Chapter Four

Cole

 

As per usual on Tuesday nights, Agenda closed early. Seth and Zane always did something with their friends on Tuesdays. The first time I was invited, I almost had a heart attack from the excitement. I was in awe of them. Seth and Zane’s friends were all in their mid-to-late twenties while I had only reached my early twenties a couple of months ago. They were much too cool for me, and I had no idea why they kept me around.

“What’s on the agenda tonight, guys?” asked Seth, smiling at his own joke.

“I think we should talk about the holidays,” said Maya. Maya was Zane’s roommate. She was more enthusiastic than the Energizer bunny, and she had a love life that flailed more than that teenager in Jaws who got mauled by the shark.

“The holidays?” Dean spoke up from the sofa where he had been lying with his eyes closed. His face was skeptical. “Are we doing something for the holidays?”

Like me, Dean hadn’t been friends with this group for longer than Agenda had existed, but he fit in seamlessly.

“That’s the first question we need to ask,” said Maya.

“I think we should do something for the holidays,” said Seth. “It’ll be tricky, but-”

“But a lot your customers have trauma associated with Christmas,” Dean cut in. Dean didn’t mince words. He lived to fight for other people, no matter what toll it took on him. “Do we want to remind them of that? This is supposed to be a safe space.”

Dean made a good point, although personally, I would be disappointed if we did nothing for the holidays. A little tinsel couldn’t hurt, surely?

Dean must have seen the doubt cross my face. He set his jaw and looked at me. “Do you disagree, Cole?”

“I-”

Seth cleared his throat. “My idea is that we should have a non-denominational gathering here on December 25th. Dean’s right. A lot of people have issues associated with this season. But I don’t think any of those people will feel better sitting alone at home rather than here with their community.”

“I could get behind that,” I said. I knew Jimmy happened to be one of those people who usually spent Christmas sitting at home alone. The idea of getting him here and spending the day together made me lightheaded and giddy.

“But it won’t be Christmas?” clarified Maya.

“It won’t be Christmas,” said Zane. “I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.”

“Will we at least decorate?” I asked.

Seth and Zane exchanged a look.

“I don’t see why not,” said Seth.

“What do you think, Dean?” asked Zane.

Dean contorted his gruff, bearded face into a serious expression, thinking hard.

“What if we decorate, but we make it really gay?” said Maya before Dean could answer.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, I don’t want to take down any decorations we already have...” said Maya.

Year-round, Agenda brimmed with non-festive decorations. Art from local LGBT+ artists hung on the walls next to framed photos of the Stonewall riots. A crowded pinboard displayed polaroids of customers from Agenda’s opening day. My face was there, up in the left-hand corner, sticking out from behind a photo of an embracing lesbian couple. Every decoration here had been donated by someone who cared about the community.

The decor at Agenda had been Topher’s idea. Topher was Maya’s cousin, another of Zane’s flatmates and a part of this impossibly-cool inner circle of edgy queer millennials.

“We could, like, put fairy lights around the art,” she suggested.

“We could make some pride flags out of tinsel.”

“Hmm,” said Seth. “I like that idea. But where should we get our tinsel from, I wonder?” He fixed his eyes on me, and I could read his mind.

“Maybe someone could go to MerryMart?” suggested Zane, and now he was looking at me too.

“Am I missing something?” asked Dean.

“I’m lost too,” said Maya.

“Cole has a crush,” said Seth.

“There’s a guy?” Maya’s eyes widened. “We haven’t had any romance around here since Seth and Zane hooked up. Tell me more.”

I cringed. The thing was, it had been three days since Jimmy had told me ‘I still have the same number,’ and I hadn’t called him. I hadn’t even texted him. Now that I’d had some time to think about it, I realized how inappropriate I’d been.

He’d left Agenda in a hurry when he saw me. He clearly didn’t want to talk to me. So then what had I done? I’d chased him down sat on his lap with no invitation. What a dick move.

“Not really,” I told Maya. “There used to be a guy. And he bought a coffee here on Saturday. That’s it.”

“And then you ended up sitting on his lap,” Seth reminded me.

I was glad I had a tan. It made it less obvious when I blushed, and my face was absolutely burning right now. “He was working as Santa!” I protested. “It was the only way I could talk to him!”

“Ooh, a sexy Santa,” said Dean. “I’m intrigued.”

Everyone’s eyes were on me, and I felt like I had to say something. “I think I came on too strong,” I confessed.

“He left his coffee here,” said Seth. “You took him his coffee. How’s that coming on too strong?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know. He- It’s complicated.”

At that moment, the front door swung open, and Topher marched in.

“What’s complicated?” he asked. He took off his jacket and shook it out, sending sprinkles of water over the floor. He scanned his eyes around the room.

“Nothing’s complicated,” said Seth. “Cole here is coming up with excuses not to talk to a guy he likes.”

“You like a guy?” Topher took a seat next to me.

“We were talking about the 25th of December before you showed up,” I said, changing the subject.

Topher’s face darkened, and he shot a worried glance at Dean.

“We’re going to have a gathering,” explained Seth, “to bring the queer community together in solidarity on a day that’s not-so-jolly for a lot of us.”

“Orson’s not going be here,” said Topher. “I saw him earlier. His brother is visiting from Germany, so he’s going back to Boise for Christmas.”

“I’m sure he’ll be here in spirit,” said Seth.

“Everyone else is going to be here in body though, right?” said Dean tightly.

We all nodded our agreement. Maya’s family was Jewish, and Topher lived with them rather than his own bigoted parents, so neither of them were caught up with family obligations on the 25th. Zane’s family was out of the picture, while Seth’s mom was dead and his brothers were MIA. Dean stayed tight-lipped about his past, but I knew it wasn’t good.

My parents were always nice to me. I came out when I was fourteen, and they accepted me fully. I went to a liberal school where I barely got bullied, and when I was, the perpetrators were swiftly dealt with. I experienced some casual homophobia from strangers, but my family had always been there for me. It felt strange that I wouldn’t be celebrating this with them this Christmas.

Jimmy had opened up about his family to me during one of our post-coital cuddling sessions — the sessions we weren’t supposed to have, given our agreement about our purely sexual relationship. The things he’d told me about the way they treated him… It made me seethe with rage. 

“Are you okay, Cole?” said Zane. “You look lost in thought.”

“Me?” I said. “No, I’m fine.”

“You do seem lost in thought,” said Maya.

“He’s just dreaming about Santa Claus coming down his chimney,” said Dean with a wicked grin. He laughed at his own double entendre.

“Oh my god, don’t say it like that,” I said, burying my head in my hands.

Maya raised her eyebrows at me. “This Santa guy. He doesn’t happen to be named Jimmy, does he?”

I gaped at her. “You know Jimmy?”

“I slept with his roommate the other night-”

“So much for taking a break from dating,” said Topher.

“It wasn’t a date,” said Maya. “It was a one-night-stand. I never took a vow of celibacy, did I?”

“And Jimmy was there?” I asked, perhaps too eagerly.

“Not for the one night stand. I saw him the morning after. He made me eggs.”

“That sounds like Jimmy.” He always bent over backward to make sure that he was hospitable. He was the sort of guy who set up candles for casual sex. He even checked what music I liked before we hooked up so that he could make the perfect sex playlist.

“He’s cute,” said Maya.

“Yeah, but it’s complicated.”

“You keep saying that, but I don’t understand what’s so complicated,” said Seth. “From what you’ve told me, he’s an ex that you still have a thing for. There’s nothing complicated about that.”

“It doesn’t sound complicated, it just… It is complicated.”

“Feelings are always complicated,” said Zane.

“I came on too strong. And before we stopped seeing each other, we weren’t really seeing each other- It was like Maya and her boytoy from the other night.”

“Clearly it wasn’t,” said Maya. “Because I’m never seeing Brian again, and you still want to see Jimmy.”

“I don’t think he wants to see me,” I said. “He ran out of here in a hurry, and then I tracked him down, and I might have been weird, and-”

“Ah, young infatuation.” Seth exchanged a smile with Zane.

“He wants to see you,” said Maya firmly.

“You met him for, like, five minutes,” I protested.

“And during that five minutes, he checked his phone about ten times. He was waiting for a message. From a guy.”

“Who says that guy’s me?”

“Who says it isn’t?” said Seth.

“Have you messaged him?” said Maya. “That’s a good way to find out for sure.”

I confessed I hadn’t.

“It can’t hurt to try, can it?” said Dean.

“Sometimes it can,” said Topher darkly.

“I’m on team try-it,” said Maya. “Just send him a message. It doesn’t have to be a confession of love-”

“I don’t love him.” This time, I wasn’t protesting too much. I didn’t know Jimmy nearly enough to love him. I only knew him well enough that there was a chance I could. Someday.

“Exactly. Ask him out for a coffee. You can come here-”

“And have you nosy busybodies watching the whole time?” I teased. “No thanks, I don’t think this is a place I want to take any dates.”

“That’s fair,” said Seth with a shrug.

“Yeah, we are nosy busybodies,” said Maya.

“Speaking of nosiness,” said Dean. “Do you know who this Jimmy guy votes for?”

“I- I know he’s not a Republican?”

“Is he a communist? An anarchist?”

“Hey, we’re judging this guy on whether he’s well-matched for Cole,” said Topher tightly. “Not for you.”

“I want my friends to date good people,” said Dean. He glanced back from Topher to me. “If he’s antifa, you should definitely go for it, Cole.”

“I don’t know,” I said, slightly overwhelmed, partly from the intensity of the conversation about my romantic life, and partly from the fact that Dean had just called me his friend. Dean was one of the cool - intimidatingly so. Sure, he could be wild, and he had a passion for protest that had led him to a prison cell before. However, I couldn’t help but swoon a little at his nazi-punching antics. I didn’t think I could date someone that political, but there was fire in him I was happy to admire from afar.

“I’m not that into politics,” I said.

“Cole,” said Topher sternly. “You’re gay. Your existence is political.”

I winced. “Can we not talk about that? This is celebration season.”

“That’s when everyone talks about politics the most,” said Dean.

“We’ll stop talking about politics if you text Jimmy,” said Maya with a wide grin.

“But-”

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

“He could ignore me.” Like I’d ignored him for a year.

“If he ignores you, you’re in the same position you’re in now,” Zane pointed out. “And if he says yes…”

“You can try a whole range of positions,” said Seth.

“Alright, alright,” I conceded. “I’ll text him.”

Maya triumphantly high-fived Seth.

I typed out a message on my phone with trembling fingers. Thank god for autocorrect. I was making more typos than a cat walking over a keyboard.

 Hey, it’s Cole. Did that sound cool enough? Casual? I was wondering if you want to catch up sometime. No worries if you don’t.

“Does that sound okay?” I asked, reading it out loud.

“No,” said Dean. “You want to ask him out on a date, so ask him out on a date.”

“Otherwise he might just think it’s a booty text,” said Maya. “That’s not what you want, is it?”

“I mean, he was good in bed…”

“You are too young for me to be hearing about your sex life,” said Topher.

“Only because you’re an old man,” teased Maya.

“Who needs glasses,” Dean chimed in.

Topher glowered at him.

“Ask him if he wants to go out with you, not if he wants to catch up. That’s one word away from hook up.”

I edited the message. “Is it okay now?”

“Delete that last part,” said Zane. “It makes you seem insecure.”

“I am insecure,” I muttered, but I did as I was told. Despite all my protests, I was glad I had these guys guiding me.

“Okay,” I said, holding a trembling finger over the send button. “I’m gonna do it.”

“Do it, do it.” Maya started a chant, which Dean joined in on with laughter.

I hit the button, and my stomach just about dropped out as I watched the little bar speed across my screen.

Sending… Sending… Sent.

“Oh my god,” I said. A wide smile stretched across my face, and a manic laugh caught in my throat. “Oh my god, I can’t believe I did that. That’s the first time I’ve ever asked anyone out.”

“Aww,” said Maya. She grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me into a violet-scented hug. “Our little gayby is growing up.”

My phone vibrated with a message. I stared at it, anxious to pick it up.

“Come on,” said Dean. “The anticipation is killing us all.”

There was a murmur of agreement.

I picked up the phone, aware my hands were shaking. The message was small, simple, and it made my heart swell.

Sounds great!

If I had been alone, I might have squealed, but here all that happened was an unstoppable smile splitting my face in two.

“He said yes,” Maya announced to the group.

“He said yes,” I echoed. He said yes. I was going out on a real date with Jimmy Abbott.