Jason
My palms were sweaty.
I knew exactly what had been next.
So did she.
The first kiss.
The beginning of the end, when I’d crossed a line without asking, and she’d thankfully responded the same way. We’d been best friends up until that point. So many stolen glances between us, when we didn’t think anyone had been looking. Nobody had called us out on it, but we were getting closer, and it was getting harder not to react to the way she made me feel every time she was close. As it was, I knew that if I touched her, I’d forget all the reasons I was angry and just kiss her, drink her in, and lie to myself — tell myself that she wanted me, when really, this wasn’t about rekindling anything.
It was about ending it.
“Sort of feels like the end of an era, doesn’t it?” Maddy smiled up at me shyly. “Like when Friends ended.”
I grinned. “Wow, that’s a heavy comparison.”
She just shrugged and tugged her ball cap down so her eyes were a mere shadow. I hated when I couldn’t see people’s eyes. Maybe it was the cop in me, but I could tell a lot through eye contact, whether the person was open to giving it, or not.
And she wasn’t.
So closed off.
Both of us.
I felt the distance spread until I was sick with it.
“Um…” she shoved her hands in her pockets, “…I forget how this started.”
“Bullshit.” I called her bluff, then took a step toward her and flicked her hat back so I could see her deep blue eyes. What I saw reflected in their depths gave me pause.
Fear.
Well, that made two of us.
I just wasn’t sure what she had to be afraid of, when she was the one who’d left; she was the one who’d betrayed me.
So, there we stood.
The air thick with her fear.
My anger.
And the smell of fresh-cut grass, as the sprinklers flicked on a few feet away from us. The shadow of the bleachers above hid us from the sun. We’d joked about how it cloaked us from the teachers when it was absolute shit; they’d seen everything. They just hadn’t cared — well, that, and they hadn’t been able to control us when we were together.
We’d been the unstoppable duo.
Until Maddy put a stop to it.
My partner in crime.
The love of my life.
I wanted to turn away. I wanted to run. I wanted to yell and say this was stupid, but the longer I stared at her, the more I realized I was never given the chance to say goodbye.
She hadn’t let me.
And I wondered, if we had handled it differently…
Would she have been able to leave in the first place?
Her breath came out in an uneasy exhale as she stood there studying me back; her eyes widened as I leaned down, cradling her cheek with my right hand like I had done back then.
My lips touched hers.
Asked permission.
With tentative velvet strokes, our lips slid against one another, slowly, as if it was a test we both wanted to pass with flying colors.
Her body relaxed into mine.
And then she was reaching between us, fisting my shirt with one hand, while gripping my shoulder with the other.
She tasted the same.
But her kiss was different.
More mature.
There was nothing uneasy about the way she slid her tongue past my lips. I opened my mouth to her, deepening the kiss. I tried to rein it in because, after all, our first kiss had been controlled. We’d laughed after then kissed again.
Tame.
It was so high school.
Then again, we’d been only sixteen.
But this kiss?
It said more than words could.
She moaned into my mouth when I moved my hands down, cupped her ass, and pulled her roughly against me as I attacked her mouth in a new angle. Maddy opened up to me as if she’d been waiting for my touch her whole life.
She cast a spell on me with that one kiss. My teeth nipped at her bottom lip as my hands moved into her hair, my fingers digging into her scalp, as we made out under the bleachers. She grasped at the loophole of my jeans, jerking my hardness against her and rubbing her body up and down mine as if she was just waiting for me to take her against the grass.
I heard nothing.
Felt nothing
Just Maddy’s touch.
The smooth caress of her tongue.
And then her hand as she slowly moved it from the belt loop up my hard stomach.
“Damn it.” I pulled away. It almost killed me.
Her eyes were lazy, her lips swollen.
“I, uh…” I cleared my throat, “…don’t think we fully captured the awkward first kiss moment…”
She licked her lips and then, as if she still tasted me there, gave me such a lust-filled gaze I almost reached for her again, almost asked her if I could strip her in the middle of the field and make a new memory.
“Yeah, um…” she shook her head as if she was in a fog, “…sorry?”
I smiled. “Yeah, me too. Really sorry…”
Her lips twitched. “Oh yeah? What are you sorry for?”
“Stopping,” I admitted truthfully. “You?”
“Almost copping a feel.”
Not what I’d expected. I hadn’t imagined it possible to get more aroused, and then she’d gone and talked about touching me. My length pressed against my zipper as she stared me down. “I’m disappointed you didn’t act on it.”
“Me too.” She shrugged. “Then again, that would be cheating.”
Cheat, cheat, please cheat! “Yeah.” Damn it! “You’re right.”
“So…” she clasped her hands in front of her and rocked on her heels, “…what was after the first kiss?”
“As if you don’t remember.” I laughed. “Little liar.”
She got so red she looked sixteen again. “We don’t have to do that part…”
Hell yeah, we do. Best idea Max ever had. Not that I wasn’t still pissed, but if it meant what was next, then yeah, I was all in. “My house or yours?”
“Yours,” she said quickly. “Plus, if we’re staying with the original day…”
“Uh-huh.”
I grabbed her hand without realizing what I was doing. She squeezed back as we walked to the police cruiser. I helped her in, shut the door, and saw movement out of the corner of my eye.
Max was slapping Colt on the back, while Colt coughed and Reid threw popcorn in their general direction.
“Seriously?” I crossed my arms. “How long have you guys been here?”
Max frowned. “Jason? Is that you? The sun’s in my eyes. Are you here for the annual movie night on the lawn too?”
I sighed. “Nice try. That’s next week.”
“Damn it,” he grumbled, then opened his mouth as if he was actually going to try again.
I shook my head; he closed his mouth.
“No more free shows.” I pointed at him and then stared at my other friends. “You guys actually followed Max for once?”
“I drove,” Colt admitted.
“But only because Max doesn’t have a license anymore.”
I rolled my eyes. “Do I want to know why?”
Max shoved his mouth full of popcorn and shrugged, while Reid answered for him. “It involved a nun, a bicycle, and the goat. Trust me, it’s too graphic for small ears.” He pointed to Colt, while I busted up laughing.
“Son of a bitch! For the last time, I do not have small ears!” Colt yelled, voice raspy as if he’d just choked on a popcorn kernel.
Well, at least that explains Max hitting him.
“Sure you don’t,” I said soothingly, while Colt gave me the finger. “All right, I’m just going to leave you to your own devices. Try not to end up in prison at the end of the night.”
“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Max said, mouth full.
“Exactly.” I saluted them and got into the cruiser. “Everything okay?”
“Oh, yeah!” Maddy finished a text and looked at me. Her smile felt forced. “It’s just… Annabelle gets cranky at naptime sometimes.”
“Why’s that?”
Her face fell as she swallowed hard and whispered, “She’s afraid if she falls asleep, when she wakes up, I’ll be gone.”
“I know the feeling,” I admitted without thinking, then heard her sharp intake of breath.
Shit.
I was losing at this closure thing. Especially when I let my guard down, and my anger forgotten. When I did that, all I had left was my honesty.
And my truth wasn’t pretty; it was ugly.
It was a life lived without her by my side.