Chapter Three

Jimmy

 

By the time I got home, I was in a daze. I vetoed public transport in favor of walking downtown to my apartment. When I arrived, my hands were freezing even under my gloves, and my nose was running like a faucet. It was almost cold enough to distract me from thinking about Cole. Almost.

It wasn’t much better inside, although my roommate had not only turned our small space heater on, he had left the oven door open to pour out extra heat. I crouched in front of it, warming my hands.

“How was work, Jimbo?” asked Brian. I turned to look at him, where he was sitting in front of the TV, Xbox controller in hand. He was still clad in the flannel pajamas he was wearing when I left for work.

“Work was good,” I said. I never bothered talking details with Brian. I doubted he cared. We were just roommates, not friends. We liked each other well enough, but we had nothing in common. He didn’t even know I was gay.

Brian talked to me when he was bored, and even though I didn’t know what to say, I tried to keep the conversation going. “How was college today?” I asked.

He yawned. “Nah, man. I didn’t go. It was too cold for learning today.”

I wasn’t sure how Brian stayed in school, seeing as he never seemed to make it to class. He might have been a slacker more concerned with getting laid than getting his qualifications, but I had the inkling he was smarter than he liked to let on. He never worried about grades.

“It’s not too bad if you keep moving,” I said. “I just walked home from Bent Street.”

Brian chuckled and shook his head. “You’re a madman.”

“You’ve never been inside MerryMart. It’s like a sauna.”

“Maybe I should come around sometime. We should get some Christmas cheer for this place.” He gestured around.

There was little cheer of any kind in our apartment. It was a nice enough place, aside from the lack of insulation and the rusty plumbing. At least it was spacious and well-lit on a nice day.

“Are you sure you can make it out of bed and all the way across town to MerryMart in the cold?”

“True. You should pick up some stuff for us when you’re at work.”

I cringed. I earned my money from that place; I didn’t want to give it back to them. “You can get decorations way cheaper at a 99c store.”

Brian raised his eyebrows at me. “Does your boss know you’re a terrible salesman?”

“I’m not a salesman,” I said. “I’m Santa.”

Brian looked me up and down. “Dude, you must suck at being Santa. You’re not jolly at all.”

I rolled my eyes at him. It was hard to tell if Brian was teasing me or if he was being rude. His personality screamed frat bro. I was always on edge and alert around him, even though he’d given me no reason to suspect him of being a jerk. Still, I’d never mentioned that I was gay. His was the name on the lease.

I shrugged and got to my feet. The oven was starting to roast me. I was warm enough now that I didn’t feel like I was on the brink of hypothermia, but I still needed to have a scalding hot shower and change into some clothes that hadn’t been rained on.

For Brian, our place was a five-minute walk from Portland State University. I’d never gone to college myself. The location of this apartment had been ideal for my last job — not so great for this one. But things were stable enough with Brian that I planned to continue this living arrangement indefinitely.

Brian was as straight as a ruler. I wished I had more queer friends, but the only gay people I met were men to hook up with. I envied people involved in the so-called ‘queer community’ — the community I thought I might have seen a glimpse of at Agenda. But Agenda was off limits, now I knew Cole worked there.

I checked my phone, wondering if maybe Cole had sent me a message or tried to call during my long walk home.

Nothing. The only notification on my phone was a spam email from a newsletter I’d been meaning to unsubscribe to for years.

“Are you waiting for a message?” asked Brian, smirking.

“No.” I put my phone down. “Nothing like that.”

He waggled his eyebrows at me like he didn’t believe a word I was saying.

 

***

 

I had a restless sleep. I went to bed early, exhausted from work, but the cold kept waking me up. I couldn’t sleep solidly for more than twenty minutes. Every time I roused, I couldn’t help myself from reaching for my phone, just to see if I had a message from Cole. I should have known there was no chance. He was probably just being polite when he said he’d call. Still, my dreams tormented me with the memory of him sitting on my lap. Why would he have sidled up so close if he hadn’t been flirting?

I couldn’t deny my attraction to Cole. When the pair of us had been screwing around, I dreamed secretly of our relationship turning into something deeper. But things ended, and I got over it.

So why did the bastard have to get my hopes up now? I hated mind games. Why had he chased me down? What kind of customer service was that?

I wished people would be upfront with me.

After the fourth time I woke up shivering, I managed to get out of bed to raid my closet for every piece of warm clothing I owned. I grabbed my sleeping bag, snuggled down in that as well, and buried my face under my wooly blankets. Surely this would be warm enough for sleep.

It was for a time.

Until Brian woke me up — or rather, Brian’s girl of the night woke me up. I could hardly blame him for wanting the body heat, but for god’s sake, it was one in the morning.

The girl in the room next door gasped and moaned loudly. I groaned and reached for my phone again.

My heart swooped up when I saw the little icon signifying a new text message.

Happy holidays! For just 29.99 for the whole month of November, you can get UNLIMITED free calls nationwide. We’re here to help you connect with loved ones this holiday season!

Damn phone service providers. Always a letdown. That definitely wasn’t a deal I was about to take. I had no one to call.

I hated the holidays. They seemed to exist solely to rub my loneliness in my face. I was the most Grinch-like Santa Claus they could have hired at MerryMart, but there were reasons for that: I was an expert at faking a smile.

I turned on my favorite pop punk music review podcast and turned the volume up loud to drown out the satisfied moans of the girl in Brian’s room. I wasn’t sure what sort of man he was, but judging from the sounds that came out of his room almost every night, I knew he was a good lover.

I wished someone could make me moan like that.

As if they knew I was trying to drown out their sexcapades, the sound of the bed creaking behind the thin wall that separated mine and Brian’s room got even louder, and the girl started squeaking like a chihuahua.

It was times like this I knew I was as gay as a float in a pride parade. I vastly preferred the sounds men made in bed. Inevitably, I couldn’t stop thinking about the sound Cole made when I sunk into him, and-

For god’s sake, Jimmy. Stop thinking about Cole.

 

***

 

Like always, I woke up before Brian. Still no messages from Cole, but what could you expect at six thirty in the morning? What could you expect from Cole?

When I went out into the kitchen to find something for breakfast before work, still dressed up like a marshmallow in all my layers of makeshift-pajamas, I was surprised to find his girl-of-the-night in the kitchen too.

She wasn’t dressed like Brian’s usual hookups. She had dark skin and dark hair, and she was dressed in a smart business suit. I didn’t mean to be judgemental, but I had definitely noticed that Brian’s type tended toward blonde coeds, not smart-looking businesswomen. Maybe he was maturing.

“Hey,” I mumbled as I shuffled into the kitchen.

She shrieked and jumped almost into the air, spilling her cornflakes. “Who the hell are you?” she said accusingly.

I sighed and massaged my temples. This wasn’t the first time Brian had neglected to mention that he had a roommate.

“I’m Jimmy, the roommate.”

Her expression of shock was replaced by an outright cringe. “Oh my god. Then you- Oh god, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” I shrugged.

“I swear, he didn’t tell me he had a roommate, or I would have kept it down.”

“It’s alright,” I said. I offered a sympathetic smile. “Living with Brian, you get used to it. When he’s got a boner, he forgets I exist.”

“I did think he seemed experienced.” To my surprise, she laughed.

I shuffled past her to grab a skillet from under the sink. “If you don’t want stale cornflakes, I’m about to fry some eggs.”

“A hot breakfast? If you’re offering, I’m not going to say no.” She beamed and tossed her hair.

“I’m offering,” I assured her. It wasn’t the first time I’d fed one of Brian’s dates. I liked to make sure that, no matter how they felt after their hookup, they knew they weren’t going to be judged by me.

“Then hell yes, I would love some eggs.”

This girl had a calming presence about her. She exuded confidence that I could only envy. I set about sorting the ingredients. I was thinking of putting lots of cheese with my eggs, although to my disappointment, Brian had finished our bacon yesterday.

“I don’t think I got your name,” I said.

“Oh, right,” she said. She held out her hand for me to shake. “I’m Maya.”

“Nice to meet you, Maya,” I said.

“Nice to meet you too… Jimmy, was it?”

“Jimmy,” I confirmed. My birth name had been James, but I’d ditched it for a nickname as soon as I could.

I sizzled the eggs in the frying pan with milk and cheese until they were creamy and fluffy. I added some basil for that extra touch of class and flavor. I didn’t love cooking, but if I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t eat. Breakfast was the meal that fuelled me for the rest of the day. I needed to make it filling.

I piled two full plates and took them to the sofa where Maya was sitting and waiting for me. We weren’t the eating-at-a-table kind in this apartment.

Maya took a bite of the eggs and moaned, a sound that was uncomfortably familiar to me after last night. “These are so good,” she mumbled with her mouth full.

I took a bite. I’d done a pretty good job on these eggs if I did say so myself. The cheese offered a sweet tang, and the basil danced on my tongue with a savory flourish.

“So why are you up so early?” asked Maya. “I thought students slept in.”

“I’m not a student. I’m a Santa Claus.”

Maya burst out a laugh, then clamped her hand over her mouth. “Oh, god. I’m sorry. I just wouldn’t have pegged you for that kind of job.”

“I take a lot of jobs,” I explained. “What do you do?”

“A bit of this and that. So, where are you Santa-ing? Maybe I could pop by and see you.”

She was being friendly, awkwardly friendly, and I hoped that my offer of breakfast after her night of debauchery and oxytocin wasn’t making her develop a crush on me. Girls were more likely to crush on me than men were, which was obviously not ideal, considering my sexuality.

But I didn’t know what to say to dissuade her, so I answered her question honestly. When in doubt, my mouth opened and the truth seemed to just fall out. Another reason I didn’t date much or have many friends. Hookups didn’t mind if you were brutally honest, but from what I’d heard, relationships required more tact. “There’s this Christmas pop up store called MerryMart,” I said. “I’m working there, but my job is mostly to take pictures with snotty kids.”

And, apparently, I also took pictures with cute baristas I still had a thing for.

“Oh, I know that place,” said Maya. “It’s just down the road from Agenda, right?”

“Agenda, the gay coffee shop?” I said, vaguely surprised she was mentioning it.

“It’s not a gay coffee shop,” said Maya firmly. “It’s an LGBTQIA+ coffee shop.”

“Right,” I said. “Sorry.” Was Maya a part of that rainbow?

“Have you been there yet?”

“I went there yesterday, but not for long.” Had she picked up that I was part of that rainbow?

“Isn’t it great? My friends own the place.”

“You’re friends with Seth?” I asked.

She nodded. “His partner is my roommate, so trust me when I say, I feel your pain from last night. Those two are...” She coughed and winced again. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.” I smiled sincerely. “At least you had a good time.”

She laughed. “Sometimes you need a good pounding, you know?”

I did know. I was in that situation myself, but I was too busy and too tired from being Santa Claus to bother. I only got one day off every ten days, and I used that time to sleep and avoid people.

I checked my phone for a message from Cole. No luck.

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s happening for me,” I said.

“You’re waiting for a guy to text, huh?”

I looked at her, eyes wide. “Who told you I was into guys?”

“Oh,” she said. “I didn’t mean to assume-”

“It’s true, but- Am I that obvious?”

“I’m bi.” She shrugged. “I have a nose for these things.”

“Are you at Agenda a lot?” I asked.

“It’s my home away from home,” she said. “I helped them open it. Believe me, that was a drama and a half.”

I chuckled. “People say a lot of good things about that place. Is it all true?”

“I’m biased,” she said with a smirk. “But yes. Agenda is the best. It’s there for the whole community, you know. We don’t want to be just a haven for cisgender white gay men; we want everyone to be welcome.” She looked me up and down. “Not that cisgender white gay men aren’t welcome. But we’re there for everyone.”

I couldn’t help but smile. That sounded… It sounded perfect, actually. I wished I could go. But with Cole working there? Not a chance.

Now I was extra annoyed that he hadn’t texted me. The way Maya was talking about Agenda, it felt like she was offering me a sense of community, and thanks to Cole, I wasn’t allowed it.

He ruined everything.