Maddy
My heart hurt.
His lips were smooth, which just reminded me of how sharp the pain had been when I’d sat in that car and drove with Levi into the city.
I sent a quick text to my mom to let her know that I was okay.
It was a lie.
I didn’t count the tears; there were too many.
And Levi’s constant optimism didn’t help either. I’d chosen him because I’d trusted him, because I knew he wouldn’t ask questions or hit on me.
There was no way to explain an actual broken heart to a person. Words for that feeling don’t exist in the human language.
The worst part of leaving Jason was that I expected him to jump into his truck and tear after us.
He didn’t.
He stood still, unlike time.
And faded into my past, just like his figure faded from the rearview mirror.
I never heard from him again.
Suddenly angry, I jerked away from him, shoving against his chest.
He stumbled back a bit on his hurt foot and winced. “What the hell was that?”
Now I was really pissed. “You never chased me!”
“What?” He threw his hands up in the air. “Are you serious right now?”
“You— you just— stood there! You were in track. You could have chased me, could have forced me to come back. You could have driven into the city and burned down my apartment to get my attention. You just…” salty tears hit my lips, “…stood there.”
Jason hung his head. “I was in shock, Maddy. I had proposed to you twenty-four hours before you hopped into a car with Levi. No explanation. You just left!” His chest heaved as he clenched his hands into fists.
“Because I was afraid! But that doesn’t mean I’d wanted to! That doesn’t mean things wouldn’t have been different if you hadn’t just choked!”
“Choked!” he roared. “What damn part of this aren’t you getting, Maddy? You left me! With one of my best friends! What the hell did you think was going to happen? That I’d force you to come back? How many hits do you think my pride needs? My mom had already sent the engagement news to the local paper. It ran the next day, while I sat alone in my room staring at the fucking ring I’d saved for years to buy for you!”
More tears spilled in rapid succession down my cheeks as he yelled, as he forced me into his pain.
“I wouldn’t leave my room.” Jason looked away; his voice had a hitch to it as if he was either choking up, or trying not to. “I just stared at pictures of us and wondered if it had all been a lie —if you even cared — because you don’t throw away forever in an instant.”
My heart slowed as he lifted his hands and put them behind his head then kicked the pink chalk with his good foot.
“You broke my heart, Maddy. I’ve never hated, and loved, someone so much in my entire existence.”
“I was afraid.” My voice was small, unsure.
“Of us?” he asked.
“Of hating you like you hate me now… of coming home one day and forgetting why I was so lucky to have you by my side… of resenting staying home at eighteen, not going to NYU, not experiencing — anything. I was afraid of our future. And then the whispers about us being another local couple that bites the dust. That same night, Liza overheard someone asking if I was pregnant; it was just too much. All of it was too much, too soon. And I thought, ‘Is this just some fantasy we’d both conjured up,’ and then when you didn’t chase me…”
“So, you threw it away,” he answered, in the silence as the sun set around us, blanketing everything in dusk.
“My mom…” I tucked my hair behind my ear, “…she’s… as happy as she’s capable of being, but she’s… I’ve always been…” I frowned when Jason came closer and held out his hand. I took it and continued, “…afraid, I guess, that I would end up just like her — no education, no career. Funny, since I ended up just like her anyway, only worse, because I’m living in my old bedroom.”
Jason tilted my chin with his right hand. “Maddy, futures don’t just happen. You choose them, and those choices are like rocks that line your path. You planned that path perfectly, but left me off it by assuming I wanted to settle, when all I ever saw as I looked at you — was my greatest adventure.”
My body jerked to attention as my mouth dropped open then closed. “I—” Tears burned my eyes. “—I’m so sorry, Jason…”
His lips were on my face.
Kissing one cheek.
Kissing the other.
Caressing my forehead with his mouth as he whispered against my skin, “It’s been a long day. Why don’t you go lie down?”
I nodded, not trusting myself to say anything more.
Not trusting my body not to fall into old habits and just cling to him for support and strength.
Not trusting my heart to stay where it belonged, but instead, jump out of my chest and beg to be held.
The air around me was silent as I slowly walked back to the house and wondered what reason I’d ever had for being upset that he hadn’t chased me.
When he’d just made it painfully clear…
It had never once occurred to him that he would ever have to.