The entire room spun.

Dizzying.

Gutting.

Too much.

I dropped my head between my knees and attempted to find the breath the news had knocked from my lungs.

Mark. Mark. Mark. My brother’s face spun through my mind like a whirlwind while every silent promise I’d made him battled with the reality.

Confusing and disorienting.

Anthony stood over me. “Are you okay?”

Helplessly, I looked up at him, wishing I could go back and refuse the test the social worker had demanded two days ago when I’d told her the entire story. “I don’t think I am.”

Anthony knelt down in front of me. A friend. A father figure in this fucked-up situation when I couldn’t seek my own. I could never admit to my parents what I’d done or the consequences or repercussions of it.

“You’ve always been his father, Zee. Always. From day one. Nothing has changed except for the fact you really are.”

I swallowed around what felt like razors lining my throat. “Then why does it feel like I lost a piece of my brother?”

Anthony’s words tightened with emphasis. “Because that’s what you’ve done all these years, Zee. You’ve clung to the idea that there might be something left of Mark when you didn’t want to let him go. You accepted Veronica’s claim that he was Mark’s because that’s what you wanted him to be, thinking it would carry on your brother’s legacy. That a tangible piece of him would remain in this world.”

Grief thickened my words. “But I felt it…” I touched my chest. “Right here…when I held Liam. Every single time I’ve ever held him, I felt it right here.”

“What did you feel?”

I struggled for a definition of that undefinable feeling, blinking through the emotions as I allowed myself to experience them one more time. “Belonging. Peace. Like I was holding something sacred. A treasure that had been entrusted to me.”

Anthony set his hands on each of my shoulders. “That’s what being a father feels like, Zee. That’s love. Pure and unadulterated. Unconditional. What you feel for Liam doesn’t have anything to do with your brother. You feel that because he’s your son.”

I gasped around the reality.

Liam is my son.

Liam is my son.

“How’s it possible to feel so heartbroken, so utterly destroyed, and feel like I gained the world at the same time?” I choked over the question.

Anthony squeezed my shoulders tighter. “Because you’ve never truly mourned the loss of Mark, Zee. You’ve been frantically clinging to everything left of him, trying to keep it alive when it was already gone. You’ve been trying to fill his shoes when he never asked you to. All these years, you’ve been representing someone else, and never, in all that time, have you stood for yourself. You let yourself be used and manipulated by Veronica, accepting that abuse because you thought you were honoring your brother.”

“I didn’t know what else to do,” I said quietly.

He inhaled a deep breath as he rose. “But now you do, Zee. You mourn and you let yourself hurt, because you lost your brother. You grieve and you don’t feel guilty about it. You deserve to miss him, no matter the mistakes the two of you made. Because you can’t change the past or what either of you did. But what you can do is finally say goodbye. Then you get it together and decide what it is you stand for.”

With my palm, I swiped the evidence of the grief from my face, and I pushed to my feet. “I stand for Liam.”

* * *

I pulled up to the curb at Sebastian and Shea’s Los Angeles pad, an older, rambling, ranch-style house situated on an acre of land with a huge backyard.

They say you know who your true friends are by their actions during the hard times. The way they treat you when you’re at your lowest.

I’d spent years terrified of what the guys would think when they found out what I’d done. When they knew I’d betrayed my brother, and then turned around and kept a secret I had no right to keep, thinking it was the right way.

The only way.

I should have known better.

I should have known better all along. Because I knew it when I climbed out of my car and into the blazing afternoon sun and saw Sebastian anxiously awaiting my arrival.

My footsteps were slow and heavy as I walked toward him, not because I was worried about his judgment, but because I had no idea how I was gonna handle seeing Liam for the first time after finding out he was mine.

That he truly belonged to me.

Baz nervously tapped a fist into his opposite palm while he watched me approach. The second I got close enough, he hauled me up for a tight hug, his fists winding in my shirt at my back.

His words were gruff where he promised them at my ear, “I don’t even fucking know what to say, Zee. Sorry doesn’t seem right, but after everything that went down over the last couple of days, I am. I know you’ve got to be hurtin’. Just know, whatever you need, we’re here. Me. The guys. The girls. Our families are yours. Same way as they’ve always been.”

I clutched him. “Thank you, brother. You don’t know what that means to me.”

Twice, he clapped my back in encouragement. “Always.”

He stepped back, and I stood there, trying to gather myself before I forced myself to head for the front door.

Clicking the latch, I gave it a little nudge. The door swung open wide, my heart in my throat when I stepped inside. My eyes went directly to where he was on his belly on the living room floor, playing a game with Kallie and Brendon, his face upturned toward the ceiling.

And he was laughing.

Laughing this free laugh that pummeled me. Life and grief and gratefulness.

Fingertips brushed my arm, and I glanced to the side. Shea gave me a tender smile, pure understanding, lacking any doubt or blame.

And I couldn’t hesitate anymore. I was moving across the floor, sweeping Liam into my arms, and hugging him against my chest.

“Daddy!” he cried through a laugh, winding his thin arms around my neck. “You wanna play with us? We’re having so much fun.”

I buried my face in his shoulder, clinging to him—for dear life. And I wasn’t ever going to let him go.

* * *

I pulled the blanket up higher over his shoulders, my breaths shallow as I looked down at where Liam slept in my bed in my loft. I ran my fingers through the soft locks of his light brown hair, listening to the choppy rise and fall of his breaths as he succumbed to sleep.

My son.

Night poured in through the windows, the stars hidden and secluded.

Muted.

Like his grief.

Telling him about his mother was the single most difficult thing I’d ever had to do. He’d withdrawn inside himself, his sobs restrained and jerky, his face buried in my shirt as I rocked him for hours in the silence that had only been broken by my promises.

That I loved him.

That I would never leave him again.

That it was just him and me.

When he’d finally drifted off, I’d carried him upstairs, knowing I wanted to be right there for him in case he woke in the middle of the night.

I stared down at the innocence of his precious face and made a thousand new silent vows.

I will protect you. I will live for you. I will die for you.

The truth was, they’d always been there before. But I got them now.

I finally understood what sacrifice really meant.

* * *

Birds chirped where they rustled through the trees, the air calm and the sky blue.

Which seemed damned ridiculous considering the storm that billowed and blew within me. It was an ache that pounded through my body and stabbed at my spirit.

Standing on her porch, I struggled for a breath. For resolve. To remember why I was doing what I was doing.

I’d always known giving into the need I had for this girl was going to destroy me.

That it was reckless.

Just asking for trouble.

I guess I’d expected repercussions.

A fallout.

I’d just never truly bargained on everything crumbling. For Liam’s world to shatter.

It was time I built him a new foundation.

Pulling in a steadying breath, I knocked softly at her door, my hands twisting into apprehensive fists when I heard the movement on the other side. I could almost picture her inside, moving barefoot across the floor, hoisting up on her toes to look through the peephole.

I didn’t want to imagine the things she might be thinking when she discovered it was me.

Metal ground against metal as the lock was twisted, and the door creaked open a fraction.

I’d thought I was prepared. That I’d told myself enough lies that I could handle seeing Alexis standing in her doorway, wearing that same pink outfit she’d been wearing the first time I’d come over, white hair piled in a wild twist high on the top of her head.

But it was her eyes that nearly knocked me to my knees. A collision of sea and sky. A squall of torment and relief.

“Zee,” she whispered desperately.

She’d tried to call me several times over the last couple of days, and I’d been nothing but a coward, texting her back lame excuse after lame excuse that I was taking care of some things that needed to be handled, and I would get in touch with her soon.

Two days had passed since I’d told Liam the news. I’d spent every second with him, trying to get him to open up, letting him know it was okay to cry and be mad and scared. That it was okay for him to ask questions.

This morning when he’d asked when he would get to go play with Kallie and Brendon again, I’d called Shea and asked if it was okay if I dropped him off for an hour or two.

Because this…

This needed to be done.

“You should come inside,” she murmured as she stepped back so she could open the door wider.

My chin trembled. “Awful brave.”

Heartache shivered across her features as I took her back to that moment a month ago when I’d shown up. When I realized I couldn’t stay away. To the moment when it’d felt like we were embarking on something magical.

Because with Alexis?

That was what it was.

Magic.

But only fools believed in magic.

I could feel her nerves rippling through the room as I stepped inside her house. Energy flamed in the space between us. Coming alive the way it always did. Stretching out its fingers, begging me to erase the distance.

My spirit recognized her.

Recognized us.

I got the feeling that was a flame that would never die.

“Would you like some tea?” Her wary voice hit me.

Pulling in a breath, I slowly turned around to face her. “No, Alexis. I’m sorry, but I won’t be staying that long.”

Her eyes pinched closed. Like it might hide the brutal anguish that filled them. But I was pretty sure I saw this girl better than I’d ever seen anyone in my life.

Slowly, she blinked them open. “What are you saying?”

Regret ticked my jaw, and I forced out the words. “I’m saying what I’ve been saying all along. What I told you again and again. That in the end, I would fuck everything up. That since the moment I met you, I was doing things I couldn’t do. Disregarding the things I needed to protect most. Just like I told you I would.”

She held her arms protectively against her chest. “You blame me for what happened? For what happened to Liam’s mom?”

I couldn’t stop myself. I surged forward and gripped her unforgettable face in my hands. “No.” My tone was harsh, demanding that she understand. “Never. But it’s time I finally do what’s right.”

I released her like the contact burned and forced myself to put some distance between us, turning away so I didn’t have to look at her face when I made the admission. “Liam is mine.”

“He’s…your son?”

My head nodded as I struggled with a way to form an explanation. To catch her up in the same moment I was trying to break us apart. “Craig made a statement to the police. Veronica already knew she was pregnant when Mark died…knew it wasn’t his. Knew it was mine.”

Bitterness twisted my guts. “She knew the whole fucking time. The guy I told you about, Martin Jennings, who we found out had been responsible for Mark’s death?”

She nodded for me to continue.

“You were right in thinking they were looking for something bigger to pin on Craig. He was one of Martin Jennings’ parasites, running around doing his dirty work while that bastard Jennings pretended his hands were clean. Turns out Jennings had been using Craig to draw Mark deeper into the life. Trying to gauge just what Mark knew about the fucked-up attack on Shea and what he was planning on doing to her.”

I pressed a fist to my mouth, fighting the bitterness, the true reason for this entire mess.

Greed.

Martin’s greed.

Craig’s greed.

Veronica’s greed.

But lust for money was the world’s favorite sin.

“Zee.” Alexis’ voice wrapped around me.

Compassion and warmth.

A comfort I couldn’t accept.

I started pacing. “Once Mark was gone, that left Craig and Veronica to figure out how to hook me in and swindle the most money out of me once Mark was out of the picture. They viewed me as an opportunity that they took full advantage of.”

I swung around to fully look at her. “I was a fool, Alexis. Such a goddamned fool, and I wasted so much time, terrified of losing Liam. Terrified of losing what I thought was my last physical connection to my brother, so I continued to play Veronica’s twisted games. Instead, what I lost was six years of truly knowing my son. Tiptoeing around Veronica’s rules. Barely seeing him. Missing him night and day.”

And this girl…this girl looked at me with all that grace and belief.

She pressed her hands over her heart. The girl so goddamned sweet.

“You told me once if you could do anything for yourself, you’d set yourself free. Don’t you see it, Zee? Now you get to be. You don’t have to hide from me anymore. You don’t have to hide from living your life.”

She took a pleading step forward.

Filling my senses with her light.

I wanted to step away, but I could feel myself leaning her direction, needing to fill myself with her memory.

Her tone turned soft, so caring and sweet. “I know you have a past, Zee. I’ve known it all along, even though I didn’t know the details. And now that I do, I love you even more. I love you. God…I love you so much.”

I choked over the breath I sucked into my failing lungs.

Struck.

Gutted.

Everything was on fire, this blaze that singed me from the inside out. She’d never said it aloud before. But I’d known, hadn’t I?

There’d been no missing it swimming in the warmth of her gaze. No missing it in the bliss of her touch.

It took about all I had to edge back and say the words that were thick with regret. “I have a little boy who’s terrified right now, Alexis. A boy who just lost his mother. A boy who witnessed God knows what. He’s my responsibility. My heart. My life. And right now, I need to focus on him. I need to make sure he heals and knows he’s safe and that he’s always gonna have me right there to protect him.”

Hurt lashed across her face, and she pressed her palms right over her heart. “Why can’t you do that with me?”

I reached out, my hand trembling when I set it on one side of her face. My thumb brushed the single tear that slipped from her eye. “Because I don’t deserve him, Alexis, but I’m gonna do my best by giving him every part of me.”

Before I could get lost in the depths of those stormy eyes, I ripped myself away, forcing myself just to move. To get the hell out of there before my resistance failed the exact same way it seemed to do every time I was in her space.

I bolted out her door and down the two porch steps. I squinted against the glaring sunlight that blazed hot. Just as hot as my insides.

God. I felt like I was burning up.

I fisted my hand, the one with the star tattoo, that forever reminder of what I’d done. Swore I could feel another piece of myself disintegrating as I rushed down her walk and toward my car parked at the curb.

“Zee.” It was a frantic plea. A chill blasted across my skin when I felt her presence come closer. Grow denser.

Delicate arms wrapped around me. Refusing to let me go. “Please…don’t go. We can figure it out. I promise, I’ll be good to him. So good to him. I don’t care that he’s not mine. I’ll love him simply because he’s yours.”

Agony constricted my heart, mashing it in its fiery hold. I gasped around it, my hand on the two of hers locked around my waist. I unwound them and twisted around to look at her.

She stood there beneath the sun. All lit up. Hair on fire and face aglow.

An angel.

The brightest light in the midst of my darkness.

Starshine.

I gripped her by both sides of the neck, my thumbs running the curve of her jaw, my insides knotted. “If I could go back, Alexis, if I could go back and make everything right, it’d be you. It’d be you and Liam and me. But I’ve already fucked up too much, and I refuse to make that mistake with you, and I refuse to make another with him. I’ve got to figure out my life, and I’ve got to do it right, and I can’t keep dragging you into my mess when I don’t have a clue what the fuck I’m doing.”

I jerked back and inched away, another piece of me dying when I watched the pain I’d inflicted whip across her features. I finally turned and jogged around the front of my car, freezing for a moment as I opened the door when I heard the guttural sob that tore from her throat.

For a flash, I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing on a star, on a wish, for something better. For a way to make it right. For her. For Liam. For me.

As a kid, I had breathed a million of those wishes.

Countless.

Infinite.

But nothing had changed the silent curse that had been uttered the day I betrayed my brother. One that had left them permanently dimmed.

Where they forever burned and bled out.

Disintegrating into nothing.