I woke up Monday morning with a renewed energy I hadn’t had in a while. I didn’t sleep as well as I did with Lucas this weekend but I was able to get some solid hours last night. Maybe sleeping next to Lucas was the reason I slept so well. I finally felt safe, cherished, loved.
I padded into the kitchen to find Caroline already awake and making us cups of coffee. I was glad were able to have some alone time last night. I had been so busy with work and Lucas and she had been at the bar with so many shifts that we’ve hardly seen each other over the last few weeks.
“Good morning, sunshine.” Caroline smiled as she set a plate of donuts down on the table and took her seat across from me.
“Good morning. I didn’t expect to see you this morning. What has you up so early?”
“I wanted to make sure you had a nutritious breakfast before you started your day.” She smirked at me as she handed me a blueberry cake donut from the bakery across the street
“Thanks for the sugar rush but, really what has you up this early? The sun has barely risen and you didn’t say you had anything happening this morning.” For her to be up this early meant she either hadn’t been to sleep or something woke her. Caroline can sleep through anything.
“I got a weird friend request last night on Facebook after you went to bed and it has been bothering me. I was hoping you could look at it and tell me I’m not imagining things. I think it may be Andrew, or someone pretending to be him.” She said to me with tears in her eyes.
I went over and pulled her into a hug, letting her tears fall without asking questions. She’s been very vague about what happened to Andrew and his family for years. I knew she was heartbroken over him and if she could get some closure, maybe she would be willing to look for love again. She has such an amazing heart that I hated to see her so sad.
She hands me her phone and I pulled up her friend requests.
“It’s the first one, Gabriel Andrews. We have no friends in common, this picture is dark and doesn’t really show his face but, in my heart, I think it’s him. Am I imagining things Maddie? I see him everywhere I go. His face still haunts me. Why can’t I move past him? Why can’t I tell my heart to stop loving him?” she cried into her hands, her body shaking with sobs.
“You never told me what happened with you two and now is not the time to get into that conversation. My question to you is this: What makes you think this is him? Besides the name, his first and this guy’s last, what makes you feel it is your Andrew making contact after all these years?”
“Gabriel was his older brother’s name. He died when Andrew was seven and he used to talk to me about him. Something in my heart says it’s him but I don’t want to imagine things. That’s why I asked you to look.”
“I’d say accept his request and you can always block him later if your gut is wrong. If he’s just some perv trying to gather friends, you delete him. Problem solved.”
“You’re right. I guess I got all worked up over nothing…”
“You being upset isn’t nothing. One day, very soon, you and I are going to talk about what happened with you guys. The whole story. Maybe it will help to tell someone else what happened. A fresh pair of eyes to look at it. I want to help you get past him so you can love again. You deserve so much love, Caroline.”
“Speaking of love, how is Lucas? We talked about a lot last night but you didn’t tell me how your weekend went. How was his lake house?”
“It was wonderful. He wants you to come up with us one weekend and hang out. You would love it. His house sits right on the lake and has the most amazing deck with a huge hot tub.”
I blushed at the memory of Lucas and I making love in the hot tub on our last night there. He had turned the lanterns on and had some slow music playing. We sipped on wine, laughed, talked, and stargazed until our wandering hands led us into exploring each other’s bodies under the stars. It was the perfect end to a wonderful weekend that I looked forward to repeating many times in the future.
“Love looks good on you, Maddie. I am so happy for you guys.” She hugged me with a smile on her face.
“Love feels good too. I’ve got to get cleaned up. My first meeting is at 8 and if I play my cards right and traffic is on my side, I can be done by lunch so I can surprise Lucas. He thinks I have appointments until three o’clock but a few emailed me with requests for earlier times so I shuffled a few things around.” I wagged my eyebrows at her as I gave her one last hug and floated down the hallway to get dressed.
I finished up with the day’s contract signings a little after eleven and headed straight for the office. I was eager to see Lucas and go over the additional sponsors I had managed to secure. A few of our partners were excited about the program and had passed the word on to others, resulting in sponsorship and additional resources that would help us grow and expand into other areas of the city and, hopefully one day, the entire state.
I arrived on my floor and walked up to Carol, Lucas’s secretary.
“Hello Maddie. I thought you were out of the office today. Would you like me to let Mr. Walters you are here? He is in a meeting but I know he would want to know.” She said with a knowing smile. I guess she is aware about Lucas and me.
“I wanted to surprise him for lunch. I’m going to sneak into my office and drop off these contracts then I’ll wait until his meeting is over. No need to disturb him.”
I walked past his closed office door and hear him with the man he was meeting with. It sounded like he had an old friend from the tone of voices and jovial words exchanged. I couldn’t tell what they were saying, only the infectious laugh coming through the door, making me smile.
I was in my office when I heard Carol bring in coffee for Lucas and his guest. I guessed he might be a while longer, and I had a few more emails to address. With my door open, I heard the voices in his office change and start getting louder through his slightly cracked door. Carol must have forgotten to close it completely, resulting in harsh words and angry voices carrying into my office.
I tried to drown out the argument that he was having in his office but it was getting harder and harder to ignore. I knew in business tempers and emotions could get high sometimes, resulting in anger. It was only when I heard my name being spoken loudly that I started to move toward the source of the commotion.
“Why haven’t you told Maddie about everything yet?” A voice I didn’t recognize was saying, anger and hurt in his voice.
Do I know who is in there?
Why are they talking about me?
What don’t I know?
“She has just begun to open her mind up to the reality of the past. She just recently started asking questions about everything. Now isn’t the time to go and confuse her by trying to explain things to her. She needs to come to terms with everything before we tell her the rest.” Lucas said with anger and in his voice.
“But your part of the plan is right on course, isn’t is Lucas? You are, what, sleeping with her? Dating her? Does she even know the real you? Does she know about your past?”
“Don’t talk about her like that. She knows what she needs to, for now. One day I will tell her everything but now is not that time.” Pure rage poured from him.
“When will be the right time, Lucas? When you have gotten everything you want and I am still estranged from her? Why are you keeping this information from Maddie? Why are you keeping her from me?”
“Why didn’t you tell me you wrote Sara letters, Jason! How could you not tell me that before I went looking for Maddie? I had to get Lisa and Joe to bring Sara journals to her and even then, I wasn’t aware you communicated with Sara. Why did you keep them secret from me?”
“No one was ever supposed to know Sara and I kept in contact. We did it to protect Maddie.”
I felt like I was going to be sick. I had to lean against the wall and use my hand to stop the sob threatening to erupt from my throat. Lucas knew Jason. Lucas manipulated me for his and Jason’s personal gain. Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe were in on it too. Was Caroline a part of it? Why would my family betray me? Everything he said to me was a lie. My world was spinning apart right before my eyes and I felt sick about not seeing the truth sooner.
How can I trust anything he has said time if this entire time he has been working with my father? To what ends? Why tell me he loved me if his end game was to…I don’t even know. Hurt me? Use me?
The rest of their conversation drifted into white noise as I stumbled into my office and grabbed my purse. I made sure to leave my ID and company credit card on my desk on top of the signed contracts and additional sponsorship I had just secured.
How could he do this to me? He used me, allowed me to build and design something I could be proud of, something I was passionate about. And none of it was real. His words, his touch, his love were all betrayals.
I walked quietly past Lucas’s office and moved quickly to the elevator. I wouldn’t break down inside the building. I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I passed Carol’s desk, avoiding her eyes. I hoped she couldn’t tell I was moments from an emotional tsunami.
I’d opened my heart to a man who had no intention of ever loving me. Every touch, every kiss, every whispered word of love was a lie. The steel and concrete wall around my heart was taller and thicker than it had ever been. I had been right to avoid the trappings of love.
I punched the button over and over, willing the doors to open before Lucas and my father come out of the office.
Carol, witnessing my impending breakdown, came around the desk to check on me. “Are you okay Maddie? You look a little pale. Can I get Lucas to help?”
“I’m fine Carol. Please don’t interrupt Lucas in his meeting.” the last part coming on a broken sob. “I don’t feel so well and I’m going to head home to get some rest. Don’t let Lucas know I was here, I don’t want him to worry about me.”
“If you are sure? I hope you get to feeling better.”
The doors opened and I walked in, giving Carol a small wave. This was last I would see of the sweet woman who mothered the entire office and made me feel like I was part of a family.
Family.
The first tears threatened to fell but I was wiping under my eyes, trying to keep them at bay until I made it to my car. I needed to get as far away from Lucas as I could, but I knew he would come looking once he realized his lies had been exposed.
I drove through the lunchtime traffic, weeping slightly but determined to get home before I allowed the real tears to come. I needed to pack and get out before anyone realized I was aware of their deceit and tried to stop me.
I should have never trusted Lucas. I allowed his pretty words and handsome appearance to get past my defenses. He used my past and my family to twist himself into my life, never meaning any of the lies he whispered into my ears.
I am so stupid. He was the one to bring up my family and it was his suggestion to look into my father. He used me the entire time. He told me he loved me. I opened my heart and body to him. A mistake I would never make again.
When I arrived home, I fell through the door onto my knees as I wailed into the floor, the click of the door letting me know I was alone with my pain. The tears flowed and I did nothing to stop them, allowing them to wash away the raw torment of having my heart ripped apart. Time stood still as I purged all of my misery. Each tear represented a moment unfulfilled, a future untold, a love lost.
I cried for what felt like hours before I was able to drag myself off the floor. I’m glad Caroline was working an early shift today, as I planned to be gone soon. I didn’t know who was involved in this giant lie that my life had suddenly become. Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe were definitely involved, but was Caroline also? Did my best friend allow my heart to get broken on purpose?
No, I can’t believe she had anything to do with this.
Today started out with old heartbreak and secrets. If I had any idea how it would end up, I would have never changed my schedule. I would have stayed at home.
I made my way into my bedroom and changed into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Grabbing my suitcase from the closet, I began to pack my clothes and bathroom items as quickly as I could. I wanted to be on the road as soon as possible but I didn’t know where to go that my family wouldn’t look for me.
On impulse, I called the one man I knew never lied to me.
“Hey honey! How are you?” he answered with a smile in his voice.
“Josh” I broke into a sob.
“Maddie, what’s wrong? Where are you? Honey, talk to me, I need to know what to do to help, please. Do I need to call your family?”
“No! Don’t call them! I’m okay but I need to disappear for a couple of days. I don’t want to talk about it right now but I need to know if you can let me borrow your parent’s beach house in Florida?”
“The house is always open for you, but you don’t sound like you are in any shape to drive. I’m dressed and on the way to you now. I’ll take you down and get you settled because I don’t want you to be alone right now. I’ll stay until I know you’re going to be okay.”
“I don’t want you to miss work for me. I don’t want to cause you any trouble.”
“You’re more important than any job, besides I can take a few days off. I’ve got vacation saved and I really want to help. Please, let me help you.”
“Okay. But don’t tell anyone where we are going or that you even spoke to me. Especially my family. No one can know where I am. I need to be off the radar for a while until I can make sense of things.”
“Now I am really worried. I’ll be there soon. If you are trying to go dark, get to the bank and get whatever cash you will need and we will pick you up a burner cell on the road. That way you aren’t on the grid with your credit cards or cell phone GPS.”
“How do you know this?” I giggled. Josh always had a way of making me feel lighter inside. His secret agent act was endearing and just the levity needed to lessen the ache in my heart.
“TV baby! Get ready, I’ll be there in less than thirty.” He disconnected the call and I was left with my thoughts, swirling inside my head like a tornado kicking up dust and debris.
Why all the lies?
Why make me fall in love with him?
What part did my aunt and uncle play?
Josh arrived and we swung by the bank for me to withdraw money for my “escape” as Josh as affectionately nicknamed my running. As we made our way into Florida, I told him the entire story of how I met Lucas. The first night at the bar, the job offer, the falling in love, and the conversation I overheard. Josh was aware of my father, but I filled him in on the recently discovered journals and letters.
I left out the sexual details to avoid hurting him. I knew it was probably unfair of me to call Josh but he was someone I trusted, and with all the lies surrounding me I needed someone I still had faith in.
He listened, asked questions when he needed clarification, and finally he spoke. Josh wasn’t one to drone on and on so when he launched into a speech, I knew it was time to listen.
“Maddie, you know I love you. I’ll always be here for you but you have always been afraid to open your heart. I don’t know what game Lucas, Jason and your family are playing but I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Caroline isn’t a part of it. I had a drink with her at the bar last weekend after I received your text. The one where you said you loved him. I needed to see if this guy was the real deal. The way she went on and on about him, I know she didn’t betray you. I know you finally let allowed yourself to love someone. I don’t know what to say about Lisa and Joe but I think you need to hear them out. They love you so much and its possible you only heard enough of the conversation to make them look like they did something wrong. I can’t begin to understand what Lucas has to gain in all this, or why he felt the need to lie about everything. You will need to talk to him when you’re ready and hopefully he can explain himself. I’ve never met the guy, but if he won your heart then he must be pretty special.”
I let his words sink in. Did I hear things wrong? I don’t feel like I did… and my father was in his office, talking about me. That couldn’t be explained away by confusion. Lucas knew my father and was working with him in regards to me.
We arrived at his parent’s little beach house in Mexico Beach and I immediately walked out into the sand, heading toward the crashing waves. The beach was my church, always showing me God and his infinite wonder, taking my jumbled thoughts and slowly putting them back together in a way that made sense.
I would have to hear them all out. But for now, I allowed myself to be lost.
Lost in thought.
Lost in emotion.
Lost without Lucas.
Josh sat down beside me and handed me a beer, no words spoken between us. We sat and watched the sun set on the horizon, the sky changing from blue to orange and finally the grey overtook the light, swallowing us up into the night. Fitting for my current mood.
As we made our way back to the house, Josh made sure to keep a hand on me, almost like he was afraid I would run from him too. I didn’t feel like running. I just wanted the thoughts swirling around my head to stop.
Why the manipulation? I would have listened to the truth if he had given me the chance. Now, I’ll never know if what I felt was real or just another part of his game. I couldn’t trust my heart, that much is certain.
I had turned off my emotion, feeling numb inside, knowing I would never experience what I thought I had.
Love.