Chapter 5

Stone

I sat in the back of a new white Ram truck. The fact that I was getting help seemed enticing enough, but it didn’t distract me from the need of a bump my body craved for. I sat thinking about how fucked up my life was without Maddie and the kids; how I fucked up on myself. If Maddie and the kids saw me now, they would never want me back. I was a mess.

“How do you feel back there?” Ruthy asked as she turned around staring at me.

“Fucking horrible,” I barked.

“It won’t be long now. You’re going to get better.” Ruthy turned around quickly. My response startled her. I clenched my fists together. I was so angry at myself I wanted to punch and shatter the window I was staring out of. I held it in. I closed my eyes and thought of Maddie.

It made my chest tight, and I had to draw in a deep breath to realize,

I’m nothing without her…

I never was.

“Don’t worry kid, you’ll be better in no time,” Darwin cackled.

“Really? Are you an expert in being a junkie?” I replied sarcastically.

“As a matter of fact, I am. I’ve been clean for fifteen years now. Your sarcasm and nastiness will subside my friend. I’m glad you did this now…before it’s too late.” He glanced at me in the rearview mirror. His eyes were pale blue, like Daniel’s. I looked away from his intense stare and clenched my fists again. For some reason, I just wanted to lose control. I wanted to punch him in the back of his head and smash Ruthy’s face through her window. I closed my eyes again, my chest heaving in and out.

“Pull over, Darwin…now,” Ruthy said. Darwin looked at her expectantly.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Just do it.” She demanded.

We pulled over on the side of the road.

“Get out!” she shouted. I awoke from my mental picture of fucking them both up when her voice rang in my ears.

“What?” I asked.

“Get out of the car and take a breather Stone. I don’t want anyone in this car getting hurt.” She got out of the passenger side and opened the back door. “Come on, let’s go.”

I got out of the car and leaned against the back of the car. Darwin got out of the driver’s seat and walked towards me. I could feel his presence.

“I’m sorry kid. I know this is hard.” He placed his hand on my shoulder and it ignited the beast in me.

“Don’t touch me…please,” I whispered.

“This isn’t you, you know. It’s the drugs,” he said.

“This is me. You don’t know anything about me.” I shook my head.

“Maybe it is. But the drugs are making it worse.”

“My father was a junkie. I promised myself I would never be like him. Look at me…look at me.” The pain in my chest tightened. The only person who could take the pain in my heart away was Maddie. I had made the conscious decision to leave her alone, to make sure she would start over and have some happiness in her life.

“Yes, it’s okay. We all fall apart in life. But, you can pick yourself up now. Don’t you understand?” He touched my shoulder again. The tears started to build up in my eyes, the pain in my chest escalating to new heights. I turned to him, looked into his pale blue eyes and saw my son, Daniel. I gasped for a moment as the tears fell from my eyes, letting out another sob. Darwin grabbed the back of my head tightly and placed my face against his shoulder. The sobs and yells I let out could be heard up in the heavens. I grabbed him by his shoulders and sunk my face deep into his shoulder. He held me tightly…as tight as another human being could hold a person. I cried and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore.

“I’m telling you…it’s gonna be okay kid. I got you. You’re going to be okay.” I held him tight and cried even harder. I wanted to get better. I needed to, for Maddie and the kids.

“We have to get back on the road,” Ruthy said as she forced back the tremble of her voice.

“Come on kid. Let’s do this.”  He let me go from his embrace. I could barely see him, the tears clouding my vision.

I didn’t say a word. I wiped my face with my shirt and opened the door to the back seat of the truck. Ruthy got in the passenger seat and Darwin got in the driver’s seat. He started up the car and got back on the road.

I closed my eyes and felt the warm liquid seeping from my nostrils.

Blood.

Blood.

This ends today.

 

 

We finally reached our destination, pulling into the parking lot of the facility. My head was pounding, the headache relentless. I could barely see with my eyes swollen from crying. Now having to deal with this damn unrelenting headache that practically made me nauseous was an added bonus. I placed my head between my hands before looking up at Darwin and Ruthy who were staring at me from the front seat.

“Ready kid?” Darwin asked.

“No…not really,” I whispered.

“It’s now or never. Let’s go.” Ruthy stepped out of the passenger side and opened the back door. I got out, staring at a building that seemed more like a hospital setting than anything else. It was already making me feel like this was the wrong decision. As we walked towards the facility, the automatic doors opened. Before I took a step inside, I stopped.

“What’s wrong?” Darwin asked.

“I don’t know,” I said softly.

“Look, let’s get this over with. It’s just the first step to a full recovery. You can do it, Stone. You can do it.” Darwin stood staring at me before I noticed a woman in a grey suit walking towards me.

“Joseph Shelton?” she asked smiling.

“Yes.”

“Come on in. We won’t bite you,” she said, extending her hand towards me.

I glanced behind my shoulder quickly, taking in a deep breath and feeling like the day I was arrested when I was fifteen years old, never to see the light of day again until six years later. I stepped into the building, my hesitation quickly turning into fear.

“My name is Joanna Russo. You did it,” She giggled. “I’ll be your counselor. You can call me anytime.” She smiled sincerely at me. She was an older woman, in her thirties. She was beautiful. She had long blonde hair that curled at the ends and reached her shoulder. Her sparkling hazel eyes glowed under the fluorescent lights of the lobby, greener than brown. They were captivating. “How do you feel?” she asked. “Joseph?” she asked again.

“Fine,” I said, snapping back into reality. “My name is Stone. Please don’t call me Joseph,” I said sternly.

“I’m sorry,” she said apologetically.

“He didn’t mean anything by that,” Ruthy intervened, “Did you Stone?”

“I’m sorry, Ms. Russo,” I whispered, my eyes meeting hers. The headache was pounding even harder now. I tried so hard to hide the pain in my face.

“I know exactly what you need. Two Tylenol and a cup of coffee to get rid of that pounding headache. Then you are off to see the program physician for a physical.” She grabbed my hand. “I’m very friendly you know. I don’t take no for an answer and most of all…I’m here for you twenty-four seven.” She led me to the cafeteria. The doors opened to a room filled with round tables and chairs surrounding them. There were lots of hanging indoor plants and flowers. The colors of the walls were bright and cheerful. The room looked like a restaurant instead of your typical hospital cafeteria.

“Sit here Stone, next to me,” she said. Ruthy and Darwin ran to get a cup of coffee and order food.

“Sure…” I responded.

“Here’s the Tylenol and here is your coffee,” Joanna said, handing me a Tylenol packet and a cup of coffee. “It’s hot.” She smiled.

“Black?” I said surprised.

“You can add whatever you’d like.” She smiled again; that infectious smile.

“Thanks.” I nodded.

“So…What’s your poison?” She asked.

“What?” I asked confused.

“Your poison? You know, heroin, crack, coke…what?” she asked as she stirred the cream into her coffee.

“Coke,” I whispered.

“I see.” She nodded.

“Why are you so happy?” I asked.

“Because life is beautiful, and you…chose life.” She smiled again. I could have sworn she was on coke.

“Yeah right…not my life.” I turned away from her.

“Whomever she is…she must be special.” I turned and looked at her heatedly.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about…Ms. ‘I’m always happy’.” I put up my index and middle finger up on both hands as if quoting her. “You don’t know shit about my fucked-up life.” I knocked the cup of coffee off of the table and it flew into the air. It went flying across the room. “You don’t know who she is or what she means to me.” Now, I was in close proximity to her face, but she didn’t move. “You don’t know what he did to her!” She stood up and took a step back. “You don’t know why I killed for her! You. Don’t. Know. A. Fucking. Thing!” I shouted.

Security ran in and subdued me before I could reach out to grab her by the shoulders and shake the shit out of her. Who the fuck did she think she was talking to? I went to jail for six years for killing someone who touched Maddie and I killed my miserable father for raping her. She didn’t know who I was and, at this point, I didn’t know who I was either.

“Get off me!” I shouted.

“Calm down, sir.” The security officers grabbed me by the arms.

“Let him go,” Joanna said.

“What?” They answered in sync.

“Let. Him. Go.” They let me go and I stood standing in front of her.

“Do you want to hurt me…Stone?” Joanna asked without blinking. My chest was heaving in and out.

“Well?” she questioned again.

“No.”

“Good, now let’s get this cleaned up and you can go for your physical.” I stood staring at her for a moment, then grabbed some napkins from the counter and cleaned up the coffee. She watched as I picked up the broken pieces of the coffee cup and threw it in the trash. Ruthy and Darwin stood staring at me silently, disappointment resonating over their face as they watched in embarrassment. “Ready?” she whispered.

“Yeah.”

“Good. Follow me,” she said smiling.

We walked towards the elevator and took it to the third floor. The elevator doors opened to nurses and doctors walking around, checking on patients, and talking to family members. The different colored walls were covered with quotes. As I passed a group of doctors talking to a family member, I read one on the blue wall, “Though no one can go back and make a brand-new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand-new ending.” – Carl Bard. As I continued to walk down the corridor following, I read another one on an orange colored wall, “If you can quit for a day, you can quit for a lifetime.” – Benjamin Alire Sáenz. I pursed my lips to the side, shook my head, and kept walking.

“Hey handsome,” Joanna said to one of the doctors.

“Hey. Who do you have for me today?” he asked, eyeing her up and down.

“This is Stone Shelton. Formerly known as Joseph Shelton.”

“Oh…Stone, Ruthy and Darwin’s friend. Great. Nice to meet you.” He extended his hand for a handshake. I kept my hands in my pockets leaning against the nurse’s station.

“He’s having a hard day.”  Joanna winked at him.

“I see. Well, Stone. My name is Dr. Kesslar, but you can call me Kevin.” He smiled, and I said nothing. I wanted to get the fuck out of there, get high, and jump off the tallest building I could find, so when I landed my body would break into a million tiny pieces.

“Kevin, I’m going to leave Stone with you so you two can get acquainted. I’ll expect a full report in the morning. He needs a checkup from head to toe.” Kevin smiled at her pleasing and seductive voice. She wasn’t fooling anyone. These two were a pair. “Please, when you’re done, ask Ruthy and Darwin to escort him to his room. It’s room 418 in the west wing.”

“Where are you going?” I asked hesitantly.

“I’m going home, Stone. I need to rest. This was too much excitement for one day. I’m on call. Feel free to call me anytime.” She stared at Kevin. “I’ll see you in the morning.” She pointed at him, then smiled, turned on her heel, and walked away from us. His eyes were glued to the swaying of her hips as she strolled down the corridor confidently.

“Damn…” he whispered to himself.

“She’s yours…isn’t she?” I said with a smirk.

“Not yet, but she will be someday soon…someday soon,” he said, nodding his head. “Step into my office Stone.” He motioned for me to go into his office.

I walked into the room and sat on the couch near the window. The color of his walls was neutral, and he had photos of all the places he had traveled. There was one photo on his desk of him and Joanna. She was sitting on his lap.

“So, where do we start?” He motioned for me to sit on the examining bed. He did the regular vital signs, then checked my chest and stomach and went for the balls. I was hesitant.

“I need to check everything Stone. You’re a man, not a kid.” His eyebrows furrowed. I finished the uncomfortable examination and sat on the couch again.

“I’d like to ask you some family history questions. Is that okay?”

“Yeah…sure.”

Kevin asked me a million and one questions. From the time that I was born to the present. His facial expression changed as the conversation went on. My answers to his questions were nothing but disappointment and heartache.

“Is there anything you haven’t been through? Damn…I’m sorry.” Kevin shook his head. “It’s just that you’ve been through so much.” He held his hands together as he sat behind his desk, leaning back in his black leather chair.

“I’m sure these weren’t routine questions,” I said as I chuckled.

“Believe it or not. They are. I Just haven’t had a story like this come through these doors in years.” He sat up in his chair. “Look, we’re here to help and Joanna is top notch. She’s caring, intelligent and she knows what she’s doing.” He vouched for her.

“I need help. I know that, but I need more help finding Maddie and my kids,” I said.

“Listen, after everything you’ve told me, this could be a dangerous situation for you.” He looked at me with panic in his eyes.

“I need someone to help me find Maddie. Don’t you understand? I don’t have the strength to recover without her. She’s what I need. She’s my drug,” I said as I leaned forward towards his desk.

“She’s…your sister,” he asked confused.

“I know. But, I have to know that they’re okay. I’ll leave her alone. But, I need to know.” I folded my hands on my lap, the tension building with each word I said.

“If you promise to fulfill your time here and get clean. I’ll start looking as soon as you sign these release forms. But, you can’t back out. Deal?” he asked convincingly.

“Deal.” I nodded.

I signed the release forms and completed my physical. Kevin actually kept his word and made a couple of phone calls while I went to the bathroom and peed in a cup.

“Mike, just call me back. Yes. Madison Stone Shelton. Yeah, I gave Rich the birthdate. Alright, thanks man,” I heard him say.

“I’m done.” I handed him the cup.

“Good. Let’s get you settled in. It’s dinnertime anyway. I’ll walk you to the cafeteria,” he said as he grabbed the urine and my chart and placed it on top of the cabinet.

We walked towards the elevator and he pressed the down button. While standing there waiting, I felt the warm liquid flow from my nostril down to my lip. Kevin gave me a napkin he had in his pocket.

“Here. Pinch it,” he said. I grabbed the napkin and pinched my nose.

“Thanks.” My voice sounding congested as I pinched my nose with my fingers.

The elevator doors opened, and we stepped in. Ruthy and Darwin were standing in the elevator.

“We were coming to get you.”

“Here I am,” I said, pinching my nose.

“We’re leaving, Stone. We hope you stay and get the help you need.”

“Thanks, I am.”

We reached the lobby and the elevator doors opened. Ruthy and Darwin smiled and waved. Darwin stopped abruptly and walked towards me.

“Remember what I said, kid. You chose to change your life. Go for it,” he said as he shook my hand.

“I will,” I responded.

Kevin waved at them, then patted me on the back.

“I’m glad they left. They both have such big hearts. They would have broken down if they would have escorted you to your room,” Kevin said shaking his head.

“Really? Why?” I asked.

“They had a son who overdosed on Ruthy’s heroin. He would’ve been your age.” He lowered his head.

“What?” I was shocked.

“Yeah…it was bad. Really bad. Ruthy tried to kill herself…five times,” he sighed.

“I didn’t know they were a couple.”

I tried to understand what he was saying, but his mouth was moving a mile a minute and I just couldn’t keep up.

“Been together forever…as junkies; had Stephan who was addicted to heroin. Then, when he was ten, she left her needle filled with heroin on the counter and then…well, you know the rest. After he died, they decided to get clean.” My whole body trembled. I thought of Bryan immediately. I knew what that felt like. I knew what losing someone you loved felt like. The worst feeling in the world.

“There you are. I was looking for you,” Joanna said, standing in front of us.

“Hey. I was just taking Stone to get some dinner. Want to join us?” Kevin asked.

“I thought you left,” I said.

“I did. But Ruthy and Darwin sent me a text and said they couldn’t stay. They said it hurt too much, So I came back.”

“Looks like they got a little attached, Stone,” Kevin said smiling.

“For all of the wrong reasons,” I whispered,

“Look, I…I’m sorry if I upset you earlier. I promise to be careful about the things we speak about. Anything that you are uncomfortable with…please let me know.” Joanna said.

“I’m sorry about what I did,” I shook my head.

“Well, since we’re all sorry. Can we eat now?” Kevin asked abruptly.

“Sure.” Joanna replied.

We walked to the cafeteria together.

“Stone, grab something to eat,” Kevin said as he stared at.

We grabbed our food and sat at the table, eating and talking. I listened to their voices but didn’t hear a damn word they were saying. My thoughts were with Maddie and the kids, especially Bryan. How could I let this happen? I was determined to do the right thing. I needed to get clean. I stared at the soup in my bowl, then I looked up suddenly and stared at Kevin as he lifted his ringing phone to his ear.

“Yeah, what’s up?” He glanced up at me, giving me direct eye contact. “What did Rich find out?” He looked away from me. “Where?” He glanced back at me again. “I see. And the kids?” he shook his head and would not make eye contact with me and this time I sat up straight in my chair. “Good. I’ll call you back. Thanks for the information.” He hung up and stared at for a moment. I swallowed hard.

“Well, I have to go. Stone, Dr. Kesslar will escort you to your room. I’ll see you in the morning. Okay?”

“Sure…and thanks.”

“Don’t thank me yet, I haven’t done much,” she said as she stood up and pushed her chair in and walked away.

“I’ll call you,” Kevin said.  Joanna turned around, smiled, then waved at him.

My hands were clammy and my heart was racing. The anticipation was too much. I couldn’t hold any longer.

“Was that phone call about Maddie?”

“Yes…”

“And?”

“My friend Rich found her.”

“Really?”

“Yes…She’s under another name though.  Madison Turner. Does that ring a bell?” My heart stopped. Turner? Turner? Andrew Turner. It can’t be. He’s in jail, right?

“What?” I said angrily.

“What is it Stone?” he asked concerned.

“Where is she?” I ran my fingers through my hair.

“She’s in Maryland,” he replied.

“No…it can’t be.” I placed my hands-on top of my head.

“Yes…she is,” he said worried.

“She married him?” I shook my head.

“I don’t understand…who?” he asked confused.

“Do you have time to talk?” I asked.

“Well, I have two more patients to see after I escort you to your room. Why?” he questioned.

“I need to tell you the whole story,” I said.

“I’ll come back tonight,” he said suspiciously. “You can’t tell anyone I’m doing this for you.”

“I’m won’t.” I shook my head.

“Let’s go. The sooner I escort you. The sooner we can talk.” He stood up, and I followed.

My room was on the fourth floor. The walls and the floor were covered in positive quotes as well. But the walls were all one color…blue. Maybe it meant something. Maybe it didn’t. Kevin approached the door to my room and as he slipped the card into the electronic slot, the light turned green near the handle and the door opened.

The room was huge. A queen size bed stood in the middle of the room, with end tables on either side. One held a small lamp, the other a computer desk with a laptop. The walls were also blue with some quotes written on each wall, of course. It was not at all what I expected. It looked more like a hotel room than anything. It felt warm and cozy in a weird kind of way. As comfortable as it might have felt, I reminded myself that I didn’t have a home unless it was with Maddie and the kids…no matter where I lived.

    I glanced around the room and noticed there was a photo of Ruthy and Darwin hung up over the computer. I walked over and looked at it before feeling completely and utterly weird about having a photo of complete strangers hanging on my wall. I stepped in close to read what was written across the picture. It read, “The only thing more tragic than choosing to let go of life is to have had your life taken away from you. Good Luck, Stone. We’re praying for you.” I thought of Bryan immediately. I thought of the day I pushed the doctor up against the wall and told him to fix Bryan or he would pay for it. I lowered my head in shame.

“Hey, I have to go. We’ll talk tonight.” Kevin turned and started to walk away.

“Why are you helping me Dr. Kesslar?” I asked. He stopped at the door and turned around.

“Because you look like one of the good guys, who made a mistake, and you’re willing to admit it.” He smiled.

“What if I’m not?” I asked firmly.

“That’ll be totally up to you. See you later,” he said, closing the door behind him.

I sat on the edge of the bed and placed my head between my hands. “Madison Turner. No…No,” I whispered. “No Maddie. Why? Why did you betray me?” I asked the empty room. The blood trickled out of my nose down to my upper lip. I didn’t wipe it. Instead, I stood up and walked towards the mirror and stared into it.

“I’m coming for you Maddie,” I whispered. “I’m coming for you.”