Chapter Fourteen

Cole

 

“Hey, Cole,” said Maya, jerking me out of a spirited conversation with Seth about the drinks we were making on Jimmymas day. “I think I just saw Jimmy walk past in his Santa suit.”

“He just walked past?” My heart dropped.

“I thought he was coming here after work,” said Seth. His brow furrowed, auburn eyebrows sloping down in concern.

“I guess he decided to go home,” said Maya, but her voice was tentative, and her eyes upon me were sympathetic. “He’s been working really hard lately. He’s probably tired.”

“No.” I shook my head. “He lives in the other direction.”

Seth murmured something to Dean that I couldn’t hear. Dean nodded solemnly. I didn’t know what they were talking about, but I figured it was nothing good.

“Maybe you should follow him,” suggested Maya.

“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea,” said Dean.

“What are you talking about? It’s my idea.” Maya grinned. “I’m great with ideas.”

“He could be avoiding us for a reason. I mean, it’s his choice-”

“He’s miserable, and he’s, what, nineteen?”

“Twenty,” I said. Same as me.

“Look me in the eye, Dean, and tell me that any queer twenty-year-old with no family and, as far as we can tell, no real friends, could possibly want to spend Christmas — which also happens to be their twenty-first birthday — alone. Hell, I don’t want to spend the 25th alone, and I don’t even celebrate the damn holiday.”

Maya was something else when she got angry. Just underneath that bright and bubbly surface, righteous anger simmered.

Dean stiffened. “Not everyone likes the same things you do, Maya. Some people appreciate being alone.”

“I know, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on here-”

“I’m going to go look for him,” I said. I needed to find Jimmy, needed to talk to him, needed to find out what was going on. Jimmy had always been an introvert, but this wasn’t like him. Maybe he wanted to be alone, but maybe he didn’t. I would listen to whatever he said, but I had to hear it from him.

“Do you think that’s a good idea?” asked Dean.

“I don’t know, but it’s the only idea I have.”

I needed Jimmy to know that if he wanted to stay away because of his own issues, that was fine, but if he was staying away because of me… I couldn’t let him do that. After everything he’d been through, I couldn’t be the reason he got hurt again.

“Go get ‘im,” said Seth with a smile.

“Should one of you come with me?” I asked. How was I supposed to do this? Jimmy was my first boyfriend. I had no idea how to tackle a serious discussion about our future.

“I think this might need to be a conversation you handle alone. You two have a lot to talk about,” said Seth.

“Too many people could intimidate him,” said Dean.

I nodded. “Good point.”

“We’re here to welcome him with open arms if he wants to come back to Agenda, though,” said Seth.

“And we’re here to comfort you if he doesn’t,” added Maya.

I rubbed my hands over my arms and twisted my fingers together. “What do I do?”

“Talk to him like a friend,” said Seth. “You’ve had serious conversations with your friends before. This shouldn’t be any different.”

“But he’s more than a friend.”

“So what?” said Maya. “The best relationships are built on friendship. Or so I hear, anyway.” She scowled.

I sighed and pulled on my thick coat, readying myself to go out there. They were right, of course. But I was scared.

I might have acted self-assured, but I wasn’t used to rejection. If Jimmy dumped me, I didn’t know how I’d take it. The guys wanted him to come back to Agenda, and I wanted him to have friends on Jimmymas, no matter the cost, but the thought of losing him ripped a hole in my chest.

Beanie snugly on my head, thick scarf wrapped around my neck, and coat secured, I went outside.

Hail was beating down the street. Even through all my layers, it felt as though God himself was firing a tiny nail gun at me.

I ducked my head to shelter from the elements. I had no idea where Jimmy could have gone. When Maya saw him he had been walking left down Bent Street, but he could be anywhere by now.

At least I knew he was dressed up as Santa. That would make him stand out in this sea of navy blue, black, and khaki coats.

I took a breath and slowed down so I didn’t slip on the icy ground. I knew Jimmy. I could work out where he went.

I figured that he had been meaning to come into Agenda. Why else would he have walked past? Maybe it was self-centered of me to assume he was thinking about us, but there was no other reason for him to hang around town after work.

No one would willingly stay outside in this weather. He must have ducked in somewhere else. By this time of the evening, most places had closed down already, which meant I had a smaller pool of options.

I let the crowd jostle me as I peeked into the wide windows of shops on Bent Street.

“Jimmy?” I yelled. The rain caught my voice before it could travel far, and my call died, trampled in a puddle by muddy boots.

The thought of losing Jimmy made me feel like I’d swallowed an angry wasp, and it was stinging its way through my intestines. I cared about him. I cared so much that even if he had to break my heart a thousand times to be happy, I would be glad for him. Jimmy was a sweet person, a gentle person, a broken and lonely person who needed nothing more than people who loved him.

He was only avoiding his chance at that because he was avoiding me.

I was nowhere near giving up when I spotted Santa drinking a latte through the window of a coffee shop. I froze. Jimmy wasn’t wearing his beard or his Santa hat — he was wearing a black beanie, and his face was grazed with dark stubble — but he was still wearing the suit, big rubber belly and all.

I never thought Santa Claus could make my pulse race. The prickle of hail on my skin faded to nothing as I stared at Jimmy. All I could feel was affection. All-consuming, heart-stopping affection for him.

Heart pounding, I practically ran for the door.

A long queue of customers stood between me and Jimmy. I weaved my way through them, shrugging off the dirty looks I got for not waiting or ordering anything for myself.

I didn’t care. I needed to get to Jimmy.

He didn’t notice me until I was right in front of him. I braced myself, grounding my feet into the floor. The temptation to run away before he saw me was strong and compulsive. I hated conflict. But if I wanted a shot with Jimmy, I had to put those feelings aside. We needed to talk. I was done with avoiding things.

“We serve better coffee at Agenda,” I said.

Jimmy looked up at me, his startling blue eyes wide and his tender lips slightly parted in shock. I wished I could push that lock of damp hair off his forehead, press a kiss to his pale skin where it had been.

“Why are you here?” he said harshly.

I gulped. “Because I’m tired of you avoiding me.”

“I’m just making your job easier,” he muttered.

“My job?” I lowered myself into the chair opposite Jimmy without waiting for his invitation. “What are you talking about?”

“This whole conversation. We don’t need to have it. I get it.”

“Jimmy Abbott. You don’t get anything.”

“You’re going to break up with me, right?”

I scowled. “Wrong.”

The hard lines of his expression softened and furrowed in confusion. “What’s going on then?”

I wanted to reach out and take his hand, soothe him. “Are you okay?”

His brow furrowed. “Aren’t you mad at me?”

Why would I be mad at him? “So you’re not okay.”

He shrugged.

“Why didn’t you come to Agenda?” I asked gently. “Everyone wants you there.”

“I didn’t want to annoy anyone.”

I was totally bewildered. “But you don’t annoy anyone.”

He shook his head. “I annoy you.”

“Why would you think that?” This conversation was getting more and more confusing. Whatever Jimmy thought I had hinted, he was wrong.

“You don’t have to be all sensitive,” he said. “I know you just want to be friends.”

“Jimmy, no offense, but you’re a fucking idiot.”

A shadow of a smile crossed his lips, but it didn’t meet his sad eyes. “I am?”

“Yes. I don’t want to break up with you. Unless you want to break up with me?”

Now it was his turn to look confused. “Why would I want to break up with you?”

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Oh.” His Adam’s apple bobbed nervously.

“You get along really well with everyone at Agenda,” I said. I had to spit this out. I had to be blunt and honest, no skirting around the issues. My friends had made that clear. “You were so happy that night at Dean’s. And I thought- I mean- I wanted to talk to you about- I thought that you should have the choice to choose them over me.”

“They’re your friends.”

“They can be your friends too. I don’t want you to feel like you will lose them if we broke up.”

“But they like you more than they like me.”

“They know me more than they know you,” I said. “But they want to change that. You’re too hard on yourself, Jimmy. I can guarantee that no one else judges you as much as yourself.”

He chuckled bitterly. “Yeah, okay.”

“What do you mean?”

“You wouldn’t get it.”

“Just talk to me.” I was getting exasperated.

“Okay, I’ll talk.” He took a deep breath. “You can’t get it, Cole. You don’t know what it’s like to be abandoned. You don’t know what it’s like for nobody to ever choose you!”

Jimmy had finally reached his tipping point. He’d talked to me about his family before, but he’d always been stoic. I’d never seen him like this, blinking back tears of rage. It crushed me to see him in so much pain.

“Can I sit?” I asked quietly.

“Go ahead.” He shrugged.

I dropped into a seat and reached across the table to take Jimmy’s hand, but he flinched away and wound his fingers together.

“Sorry,” I said.

He shook his head sadly. “I hate this time of year.”

“This is about more than me and Agenda, isn’t it?”

“I can’t help it. I’m messed up, Cole.”

“You’re not messed up. Your family didn’t treat you right. That’s not your fault.”

His voice shook. “I can’t work out if I’m scared that they’ll try to get in touch on my birthday, or if I’m scared they won’t.”

“Oh.” He was right. I couldn’t understand how bad that must have felt. “That sucks.”

“They act like I gave them an ultimatum, but I never did.” It was all coming out now. “I swear. I never told them it was me or their God. They were the ones who gave me the choice between my family and my sexuality, and I chose… I chose wrong.”

The look on his face was enough to break my heart. “How could choosing to be yourself ever be the wrong choice?”

“If I’d let them win, I could have gone to college. I could have made them proud. Now, look at me.” He scoffed. “I’m an unemployed Santa Claus.”

I wanted to tell Jimmy that he had lost nothing — exactly how much his parents were worth. But that wouldn’t help him feel any better.

Jimmy kept talking. “I have no parents, no friends, no boyfriend, and no job. But hey, at least I’m out of the closet, right?” He laughed bitterly.

“First of all, you do have a boyfriend,” I said. “If you want to keep me around, anyway.”

He blinked at me, confused. “But I thought you just wanted to be friends.”

“Jimmy, I never said that! I keep telling you the opposite, but you won’t listen.” I was sympathetic, but he was starting to grind on my nerves. Why couldn’t he see how much I cared for him?

He swallowed hard. “You still want to be my boyfriend? Even after this… The way I’ve been avoiding you.”

“Of course I want to be your boyfriend.” If I wanted a chance with Jimmy — and I desperately did — I had to put everything out there. “I ruined things between us last year, and up until six weeks ago, I never thought I’d get a second chance. Sure, it might get messy if we break up. But I’m willing to risk that. I want to be with you, Jimmy. I think things could be wonderful between us.” I spoke quickly barely stopping to take a breath. It was hard to get the words out. “It’s up to you.”

He didn’t respond for a long time. He stared at his coffee cup. His silence didn’t last long — only a few seconds — but it was the longest few seconds of my life. Every loud pump of my heart was like an earthquake, rumbling on forever.

“Your friends… Really want to be my friends too?” He was so vulnerable. Fragile.

“Yes. Come back with me, and you can ask them yourself. You can forget about your dumb family.”

“I can’t.” Jimmy’s voice was hoarse. “I wish I could, but- I can’t.”

“I know there’s no way for me to understand what you’re going through,” I said. “I get that now. But Seth and Zane want Agenda to be like a family, and you’re welcome to be a part of that.”

“I’m scared,” said Jimmy.

“Of what?”

He sighed, and when he met my eyes, his were filled with tears. “It would have cost my parents absolutely nothing to love me, Cole. And your friends aren’t even related to me. They have no reason to keep me around.”

“The difference is that my friends are good people, and your parents are the human equivalent of literal rotten garbage.”

He laughed. “You’re not wrong.” Those distinctive scarlet patches of blush re-appeared on his cheeks. “And you… You actually want to be with me? For real?”

“I want to be with you more than I’ve ever wanted anything. I think I’m falling in love with you, Jimmy.”

It was an early bloom of love, but it was love nonetheless. I couldn’t help but smile every time I thought about Jimmy. I wanted to be around him. I couldn’t save him from his demons, but if he let me, I wanted to stand by his side and show him that the world could be a good, safe place for both of us. I was falling so hard I was only inches from the ground. It was up to Jimmy whether I landed on a bed of nails or a carpet of marshmallow.

I waited with bated breath for his response, but it never came.

“Please come back to Agenda,” I urged. “It’s Jimmymas Eve-eve. You have to be there. You’re the reason for the season, right?”

That garnered an earnest chuckle. He swiped his tears away with the back of his hand and nodded. I deflated with relief.

“Okay,” he said. He ducked his face away from me, but not before I saw it light up with happiness.

 

***

 

As I’d promised, everyone at Agenda greeted Jimmy warmly and immediately invited him into the fold. Without missing a beat, he was included in our inside jokes (plenty of which featured his Santa costume). My heart swooped every time I heard his distinctive chuckle amid our raucous laughter.

I was pinning a sign to the window when Jimmy’s arms settled around my waist. I leaned into him happily. That extra Santa padding made for a good cushion.

“Do you want to come back to my place?” he murmured in my ear.

“Your place?” I was shocked. He never invited me to his place.

“My roommate’s not going to be there. We have the whole place to ourselves.”

“Very tempting,” I murmured back. “But I thought you told me your place was freezing.”

“I can think of a few ways we could warm it up.” His lips were featherlight on the back of my neck, and they sent shivers directly to my groin. I hadn’t had Jimmy naked and spread-eagle underneath me for far too long, and now that he brought it up… I was eager to consummate our reconciliation.

“The whole place to ourselves,” he murmured again, his voice teasing. “That means we can do it anywhere…”

“You’re bad,” I told him. He was starting to rouse my dormant cock.

“Do bad boys get Cole in their stockings?”

I stared at him in disbelief. He giggled at his own pun and clamped his hands over his mouth.

“That was terrible,” I told him with a laugh.

“What did Jimmy say?” asked Maya.

“I’m not repeating it!” I blushed despite myself.

“Do you two need to get a room?” asked Dean.

Seth sighed goodnaturedly. “The three of us have it covered here. We’re basically done. Go make up, you crazy kids.”

 

***

 

I couldn’t wait to get my hands on Jimmy. I barely managed to keep it in my pants in the Uber ride home. He slammed me against the wall the moment we got into his apartment.

“What’s gotten into you?” I asked through laughter as his stubble tickled my throat.

“I want to make up for all that time I lost being stupid and avoiding you.”

And make up for it he did. The next thing I knew, he was dropping to his knees and unbuckling my belt. I was instantly rock hard for him (not that I hadn’t been nursing a semi on the ride home anyway).

The sensation when his mouth closed around the tip of my cock was pure heaven. The room might have been cold, but his breath was warm, and his tongue was hot. I could get used to this.

And for that matter, so was that look he was giving me while he sucked on the tip of my cock, cheeks caved in, giving him even sharper angles. Only his eyes were soft and round. Just like his ass.

“I never thought I’d get a blowjob from Santa,” I said.

“Happy holidays,” he said breathlessly.

Before I realized what he was doing, he rose to his feet again. His fist closed around my cock, and he furiously jerked me off while his lips found mine. Having his whole body pressed against me made it impossible to move. His mouth crushed me in place.

We weren’t going to stop at blowjobs tonight. I wanted to feel him inside me, and judging from the way he was pushing me around, I thought he might have wanted the same thing.

We clumsily made our way from the wall next to the front door over to the sofa. My jeans were tangled around my feet, and I kicked them off along my way. He pushed me, breathless, on my back and lavished me with fervent kisses.

I struggled upright to try and give back as much as I was getting, but Jimmy kissed me with such force I fell onto my back again.

“I’m trying out this new confidence thing I’ve heard about,” he said. “Let me take control.”

His words were just about the sexiest thing I’d ever heard. My eyes full-on rolled back into my head, and I let out a pathetic whimper as I rutted my naked hips against him. Who would have thought I would spend my holiday season humping Santa?

I was impossibly aroused, but I needed that ridiculous costume off, stat. Jimmy needed to be naked. I needed to be naked with him.

“Take your clothes off,” I gasped, tugging my own shirt off. I knew that it must have been cold because my voice came out with a puff of mist, but I felt nothing but fire through every cell in my body.

Jimmy obliged. He unbuckled his big black belt. His red and white pants immediately fell off his hips and pooled slack on the ground. He slipped off his velvet jacket and tore off his undergarments, and there he was, naked in front of me. 

He was so beautiful that if I hadn’t been sitting down, my knees might have buckled. Every muscle in my body was tense, waiting for sweet sweet release.

I stifled a moan as Jimmy pushed me onto my back and spread my legs apart. It was like he finally knew what he wanted, and he was going to make sure he got it. It was impossibly hot.

“What are you doing?” I gasped as he trailed kisses down my stomach, his lips a breath from my sensitive cock. It felt so good; impossibly good.

He pressed the flat of his tongue against the root of my erection and swept it up slowly, his mouth wet and warm and making me squirm. We had done this before, of course, but I had never experienced Jimmy so unrestrained. I enjoyed this side of him.

Jimmy hummed on my dick, shooting vibrations through me and making me twitch and convulse. I couldn’t bear how good this man was with his mouth.

And then his tongue swept lower. His mouth closed around my balls, and he sucked gently in a way that made my toes curl.

Lower, still.

And then his tongue was swirling around my hole, getting me wet and ready. The whole world around me melted away, save for the sensation of Jimmy’s tongue on my ass.

“Are you ready?” he murmured, surfacing. He probed my hole with a lube-covered finger, and I gasped at the sudden intrusion.

“A little more of that first,” I said. I didn’t bottom often. I needed a warm up when I was going to get my ass taken to pound town. Jimmy slowly eased his finger in and out of me, ever so softly brushing my prostate and making it impossible to do anything but arch my back and moan.

“You’re so responsive,” he said with a soft smile.

“My ass is very sensitive,” I retorted.

He curled his finger, and I let out a garbled cross between a gasp and a moan.

“I see that,” he murmured.

All this teasing and probing with his tongue and his fingers was fun, but what I needed now was a big fat cock inside me. If Jimmy kept teasing me like this, I was going to pass out from sheer horniness. I needed to get fucked, and I needed it now.

“Please fuck me,” I whimpered.

Jimmy’s eyes widened. “Now?”

“Please.”

Jimmy withdrew his fingers and quickly fumbled for a condom in his pants pocket on the floor. In the absence of his touch, I couldn’t help but reach for my own swollen cock and start pumping it.

Jimmy snatched my hand away, and I whined.

But then I was whining for a whole other reason. Instead of his slender fingers against my hole, it was now his cock that he lined up between my legs. It was thicker, firmer, than his fingers, but it was also softer somehow. The skin there was willing to yield to my body, to become a part of me. His cock pushed into me, unmistakably sheathed in latex and slippery with lube.

The sheer amount of sensation made me gasp. His eyes bulged as he sunk into me, breaking through that muscle band of resistance and filling me with a forceful wave of lust. I was frozen, bearing the slight pain that came from being penetrated in eager exchange for the pleasure when my body relaxed. I took him completely.

When he was balls-deep inside me, Jimmy froze to let me adjust to the fullness. He held himself up with his arms, his forehead damp with early beads of sweat.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

I nodded and groaned my appreciation. “Move,” I ordered him.

He pumped his hips slowly at first, then more rapidly as I dug my nails into the flesh of his ass and tugged him towards me. I thrust erratically up toward him. I wanted him as deep inside me as possible. I wanted to squeeze every last drop of pleasure out of his dick. His balls slapped against my own as he maneuvered his body into the best angle.

I bit my lip as he picked up pace yet again.

“Fuck yes,” he groaned. His eyes glittered with anticipation. Sweat was clinging to all his muscles as he pumped hard and fast into me like a jackhammer. Moisture glistened on his biceps.

The way his cock was angled was in such a way that there was no way for him to fuck me without brushing over my prostate over and over and over again, taking me to unbelievable heights of pleasure. I felt like a kettle on the stovetop, about to start screaming.

My orgasm was approaching, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Furthermore, I didn’t want to. This was going to be a good one.

“Fuck-” groaned Jimmy. “I’m gonna- Oh, fuck, Cole!”

His body quaked as his cock stiffened inside me, and he pumped furiously, his eyes wild as his orgasm stuttered out of him and into me.

And then I was coming too. It was as though my body had been taken over by static. All I could feel was white noise. All I could see was fireworks.

I didn’t know how long I spent coming, but by the end of it, Jimmy was slumped on top of me, hot and sweaty.

“Oh my god,” he groaned. “Fuck, that was good.”

I murmured my appreciation as another little aftershock of bliss wracked through me. He went to pull out, but I stopped him.

“Let me hold you for a bit,” I said. I wrapped my arms and legs around him so he couldn’t move.

He looked at me with bright eyes, a flushed face, and a goofy, satisfied grin. “Really?”

I kissed him hard on the mouth. “Stop second-guessing yourself. If I had it my way, I’d hold you forever.”

I worried I’d said too much, been too intense, but he just smiled warmly and nuzzled into my chest.