Chapter 6
It is the night before the auction.
I tell myself it doesn’t matter whether I spend it with Zeyliv or tossing and turning sleeplessly in my bed. For some reason, I feel better after I tell Zeyliv what my decision is. He promises me that both women will have the joy of being free immediately, that they will get food and clothing, and that they will get a pleasant place to sleep. I know I am doing the right thing. The look on their faces when they both realized what was happening makes it all worth it.
I am jumpy. It feels like a thousand ants are running all over my freshly bathed and made-up body. I need to be strong, but don’t want to be. Tomorrow it will be up to me whether Khazaar and I will have a future together or not.
I did not wait for someone to deliver me to Zeyliv like a package again. I go into the garden, and the soft splashing tells me that he is taking a bath. Tonight, no stars are out to light the way. I feel my way through the darkness towards a torch that is throwing its flickering light on Zeyliv. His face is in the dark, and I can only guess at the contours of his body.
I stop at the edge of the pool and take my clothes off. The water is warm, but not as hot as Zeyliv’s body, which is almost glowing. I hesitate. Will I need to make sure he is ready for the act? Am I supposed to arouse him with my hand? A nervous giggle starts deep in my throat. I feel like a school girl before her first kiss – and reprimand myself. This man, whose eyes glow in the dark, who forced me to do unthinkable things today, is not worth that comparison. I am as rotten as he is if I am looking forward to his touch. I am doing this for Khazaar. For us. For our future.
And then suddenly, he is next to me and deftly pulls me onto his lap. I can feel the hardness between my legs, gliding back and forth between my pussy lips and massaging my clit. His cock is bulging and ready. Skillfully, he glides it in to me and lets me enjoy the hardness for a moment.
His penis is, even if I would have never thought it possible, a little longer than Khazaar’s, but not as fat. I can feel him bumping up against my limits, and this creates a sensation that swings back and forth between pain and lust. His hands close over my breasts, and he forces me to remain still on his lap. I recognize the barely noticeable sound of him bringing out his claws, and prepare myself for pain. Two claws caress the outside of my breasts, wander up to my nipples and pinch them lightly, so lightly that it is not more than a promise of more. His touch becomes more and more intense until I start to move my hips. Zeyliv growls lightly. Inside me, his penis seems to be pulsing in the rhythm of his heartbeat and is sending electric shocks of pure lust through my body. He sits up nimbly and pulls me to him, without us separating from each other.
He runs his claws down my back, over and over. Every time, he gets closer and closer to my behind. When I start to move on top of him, he stops his fondling. When my breath has slowed, and I have stopped sliding back and forth, he starts again. His arousing strokes get closer and closer to my ass, until his fingers slide into my bottom cleft. He grabs both cheeks and spreads them wide, and thrusts deep into me. The familiar warmth of an orgasm starts to spread, but before I can come, he pulls out of me.
He pushes me off his lap, stands up, lifts me up, high into his arms and steps out of the pool. All of this happens so quickly that I barely know what is happening. Then I am lying on the warm, soft grass, and he is between my legs, and finally, finally I am allowed to come in a climax that makes me scream out loud.
Afterwards we are lying in the grass. His regular breathing tells me that he has fallen asleep, but I am wide awake. Instead of feeling dirty and corrupted, I feel satisfied and somehow … free. Yes, that is the right word. I argue with myself for a good while, call myself every swear word I can think of, think about Khazaar and … see him in front in front of me.
We stare at each other. His gaze is impossible to read. For a few seconds, I am just happy that he is here. “How did you manage it a second time?” I ask in a whisper, and only then I notice that he sent his spirit on a trip. I wriggle from Zeyliv’s arms as carefully as I can. He is holding me tight in his sleep. My heart stops when he grunts softly, but he just turns on his side and keeps sleeping. I step out of my body, too, and guide Khazaar to the safety of a tree. Please, I beg inside, don’t let the Machairos come now.
We are in luck. Nobody is in sight, no lousy soul animal who can sense us. “You slept with him?” His question comes in a calm tone, but I feel his fury behind his cool façade.
“Yes, I did,” I respond, and stare at him, not quite as fearless as I would like to be. My heart is beating in my chest. “I don’t have much time for explanations, but believe me, I had to do it. I saved two people doing that. And I would do it again,” I explain in a rush of defiance. Khazaar nods. Maybe a little stiff, but with that he lets me know that he acknowledges my reasons. I exhale sharply. I hadn’t even realized that I was holding my breath. “Can you ... are you angry?” I know that this word is not very fitting for what I have done and I try to do better. “Can you forgive me?”
“We will figure that out later,” he says and pulls me to him. He kisses me possessively. I return the kiss with everything I have – love, desperation, shame and more love. For once, a kiss really does say more than a thousand words.
Arousal flares in my body, and my shame grows. I know that I want to sleep with him, here and now, and separated from Zeyliv only by a few leaves. Now it is Khazaar who hesitates and steers the conversation to something that is more important to him. He holds me close for a moment, and I feel what he cannot or doesn’t want to put into words: that sometimes we all do something with the best intentions – things that are in a moral gray zone. Black or white, right or wrong sometimes blur together. I press myself against him as hard as I can, and swallow back my tears.
As tenderly as never before, he brushes my cheek with his fingers. “Tomorrow around this time we will be on our way to freedom,” he whispers. “But we need your help. You need to try to influence Zeyliv.” The words hang in the air between us. Khazaar knows what he is asking of me.
“Why don’t you do it yourself?” I ask the obvious question.
He hesitates for a second. “First, you are better at it, as you have already proven with that Sethari,” he argues. “He didn’t even notice that you were telling him what to do. Neither Varsul nor I would be able to do that,” he admits. “Besides …” he whispers with a meaningful glance in Zeyliv’s direction, “you clearly have a better chance of doing so than we do.” He can’t prevent his suppressed anger from resonating in his voice as he alludes to my faux pas. Yet, I can tell that it is very convenient for him that I slept with Zeyliv. He is able to put his personal grudge aside and not lose sight of our goal. For that I love him more than ever. He is a wonderful man who has no problem with my conflicting feelings. AND he is confident enough to share me. That shows me how much he cares for me, and also the man I have always wished for. I don’t think that he will be willing to share me in the future – his generosity goes only so far – but he isn’t going to rage against things he can’t do anything about in hindsight.
“How am I supposed to influence him? What is he supposed to do?” I return to our topic of conversation. “If I am able to, I can’t just suggest that he let us go free.”
“We need to proceed very carefully,” Khazaar says, “otherwise he will be suspicious. The change in his head can’t stray too far from his normal thinking.” That I can understand, even if I regret it. “The auction is tomorrow. That means the Betania will be teeming with aliens and many space ships will land here. All you need to do is convince him to have the prisoners transported without shackles. Varsul and I will take care of everything else.”
“Have you two buried the hatchet?” I ask, because it seems strange. “You are allies with the man who wanted to kill you?”
In the darkness, he teeth flash for a second. “We Qua’Hathri have always been a practical people. I know Varsul and I know that he will keep trying it. But as long as we are both in the same boat, there is a kind of cease fire.” He leans down and kisses me very, very tenderly. “The most important thing is for us to get out of here. We can worry about everything else later. Trust me, Cassie,” he says, and takes my face in both hands. His thumbs lightly caress my cheekbones. “Can you get Zeyliv to let us go to the auction without shackles? Will you be able to do it?”
I nod. Do I have a choice? For a second, a nanosecond, I wonder what will happen if the plan goes wrong. And anyway, what are Khazaar and Varsul planning? They have no weapons, no allies at their side. When I tell him that, he smiles – a pretty cruel smile. It is probably supposed to put me at ease, but it misses the mark. Khazaar, my beloved, has disappeared. In his place, I see a man who will fight his way to freedom, at the cost of many dead and injured. Besides, I am absolutely sure that he will not forgive Zeyliv the humiliation of being imprisoned, and will take revenge on him in his own way.
“Promise me that you will not cause a blood bath,” I demand. The idea that women and children could die at his hands is not unreasonable. For me the thought is unbearable, even when I think of the treatment I received at the hand of Zeyliv’s people. There must be another way, instead of mowing each other down mercilessly!
“Tell me,” he interrupts my racing thoughts, “today, three prisoners disappeared. Did you have something to do with that?” I hear Zeyliv moan softly in his sleep and I know that our time is growing short. I summarize the day’s events as quickly as possible.
“He swore to me that you would go free if I help him. More specifically,” I explain, “that you will be one of the ones I can choose.”
Khazaar raises his eyebrows in irritation. “I don’t like it,” he says softly. He heard Zeyliv, too, and hurries on. “You can’t trust him, don’t forget that. He is up to something. Damn it, I hate having to wait!”
He looks quite amusing, his body-less form marching back and forth. Every time we meet like this, I forget that I don’t have a body, and am basically invisible. Small details like this remind me of it again.
Something rustles behind us. Khazaar startles and holds still, turning his head sideways. “I need to go,” he whispers and pulls me into his arms one more time. The emotion is so intense that I forget everything else around me for a moment. A branch snaps, and I know it is high time. Once again, so many things remain unsaid between us. I have no choice but to trust him and to hope that he takes my words to heart.
Then he is gone, and with reluctance, I slip back into my body. Everywhere Zeyliv touches me, I feel a pleasant warmth. I am tempted to just snuggle up to him and let things run their course. It would be nice if I could just let myself fall back. But no, things need to be taken care of. I am going to contribute my share to the escape by manipulating Zeyliv. I realize that I don’t even know who is coming with us – the Qua’Hathri warriors and the women from Earth? How will we set the people free who have already been sent to the mines and are working there? What about Shazuul? I feel a certain melancholy when I think of him, that obnoxious little guy with his mangled snout. I don’t want to think that he might starve to death because he can’t take in food anymore. He was a Sethari, I know, but he helped me, anyway. We might even – I saved his life, after all, but I don’t want to leave him behind. For a second I imagine that, in an unexpected moment of generosity, Zeyliv offers to let us all go. Khazaar is so touched by all of this, that he offers Zeyliv his assistance. They pursue the mean scientists, free the rest of Zeyliv’s people, and all live happily ever after.
As nice as the thought is, it is also completely unrealistic.
I had better get to work while Zeyliv is still asleep. I don’t even know if I can find my way in the brain of someone who is sleeping. Besides, I need to hurry, because his Machairos will sense me sooner rather than later. Who knows if the cats are sleeping right now, because their master is, too? My stomach churns. I am stepping into uncharted territory, and have no idea what to expect.
But whining won’t help. I take several deep breaths in and out, until I at least appear to be relaxed, and separate from my sleeping self. As I am floating above Zeyliv and me, I cannot help but noticing what a romantic picture we paint. If I didn’t know better, I would think that I am dreaming blissfully in the arms of my lover.
Valiantly and as stealthily as possible, I slip into Zeyliv head. The sleeping man is wide open for me, and I can’t help but snoop around in his memories for a minute. Before I know it, I am knee-deep in his escape from the clutches of the scientists. I see him fighting with the courage of the desperate, mercilessly killing anyone who stands in his way. I can’t stay objective as I watch, and share his feelings as if they were my own. With great effort, I am finally able to leave this area. It breaks my heart to know that part of him will always be fighting and killing, as if in a time loop. Just like looking at Zeyliv through Mangali’s eyes brought me closer to him, so it is with his own memories, as well. I understand him a little better now, and can at least understand his cruel games and his desire for power. I have seen his secret.
On the ship, he had to watch as the scientists used his wife and unborn child for experiments that were utterly inhumane. Nothing, not even scientific curiosity, nor unrestrained drive for research, can justify what Zeyliv experienced. I understand why he killed Hathura and why he is playing this cruel game with me. I share the moment with him when he opened his wife’s cage and was forced to acknowledge that it was too late for any help he had to offer. So he did the only thing left to him. He ended her life when she asked him to. At that moment, I am ready to give him a child, if only so a part of him can be whole and sound again.
As if in answer, he mumbles my name in his sleep. That is enough to bring me to my senses. Unfortunately, this is also the same time the Machairos choose to make themselves known with hissing. I curse my curiosity and hurry back into my body. And sure enough, the two of them are sitting next to us, looking at us with their watchful, yellow feline eyes.
Zeyliv wakes and sits up. I look at him and know that my guilt is written all over my face. I hug my knees to make up for the loss of heat when he stands up and looks at his Machairos. The communication between them is silent, but when he looks at me after an eternity, I cannot return his gaze.
“What did you do?” he whispers in a voice that I never want to hear again. Not a single spark of life remains in it.
“Nothing,” I whisper, too, even though we are alone in the garden and nobody can hear us. “I didn’t do anything.”
He falls on his knees and closes his hands around my neck. I am too tired to even be afraid for my life. If death means that I can slip into a peaceful nothing, then I welcome it.
His claws come out while he slowly squeezes. The pain is so relentless that I can’t keep from crying out. He loosens his grip. His chest is rising and falling rapidly and the heat that is rolling off of him is unbearable. His amber-colored eyes flash in the darkness and in his voice I can hear that the feline in him has taken over. “Why?”
“Why what? Why was I in your thoughts, why am I trying desperately to save my life and the lives of others? I would think that you would be the last one to ask me the latter question!” I fling back at him. We have both arrived at a place where we have nothing left to lose. I now know about the darkness that lives in him. And he knows that I went ahead even though he had forbidden it. Let him slit my throat open. I hear my hysterical laughing, as if from far, far away.
The sound throws him off course. Before he reluctantly pulls one finger at a time from my neck, he squeezes one last time. Stars dance in the darkness before my eyes, and I say good-bye to my pitiful, short life. The first breath hurts, and the second is even worse when I realize that, once again, I am not going to die at the hand of Zeyliv. Coughing, I gasp for breath.
As the stars start to fade, I see Zeyliv. He is staring at me, tears running down his face. “I was dreaming of my wife,” he says, and his voice is still dead. I know that he means his first wife, the very first one before Mangali. “But even in my dream, I knew that something wasn’t right. That you were busily working in my head and influencing my thoughts.”
“I am sorry that I awakened those memories,” I respond. “But I am not sorry that I tried it.”
He accepts my double-edged apology. “What were you trying to accomplish, anyway? You haven’t gained anything from the knowing that I killed my wife with my own hands.”
As usual, he has put his finger on the most important point. What should I do? Before I can stop myself, the truth come pouring out. I don’t want to maneuver anymore, and I don’t want to lie anymore. “I wanted to try to influence your thoughts and decisions. When I try hard, I can manipulate people into doing things that seem like their own decisions to them.” I can’t explain it any better, so Zeyliv probes further, of course. His eyes flash and I am happy to see this sign of life.
“You can manipulate others? How do you do that? What was I supposed to do?”
I answer the last question first. I know I said I didn’t want to lie anymore, but I am not going to deliver my beloved straight to Zeyliv by telling him about Khazaar’s plans. “I wanted my freedom,” I decide to say. It is an elegant and evasive bluff, but not really a lie. “I just want to live in peace with the man whom I love. I want to be happy. You can’t blame me for doing everything I can to achieve that. Not you.” I feel anger rising up in me again, but I push it back down. “And yes, I can manipulate others. It’s hard to explain. I just give their thoughts a little push in the right direction. It’s almost like I just increase an impulse that is already there. Similar to hypnosis.” Slowly I warm to the subject. “A man under hypnosis would never do anything that contradicted his innermost values. The hypnotist cannot force him to do something he doesn’t want to.”
“So, you had hoped to find the impulse to grant you your freedom?” He laughs coldly and condescendingly. I am silent. Then I look him in the eye.
“I know what you have been through,” I remind him. “I know you are not a bad person. You don’t want to hurt people, but you need the money. Have you ever considered that people might help you if you asked them to?”
Zeyliv shakes his head, as if he can’t believe his ears. “Surely you don’t think a Qua’Hathri would put the lives of his people on the line, just because I ask him nicely? Or because his heart is so large that he wants to fight alongside me against evil?” His last sentence oozes bitterness.
“No,” I say. “I don’t think that. They freed Earth from the Sethari, but only in return for the women.”
Zeyliv says nothing and only looks at me meaningfully. But I am not finished yet. My heart is beating like crazy. This could be the chance to turn everything for the good. “But if you promise him and his people their freedom, if they help you with your fight, then he would hold up his end of the bargain. He is a man of honor who does not break his promise.”
I look at him and try to let my honesty shine in my eyes. When he starts to get up, I know that I have failed. “You almost did it,” he says softly and stands up. I can’t see his face, but I can hear it in his voice. “I despise you, Cassie Burnett. You wanted to manipulate me, you have lied, and used me.” He turns in the direction of the house. Right before he leaves the garden, he turns around one last time. “We will continue as planned. With one change. You will get as much money out of the buyers as possible. And if I am not satisfied with your performance …”
He doesn’t need to articulate his threat. He will kill Khazaar if I don’t help him.