I run my thumb over the fabric of the seventh t-shirt I’ve picked up before putting it back down again, huffing. I hate shopping, which I think makes me a disgrace to women everywhere but it’s just really not my thing. And shopping for a boy? Forget it.
I’m like a fucking lost puppy in a zoo.
Sighing, I drag my fingers across the shelf, picking up little things that catch my eye here and there. Tanner’s mom came home literally two minutes after Tanner and I had retrieved our clothes from the back yard. She came bounding through the house more energized than anyone I’d ever seen and asked if I was ready to go shopping, only she asked it more like she was inviting me to Disney World or a bar with free wine. Since I’m pretty much helpless on my own, I’m glad she offered.
“What about this one?” Sharon asks, holding up a nice black button up that I have no doubt would look amazing on Tanner, but I shake my head.
“It’s nice, but I don’t know,” I just don’t think a t-shirt is what I want to give Tanner. Hell, to be honest, I don’t have a flying clue in the sky what to get him. I think of how he looked in the shower, the water glossing his abs and highlighting every defining ridge in the muscles in his arms. My body still feels like it’s floating from his touches, like I’ve been numbed but I’m still walking around, a soothing sensation flowing through me.
I shiver, trying to focus on the task at hand.
Sharon sighs and puts the shirt back on the rack, “I know, sweetie. I’m sorry he didn’t tell you, he’s been like that since I can remember. I love him, and I know he thinks birthdays aren’t a big deal, but it makes him awfully hard to shop for.” She taps her chin, thinking. “Oh! I know. Let’s bake a giant cookie cake for him! Those are his favorite, and you know the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Her eyes go wide. “Not that you would want to get to his heart or anything, but you know what I mean.”
I smile, “Don’t worry, I think we’re past pretending like we’re just friends, Mrs. West.”
“Ick, don’t call me that,” she says, scrunching up her nose. She smiles and leads us out of the store, “But I’m glad you’re done with the silly games. I could see how crazy he was for you the first time I saw you together.”
I tilt my head at her, my heart suddenly pounding harder in my chest. “Really?”
“Oh sweetie, yes,” she smiles, shaking her head. “He’s different around you, you know? Careful, respectful – and I can just tell that you mean something to him. I’ve never seen him be that way before.”
I try – I really, really try not to let my heart swell but the damn thing turns against me and does what it wants. A smile breaks on my face and I bite my lip to try to stifle it. I don’t want to get too excited. Everything with us is… fragile, complex. There’s Paisley, his weakness, and then there’s me and my knack for running from shit that scares me and for just being a selfish person in general.
I don’t want to assume anything right now, least of all that there’s something more than what just is between us.
We’re just about to exit the mall when I see a small shop in the corner with personalized photo frames and such lining the windows. I stop, surveying the items. “Can we stop in here real quick, Sharon?”
“Of course!”
She leads the way and goes straight to the back where a small jewelry case is, but I turn to the right and find the object that caught my eye. Nestled just beneath a row of personalized dog tags is one lone silver guitar pick.
“Looking for something in particular?”
I turn and find a small, older man with just a touch of gray in his hair and glasses larger than any I’ve ever seen. He’s dressed in a plaid button up shirt and a cowboy hat. He reminds me of Paw Paw, except not as tall or as warm. Paw Paw used to tower over Mee Ma, and I remember him letting me sit on his boot and wrap my arms around his leg so that when he walked he carried me with him. He passed just before my mom left. Maybe he was the last straw for her, the last anchor keeping her from drifting off into the water.
“Can you personalize this?” I ask, holding up the shiny pick between my fingers. The man takes it from me and ushers me over to a small desk with an engraving machine. He inspects the pick under a small magnifying glass before answering.
“It won’t fit much, but we can get a little something on there.”
“Perfect.”
I write down the message I want engraved on the pick on a sticky note and the man, who I find out is named Gary, gets to work. Sharon is still in the back looking at frames, so I take the spare moment to text Mee Ma.
- I think you were right. About Tanner, I mean. –
- I’m always right! Does this mean you’re having fun? –
- You could say that. ;) I’ll call you soon! –
- Don’t tease an old woman! –
I smile and tuck my phone back in my pocket. Admitting to Mee Ma that she might have been right about Tanner is terrifying. Last night was amazing, and today has been the same but I still feel the uneasy pull between us. Whether he talks about it or not, Paisley has a grip on him that I’m not sure he can break free from. And what’s worse is it’s not just him. The way he held me today after our shower, I could feel something deeper between us – something deeper than I’ve ever felt before. And it scares the shit out of me because my urge to flee came rushing at me full force.
I don’t know if I know how to not be my mom.
“Is this for your boyfriend?” Gary asks as he wraps the finished product in tissue paper and slides it into a small gift bag.
“Something like that,” I offer a small smile just as Sharon walks up beside us.
“Well, whoever he is to you, I think he’ll love this.”
I take the bag from his hand and nod, “I think so, too.”
“Um, okay. Well, it’s a food, and it’s really tasty,” Sharon says to David, staring at her card while Tanner stands over her shoulder, buzzer at the ready.
“Ice cream!”
“No,” she shakes her head and lets out a huff of air. “It’s uh, you might get it from – oh darn – can’t say that!”
“Better hurry Mom, time’s almost up,” Tanner teases.
“Oh hush!” Sharon says, smacking his arm. David laughs and Jack barks at all the noise, his tail wagging furiously as he stares up at Tanner.
I watch the small sand hourglass timer slowly trickle and bite my lip to keep from screaming out the answer. I haven’t played Taboo since I was ten I think, but I still have a hard time sitting still when it’s not my turn.
The basic premise of the game is that you have to get your teammate to guess the word on your card without saying any of the “buzzer” words. It seems pretty easy, but when you’re against a timer and get stuck with a tough word, it’s hard not to slip and say something you’re not allowed to. I’m the worst at keeping my mouth shut when the other team is playing. I always want to say, “Oh! I know what it is!” because I’m so sure I do. But then when I find out what it is at the end, I’m wrong almost seventy percent of the time.
“Oh! Okay, it’s one of Tanner’s favorites. He always used to ask for it when he was younger!”
“Meatloaf?”
She shakes her head.
“Grilled cheese?”
“No, think more Italian.”
“Lasagna?”
“What? Tanner hates lasagna!”
David shrugs and throws his hands up, “How am I supposed to keep track of all the foods the boy likes or doesn’t like? He’s like a garbage disposal!”
“Time!” I yell and we all laugh except for Sharon.
She shakes her head and tosses the card down. “It was pizza! I can’t believe you didn’t get that,” she has her hands outstretched toward David like that final clue should have sealed the deal.
David smiles and pulls her into his arms, planting a series of kisses on her forehead. She tries to cross her arms and be mad, but I see her resolve fading fast.
Damn those West men and their sorcery.
“I’m sorry, dear. You’re right, I should have known,” he says, kissing her again. She smiles and pushes him away, but then she grabs his hand and pulls it into her lap.
“You’re damn straight I’m right. Let’s see if Kellee can have any better luck with Tanner here.” She hands me the pile of cards and David stands over my shoulder with the buzzer.
“Come on, Frecks. We need to get four to win,” Tanner says, leaning forward on the edge of the couch and rubbing his hands together. Looks like the competitive nature runs in the entire family.
“Ready? Go!” Sharon flips the timer over and I pull the first card. The word is shade.
“Um, okay. You might want to find this when you’re warm.”
“Water?”
“No, it’s a natural thing. You might stand under a building to get it.”
“Shade?”
“Yes!” I yell and flip over the next card. The word is snore.
“Okay, my dad does this at night when he –“
BUZZ! I turn and look up at David. “Can’t say night!” he yells.
“Dang!” I flip the next card.
“No more rookie moves, Frecks, we need four again now!”
I go through the next five cards and we get four of them, but I have to pass on one. We still need one more to win because you lose a point for every card you get buzzed on or skip. I flip the next card.
The word is sweat.
Really? Of all words?
“Uh, okay. Well, we did this today,” I say, struggling not to say the buzz words.
Tanner lifts his brow at me and looks over at his parents, “Uh, Frecks?”
My eyes grow wide because I know exactly what he’s thinking. I try to keep my cool and not give away the fact that we totally boned in his parents’ house. “Outside, before your mom got home.”
Now they’re all looking at me with raised eyebrows.
Shit.
My face feels like it’s on fire and I’m pretty sure I’m the color of Sharon’s hot pink socks.
“Uh, um, you know, while we were playing basketball.” As soon as I say it I regret it, because before I have the chance to say something else, Tanner yells out what I should have seen coming.
“Strip?”
I slap my hands over my face just as Sharon yells, “Time!” She and David start laughing so hard I think they might have tears in their eyes and Tanner puts his arms around my shoulders, chuckling.
“It was sweat,” I groan, my face still buried in my hands.
“Close enough,” he laughs. “Looks like we lost.”
“Victorious!” David yells and he and Sharon high five. I lift my head and try to avoid their eyes, though they don’t seem fazed in the slightest. Sharon is already up grabbing another wine cooler and she winks at me as she passes. David is looking at Tanner like a proud dad at a baseball game when his little guy hits the ball and gets on base for the first time.
And I thought this would be awkward.
Tanner kisses me swiftly. “Sorry, it was the first thing that came to mind,” he whispers.
“I’m sure it was,” I glare at him, but a smile is trying to fight its way onto my face. I can’t be mad at this boy for long. Suddenly, my phone starts vibrating on the coffee table. I pick it up and see Mee Ma’s name on the screen.
Saved by the nosy relative.
“It’s Mee Ma. I’ll be right back,” I say, holding up the screen and excusing myself. I’m pretty sure my face is still on fire from embarrassment, so I head out on the back porch to get some air, Jack running under my feet and bounding into the yard, too.
“Hey Mee Ma. Remind me to thank you for your impeccable timing when it comes to phone calls,” I say, breathing in the cool air.
“Uh oh, did I interrupt something? Wait, did I interrupt something something?”
“Oh my God, Mee Ma.”
“What? I’m just being courteous.”
I laugh, “How was the rest of your Thanksgiving?”
“Oh you know how it is over here. We had a nice meal and then your father watched football and Seth and I put up the Christmas decorations. The better question is how was your Thanksgiving?”
I blush again, thankful for the crisp air to cool my cheeks. “It was… interesting.”
“Oh, do tell! Wait, let me grab a piece of pumpkin pie,” she says excitedly and I hear dishes clattering in the background. It’s almost like I can see her in our tiny kitchen, reaching up on her tip toes to grab a plate. I sigh, wishing I was there having a piece with her.
“Well I don’t have much time to talk, but I can tell you this… he sang for me.”
“He what?” she asks. “Wow, I may have underestimated this boy.”
I can’t help it – I lean my back against the house and allow myself to swoon, staring out at the water and remembering Tanner’s voice. “Oh Mee Ma, it was so sweet. And it wasn’t some cheesy song, and he actually sounded good – no, amazing. I’ve never heard a voice like that, Mee Ma.”
“I bet he can’t hold a candle to your voice, sweetie.”
“You might be surprised,” I laugh softly. Mee Ma goes to respond, but then covers the phone with her hand and I can hear her muffled voice along with a deeper one. I swallow hard, feeling the laughter fade.
“Is that Dad?” I ask, wanting to know and yet afraid of the answer.
“Uh,” I know she’s fumbling for words, trying to think of another excuse for him. My fists clench together. She shouldn’t have to do this for him, he should talk to me. I’m his daughter, for Christ’s sake.
“Put him on the phone, Mee Ma.”
She pauses and I almost check my phone to make sure the call didn’t drop when I finally hear her whispering softly, “It’s Kellee.”
Another pause.
And then the same five words I always hear.
“Tell her I’m not here.”
I bite my lip hard, trying to focus on the pain of my teeth sinking into my flesh instead of the stinging knot in my throat. Wetness threatens my eyes and I hold them open wide, refusing to blink and let one single tear fall.
Mee Ma speaks softly, “I’m sorry, sweetie. Maybe you can come home for Christmas and see him.”
“I have to go,” I whisper, afraid of my voice cracking. “I love you. Tell Seth, too.” I end the call and grip the phone between my hands, letting my head fall back against the wall. Damn him! How is it that he still can’t stand to talk to me? Do I really remind him of her so much? Will I ever have him in my life again?
I shake my head and shove my phone back in my pocket, running my fingers through my hair before walking back inside. David and Sharon are nowhere to be seen and Tanner is sitting by the fireplace, adjusting the logs with the fire poker. He looks up at me and his smile falls as he assesses my face. I try to smile, but fail miserably. Instead I offer a small shrug and tuck my hands in my front pockets.
Tanner stands and walks over, pulling me into him. He wraps his arms tightly around me and rests his chin on my head. I breathe in his scent slowly, focusing on keeping it together. I will not break, I don’t care, it doesn’t matter.
He pulls back a little, still holding me. “You know, I don’t want to brag or anything, but I make a mean cup of hot chocolate,” he flashes his sideways grin.
I laugh softly, “You always want to brag.”
Tanner kisses my forehead, grabbing my hand and leading me into the kitchen. I feel the weight of my dad crushing down on me, but somehow his hand in mine relieves the pressure, his arms around me hold me together. It’s like his skin touching mine grounds me, like it pulls in every floating piece of me and makes it all fit together.
And that is both an incredible and a petrifying thing.