Chapter Thirteen

Jimmy

 

I rubbed my gloved hands together and hopped from foot to foot, wishing it did anything to stave away the cold. It had been snowing this morning, but now the sky had closed its floodgates. However, the air hadn’t gotten the memo to give me a break, and as the world around me darkened, it froze. No amount of layers could keep the chill from my bones. And I’d only been outside for a few minutes — I needed some space from the stuffy store. Moving between such extreme temperatures was making me woozy and faint. My stomach churned.

Although to be fair, that could have been to do with the lack of sleep I’d been getting lately. Or my mood in general. I had barely talked to Cole for a week, I still had no idea what I was doing after I finished my job here, and I’d just found out it was my last day.

I figured that it only made sense I would be working right up until Christmas Day, but it turned out that MerryMart was having a blowout sale on Christmas Eve. ‘Santa’ was taking tomorrow off to prepare for his delivery run — and so that they had more space for sale displays.

Today was my last day in this ugly red suit, my last day with this scratchy beard… And my last day earning a paycheck, indefinitely.

Lately, I was more of a Grinch than ever. The decorations everywhere pissed me off. The children climbing on my knee with their stupid Christmas wishes pissed me off.

All because Cole pissed me off. He kept trying to message me about meeting up, and I wasn’t sure how he hadn’t yet gotten my hint that I already had gotten his hint. I didn’t need a real breakup conversation to know what was going to happen when we finally caught up. He’d ghosted on me last time, and while it was honorable that he had grown enough as a person that he wanted to dump me in person now, I wanted to avoid that. As long as I didn’t talk to him, sit through that final conversation, I could pretend it wasn’t over — and if it was over, it was because I stopped talking to him.

In reality, I knew the reason it was over. It was over because I was too much. I was too vulnerable, too broken, too depressed, and too scared of everything for a man like Cole to be able to handle.

I had let my guard down at Dean’s bonfire. Cole was charismatic and charming, everyone’s friend. You could tell from just the smile on his face that friendship had never been hard for him to come by. It was why he did so well in the hospitality industry. How pathetic must I have looked, basking in the glow of friendship for the very first time?

He’d seen me have fun, seen me relax, seen me when I wasn’t watching myself so carefully.

And then he’d told me we needed to talk.

I was wallowing in self-despair when a message from Maya popped up on my phone. Come over to Agenda tonight! Poster making party for Jimmymas! Pleeeeeeease.

I couldn’t help but smile. Maybe breaking up with Cole so early into our relationship was for the best — this way I might salvage a friendship or two.

I wanted to go. But if Cole was there… I had enough bad memories around my birthday, I didn’t need to add ‘getting dumped on Christmas Eve’ to my list of woes.

The door behind me burst open, jerking me back to reality.

“There you are!” said Talal breathlessly. “Your break ended five minutes ago! Sharon is angry.” He furrowed his face into an exaggerated version of her frown, and I burst out laughing before I winced. I hadn’t realized five minutes had passed since I started my break, let alone fifteen. The cold was addling my brain.

Sure, blame the cold, the voice in my head scolded me. Like I hadn’t been lost in thought about my love life.

“Sorry,” I said. “Time got away from me.” I tugged my beard back up over my chin and wrinkled my nose. Who would have known that synthetic hair got so sweaty? Thanks to the heat of MerryMart, I stunk, and not like milk and cookies. Why did Father Christmas have to wear such heavy clothes anyway? Didn’t they have heaters in the North Pole?

“Are you upset about that boy?” asked Talal, anxiously tugging me inside so that I could return to my post as quickly as possible.

“That boy?” I repeated.

“Your partner.”

“Cole?” I glanced out the corner of my eye for a glimpse of Talal’s sympathetic face. I’d told him a little bit about what was going on, on account of not being able to hide my melancholy at work entirely. But I left out the details. “Yeah, it’s about Cole.”

“You should talk to him,” said Talal.

On our way to Santa’s Grotto, we passed by Sharon, who gave me a scathing look. “Get to work, Jimmy.”

“Sorry, Sharon, I-”

“Don’t make excuses. Do your job.” She paused. “Oh, and you’re staying late tonight.”

“I missed five minutes!”

“And you can make up for it with thirty minutes. When our sign says Santa is coming back in ten minutes, parents rely on that. There’s a queue.”

“Then this conversation with you is wasting time, right?” said Talal cheekily. “Come on, Jimmy.”

“Watch your tone, elf,” she called after him.

“Sorry, Sharon!” I called over my shoulder to her as we hurried away.

“Was I too rude?” asked Talal anxiously when we were out of earshot.

“You were right, and she knows it.” I glanced at his face. His brow was furrowed with worry. “You’re not going to get fired the day before we close up. The worst that can happen is that she’s a dick to you.”

“She’s always a dick to me.”

“Exactly. So you’re all good. I’m proud of you for sticking up to her.” I gave him a cheery, Santa-style smile as I clambered back into my plush throne and waved at a crowd of excited children. A pair of twins with sticky candy canes in their chubby fists cheered at me.

Ah, candy cane goop. Santa’s facemask.

 

***

 

My last hours at MerryMart crawled by slower than a snail on crutches. By the time work was over, my bones ached, and my eyes were heavy. I must have looked exhausted. Sleep had been evading me lately- Or maybe I’d been avoiding sleep.

My shift was supposed to end at eight thirty, but Sharon refused to let me go until past nine. I supposed, given my impending unemployment, any extra time on the clock had to be a good thing, but I wanted to start wallowing ASAP.

I was still wearing my Santa suit when I finally left MerryMart. I needed to get the costume dry-cleaned before I returned it to the rental store after Christmas, and unfortunately for me, it was too bulky for my backpack. I had been planning to bring a bigger bag tomorrow, except as I’d learned halfway through today, I wasn’t working tomorrow. So now I looked like somebody who wanted to be on the streets on Christmas Eve, spreading cheer and goodwill. It was almost comical how far that was from the truth.

My life was a disaster, and the obvious plan of attack was to go home, curl up in bed, and come up with a way to get myself through the next few months. But despite everything, there was a small spring in my step thanks to knowing I would never have to go back to that suffocating store ever again (or at least until next December).

Now that I’d stepped out into the fresh air and my body was actually moving, I was starting to wake up. I froze in the spot, unsure of which direction to go.

If I turned right, I’d walk to my bus stop. I’d go home, put on a bunch of layers, and hibernate.

If I turned left, I’d go to Agenda, where Cole and Maya and other potential friends were making posters for Jimmymas.

How could I bail on that? 

But how could I go, when Cole was there?

I wish I knew what he wanted from me. Why couldn’t he just text me whatever he wanted to talk about? Why did it have to be a Big Thing?

I loathed the idea of dealing with the serious conversation he wanted to have, but despite that, my feet led me to the left.

The weather had turned since earlier. As I walked down Bent Street, it started to hail. Tiny, sharp balls of ice bounced off my face, which was already itchy and sore from my rubber band beard. Maybe the universe was trying to tell me something.

I tugged the hood of my parka up so that I could avoid as much of the hail as possible, and I wrapped my thick woolen scarf around my face for warmth.

Even though the coffeehouse was closed, bright and colorful lights inside Agenda illuminated the interior to passers-by. I leaned up against a frozen bike rack and watched the people inside.

Cole was laughing and holding a sign covered with glittering letters. JIMMYMAS. As he picked it up off the table, a shower of glitter fell like snow to the floor. Maya’s mouth moved, and she must have said something funny. Both Cole and Dean laughed, while Seth shook his head wearily.

As I lingered outside Agenda, I realized that at best, I must have looked like the saddest Santa alive. I probably looked creepy or pathetic. I just wanted to watch them a little longer.

I loved seeing Cole like this. Happy. Laughing. His smile warmed me, even in the worsening hailstorm.

See? that bitter voice in the fact of my head said. He’s happy without you.

Technically, if I did knock on the door to Agenda, I would be doing so because of Maya’s request. It wasn’t because Cole had told me to come ‘if I wanted’.

In my experience, people rarely if ever said what they meant. People said what they thought other people wanted to hear. If Cole had asked me to come over, or if he told me he wanted me there, then maybe things would be different. But he’d extended nothing but a polite invitation. Maya seemed more excited to see me than he did — and I bet she was just being polite too.

The longer I stood on the street, peering inside Agenda like an outsider, the angrier the hail became. It wasn’t until Maya glanced up and nearly met my eyes through the window that I finally forced my feet to move on and help me find some shelter. They did so reluctantly.

This season was messing with my head. How was I supposed to keep my thoughts in order when every new thought stressed me out?

I tucked my head down to avoid the elements and kept on walking. I still wasn’t heading home. I didn’t know where I was going. I was just walking, trying to clear my head.

My instincts — Run! Hide! Avoid drama at all costs! — battled with my heartstrings. Brian’s words kept going through my head. He’d told me I needed to talk to Cole. Talal also said I needed to talk to Cole. Aside from the folks at Agenda, those two made up the entirety of my friends, and even though they were as different as two men could be, they were both telling me to do the same thing.

But I had never been good at doing what I was told. 

I found myself stumbling into the nearest coffee shop that wasn’t Agenda. I ordered myself a gingerbread latte, which turned out to be a bad choice. When the spicy cinnamon steam hit my nose, all I could think about was my first real date with Cole. My first real boyfriend.

I didn’t want it to end. If not talking to him could keep it going a little longer, give me a little more time to pretend I had a chance, I was okay with that.

I closed my eyes and inhaled the sweet memories. What would have happened if I hadn’t stood outside Agenda in the hail? What would have happened had I gone inside? It would have been more fun than this, that was for sure. Even if things had gone poorly with Cole, I would have enjoyed spending time with Maya, Seth, and Dean.

But I had let my fear get the best of me, and now I was going to spend ‘Jimmymas’ with junk food and a movie marathon just like last year. Christmas had its yuletide traditions… Well, Jimmymas had traditions too. It just happened that my traditions were shit.