The cool wind whips my face as soon as I push through the door of Sal’s, falling in line with the busy Saturday crowd on the sidewalk. I zip my jacket up higher and pull my hood up, shoving my hands in my pockets as I walk toward the subway.
Sal tried to get me to talk to him all day, but I just said I was fine and continued working. I’ve never had work shifts drag by as much as they have the past two days, probably because my body and heart are both so exhausted they’re begging me to just go lie in a ditch somewhere and let them rest. Trista has been in the library so much since everything happened that she hasn’t really noticed anything. She questioned me once yesterday when she came home for lunch. I told her I was fine, just tired, and either because she believed me or because she didn’t have time to ask for more details, she left it at that and hasn’t asked since.
Hell, maybe she doesn’t want to ask. Maybe she saw this coming and thinks I deserve it. I don’t know. All I do know is the longer I stare at my phone hoping Tanner’s name will fill the screen, the harder it is to not throw it into the river.
I know I was a little shit to him the other night, and the more removed I am from him the more I realize it. I still stand by the fact that he’s not ready to be with me, that he doesn’t know how to balance what he feels for me and what he still feels for Paisley, but asking him to leave and not giving him the chance to talk to me about it wasn’t my smoothest move. I didn’t even really tell him why I was upset, I just expected him to know.
And that is exactly something my mom would do.
She used to pull that shit with my dad all the time. She would sulk in a corner all pissed off at him and when he would ask her what was wrong to try to make it right, she would just look at him pointedly and say, “You should know.”
Once again, I wasn’t thinking of him. I was thinking of myself. I was hurt and I felt like I was second place. Shit, I still feel that way – but I didn’t give him the chance to tell me differently, and now he’s gone. He’s on a plane to Orlando and I’m stuck here wishing I would have just told him to take me with him, two concert tickets sitting on my kitchen counter and no one to use them with.
No one I want to, anyway.
I don’t know what else to do, so I pull out my phone and call Mee Ma like always. We were always close, even before Mom left, but after that it really felt to me like Mee Ma took on both roles – crazy, eccentric grandma and loving, caring mother. She’s been there for all my life celebrations, but unfortunately she’s also the one I turn to for all my life’s undoings, too. I wonder if she’s ever tired of being that person for me.
The line rings twice and then I stop in my tracks when a man’s voice answers.
“Hello?”
People continue to rush past me, but my feet are cemented to the spot where I stand. My mouth feels sticky as I try to speak. “Dad?”
There’s a pause at the other end and then he speaks again, “Yes, Kel, it’s me.”
My heart is beating in my throat. I think this is the first time my dad has talked to me on the phone since before I left for college. “Where’s Mee Ma?”
“She’s taking a nap,” he says, his voice booming like it has my whole life. “We were out on the farm early this morning and she wanted to rest.”
I nod, “Oh.”
Silence stretches on between us and I think about hanging up the phone and calling back later, but Dad speaks again. “Everything okay there?”
I falter, unsure if I should talk to him about this. “Not really.”
More silence.
“Well, you can talk to me about it, if you want.”
Okay, now I need to sit down. I look around for a bench and spot one a half a block up. I half walk, half sprint to it and sit down, my head spinning slightly. “No offense, Dad, but I don’t really feel like I can talk to you about what the weather is like, let alone what’s upsetting me.”
I don’t mean to say the words as accusatory as I do, but once they’re out I don’t regret them, either.
Dad sighs, “I don’t blame you.”
Silence.
This is seriously stupid. I waited so long to get my dad on the phone, to get him to talk to me at all, and this is what happens. It’s like we don’t know each other anymore.
I guess technically, we really don’t.
“Kellee, I’m sorry.”
Good thing I’m sitting down.
“For everything. Your Mee Ma kind of ripped into me after I didn’t get on the phone on Thanksgiving, and that woman has a way of making me see things straight. I haven’t been a good dad, I haven’t been much of a dad at all and I’m sorry for that. It’s just…” His voice trails off for a moment, and I can’t imagine how hard this is for him because my dad was never one for words even before he stopped talking to me. “Your mom leaving has never really left me, and when you said you wanted to leave, too, I felt like I was losing one of the last things on this earth holding me in place.”
“But you didn’t have to lose me, Dad.”
“I know,” he cuts me off. “I know that. I’ve been stupid and I should have been supporting my baby girl but I was too busy sulking in my own life issues to realize I should be celebrating your successes instead.”
Tears swim in my eyes and I’m so pissed about it I want to stomp my feet like a child. I don’t want to cry, but hearing the words come from him warms me. He’s my dad, after all.
“I know you can’t just forgive me for everything I’ve missed and my behavior,” he says, losing his ability to find words again. I can sense him pulling back into himself. “But I just wanted to tell you all that. And I love you. I haven’t said that in years but it’s still just as true as it was before you told me you were leaving.”
Ugh, stupid heart. Stop making me want to cry.
“I love you too, Daddy.”
It’s quiet again and then I hear some shuffling in the background. “Oh, looks like your Mee Ma is up. Still want to talk to her?”
I think about talking to Dad instead, asking him for his advice, but something about Mee Ma calms me and I know she’s the one I want to speak to. “Yeah, can you put her on?”
A few seconds later, Mee Ma’s tired voice reaches me. “Hi, sweetie. How are finals going?”
I don’t answer. Now that I have her on the phone, I’m not sure what to say. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know what advice I need.
“Oh Lord,” she says. “A pause like that can only mean that you’ve put your hair up into a tight bun again. What’s going on?”
A deep sigh leaves my lips before I lift myself from the bench and start walking toward the subway again, filling her in on everything as I walk. From the amazing moments in Georgia I wasn’t able to fill her in on before to the night Tanner left. I tell her everything I can because I want her to understand the whole story. By the time I finish talking I’ve already reached my apartment and I lean against the kitchen counter, staring at the tickets as Mee Ma thinks. She hasn’t said much as I spoke, and now I can feel her gears working as she tries to sort through everything.
“Well, I’m glad he finally realized what color your eyes were,” she says first, but quickly moves on. “Honey, you can’t give up on what you feel for this boy because of some friend of his in Florida.”
“She’s not just a friend though, Mee Ma.”
“Oh? Because from what you’ve told me, he’s not dating her and it sounds to me like she’s got her hands full with a man of her own.”
I sigh, “Yes, but you also know it’s not that black and white.”
“Oh bull,” she says. “Now I’m not saying you aren’t right in a way. You do need to know what this thing is between you two. You need to feel secure enough in your relationship that if this girl was to become single tomorrow, you wouldn’t have to worry about him running off with her.”
Shit, I hadn’t thought about that. Would he be with Paisley if that happened?
“But kicking him out of your apartment in the early hours of the morning because your emotions were so strung out you couldn’t think straight wasn’t the right thing to do and you know it.” She sighs, “Sometimes I think you act like your mom because you think you have an excuse to. Because everyone around you has said you’re so much like her for so long, you just make it so.”
I think back to the conversation Tanner and I had right before everything went to shit. “Tanner said that maybe what mom gave me was a good thing, the desire to want to be myself, or whatever.”
“And I would say the boy’s right,” Mee Ma says. “But you like to take it and twist it into a negative thing. You take the easy way sometimes, dear, and for the life of me I can’t figure out why.”
Her words sting a little, but I hold back from saying much because I know she’s right.
“The situation with this boy,” she starts again. “It’s not an easy one. It’s not going to get easy anytime soon and you’re probably going to have to work at communicating and he’s going to have to work through the feelings he has for this girl. But if everything you say about him is true, then what the hell are you so afraid of? Is he not worth fighting for?”
I know he is, but at the same time I don’t know if I would be fighting for something I could actually attain. If his heart still belongs to Paisley, it might be null and void all together.
“I don’t know, Mee Ma.”
“Well,” she says pointedly. “There’s your first task. Figure out if the boy is worth it.”
I nod, still staring at the tickets. “I love you, Mee Ma. Thank you for talking to Dad.”
“Oh sweetie, that grump needed an old fashioned talking to and that’s exactly what he got, whether he wanted it or not,” she laughs. “And I love you, too.”
“I gotta go, Tee just walked in,” I say, smiling at Trista as she drops her pile of books on the table and pouts at me. I end the call and fold my arms together, waiting for Trista to say something.
“Finals suck,” she finally says.
I point to the kit Mee Ma made me and say, “There’s a kit for that.”
Her eyes grow wide and she runs over, fishing through the box until she finds a bar of chocolate and then she rips into it greedily. I laugh a little as her eyes roll up and she pretends like she’s thanking Jesus.
“What are you still doing dressed like that?” she asks, surveying my appearance. “Isn’t the concert in a few hours?”
I groan, realizing I’ll have to tell Trista almost the entire story I just told Mee Ma. Her brows shoot up as she notices my expression, “Shit, should I sit down?”
Almost an hour passes as I fill Trista in, mostly because unlike Mee Ma, she has a lot of intermittent questions. When all is said and done, she’s eaten three more bars of chocolate and doesn’t even seem a little bit sorry about it. She props her feet up on our coffee table and leans back on the couch, “Well, I agree with Mee Ma, but I also don’t blame you for reacting the way you did. In fact, I’m kind of proud of you.”
“You’re proud of me for acting like a teenager?”
“Well yeah, if it meant sticking up for yourself,” she clarifies. “Think about it. Ever since you met this guy, you’ve had to deal with this Paisley situation. I know that you said she’s a nice girl and everything, but the fact of the matter is that if Tanner is going to pull some adorable ass shit in Georgia and make you fall in love with him, he needs to be prepared to put you first.”
“I’m not in love with him, Tee,” I say, but I’m not sure I believe myself.
She rolls her eyes and dismisses my comment, “Anyway, here’s what I think you should do. Get dolled up in that kick ass outfit you picked out for this concert last week, take me with you, have a good time, maybe rage in the pit to get out some frustration, and then when he comes back you can talk about it.”
I consider her advice, “I don’t know.”
“Well, I’m not taking no for an answer. I’m jumping in the shower now and I suggest you do the same,” she says, eying me. I laugh and she disappears into her room, but I don’t think I can go to that concert, not without Tanner.
My Mee Ma’s words won’t leave me alone as I shower. Figure out if the boy is worth it. They badger me the entire time I get ready and when I finally sit completely dressed, staring at the tickets and waiting for Trista to finish up, I can’t ignore them any longer. I scribble out a note to Trista and put it with the tickets.
I grab my jacket and after one last look at the tickets, I open the door and leave them behind.