My feet ache like hell and I think a blister is starting to form on the heel of my left foot, but I keep walking anyway. I walk everywhere and nowhere, staring straight ahead in a numbing daze. I left Kellee’s just after two and it’s almost six now, the sun threatening to break on the sky. I can’t wrap my head around what happened tonight, how in a matter of minutes everything in my life that was right, everything that made sense and centered me, completely shattered as I stood there watching helplessly.
I come out of my daze long enough to notice that I’m right by the High Line, so I veer left and head toward the fence. At this point, my feet just carry me – my body feels weak and heavy and completely useless. After trudging through the brush up to the old train tracks, I find the place where I stood with Kellee the night of our first date and finally stop walking, lifting my arms up to rest on the railing and staring out at the city.
A large breath pushes from my lungs and a little cloud forms when it mixes with the cold air. I still haven’t thrown my jacket on, even though I’m freezing. It almost feels like I should just let myself be numbed by it, anything to not feel the ache forming in my chest.
Kellee’s face is still vivid in my head, the way the tears rolled down her cheeks and how she flinched when I tried to touch her. It was like I disgusted her, like she hated me. Seeing her like that fucking gutted me.
And the worst part is, I’m not even sure what the hell I did wrong.
I fish my phone out of my back pocket and thumb to my music before hitting shuffle, letting the sound filter around me through my phone’s speaker. I need something to combat the thoughts raging in my head, something to drown out the feeling just a little.
The concert. I can’t fucking believe I forgot about the concert. It’s her favorite band and I know she’s been looking forward to it. Hell, I’ll never forget her face when I gave her the damn tickets. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone light up that way. But even still, something tells me this isn’t about missing the concert.
I sigh, because as much as I want to pretend like I don’t, I know it’s about Paisley.
Not about me being friends with her, not about me going to support her at the grand opening of her business – no, this is about what she is to me. It’s about what she has been in the past, what she is now, and what that all means for Kellee. I know it now and I knew it when I was standing in front of her, desperate to touch her yet not being able to find one fucking word to say why I deserved to.
I wanted to assure her, to say forget about Paisley I’ll call her and cancel. To just pull her into my arms and kiss the sadness from her face and prove to her that I don’t care about Paisley anymore.
But then why didn’t I?
There’s still a hold on me. I can feel it. I feel it pulling me one way and throwing me the next. I feel Paisley, the old Paisley and the old me, tugging at the back of my mind. My heart has been broken over her for so long I think it’s forgotten how to mend without her. Shit, how to function without her.
But I care about Kellee, and that’s an understatement. I know it’s more than that, I know that I want her in my life and that I don’t want to be with Paisley anymore. Kellee is who I think about every waking minute of every day. Kellee, not Paisley.
So what the fuck is going on?
The song playing catches my attention. You’re the Reason I Come Home by Ron Pope. I used to belt this song out and let Paisley fill my mind while I did. I envisioned her, felt her – she was the perfect girl to think of when I sang the lyrics. And now, hearing it, I still think of her.
But why?
Angry, I hit the next button and a new song comes on. Paisley. I hit next again. Paisley, she’s all I think of. Next. Over and over again I hit next and every time it’s Paisley. Finally, Heartbreak Warfare by John Mayer starts crooning through the speakers and I don’t think of her. Hell, it seems more appropriate for the situation with Kellee right now, so I let it play.
If you want more love, why don’t you say so?
The lyrics hit me hard. If it’s about choosing, if it’s about her wanting to know where she stands with me, why didn’t Kellee just say something? Why doesn’t she demand it, demand to be felt, demand to be loved?
I shake my head, wishing I could punch myself in the fucking jaw. Because she shouldn’t have to demand it – she deserves it. Simply by breathing and existing, she deserves to feel wanted. She deserves to know that she doesn’t have competition.
Another song flows from the speaker, another song that reminds me of Paisley.
Kellee deserves everything she wants and more.
She deserves to be the only one in someone’s heart.
And even though I want it more than anything, I don’t know if that someone can be me.
I throw another shirt in my bag without looking at it, not really caring what clothing options I have. I checked the weather and of course it’s fucking hot in Florida, even though it’s less than two weeks until Christmas. I haven’t slept since I left Kellee’s. In fact, I haven’t even crawled in my bed to try. I’m exhausted, but sleep evades me like a black fly in the night. My mind races and I don’t even try to fight it anymore. I just let it run wild, let it drown me in questions that will never be answered and possibilities too far out of reach.
My phone buzzes with a text from Paisley. I slide my finger to unlock the screen and a photo of her fills the screen. She’s holding the phone herself to take the picture, her arms outstretched and her smile huge in front of her bakery sign.
Hoot’s Bakery.
The two “o’s” in Hoot’s look like owl eyes and the sign itself is an aqua blue with the white logo and various colored baked goods splashed across it. Paisley has had a thing for owls for pretty much her whole life, but I know this name means something more. Corbin had given her an owl necklace when they went on a trip to Key West, and I know it holds something more for them than just her love for the bird itself. He’s a part of her life – hell, maybe he is her life now.
I feel kind of sick, but I text back a line of exclamation points and a smiley face and let her know my plane leaves in five hours. I’m kind of glad she decided to do an evening opening with a reception and everything instead of just opening at the ass crack of dawn like most bakeries. I glance at the clock. It’s just past eleven, which means Kellee gets off work in three hours. I wonder if she’s still going tonight. A tick of jealousy hits me when I think of her going with another guy, but something tells me she wouldn’t do that. In fact, she probably ripped up the tickets and hasn’t thought about me since the night she told me to leave.
Or maybe she’s hurting just as much as I am.
My phone vibrates in my hand but instead of a text from Paisley, Mom’s face illuminates the screen. I sigh, not really wanting to talk but knowing she probably wants details for the opening since she and Dad are on the road heading to Orlando to be there for it. Paisley and I have been close friends for so long that she’s practically family, and there was no way my parents weren’t going to be there today, too.
“Hey Mom, you get Dad lost yet?” I try to joke, but even I hear how strange the words sound when they leave my lips. My mom is like a fucking hound dog, she’s going to sense something’s wrong in two seconds flat.
She laughs, but just as I expected, it’s a wary laugh. She already detects something. “Your dad decided not to trust me with the map this time and made me buy one of those damn GPS things,” she says and I hear Dad laughing in the background. “He also made the woman who directs us have a British accent, which is driving me more insane with every mile.”
I smile, walking to grab my toothbrush, shampoo, and razor from the bathroom. “Hey, British accents are hot, Mom.”
I hear my dad say, “That’s my boy!” and Mom laughs. “What time do you get in, son?”
“My plane lands at six twenty, just enough time to catch a cab over to the bakery before the ribbon cutting.”
“Want us to swing by and pick you up?”
I shake my head, “No, I’m good.” I don’t want to see anyone before I have to.
“Okay, sweetie,” she says, but her voice kind of lingers on the last syllable. I know it’s coming, so I brace myself and hope I can get through talking about this shit without falling apart. “Honey, is everything okay?”
I sigh, flopping back onto my bed for the first time in two days. The comforter feels cool against my skin and I tuck one arm under my head, staring up at the ceiling fan. “I don’t know, Mom.”
“What’s going on?” She pauses for just a second and then says, “It’s Kellee, isn’t it?”
“What is it with you moms and your shit-is-fucked-up detectors?”
She laughs softly, “Oh sweetie, it’s something you won’t understand until you’re a parent yourself. And you’re lucky I’m not there to wash your mouth out with soap for all that foul language. I’m still your mom, you know.”
“Sorry,” I sigh again. “I just don’t know how else to phrase it. Shit is fucked up. I was supposed to take Kellee to a concert tonight and I totally forgot about it when Paisley reminded me this was the date for the bakery, so when I told Kellee about my trip the other night she flipped out. Well, not really flipped out, but she called me on forgetting about the concert and basically kicked me out of her place. She wouldn’t let me talk to her, wouldn’t let me touch her,” my breath gets heavier just thinking about it. “I just fucked up, I guess.”
Mom is quiet for a moment, probably exchanging knowing glances with Dad. I’m on speaker, no doubt. “Honey, do you really think this is about a concert?”
“I’m not that stupid, Mom.”
“So then you know this is about Paisley. Specifically, Paisley and you.”
I jump up from the bed and start pacing the room, unable to sit still. “I know, Mom. But what am I supposed to do? Paisley is my best friend. I don’t want to lose her, but I don’t want to lose Kellee, either.” The thought of either of those happening literally makes me want to vomit. “I know it sounds selfish, but why can’t I have both? Why can’t I have Kellee and still be friends with Paisley, too?”
“I thought you said you weren’t stupid,” I hear Dad’s voice bellow through the speaker. “But what you just said tells me otherwise.”
“What do you mean?”
“Son,” he starts, and it takes me back to when we used to have talks when I was younger. I can still remember the birds and the bees talk he had with me the summer before ninth grade. “Kellee doesn’t expect you to stop being friends with Paisley. That’s not what she’s asking of you. What she is asking is for you to put her first – and that’s not unreasonable. Was Paisley there first? Of course. You’ve known her longer and you’re probably closer with her, but it’s not always going to be that way – at least, not if you plan on being with Kellee in the long run. When you fall in love with someone, they become priority, and you wouldn’t want it any other way because they sneak their way into being first in your heart. You don’t have to lose friends, but you have to let her know where she stands.” He pauses, but I don’t have any words to say yet so he continues. “I mean, what do you think Paisley would do if she were in this situation with Corbin?”
I let that sink in, thinking about how much love Paisley has for Corbin. I saw it growing in her the first week they were together and then when he was deployed it bloomed into a full on forest. When she looks at him, when she talks about him, when she’s around him – he’s everything.
“I still think she would be there for me, if I was opening up my own practice or something.”
“Of course!” he says. “But Corbin would be with her, and he wouldn’t give two shits about you because he would know where he stood with her. Did you even try inviting Kellee to come with you?”
“Yes,” I say, but then I think about it. Really, all I had said was that I wish she could come. I said that because I knew she has finals this week and other than the concert and work she was planning on studying, but that doesn’t mean she couldn’t have changed plans and come with me. Shit. “Well, I guess not really.”
Mom sighs, “Sweetie, I think this is something you’re going to have to figure out for yourself. Your dad and I can’t tell you how to feel or what to do. But, I’ll tell you the same thing I told Kellee when we were shopping for your birthday. You’re different around her, you’re happy – and if I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that happiness doesn’t come easy and shouldn’t be loosely gripped. It should be fought for and cherished.”
I nod and tell her I know because I really do. We end the call a few minutes later after discussing hotel details and I sit in my room alone again, the silence deafening. My parents’ words swim in my head and I try to make sense of what I feel inside, but something stops me from figuring it out. It’s like every feeling I have is there in plain sight but I’m wearing glasses that blur my vision and make them impossible to decipher.
I’m worried I never will crack the code.