I woke up the next morning with a nervousness deep inside of me I’ve never experienced before. Last night after Lucas left, I realized I needed to deal with my past so I can open myself up to a future with him.
What happened all those years ago to make Jason leave us? Did he have second thoughts about being a father?
Did he prefer his bachelor lifestyle over dirty diapers and a crying baby?
I hoped Aunt Lisa can help me understand why mom and I were cast out of his life without a second glance.
I reached over and grabbed the picture of my mom and I that I kept by my bedside since I was a little girl. We had gone to an amusement park and both of us had on oversized sunglasses too big for our faces, each of us holding a stuffed animal, and smiling the biggest smiles we could make.
I remember that day like it was yesterday. We stopped and visited the park on our way to see Jason. Mom wanted our trip to be an adventure so we stopped on a whim and spent the day riding the kiddie rides and enjoying all the greasy goodness they sold at amusement parks.
The next day, she drove me to see where my grandparents were buried. Mom explained to me that people die and it is the responsibility of the living to remember them and the lessons and love that we were given. She told me about what it was like to grow up in the North Georgia mountains when she was a little girl and how she moved in with her grandparents when her dad got sick. She told me of living with her mom and grandparents until one by one, they all left her alone.
She wove a tale of love and adventure with Jason and how much they were looking forward to being my parents. I knew I had a father but up until that point in my life, he was more of a distant person we spoke of but never saw. He was the ghost that haunted our house.
My mother never gave up her love for him and reminded me if I found love to never give up on it either. “You fight for love, Maddie. Always follow your heart and you’ll be fine.” Her words haunted me but gave me hope that she was still around. Guiding me on my path to forever.
“I love you, momma. I hope I make you proud of me.” I spoke to the picture as I stroked my finger over her beautiful face.
The doorbell and Caroline’s animated voice let me know my aunt and uncle were here. I made quick work of getting myself pulled together and headed in to the kitchen to the sound of laughter.
The sounds reminded me of growing up and all the laughter we shared. I walked up and gave my uncle a bear hug, feeling safe in his arms. He is the closest man in my life, besides Lucas, and I love him for loving me.
“Are you excited about seeing your Army buddies today?” I asked him as I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down next to Aunt Lisa at the table. Caroline had gone and picked up bagels for everyone so we were able to tuck into breakfast.
I looked up and couldn’t help but smile at my family, all sitting around eating breakfast, just like did when we were growing up. The familiarity of it all was comforting.
“It will be nice to see everyone today. Its been a while since we were able to get together so seeing the game today will be nice.”
“Who all is coming?” Caroline asked, without raising her head.
I knew what she was asking without actually asking.
Was Andrew’s father coming? Had anyone heard from them? Where was he?
The look on his face said it all. He reached over and gently grabbed her hand, which caused her to finally look at him, her eyes full of tears. “No sweetheart, there hasn’t been any word from them since they moved.”
She shook her head and wiped the corner of her eyes. She knew more than she was saying but none of us called her out on it. She would tell us when she was ready and we would be here to help her deal with whatever the fallout was. That’s what family does. They protect and support you.
Aunt Lisa directed the topic away from Caroline broken heart and shifted the spotlight onto me. I was used to this. They would deflect from one to the other without every pressuring us to speak, knowing eventually we would crack and tell them everything.
“Tell us all about the new job. Do you like what you are working on? How is your anxiety with the commute? I swear I don’t know how you girls live in all this traffic. You have to leave yesterday to get somewhere tomorrow around this city.”
“The commute is fine. I take the train into work and Lucas brings me home each afternoon. The next few weeks I have to drive to different facilities around the city to see where we can bring the seniors and youth together without disrupting too many schedules. As it sits right now, we don’t have any facilitators so I’m dealing with all the logistics. Its difficult but I think it will be fulfilling and beneficial to everyone involved.”
“Lucas, huh? How long have you been seeing him?” My uncle grumbled.
It caught me off guard because he rarely asks questions about who we are dating. He trusted our judgement. Besides, Aunt Lisa would ask enough questions for both of them.
“We have been dating, for lack of a better term, for about a month now. Why? What’s wrong with Lucas?” I asked with a hint of worry on my voice. If they don’t like Lucas, how can I be sure he really is as great as I think he is?
“Nothing. Nothing is wrong with Lucas.” He gave my aunt a look that was hard to make out as he stood up and began to give us all hugs. “I’m headed out for the game. It’s a double-header so I’ll be home around dark. You girls have fun today.”
He was out the door and we were left alone in an awkward silence that cut through the room like a dense fog.
“Am I missing something, mom? What was wrong with dad and what does it have to do with Lucas? You guys haven’t even met him yet and he is a really great guy. He told me last night he had fallen for Maddie. You should have seen the look in his eyes, mom. It’s the same way dad looks at you.” Caroline felt the need to defend me.
“He is just worried about you dating someone you work with, I would imagine. You know he is a little more old fashion that most people when it comes to stuff like that.” She waved the whole uncomfortable situation off with a flick of her wrist.
I had a hard time fully believing it was what she reasoned but I learned a long time ago to trust my aunt and uncle. They’ve never lied to me so I knew she was, at the least, omitting information and not altering it. I could let it go for now because there were more important issues we need to discuss.
“You guys want to top off our coffees and move into the living room?”
“I’ll do it. Mom, why don’t ya’ll get comfortable and I’ll be right there.” Caroline told us and began to clear the breakfast plates.
I sat down on the overstuff chair we positioned near the sliding glass door and Aunt Lisa took her position on the couch across the ottoman from me. We both enjoyed our coffee and small talk about the apartment, waiting on Caroline to join us.
She sat down on the couch with her mom and I decided to rip the band-aid off my anxiety.
“Do you know why Jason left my mom and I?” I asked in a rush, hoping I didn’t choke on the words I just spoke. I never thought I would want to know about him and now I want to know everything.
“Sara spoke with me and Joe at length about Jason but I want you to read a few things first before I tell you what I remember. I went through your mom’s boxes, looking for her journals. She always wrote down her thoughts and feelings, things that were happening in her life. You know, the typical things ladies journal about. I think I may have found a few items to give you a better idea of what happen and what was going through her head. Would you like to read them?”
“Please.” I felt my eyes getting hot and I knew I was going to cry when I read whatever it was she was about to give me. These were my moms’ thoughts, her feelings, her words written by her hand.
I looked down at the envelope she handed me and I immediately recognized my mom’s handwriting on the outside, my name in cursive on the front. I gently opened the envelope and began to read the letter.
My Dearest Maddie,
I am so proud that God let me your momma. Out of all the people in the world, he chose me to experience your loving and giving soul. I am so sorry that I wasn’t there to watch you grow up and turn into the beautiful woman I know you are. I will watch over you and guide you as I can.
Don’t be scared to live, Maddie. Get up and watch the sun rise and look at how small all the problems that are bothering you really are. Take the time to experience every new adventure you can and love with your entire heart. Never let a day pass that you don’t tell the ones you love how much they mean to you. No one is promised tomorrow.
Life is short. I hate that you learned this cruel lesson so young. I am also sorry I never had the time to explain you father to you. He is a complicated man but never doubt his love for us. Don’t hate him baby girl. There are things that happened that you couldn’t have understood at such a young age. Jason loves you very much. Your memories of him may not be pleasant, and for that I ask for your forgiveness.
It was wrong of me to expose you to him the way I did. He deserves, one day, to be able to explain his reasons for leaving. Please take the time to really listen. That stubborn streak you have comes from him and you have dug your heels in since the day you were born. Give him the chance to make things right with you.
The most precious and special moments of my life were you. When I found out I was going to be a mom, I was scared not to have my parents there to guide me in raising you. When I knew I wasn’t going to be there to see you grow up, I was angry at God for leaving you alone. Only he gave me Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe. I know they will give you a wonderful life. Love them with all your heart.
I want you to know you are the most important thing I did in my entire life and I love you with everything that I have in my soul. I miss you and I will see you one day. Have faith Maddie and be brave always.
I Love You Butterfly,
Mom
I was crying so hard I struggled to catch my breath. I clutched the letter to my chest and was lost in grief.
Grief for a mom who died too soon.
Grief for a father I have hated my entire life.
Grief for a family never realized.
Aunt Lisa and Caroline engulfed me in hugs and held me until I was able to gather my emotions.
“Why now? Why is this the first time I’ve seen this Aunt Lisa?”
“Your mom made me promise to give you this when you finally asked about Jason. I tried for years to get you to talk or just listen but you weren’t interested and I promised her I wouldn’t push you into talking. I knew it was time after the call the other day. I brought a few more things. Would you like to see them?” she asked me with a little bit of hesitation.
“Yes, please.”
Caroline brought a box of tissue in when she came in earlier and I took a few and wiped my face. I needed to get through this so I could be brave like mom wanted. I knew I was a mess and I’m so grateful Aunt Lisa and Caroline were right here to pick me up when I needed them.
She handed me a small shoe box and I gently opened it. I swear I could smell her perfume when I opened the box. She always smelled like fresh flowers and sunshine. I began going through the items, sorting them into two piles. One had two journals and the other had a handful of letters.
“Where do I start?” I looked at my aunt for some kind of guidance.
“Would you like me to read a few of the letters to you? Maybe it will help to hear it instead of having to read it. Please know I have looked through everything so I know what they say. I just want to make this easier on you.”
I nodded and she reached over and pulled a letter out of an old envelope when she began to read aloud.
Sara,
I got the pictures you sent to me. She is growing up so quickly. I can’t believe she is already walking. I pray that we are close to ending this nefarious business and I can come home to you both. I love you both with my entire being.
Again, I beg your forgiveness for leaving the way I did. All I wanted to do was protect you and our daughter from the filth my father had gotten us into. I left you in the world alone to raise our precious daughter. I will do whatever I have to do to keep you safe, even if it means fooling the world into thinking you mean nothing.
You mean EVERYTHING TO ME. Never forget that!
I long for the day I can hold you both in my arms and show you how much I love you. My soul has always been yours. I gladly handed it and my heart over to you the moment you smiled at me across the bookstore. You were made for me and I was made for you.
Keep our precious Maddie close and hopefully, one day soon, you can tell her all about me.
My heart beats for you. I am nothing without you.
I will write again soon.
All my love,
Jason
P.S. I have deposited more money into you account. If it is not enough, make contact through the regular channels and I will handle it.
“He..he wanted me? All along he wanted me and I never knew. What happen Aunt Lisa? What was so bad that he sent us away and left my mother to die alone?”
She took my hand, “I don’t know all the details because your mom wanted to protect all of us when she died. When she came back from New York when you were a couple of months old, she was rattled to her core. She didn’t want to talk about it but after a few days, we were able to get her to open up some. She went to Jason’s house and he came to the door with a woman draped all over him. She tried to run but he confronted her. He told her she was nobody to him and she needed to leave. He acted like the over two years they had together was time wasted. She left and was on her way back to the hotel to get her things when she was stopped by a couple of rough looking guys. Big, brash and threatening. Her words not mine. They asked her who she was and how she knew the Merrick’s. Something about them seemed off and she told them she was an old friend Jason’s from college. Thought she would look him up while she was in the city. She tried real hard to convince them she barely knew Jason. And they must have believed her because they only thing they said before they walked away was ‘any friend of the Merrick’s might not be above ground for too long. You sure are pretty and it would be a shame to have to make you a part of it.’”
“Someone was threatening him? Us?” a wobble in my voice relayed the fear I was feeling.
“She never said it directly but, yes, that is my opinion. I think Jason’s father or the company somehow got involved in something that caused extreme danger to you and Sara. He was there to witness your birth and not one time did he leave the hospital. He took you guys home and made sure you were put in bed. They held each other for a few hours and that’s when things get fuzzy. I don’t know if she woke up alone or he told her he would be back, either way it happened, he got a phone call from his dad. He left and never returned. She called his office and his parents’ house and got nothing but answering machines. She let me know a few days after he left and I came up to check on her. Caroline was a couple of months old and I wanted to be there for Sara. She was isolated and alone. Scared of the future of being a single mother.”
“Joe found him through his company and she made the trip up New York. When she returned, she told us she wasn’t going to look for him anymore, she had the answer she needed and it was time for her to move on. It took her getting sick for her to tell us what had happened. I didn’t realize until then she’d had contact with Jason all those years. I don’t know what kind and to what extent they communicated, but she gave me the contact information for a lawyer here in Atlanta that made sure you were cared for. Told me if something happened to her, to contact them so I did when she passed away. The only thing they told me was the account Sara had access to was closed and no further contact would be made.”
My head was starting to hurt and my eyes felt swollen from all the crying I had done. Listening to the story of my mothers’ heartbreak and Jason’s desire for us to be a family had disrupted my world.
I had always felt like the little orphan girl. Father didn’t want me, mother died. I never thought he wanted to make us a family, only he had to keep us safe by sending us away.
Now I wondered if I remembered everything from the night he sent us away. He had closed the door behind him, to keep us out I thought, and he got rid of us pretty quickly. Almost like he didn’t want anyone to see us with him. Maybe he was trying to keep the danger away and the conversation they had wasn’t what it sounded like.
She’d given him a letter and he still had it in his hand when we drove away. I remember him putting it in his coat pocket and holding his hand over his heart, looking at us as we drove away.
He wanted me all along.
I looked out the window and saw a beautiful blue butterfly land on our patio table.
I felt like mom was here, letting me know everything was okay and she loved me.
“If it’s okay, I‘d like to read the rest of these later. It is a lot to take in and I need some time to think.”
“Think about what, Maddie? This is what you wanted. To know what happen to be able to move past your hurt and resentment to a healthy life. You have been holding a part of yourself away your entire life. There is a great guy who cares a lot about you and you care about him. Take what your mom said to heart. Have faith and be brave.” Caroline said as she stood up and went to refill our coffees.
“Life is short Maddie. Seize the damn day.” She shouted from the kitchen.
I owed it to my myself and my parents, both of them, to find forgiveness from the past.
I owed it to Lucas to open my heart and try.