I pull my apron over my head and sling it over my arm, wiping the beads of sweat that have gathered on my forehead. “Alright, Sal. See you tonight,” I say, heading for the door. This is the third double I’ve worked this week, and I think it’s finally catching up to me. Finals start Monday and I’m trying to get in as many hours as I can before I’m locked in the library. Mee Ma sent a “Finals Suck Gobbler” care package with all kinds of snacks and supplies, including vitamin C drops that I’ve been popping like candy.
“Take the night off, Kellee,” Sal wipes down the counter as the late crew files in, including his older brother, Louie. “You look beat, kid.”
I sigh, “I’ll be fine, Sal. I need the money.”
He shakes his head, “I’ll give you an advance if you really need it, but I’m not going to let you run yourself into the ground. You need to have a little fun.”
Sal’s right, as much as I don’t want to admit it. I haven’t seen Tanner in over a week other than the two times he met me on campus for lunch between my shifts and his hospital hours. I really could use a night off, even though I know I shouldn’t take it.
“I see your wheels turning over there,” he adds, flinging the rag from his hand over his left shoulder. “Don’t try to fight me on this. If you come to The Box tonight, it better be to have fun. I’m not letting you behind that bar.”
I smile and run over to wrap Sal in a hug. He’s so much bigger than me that my arms can’t wrap around completely, but he hugs me back just the same. “Thanks, Sal.”
He pulls back and nods, “Anytime, kid. Now get out of here.”
“You got it, boss man.” I grab my phone as I push through the doors onto the wet sidewalk. Snow still glistens throughout Central Park, but the streets and sidewalks have been left with nothing but slush. Lights are strung everywhere and the city feels alive with the Christmas spirit. I pass a group of carolers and toss a ten in their tip jar just as I find Tanner’s name and hit the call button, his sideways grin from the picture I snapped on our ride back to the city filling the screen.
“Hey, beautiful,” he answers, his voice groggy from sleep. I forgot he worked all last night at the hospital.
Wait, did he just call me beautiful? As in, not Frecks?
I smile, “I like that nickname.”
“It does kind of suit you,” he says, yawning. “But, I’m still partial to Freckles.”
“Well, I’m partial to seeing my boyfriend, and that hasn’t happened much lately.” I still grin a little at the use of the word boyfriend.
He sighs, “I know. I miss you.”
“Well, I was thinking, how do you feel about Thursday night karaoke at The Box?”
“I was actually thinking I could visit you at work tonight, so that sounds good.”
“Except I’m not working anymore,” I say pointedly. “Which means you should take me to dinner before and consider this a date.”
“You got off work? Shit, let’s skip karaoke and you come over. I’ll get you to bring out your falsettos, no worries.”
I blush, shifting my eyes to the strangers walking past me as if they can hear what Tanner just said. “You’ve got a knack for making my cheeks turn red.”
“I’ve got a knack for a few things, Frecks,” he says and I blush even harder. “I’ll pick you up in an hour so we can grab food. But just so you know, my mattress girlfriend is jealous.”
A laugh escapes my lips, “Good. I never liked that bitch, anyway.”
We walk into The Box just after ten, Tanner’s hand wrapped around mine. My chest tightens a little when I realize this is the first time we’re going to be a couple in public. I mean Trista knows, and our families and Sal, but none of his friends have seen us together yet. When Tanner slides up to the bar and I pull up a stool beside him, a group of Tanner’s friends joins us. I recognize one of them as Benny, the guy Tanner is always here with. The others look familiar, but I can’t recall their names. I do note that one of the girls is giving me a very nasty look.
“Oh shit, T-Dubs coming out of the wood work!” Benny says, slapping him on the shoulder. Tanner laughs and lifts his fresh glass of Jack to meet Benny’s. The girl who was staring me down leans up on her toes to give Tanner a hug, pressing against him a little tighter than I prefer.
“Hey Charlie, how was your break?”
“Good,” she says, lowering back down and throwing me a sideways glance. “Would have been better if you would have stayed in the city with us.”
“I don’t blame him for going home to Georgia,” one of the other guys says. “Shit, I’d give anything for some southern cooking.”
Tanner smiles, “I wasn’t planning on going for the whole weekend, but I’ve worked so many hours at the hospital this semester that they kind of insisted. Not that I’m complaining.” He glances back at me and a grin curls on his lips. My insides flutter like I’m a sixteen-year-old virgin, but shit who could blame me? Tanner shed his coat at the door, leaving him in his gray jeans and plain black t-shirt. The sleeves of it hug the muscles of his arms, his fresh tattoo peeking out just a little.
“So, are you going to sing tonight?” I ask as his friends talk amongst themselves. Charlie is still eying me, but Tanner doesn’t seem to pay her any attention so I try not to, either.
“That depends.”
“On?”
“Whether you’re willing to make a wager.”
I lift my brow, cautious of the devilish grin spreading on his flawless face. “Why do I feel like a mouse walking into a cheese trap?”
His smile widens, “Does that mean you’re in?”
“You haven’t even told me what we’re betting on.”
Tanner takes a long pull of his whiskey, “A sing off. Me versus you. Winner gets to choose what the loser does as payment.”
I smile and bite my lip, thinking about the possibilities once I beat his ass. He has an amazing voice, but I still think I can take him. “You’re challenging me to a sing off? Oh, you are so on.” I stick my hand out and feign confidence. He shakes it once before kissing me swiftly.
“You’re going to regret that shake later, Frecks.”
“I guess we’ll see. So, what song are we doing?”
“Your choice.”
My brows shoot up again, “Oh yeah? You asked for it…” I make my way through the crowd to Joshua, the DJ, and write our names on the sign up list, scribbling out Summer Nights beside them.
Joshua laughs when he reads what I wrote, “Tanner? As in T-Dubs? Singing a song from Grease? Damn, this oughta be good.”
Three songs later, Tanner and I stand on the stage, mics in hand. I’m giving him a cocky ass grin and he returns it, but he seems a little more nervous than before. I remember Benny saying he hadn’t sang in over a year the first night I met him. Suddenly, I feel a little bad for him.
Wait a second.
Is this a ploy?
That ass. I am so not going easy on him.
The song starts and Tanner bursts out laughing, along with pretty much everyone else in the bar. He looks over at me and shakes his head, mouthing, “I’m going to kill you.” I shrug and smile, claiming innocence.
He sings the first line and everyone cheers and whistles, his friends yelling out things like “Uh oh, kill ‘em, T-Dubs!” and “Tanner Zucko!” Then, when I put the mic to my lips and join in with Sandy’s first line, everyone cheers again and starts snapping along. We battle back and forth, even doing the hand motions and skipping around like they did in the movie. It’s pretty much a toss-up, both of us drawing the same amount of cheers each time we sing, but then Tanner belts out Danny’s high note at the end and thrusts his finger into the air, mimicking John Travolta and the crowd goes absolutely nuts. He drops the mic and I bow out gracefully, the crowd laughing at our spectacle. Well, everyone except for Charlie, anyway.
“Looks like I won, Frecks,” Tanner says, still panting slightly from the last note.
I thread my fingers into his hair and pull his lips to mine, kissing him for a while before answering, “Maybe I let you win.”
“Uh huh, sure you did. Whatever you have to tell yourself.”
“So what’s my punishment for losing?” I ask, pulling back. I’m really hoping he doesn’t ask me to strip down and run around the bar or anything crazy like that.
A slow, shit-eating grin spreads on Tanner’s face. “That’s for me to know and you to find out later,” he winks.
My stomach falls to my feet and I swallow hard. I never thought I would be so excited to lose a bet.
“Oh my God, it’s so hot in here,” I say as we push through the door of my apartment. I strip out of my coat quickly and toss it on the dining table, “I swear Trista likes turning this place into a sauna.”
Tanner laughs and slides his arms around my waist as I adjust the thermostat. “Maybe it’s just because I’m in here, Frecks.”
I roll my eyes, “Well, seeing as how I was freezing in the cab, I don’t see a very strong case building in your favor.”
Tanner flips me around, feigning offense. “Are you saying I didn’t keep you warm in the car?” he asks, referring to our very steamy make-out session that caused the cab driver to veer a couple times.
I shrug, “Meh, I was warm, I guess. But,” I let a grin slide onto my face. “I didn’t realize that’s all you were aiming for. Warm.”
The corners of Tanner’s lips pull up into a sideways smirk, “Are you challenging me, Frecks?”
My eyes roll up a little and I shrug again. Then, before I have time to stop him, Tanner’s fingers find the ticklish spot in my ribs and he goes to town. I squeal and thrash to get away from him, laughing uncontrollably but he’s relentless. He throws me over his shoulder and carries me to my room, tossing me down on the bed and tickling me harder. Tears start streaming from my eyes and I’ve lost all ability to breathe I’m laughing so hard. Finally, he relents and I shove him hard against the chest as I stand and move to my closet. “Not fair! You’re not ticklish for me to get you back!”
A short laugh escapes his lips and he kicks back on the bed, “Aww, poor thing.” He pouts his bottom lip out mockingly and I shoot him a playful glare before fishing a pair of pajama shorts and tank top out of the middle drawer of my dresser. I bump it closed with my hip and move to my bathroom to change.
I feel instantly cooler once I’m in the shorts and tank and I lean over the sink to splash my face with water. As I blot it dry with my hand towel, I feel Tanner move up behind me, pressing his hips against me. I pull the towel from my face and I’m greeted with Tanner’s honey eyes, hooded and daring as they stare back at me in the mirror. He wraps his hands around my waist and thumbs the hem of my shorts before breathing against the skin of my neck, “I like these shorts.”
My cheeks flush and I wonder if I should even try not to blush around him anymore. He always seems to find a way to bring that shade of red right back up. I turn at the waist to face him, but he snaps his hands down onto the bathroom counter on either side of me, pinning me in place. My eyes meet his again.
“You know, I think it might be time for me to cash in on that bet,” he says, still searing my skin with his gaze as he nips at my neck. He bites a little harder and my eyes roll back.
“Look at me,” he demands, and I do. “Do you want me to fuck you bent over this counter while you watch?”
I shiver at his words, my senses jumping to life at the touch of his lips on my skin. Words and my breath stolen, I nod.
Tanner shakes his head, “I need to hear you say it, Frecks.” His voice is husky and seductive, sending another parade of chills down my arms.
“I want you to,” I say kind of softly, my confidence drained a little. Sure, I told him not to go slow the first time and got a little feisty in the shower when I asked him to take me from behind, but I’m still nowhere near as experienced as he is. He knows that, and I think that’s why he’s asking.
“What was that?” he asks, sliding one hand up under my tank top and pinching my nipple as his other travels south of my navel. I moan and let my head fall back when he presses two fingers between my lips, teasing.
“I want you to, please,” I breathe a little too desperately. “Fuck me against this counter.”
Tanner smiles devilishly as his hand runs slowly up and over my collarbone. He grasps my neck firmly, but not too hard, and holds my jaw with his finger and thumb, locking my head forward. “I want you to watch. Don’t close your eyes. Don’t look away. Watch what I do to you.” A jolt shoots straight from where his hand is touching me down between my legs and I feel myself grow wetter. “Nod so I know you understand,” he says and I nod, though my neck feels weak. Everything feels weak, like he’s oozing a sedative from those fingers pressed against me.
Slowly, Tanner pulls his hands to my stomach and lifts my tank top. I stretch my arms up toward the ceiling and he pulls it over my breasts, my head, my elbows before letting it drop weightlessly to the floor. I let my hands fall back and grab his hair as he kisses against my neck. His hands glide down again before hooking my shorts and tugging them to join my tank on the floor. I turn my head back to kiss him but his hand shoots up to grab my jaw again, adjusting me so that I’m facing the mirror. “Watch.”
Holy fuck, this is hot.
He takes his hands off me long enough to quickly undo his belt and drop his jeans, pulling his boxers with them. His body is partially hidden behind mine, but I can feel him pressed against me, growing harder as I pull my hands behind me and dig my nails into his hips.
Tanner hooks his hands around where my waist bends and pushes me forward, my face close to the mirror now as he stands dominant behind me. The veins in his arms are on full display, the muscles in his body tensing with every breath he takes. He reaches down to guide his length and slowly, so I can feel every inch of him pushing into me, he slides inside. My breath hitches and I moan, my eyes rolling back. He spanks me, not too hard and honestly I feel the exact opposite of pain when he does it, and my eyes snap open, focusing on his again.
“What did I say? Eyes open.” He grips my hips in his hands and works himself in and out. I feel him so much deeper in this position that it’s nearly impossible to keep my eyes open. I bite my lip and cry out his name, my breaths more moans than anything.
“Goddamnit, I love how vocal you are,” he says, thrusting into me a little harder. I yelp and a jolt of electricity shoots through me. Tanner runs his hands up my back and grabs my hair in both his fists, gently tugging back so that my chin lifts up and I stare directly into his eyes. He works harder, faster, pounding into me as my thighs bang against the edge of the counter.
Watching his face as he looks at me, seeing what I do to him makes me crazy. It feels almost too personal to keep my eyes open and watching, but I obey and the visuals heighten my sensitivity. Tanner slides one hand around my waist and plunges it between my legs, working my sweet spot in a circular motion. I rip his hand away and he eyes me, curious.
“I don’t need it. I want to come just from you inside me.”
Tanner curses under his breath and slams into me a little harder. Challenge accepted. Over and over he fills me and my breaths grow shorter, my muscles tighten. I hold my breath and Tanner whispers, “Come, baby.” And that’s all it takes. His words push me over the edge and I spiral out of control, my legs shaking violently and screams louder than I thought imaginable bursting through my lips. Waves and waves of pleasure roll over me, washing away every other feeling and drowning me in ecstasy.
“Oh, fuck,” Tanner moans and I feel the warmth of his release. His eyes stay locked on mine and I realize this is the first time I’ve ever watched him come apart for me.
And it’s so fucking hot.
Our bodies tremble as our breathing steadies, sweat beading on both of us and steam covering the mirror now. I lean up off the counter, my body already sore, and turn to kiss him. I pull him between my legs and kiss him playfully, “Remind me to let you win bets more often.”
He laughs a little against my lips and his hands squeeze my waist, “Remind me to keep it hot as fuck so you wear those shorts more often.”
We both change, me back into the discarded shorts and tank and Tanner into a pair of basketball shorts he left over and the same t-shirt he’s worn all night. It smells like his cologne and sex and I like the way the two scents play with each other as I rest my head on his chest. We’re cozied up under the sheets of my bed, still too hot to pull the comforter up.
“Frecks?”
“Hm?” I ask, still a little sedated from his touch.
“Why do you think you’re so much like your mom?”
His question catches me off guard and the finger I had lazily been drawing circles on his abs with stops abruptly. He leans up and I fall back against the mattress as he adjusts himself, propping up on one elbow.
“I don’t know,” I sigh. “I guess everyone has just compared me to her my whole life, so I started believing it, too. I haven’t ever been with a guy very long and I fled from the same town she did for pretty much the same reasons. I just have a selfish tendency that seems to override my other intentions.”
His face is contemplative. “Did you ever think that maybe people were saying you were like her in a good way?”
“What do you mean?” I ask, sitting up and crossing my legs to face him.
“Well, you haven’t told me much about your mom, but I’m sure she was a great woman or she wouldn’t have made so many people sad when she left. Maybe they see her good qualities in you.”
I chew my lip, considering his observation. I already know that I look a lot like my mom, but I always just assumed that when people said I was like her, they meant it in the selfish, it’s-all-about-me-and-I don’t-care-what-anyone-else-thinks way. “I don’t know. I guess maybe, but I think everyone just saw how much I desired the same things she did and repelled the life I was supposed to be living. I feel like I almost adopted that straight from her.”
Tanner shakes his head, “I don’t think so. Everyone has to figure out the path that works best for them. Just because you were born in a small town where your family owned a syrup farm doesn’t mean you’re supposed to want to stay there your whole life.” He sits up and faces me, propping his elbow on one knee. “Society puts so much emphasis on what we should and shouldn’t do, what we should and shouldn’t be. But maybe it’s not about what’s supposed to happen. Maybe it’s about following our gut and finding our own version of what should be.”
I smile, both at what he said and how he said it. “You’re getting kind of deep on me, Tanner West.”
He laughs, “I know, I’m sorry. I was just thinking about it and I hate that you think you’re like the evil spawn of a selfish woman. I know your mom hurt a lot of people when she left and maybe she didn’t do it the right way, but who’s to say her spirit didn’t just need to be free? Who’s to say she didn’t try to stay, to live the life she was supposed to, but then realized life is too short for that? If that’s the bad quality you think you got from her, I just think that maybe it’s not a bad quality, at all. Maybe it’s the best thing she gave you – a desire to be who you want to be.”
Damn. I’ve never thought about it that way. Hell, I haven’t really ever thought about it period other than when she first left and my thirteen-year-old self tried to make sense of why Mom was gone.
I tuck a strand of loose hair behind my ear and look back at Tanner, “I think you see a better person in me than really exists.”
He shakes his head and pulls me toward him, pressing his lips to my forehead. “I think I see the real you.” He lies back down and pulls me with him, my head resting on his chest again. I feel the heavy words, the heavy thoughts filling the space between us but I don’t call them out and thankfully, neither does Tanner. We both know they’re there, but I’m afraid of giving them attention. I don’t want to ruin what we have, whatever that is.
“I’ve missed you,” I say, nuzzling against him. “Our schedules suck.”
He groans, “Ugh, I know. I wish you could take off work and come with me this weekend.”
My face scrunches and I prop myself up to look at him, confused. “What are you talking about?” I laugh a little with the words, wondering if he’s toying with me.
“To Paisley’s bakery opening. It’s this Saturday.”
My heart stops dead in my chest but I still feel it pounding in my ears, “What?”
Now Tanner looks confused. “Yeah. I told you about it when we were driving back, remember?”
I recall him telling me he was going to her bakery opening, but when I asked him when it was he couldn’t remember. He said he had it written down somewhere. “Yeah, I do. But you didn’t tell me it was this Saturday.”
He leans up, sensing my reaction, “I’m sorry, babe. Paisley just reminded me of the date last week.”
My cheeks grow hot and this time not from blushing.
I am fucking pissed.
I jump up from the bed and start gathering Tanner’s things, shoving them into a duffle bag I got at a university event my freshman year. “You need to go.”
“What?” He jumps up too, trying to grab my hand but I yank it free. “Kellee, what’s wrong? I thought you were okay with me going?”
Are you shitting me? Is he really that clueless?
I wheel back around, the heat rushing to my face again. “The fucking Loner Boys concert is this Saturday, Tanner. You know, the one you bought us tickets to? My favorite band that you were going to take me to see for the first time? Or did this all just slip your mind the minute precious Paisley called?” I know I’m acting a little immature, but I can’t help it. I’m so mad I can’t see straight and I watch Tanner’s face as he connects the dots.
“Oh shit, Kellee. Fuck. I am so sorry.” He reaches out for my hand again but I step back away from him. His hand stays outstretched, but he doesn’t push. “I forgot, I totally did and I’m the biggest asshole ever. I’ll make it up to you.”
My eyes grow wide and my mouth falls open, “So you’re still going?” My voice is louder than I expected and I feel my body start to betray me. I shake slightly, suddenly freezing, and my face grows hotter and hotter.
He winces, stepping toward me again but each time he steps forward, I step back. “It’s her grand opening, Kellee. She’s been wanting this her entire life and I’m her best friend. I have to be there.”
My jaw clenches shut and my eyes harden. “You need to leave, Tanner.” I know he’s her best friend, I know they have a relationship that I don’t fully understand, but this isn’t about her or the bakery or the concert – it’s about Tanner. It’s about his heart and where I fit in it.
“Kellee, please,” he begs, his eyes softening. Pain is written all over his face but I can’t back down on this. He steps toward me and I don’t have any room to back up further without backing into my closet so I cross my arms and turn my face away from him.
“Don’t,” I say when he reaches out to touch me. He freezes, his hands dropping slowly. My breath is running rampant and I have to pull my lips between my teeth to keep from crying. I don’t want him to leave, I don’t – but I knew this would happen. I knew one day he would have to choose, and I knew it wouldn’t be me. He still loves her, and even if it means losing me, he’s going to her this weekend.
And that fact absolutely wrecks me.
“I don’t know what you want from me, Kellee,” Tanner says softly. From the corner of my eye I see the muscles in his arms flex and release, his body shaking like mine. “Please, tell me what you want and I’ll do it.”
I turn back to face him and wish I hadn’t. His eyes are hurt, and when he sees the tears in mine they fall even more. I can tell he’s fighting against his urge to pull me into his arms and as much as I want him to, I can’t let him.
This is it. This is our breaking point. We tried, we came back from our first punch but this is the knock out. He loves her, and something deep in my gut tells me he loves me, too – but I don’t know if he can do both. At least, not like this.
“I just want you to leave, Tanner.” I say the words, but I don’t mean them. My mind is screaming for him to stay, to choose me – to love me. I hold my stare and will the tears to stay hovering between my lids until he leaves. I don’t want to break.
Tanner looks helpless and more tortured than I’ve seen him, but he grabs the last of his things and throws them into the bag I started. He throws it over his shoulder and goes to leave, but crosses the room and stands in front of me again. Slowly, he leans in like he’s going to press his lips to my forehead but I flinch, closing my eyes and letting two tears slide in a race down my cheek. He stops, his body still so close to mine, but he doesn’t push.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, and I wish that was enough.
I keep my eyes shut until I hear the front door close and I know I’m alone.
And then, I completely lose it.