As I drank my coffee, Caroline chattered away from the drivers’ seat about something that I missed. I absently nodded my head as I looked out the window, watching the cars pass by, wondering where they are going.
Who is waiting at home for them when they return?
Do they have people that love them? Parents who lift them up to higher goals?
Is there support when they fail?
Jesus, I need to snap out of this funk. Its’ been years since I have thought about him and today, it seems like he is heavy on my mind.
Maybe it’s the fact that today I’m the same age as my mother when she had me.
The same age as she was when she was left to take care of me on her own. The same age as she was when she began the struggle that I’m convinced killed her.
I often wondered if she hadn’t had me, what would her life had become? Would she still be alive? Living happily with my father? Perhaps traveling the world having amazing adventures.
“Earth to Maddie. Did you hear what I just said?” Caroline asked, snapping me back from the endless questions rolling around in my head regarding my parents.
“I’m sorry Caroline. I must have zoned out. What were you saying?” I asked her, embarrassed that I hadn’t heard anything she said.
“I said its almost time for you to put on the blindfold. I don’t want to ruin your surprise before we get there.” She was practically humming with nervous energy. Now I started worrying. She only gets this way when we are about to do something really crazy or really stupid.
“Where are we going?” I ask in a rush as I look around trying to get my bearings on where we were located in Atlanta. Only, I didn’t really recognize anything around us. “Where are we?”
“Please, just put the blindfold on. I promise you’ll love where we are going and you don’t have to wear it long. Please?”
I can’t turn her down when she uses that small voice. The same voice I remember as a child, telling me everything was going to be okay after my mother died.
I tied the blindfold around my eyes, turning in her general direction. “I didn’t know you were so kinky Caroline” wagging my eyebrows up and down.
“Well, there are a few things about me you don’t know” she said and I can hear the smile in her voice.
“Really?!”
“No, silly. I’m as vanilla as they come. At least that’s what my last ex said.”
“Screw him. He was a jerk and he cheated on you with how many girls?”
“Too many to count. Forget about him. Today is about you, me, and adventure.”
Caroline turned the radio up and my favorite Breaking Benjamin songs started blasting through the speakers. I sang along at the top of my lungs, not caring who saw me blindfolded and performing karaoke in the passenger seat.
I felt the car make a left turn and then a short distance later, a right, and then the car comes to a stop.
“Can I take this off yet?” I asked the second the car rolled to a stop.
“Not yet. Give it just another minute. Someone will be here to help us very soon.” Caroline said, with her mega smile beaming brightly in her voice.
The next thing I knew, my door was being opened and someone took my hand to help me out. It’s difficult to move around when you can’t see where you are going, but I put my faith in the person holding my hand that they would keep me safe and unharmed.
I felt hands come around behind my head, just as I heard Caroline’s door close.
I blinked when the bright light hit my eyes and it took me a moment to recognize who was standing in front of me.
“Josh!” I screamed as I jumped into his arms, my legs wrapping around his waist. “What are you doing here? Wait. Where is here?” For the first time I really started looking around to see where I was.
Caroline came up beside me and patted me on the back while I was climbing down from Josh.
“You always said you wanted to skydive, so today we are going to work on that life list of yours. But, just so you know, we are marking through a few on your list today.” Josh smirked at me as I found myself still in his arms.
I couldn’t help but admire how attractive he is. Just over 6-feet tall with beautiful brown eyes, jet black hair and enough of a beard to make him have that edgy bad boy vibe. His tanned skin covered in black designs of swirls and geometric patterns that I have traced with my fingers too many times to count.
Josh and I had dated the summer after I graduated high school. It was our first semester at the University of Georgia. Since we were second year students, Caroline and I had a co-ed dorm. Josh was on the same floor as us and we meet during a social mixer the first weekend. We were inseparable until my insecurities got in the way. I broke things off with him but we remained best friends. Strange, I know, to be friends with a guy you had sex with, but I was never in love with Josh. I had very strong feelings for him, and the sex was amazing, but the love never developed. I never allowed myself to open that part of my heart to him. We have hooked up a few times through the years but I decided recently we were better off as friends and, so far, we’ve been able to stick to that agreement.
I even set him up on a blind date a few months after we broke up. Again, strange, but I couldn’t not have him in my life and I wanted him to be happy… just not with me.
I backed away and put some space between us. I can feel the blush overtake my face and I try to look down to hide my embarrassment.
Josh lifted my head with his finger looking me straight in the eyes. “Today is all about you and making your dreams come true. You do so much for everyone else, you put so much work into your degree and volunteer work, and you barely allow yourself any time to relax. Please, Honey, let us do this for you. Let us show you a good time today and let’s celebrate your birthday in style.”
I loved when he called me Honey. It was his pet name for me and it was our inside joke as to how he came up with that name. Let’s just say I will never look at a jar of honey the same way.
As I peered into his eyes, I saw all the love he has for me. Only he had never uttered a word about it. I’ve known Josh has been in love with me since we dated, but I kept him firmly planted in the friend zone, occasionally with benefits.
Harsh, I know, but necessary. I didn’t want to hurt him any more than I felt like I had already had.
I’ve never allowed myself to be open with a man and I don’t think I ever will. After all the crap I saw my mother go though, having a man say they love you, get you pregnant and then leave you would destroy me. So, I keep them at arm’s length where I am safe. Sex is fine, just not love.
“Let’s do this” I screamed as I flung my arms in the air. “Let’s carpe the hell out of this diem” I laugh as they started dancing and jumping around with me.
Holy crap, I’m about to jump out of a plane. What the hell am I thinking?!