “And I said, ‘Huh?’”
Tim laughed. “So I tried again in English. ‘Beautiful boy, why do you look so sad? Let me chase away those clouds from your face.’”
“How will you do that?” Ben asked.
“Con un beso.”
Before Ben could ask what this meant, Tim stepped forward to show him, placing one hand against the wall and gently pressing his lips against Ben’s. Then he pulled back, basking in the resulting smile. “See?” he said. “There it is. The sunshine, even in the middle of the night.”
Ben took a deep breath. “I was sad because I was lost. That’s what I would tell you. But now that you’ve found me, maybe you can take me home with you.”
“And that’s how we ended up here.” Tim gave a nervous chuckle. “Apparently we took a boat home. Let’s go inside.”
Ben nodded.
The house was silent, with only a single light on in the living room. Tim glanced at the note Nana had left. They were to sleep in the sewing room. Taking Ben’s hand, he led them through the house and up the stairs, relieved when they arrived in the room without waking Nana. Holding his breath, he shut the door as quietly as possible and turned to Ben. Then they both smiled. Sneaking upstairs to a bedroom sure brought back memories.
The small bed in the corner was freshly made. Ben sat on the edge and took off his shoes. Tim kicked off his own impatiently, desperate to be near Ben, but he also knew what this moment meant. The last time Ben had shared a bed with someone had been his final moments with Jace.
Tim turned off the light and opened the window, letting in the sounds of the night—traffic, insects, voices, and the lapping of water on the shore—all reminders of the different world they were in. Hopefully this would keep painful memories away. Then he moved to the bed where Ben still sat.
Tim ran his fingers through Ben’s hair and bent down for a kiss. Ben took hold of him, leaning back and pulling him in. They shifted and scooted, lips never parting as they maneuvered the rest of the way into bed. Tim stripped off Ben’s shirt, then his own, as Ben worked at their pants. Before he could get too far, Tim wrapped his arms around Ben and rolled over, kissing him deeply, wanting nothing ever again but this.
If Ben wanted to stop there, if he only wanted Tim to sleep next to him the rest of the night, he could have been satisfied with that. But even at the worst of times, they had always shared the same appetite. Ben moved his hands back down to their belts, and this time Tim let him do what he wanted, putting his hands behind his head as Ben finished undressing him and then stood to take off his own clothes. Tim glanced over, Ben standing at the side of the bed as he kicked off his jeans. In the dim light of the room, he was a dark silhouette, the edge of his body illuminated with light from the window, neck shiny with saliva where Tim had kissed him last.
“Come be with me,” Tim said, reaching out a hand. He meant more than just this moment, this simple act. Ben responded, crawling into bed, and for a while all they did was hold each other. He waited for Ben to cry, feeling relieved when he didn’t, but still he took it slow. Rolling over on his side, he let his fingers trace up and down Ben’s skin, delighting in each shiver he caused. Then Ben began to reciprocate, rubbing his hands over Tim’s body just like he used to, exploring him.
“Any new scars?” Ben asked.
“None you can see,” Tim said, but his breath caught in his throat when Ben kissed his chest, his stomach, and then traced a path south with his tongue.
“Hold on!” Tim said, grabbing Ben’s shoulder. “That’s exactly what I want to do to you.”
Ben resisted, wearing a mischievous grin. “We’re starting over, and if you’ll recall, you were first.”
“That was then,” Tim said, but an idea occurred to him. “Sesenta y nueve.”
Ben paused as he tried to recall his high school Spanish. Then he snorted. “It sounds so much more romantic in your language.”
“It’s not romance I’m going for,” Tim replied.
Ben’s gaze could have made a volcano sweat. Crawling down to the end of the bed, he swung his legs over each side of Tim’s head. Tim was tempted to make a joke about the Sword of Damocles, but instead he moaned in pleasure—Ben having claimed his prize at the other end. The sensations made Tim writhe before he regained control. He put a hand on Ben’s butt to bring his hips lower so he could return the favor.
They risked small moans and whimpers as their hips pumped, rolling to their sides, then over again with Tim on top. Though he felt he could ride these waves of ecstasy forever, he wanted to get back to those lips of Ben’s that drove him wild. Tim crawled in a quick circle, lifting one of Ben’s legs with his shoulder as he sought another kiss.
“Do you think we can—” Tim let the question hang.
“Have any lube?” Ben asked.
They glanced around the room in mad hope, finding only a sewing machine, doily-covered lampshades, and a statue of the Virgin Mary who appeared more smug than scandalized. Tim laughed. “Guess Nana is fresh out.”
Ben’s finger traced a path across Tim’s pecs, running circles around one of his nipples. “Remember when we used to kind of fake it? Before I got up the nerve the first time.”
Tim grinned at the memory, adjusting his hips. Both of Ben’s hands lowered to hold their cocks tightly together. Tim began pumping, eyes locked on Ben as they rediscovered this old game. Then the sensations made them somber, Tim leaning forward and kissing Ben as he thrust harder and faster. He moved his kisses to Ben’s chin, tracing the jaw line with his tongue before nibbling on his neck. Tim was leaking enough pre-come that Ben’s hands were slick. He wondered if it would be enough to do more without needing lube when the thought sent him over the edge.
Ben’s muscles tensed, his breath held, so Tim kept pumping until Ben bit his lower lip to keep from moaning. Then Ben’s breath came out as a sigh and he relaxed. Tim gently lowered on to him, holding himself up just enough to keep from crushing Ben with his weight. Their heaving breaths soon turned to hisses of quiet laughter.
“¿Ya no estás triste, mi mariposa hermosa?” he asked. “No longer sad, my beautiful butterfly?”
“No.” Ben shook his head with a dopey grin. “Not anymore.”
* * * * *
«I’ve been going to a new church,» Nana said. She stretched her legs out straight, pushing back into her favorite recliner and wiggling her toes before she put her legs back down.
«That’s nice,» Tim said, turning his attention back to the Spanish-English dictionary he was thumbing through. Being back in Mexico City always made him aware of the holes in his Spanish. The other day he was trying to ask a shopkeeper for aftershave and had to settle for saying “face water” instead.
«If you were staying longer, you could go to church with me,» Nana continued. «You would like it.»
He doubted that!
«Can’t you stay longer?» Nana pressed.
«No. The flights are booked, and even if we changed them, Ben has to go back to work. So do I.»
«You must like him a lot to bring him here. I always pictured you bringing a beautiful American girl to meet me one day, but I like Ben.»
Tim listened to make sure the shower upstairs was still running before he remembered they were speaking in Spanish. Ben wouldn’t know they were talking about him even if he was in the room. «I love him, Nana.»
«So will you build a home with him?»
Tim shook his head. «He already has a house, and so do I.»
«Those are places, not homes. A home is what you make together.» Nana picked some lint off the recliner’s arm. «Two houses! How will that be a home?»
«No idea,» Tim admitted. «I think he’s attached to his house, and I don’t want to leave mine.»
Nana nodded as if this made sense. «Did you know I never wanted to live in this city? I grew up in a small village, and that’s all I knew. That’s all I wanted to know. Your grandfather was from Guadalajara, and he didn’t want to leave there, either.»
«Then how did you meet?»
«He did business with my father, working for a bank that wanted to check on their investment. So when he came to see that everything in the company was going well, he would always be invited for dinner. That’s how we met and kept meeting. When he said he wanted to marry me, I was happy, until I learned he wanted us to live in Guadalajara.»
«So what did you do?»
«I told him that if I had to leave my home, he also had to leave his. I told him to find a new job somewhere else. Then I would marry him and move there.»
Tim laughed. «And that’s how you ended up here?»
«That’s right.»
«Crazy old woman.»
Nana smiled proudly. «You think about it. Sometimes you can only make a home in a new place. Move here to Mexico City. Be close to your grandma.»
Now he saw what she was trying to say. Tim agreed with Ben. Too much connected them both to Austin now. They couldn’t leave it behind. But there might be some wisdom in her words anyway. «We can’t move here, but I’ll try to visit more often. Okay?»
Nana nodded as if satisfied. «Next time you come with me to my new church. The priest, he’s younger than me, but he says that love isn’t a sin. You love a woman, you love a man, you love a tomato. God is happy, because he created love.»
Tim stared at her. «Do you agree?»
Nana shook her head. «No one should love a tomato. But the rest, yes.»
«Then maybe you can talk to Mom about that.»
Nana sat upright. «Is that why you don’t spend time together?»
Tim shrugged, turning his attention back to the dictionary. He didn’t want to send Nana after his parents like an attack dog, but hopefully she would broach the subject with them. Maybe it would help. And if not, Tim would no longer worry about the consequences. Nana was right. He needed to have his own home, his own family. The only question was how.
* * * * *
“Ready to fly home tomorrow?” Tim said, not hiding the concern in his voice.
Ben looked over at him. “Afraid I’ll come to my senses the second we land in Austin?” He winked. “Stop worrying. Against all logic and reason, I’ve been hopelessly in love with you since I was sixteen. If I haven’t snapped out of it by now, then there’s no hope for me.”
Tim grinned. “Glad to hear it.”
“Besides,” Ben said. “The past has to catch up with us eventually. When it does, we’ll face it together.”
The past was a funny thing. He and Ben stood on the apex of a pyramid, a green valley surrounding them—the Basin of Mexico. On the horizon, rolling hills and mountains turned blue as they faded into the distant sky. Here they were, on the Pyramid of the Sun, part of an ancient city built by a civilization that had risen and fallen centuries before even the Aztec Empire. The Teotihuacan people had never thought their time would come to an end, that centuries later, tourists would wander their city with cell phones and cameras extended to capture it all on video. Or that two gay guys would stand on the top of their tallest pyramid and contemplate their future together.
“I don’t want to forget what we’ve been through,” Ben said. “Not any of it. Even the painful memories belong to us.” He shrugged. “That’s who we are. Coming here was just to help us get on our feet.”
“Really? I thought we were running away together.” Tim meant it as a joke, but it didn’t sound that way.
“Nah. There’s nothing we need to run from. Not anymore, although the idea has a certain romantic appeal to it.” Ben nudged him. “Besides, what about Chinchilla?”
“She can come with us.”
“And Samson?
“Absolutely!”
“Allison too?”
“Sure, why not?” Tim grinned. “And her husband. Hell, we’ll bring all of Austin with us.”
Ben crinkled his nose. “That would sort of defeat the point.”
“Maybe. I’m just having a hard time picturing what life will be like when we go back to Austin. I’m tired of living alone.”
“Oh.” Ben eyed the valley in silence for a moment. “Yeah. That is kind of weird. Jace and I scrounged every penny we could to buy that house. So many things happened there. Good or bad, every memory is special to me.”
“I understand,” Tim said gently. “In a way, I feel the same about where I live. It’s never easy for me to talk about, but I was with Eric in his last moments.”
“You were?”
He nodded. “We were at home together, instead of some horrible hospital—” Tim shook his head. “People talk about a haunted house like it’s a bad thing, but it’s not always. Not when it’s someone you love.”
Ben looked relieved. “I know exactly what you mean.”
“I’m glad. So, the idea of me living with you seems somehow disrespectful to Jace’s memory, but I also can’t expect you to sell your house and move in with me.”
“No,” Ben sighed. “I don’t like either of those options.”
Tim swallowed. “If none of that were an issue, would you want to live with me?”
Ben pretended to mull it over. “Yeah, but not if I’m constantly serving you frozen pizzas and Cokes while you lounge around on the couch.”
“Hey, it worked in high school!”
“Maybe on special occasions, then.” Ben’s eyes searched his. “We could just stay where we are. You’ll come visit me sometimes, or I’ll go to your place. It’ll keep things fresh.”
“I don’t want fresh,” Tim said. “I want to get old and smelly with you. Eventually you’ll want me to keel over first, just because you’re so sick of being around me.”
Ben laughed. “Trust me, that will never happen.”
“How about somewhere new?” Tim said. “Still in Austin, but a place that belongs just to us. We can take it slow, put our houses on the market, and see what happens. If they sell, we’ll both be making a sacrifice, leaving something behind.”
Ben chewed his lip. “That house isn’t Jace. I can take the memories with me. Just like you can with Eric, right?”
“Right.” Tim scooted nearer, wrapping an arm around Ben. “So you’ll start a new life with me?”
Ben stole a kiss. “I already have.”