My eyes flutter open, the lights from the Christmas tree and the flicker of the fire casting the room in a warm glow. Jason’s arm around my waist, hand splayed against my belly. His hand light against my much darker skin making a beautiful contrast.

Under his hand, the baby rolls and shimmies to his own little beat, or maybe to the cadence of my heart beat. Lord knows it’s strong enough laying here in the warmth and safety of Jason’s arms. Doing my best to hold back a sigh, I think of all the ways he made love to me last night. All the things we did together, the whispered words and promises. What did it all mean? What did I want it to mean? Did he mean it?

“Come to Chicago with me, Stella.”

He sounded sincere. I pretended to be asleep so that I didn’t have to answer. So he wouldn’t know just how much I wanted that. Jason stirs behind me.

“You awake, baby?” He presses a kiss into my hair.

“Yeah, the baby woke me.”

I feel him tense behind me. He lifts his head.

“Everything okay?” Moving his hand just the slightest bit I press his palm into my belly, right where the baby is pushing against me.

“You feel that?”

“Is that the baby?”

The excitement and wonder in his voice is palpable. It makes my heart soar. That he finds as much joy in this baby as I do is more than I could have ever hoped for.

“Yep. Dancing up a storm in there today.” I giggle softly.

“Wow. Does it hurt?” He asks, concerned.

“No. Well not always. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable but I don’t mind.”

And I don’t. It’s a reminder that there’s a life inside of me. That my body is housing a tiny little human, part me and part Jason. This baby may not have been created out of love, but he or she is already so loved beyond measure. Shifting so that he can feel the baby at a different angle, I groan.

“What’s the matter? You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just sore.”

“From the baby kicking?”

“No. From you, you sex fiend.”

He erupts in laughter. “Because I slipped the kitten past the mitten?” He teases.

“What does that even mean?”

“Or because I lit the lamp? A little slappy where mama keeps the peanut butter? Put the biscuit in the basket.”

I turn to glare at him, but I can’t his face is lit up like the damn Christmas tree he’s so pleased with himself.

“It’s like you’re speaking a different language.You know that, right?”

“That’s hockey lingo, Stella. That all means I scored big.” He chuckles. “You better learn all this because it’s a second language and the kid is gonna speak it.”

“What if we have a girl?”

“So. Girls play hockey.”

“They also play softball.”

“Only if they’re smokin’ hot.” He tweaks my nose before a somber look steals over his face. “I know you heard me last night, Stell.”

Shit. My eyes fall from his. I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to say no but I don’t know how to say yes either.

“Come to Chicago. You don’t even have to move in with me if you don’t want to. I can find you an apartment in my building or close by.” He implores.

“And what happens when the team finds out?”

“Stell. I was being stupid before. You’re right, you’re an adult. They’ll probably give me a fucking high five and ask me how I landed a twenty-year-old rocket.” Jason teases, trying to reassure me that my age isn’t an issue with him anymore.

“Jason, I can’t just up and leave everything I have here to follow you around like a lost puppy.” I huff, ducking out from under his arm and slipping his sweater over my head. It’s the first thing I find on the floor.

“What would you be leaving behind, Stell? You’re almost finished with school, you said yourself that your plan was to do your classes online next semester. You can do that from anywhere. Do it from Chicago.” He says earnestly.

I walk over to the tree to give myself a bit of space. “You won’t even be there, Jason.” I argue lamely. I just can’t give in on this. If I do, I become exactly what Johnanne accused me of being.

“I’ll be there enough. More than I’ll be here, that’s for fucking sure.” He stands. “I’m not asking you to marry me, I’m not forcing you to move in with me, I’m just asking for the chance to take care of you and my kid. I can’t stand the thought of you being here and me being there not knowing what’s going on with you. I can’t, Stell.”

“If it weren’t for the baby we wouldn’t even be standing here having this discussion right now, Jason.”

That truth hurts more than it should.

“Maybe, maybe not. But we’ll never know. I’m not sorry you’re pregnant. I’m just sorry I treated you the way I did when you came to tell me.” He says sincerely.

“Me too.” I say softly. “When do you have to leave?”

“Tonight.” Coming up behind me he wraps his arms around me, settling his big hands on my belly. “Come with me.”

My heart is at war with my head. I cannot be that girl. It would be so damn easy. “I can’t.”

“Can’t, or won’t?” He asks, dropping his arms from around me, bitterness lacing his voice.

“Both.” I admit shakily.

* * *

Two weeks. That’s how long Jason has been gone. Seems like an eternity. Funny how in such a short time I got used to having him around. We talk on the phone almost every day, exchange texts and emails. I sent him an ultrasound picture just this morning. I’ve even seen his ma and sister Joey a few times. They insist on checking on me constantly. I’m sure Jason put them up to it.

Pulling open the door of the student union, I head back to the financial aid office. It’s the last day for the loan deposits and mine still hasn’t gone into my account. I have until tonight to pay for my classes or they won’t save me a spot. Just as I’m walking in my counselor pops her head of her office.

“Hey girly! I was just about to email you, I have some great news for you. I’m about to go into a meeting, though. Can I call you later?”

“Sure. I have the night off, I’ll be around.”

She waves and disappears down the hall. Karin has been my counselor since my Freshman year here at FU and my biggest support. She’s been the one helping me with my resume and putting feelers out for a job after I graduate.

When I reach the financial aid office, I knock softly to get Harriet’s attention. She’s one of the three ladies I work with in the department and my favorite.

“Stella, come on in sweetie.”

“Hi Harriet. I was just looking at my account so that I can pay for my classes and noticed that the depot didn’t go in.”

“Well, let’s just take a look. I’ve been on vacation and I swear everything is falling apart.”

She clicks her tongue like a mother hen. “Clearly they need me to keep this place running smoothly.” Smiling at me over the rim of her glasses she goes back to her monitor. “Huh. Well that’s strange.”

“What? What’s strange.” I ask, panic rising. If I don’t get this loan money, I’ll have to dip into my saving for classes and books. I need the savings for the apartment though.

Harriet swings her monitor my way so that I can see what she’s looking at.

“Says here that your classes are paid for and your loans have all been paid off.”

She sounds as stunned as I am. I don’t have to ask who did this, I know who, I just wasn’t expecting it. With tears spilling down my cheeks I stand, mumbling about having to go and walk out of her office before I embarrass myself even more. Reaching for my phone I fumble with it, trying three times to call Jason. He picks up on the third ring.

“Your ears must’ve been ringing, I was just talking about you, Stella. How you feeling?”

“Did you pay off my student loans?” I manage to get out past the lump in my throat.

“Shit. Stell, don’t be mad. Please. If it makes you feel any better, I paid of Joey’s too.” He says, trying to keep me from getting mad at him.

Mad at him for lifting a burden from my shoulders that keeps me up nights more often than I like to admit.

“I-I’m not mad. Thank you. So much. I know that’s not enough but I don’t know what else to say.” My voice cracks as I start crying even harder.

“You don’t have to say anything, baby. Please don’t cry.” Jason pleads, his voice soothing even as far away as he is.

I don’t know how I allowed it, but I’ve gone ahead and fallen in love with Jason Dagger. Hell, who am I kidding, I didn’t allow anything, I never even stood a chance against this man and his big ass heart and capacity to care for those around him.

“Stella, you there?”

“Yes.” I sniffle.

“Good. Listen, practice is starting, I gotta get on the ice but I’ll call you later okay?”

“Okay.”

“Big game tomorrow, I’m playing your boys.” He reminds me.

“You’re my boy.” I tell him.

“Yeah I am. Bye, Stell.”

“Bye, Jase.”