CHAPTER 10

Are You a Foxy Lady or a Sam Girl?

 

 

I DIDN’T even want to go to the stupid meeting.

Stupid Ryan Fucking Foxheart.

He was such an asshole.

But I had to go.

Because it was my turn to bring muffins.

And I would never hear the end of it if I didn’t show when it was my turn to bring the muffins.

I stopped by the kitchen and picked up the basket Cook had prepared as I’d requested in secret. He never asked what it was for because at least he thought I was mysterious. I’m sure he thought I took the muffins to the Dark Woods and crumbled them over goat’s blood as I cast a spell that invited demons to suckle on my soul.

Or, he just didn’t care and made me food because he was Cook and that was his job.

Whatever.

So I mysteriously took the basket of poppy seed muffins and absconded from the castle. Once I was outside the gates, I pushed my way through the crowds into a narrow alleyway, looking back to make sure I wasn’t followed. The coast was clear.

I set down the basket and opened my rucksack. I pulled out a floppy brown wig and pulled it over my hair. The wig covered my forehead and ears, the hair curling out at the tips. There was a matching beard that covered most of my face and came down to the middle of my chest. And finally, a pair of thick-rimmed glasses.

Mervin had returned.

Yes, I could have probably easily altered my looks with magic. But I’d made a promise to Morgan early on not to use it for such frivolous things. And shaping magic could be dangerous. Addictive. Alterations here and there until you completely forgot what your original shape looked like. I never wanted to forget.

I went out of the alley at the opposite end and crossed three more blocks until I reached a café on the corner.

Look. I’d faced some pretty terrible things in my life. The Dark wizards. Fire geckos. An elf who had somehow thought we were meant to be and wanted to go through the elven rite of passage where during the act of consummation, he’d need to eat one of my fingers (No, Svenel, I don’t want to make love to you while you eat my thumb, you fucking asshole!). I’d been cursed, burned, stabbed, hexed, kicked, punched, and on one memorable occasion, had somehow ended up tied to a table while an ogre whipped my bare ass and grunted how pretty my reddened skin was (I knew I wasn’t a prude. Suck it, Gary!). Hell, just yesterday, I’d faced down a dragon.

But no matter where I’d been, no matter everything I’d seen, there was one opponent that rose above all others. An adversary so devious and cunning and bloodthirsty that she put all the others to shame.

Her eyes fell upon me from her seat at the head of the table outside the shop. The rest of the club was spread out around her like she was a queen and they were her subjects. Except she was more of a tyrant than anything else. One who had no scruples nor a kind bone in her body.

Her gaze grew calculating.

My hackles raised and I prepared for battle.

Lady Tina DeSilva.

The president of the Ryan Foxheart Fan Club Castle Lockes Chapter.

And my most mortal of enemies.

“Oh look, everyone. Mervin has arrived and he brought the muffins. If past experiences have any prescience as to what we can expect, then they’re sure to be as dry as his conversational skills.”

She was also sixteen years old.

And evil.

“Hello, Lady Tina,” I said. Mervin’s voice was lower than my own. I sounded ridiculous. “My, you’re looking… alive today. The color of your dress really brings out the extraordinary paleness of your skin tone. Are you unwell? Dying, perhaps?”

She tittered. “No, dear heart. I am actually quite well. I would ask the same of you, because you seem to have some bruises on your face and are holding yourself rather stiffly. Did someone take offense to one of your ever-present asinine meanderings? I should send them some flowers for doing what I’ve thought of for months.”

I laughed as I sat down at the opposite end of the table. “Ah, my sweet. Merely an accident of an inconsequential nature. Unlike, apparently, your makeup. Was it dark this morning when you applied it? Surely, that’s the only explanation, unless you’ve somehow obtained employment as a jester. But then, you’d actually need to have a sense of humor for that. Perhaps you’re applying to a brothel, then? I do hope your interview goes well. I’m sure you’ll do wonders on your back.”

The others (of which there were fourteen, ranging in ages from ten to fifty-two) looked back and forth between us with each verbal blow. They were used to it by now. This was, after all, the twenty-sixth meeting I had attended. It was almost mandatory that we cut each other to ribbons. If I was straight and Tina not the bitch from hell, one would assume we were almost flirting. But I was gay and Tina was the bitch from hell. We were not flirting.

She fluttered a silk folding fan across her face. “Oh, Mervin. The feelings I experience upon seeing your countenance is akin to what I understand dysentery to be like. Explosively so.”

I cocked my head at her. “I’m sorry. Were you just speaking to me? I apologize most profusely. I was distracted by the size of the sweat stains under your arms. Are you overly warm today? It seems unlikely given the cold, dead heart that surely beats in your chest.”

Her eyes narrowed. “You’re an asshole, Mervin.”

I snarled at her. “Bitch, I’ll cut you, bitch.”

We both smiled darkly at each other.

She fanned herself again.

I passed around the muffins. And fuck her. They weren’t dry.

She said, “And now that Mervin has finally stopped talking, the meeting of the Ryan Foxheart Fan Club Castle Lockes Chapter can commence. Deidre, if you could please read a summation of the last meeting. And be quick about it.”

A mousy girl of twelve years stood up and looked down at a piece of parchment paper in her hand. “Opening minutes,” she said. “President Tina noted that Mervin looked more flush than usual and wondered aloud if he’d just gotten fellated by a street whore in the back alley. Mervin responded that at least he would, and I quote, ‘be getting some’ unlike Tina who couldn’t even find a streetwalker to take her money. President Tina then stated she wouldn’t be surprised when Mervin came to the next meeting with mouth sores and an itching rash in the most private of places. Mervin replied that if that happened, he would just come to her for a solution since she obviously knew so much about itching rashes in private places. President Tina called him a ridiculous cockhound and Mervin said he had never hit a girl before, but that there was always a first time. Delores then handed out the blueberry muffins to which Mervin said he was allergic and President Tina tried to force-feed him three of them. The minutes of the previous meeting were read and then for the next four hours, there was a discussion on Ryan Foxheart’s biceps.”

Deidre sat back down.

“Obviously,” Tina said, “much has happened in the few weeks since we held the last meeting. First and foremost, our dearly beloved Knight Foxheart was promoted to Knight Commander Ryan Foxheart.”

We all sighed dreamily.

“And, of course, since my parents are in the King’s Court,” she continued, “I was in attendance, and ladies, let me tell you, he. Was. Glorious.”

I didn’t know she’d been there. I thought I would have been able to smell the stench of putrid death. My nose must have been getting weaker. And I was not a lady. Yes, everyone else was, but I obviously wasn’t.

“Was he as dashing and immaculate as the papers claimed?” an older lady named Wanda asked.

“More,” Tina said. “His armor shone like moonbeams and his hair was parted to the right. You know what that means.”

“He was feeling romantic,” a girl named Crissy said. “He always parts his hair on the right when he’s feeling romantic.”

“Actually,” I said, “his hair was slicked back for the ceremony.”

They all stared at me.

Well, except for Tina. She glared.

I shrugged. “What? You were wrong. I was just pointing that out. How wrong you were.”

“What does slicked-back hair mean?” a woman named Nicole asked tearfully. “We’ve never discussed what it means when it’s slicked back. What does it mean?”

Tina got a wicked gleam in her eye. “Obviously, it was his marriage hair,” she said, and I almost threw my muffin at her face. “He must have known Prince Justin had asked for his hand in marriage before the ceremony.”

“That wasn’t marriage hair,” I argued. “That was his ‘I’m in command now’ hair.”

Tina rolled her eyes. “Please, Ryan was all about Prince Justin. Rystin forever. He couldn’t take his eyes off of him when the King made the announcement.”

“I don’t know,” the oldest woman of the group said. Her name was Mary, and I thought she was awesome because she was a self-proclaimed Sam Girl. Well, she was awesome for other things too, but the Sam Girl thing made her even more awesome. “I was there too. Ryan didn’t seem as pleased as one should with a marriage announcement. And he was staring at Sam for most of the night.”

“Oh, here we go again,” Tina muttered.

“He was?” I said, somewhat startled.

Mary smiled at me. “He was. The look on his face when the King proclaimed the ball to follow was to find Sam a suitor almost broke my heart. It was like he had lost the only thing that mattered to him. He’s totally crushing on Sam. HaveHeart forever.”

I said, “What.”

Tina said, “He’s not crushing on Sam. I don’t know why you continue to insist on such a ridiculous pairing when there is obviously no chemistry between them. Ryan is now engaged to his beloved and will marry him and they’ll have babies and dinner and gaze into each other’s eyes. Epic poetry will be written about their love and hundreds of years from now, people will still speak of the wonder that is Rystin.”

“I don’t know,” a girl named Courtney said. “I think Sam and Ryan stare at each other when the other’s not looking. There’s always this indefinable something there. It’s almost like lightning crackling between them.”

I said, “What.”

“And did you hear?” Mary said, sounding gleeful. “They danced for three straight songs. No one dances for that many songs. He didn’t even dance with Justin that many times. Not in a row. It was like they were in their own little world and nothing could bother them.” She sighed, eyes fluttering.

“He’s a wizard,” Tina said, scandalized. “Justin is a prince. Why in the name of the gods would he want to take so many steps backward?”

“Sam is so mysterious, though,” Nicole said, and I knew it! I knew I was mysterious. I took a bite of a muffin in victory. It was a bit dry. Dammit. “He’s always got this look on his face like he’s working out the secrets of the universe. And when he looks at Ryan? It’s like he is the universe. And he wants nothing more than to solve Ryan’s riddle.”

“I bet he wants to solve Ryan’s riddle,” Mary said. “And then he probably wants to riddle his Ryan.”

I choked on the muffin.

“You okay?” Mary asked me.

I coughed. “Yes. Sorry. The muffin was just far too moist. I wasn’t expecting it.”

“That look isn’t about secrets,” Tina said. “He probably just has gas. Intestinal gas.”

“It’s not gas,” I snapped at her. “Er. Not that I would know. But it’s probably not. And it’s probably not anything to do with Ryan. I’m pretty sure Sam doesn’t even really care about Ryan at all.”

Mary laughed. “Oh, that’s not true. Sam wants to eat him for breakfast. There is something there that doesn’t exist between Ryan and Justin. And what about the date Sam went on? Ryan was obviously jealous the whole time.”

“I was there!” a woman named Griselda exclaimed.

Everyone turned to look at her and said, “Oooh.”

“Tell us everything,” Nicole demanded.

“It was just… I just…. Oh my gods, you guys. So there I was, eating my meal with my husband, minding my own business when in walks Sam and Ryan. And that guy Sam was on a date with.”

“Todd,” I supplied. “He has epic ears.”

“Yes, Todd,” she said dismissively. “I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but Ryan was standing so close to Sam, like he didn’t want to let him out of his sight.”

“He was chaperoning,” Tina said. “It was his job to watch Sam.”

Gross. I just agreed internally with something Tina said. I reminded myself to run tests when I got home to make sure I hadn’t just been possessed by a demon.

“You weren’t there,” Griselda said. “It was more. When those Dark wizards came in? He pulled out his big, long sword and tried to protect Sam. And even when the wizards were standing right there, Sam and Ryan were in their own little world, bantering back and forth and the tension. You guys, the tension was ridiculous.”

“He tried to protect Sam?” I said. “Please. He just stood there and Sam was all badass and trapped all the Darks by himself. Ryan was posing like he normally did. Dashing and immaculate my ass. More like—”

They stared at me again.

“Or so I read,” I said. “In the paper. Nothing else. I wasn’t there. I was on the other side of the city doing… stuff.”

“But it was obviously Sam’s fault that Justin has been taken by the dragon,” Tina said nastily. “He was the one that kidnapped Justin and forced him out to the sparring fields. He probably had a deal with the dragon to take Justin away so he could steal Ryan. Sam of Wilds hates Rystin and it’s just so unfair!”

“No one can control dragons,” I said. “Hello. They’re dragons. That’s not how magic works.”

“Yeah,” Tina said. “Because you would know how magic works. If you did, you could magic yourself some less ridiculous facial hair.”

“I could say the same about you,” I said and she was livid.

“You guys,” Courtney said.

“You know what, Mervin? I’m getting sick of your—”

“You guys,” Courtney said.

“Oh please, Tina. Your personality is like a—”

“You guys,” Courtney said.

“My personality? You are the absolute worst—”

“You guys!” Courtney shouted.

We all looked at her.

She had gone completely pale. She lifted a trembling finger. She said, “It’s. Him.”

We all looked where she was pointing.

And yeah. Fuck my life.

Knight Commander Ryan Foxheart stood on the other side of the street, talking with a small group of people.

We all screamed. Me for entirely different reasons than the others.

He looked up, startled.

The entire fan club was waving maniacally at him.

Except for me. I was sinking down in my seat.

Ryan waved back and held up a finger.

“Does that mean he’s coming over here?” Nicole said weakly. “Oh dear gods. I think my underwear just fell off.”

“Nicole,” Tina hissed. “Keep your comments to yourself! Be a respectable fucking lady, for fuck’s sake!”

“Mine did too,” Mary said, patting Nicole’s arm.

“Mervin, where are you going?” Griselda asked, and damn her for noticing me trying to flee quietly into the crowd.

“Uh. Nowhere? I mean, somewhere. I just remembered I have an important business meeting. For business. To discuss my business.”

Mary grabbed my arm and pulled me back to my seat. “Don’t be so shy, Mervin. That can wait. Who knows when we’ll ever get this chance again? It’s not as if—oh my gods, he’s coming over.”

Well shit.

I looked over and yep. There he was. Walking across the street like he didn’t have a care in the world. To the outsider, he held himself tall and proud and looked every bit the knight commander that he was.

But I knew him. I’d been watching him (like a creep) for a long time. I saw the fake set of his smile. The slight purple lines under his eyes. The stiff hold of his shoulders. He was stressed and tired and confused.

“Ladies,” he said, glancing over the table. “And gentleman.” He smiled at me.

They all giggled.

I didn’t because I was too busy wondering if anyone would notice if I made myself invisible. It was almost worth the risk.

Tina, the awful person that she was, stood and posed, sticking her chest out as far as it could go. She looked like the back end of a horse. “Knight Commander,” she all but purred. “How very kind of you to take time out of your busy schedule to come and mingle with the ladies.”

“Hate you too, bitch,” I mumbled under my breath.

“Are you some kind of social group?” he asked.

Tina preened. Like a peacock. “Not just any social group,” she said. “This is the Ryan Foxheart Fan Club Castle Lockes Chapter. We are the largest Foxheart Fan Club in all of the City of Lockes. We’re the Foxy Ladies.”

“Well,” Mary said, patting my hand. “The Foxy People. We don’t discriminate.”

“Fan Club?” Ryan asked, sounding adorably shocked. Then I remembered he was an asshole and I was pissed off at him, so he wasn’t adorably anything. “Oh wow. He wasn’t kidding when he said that.”

“Who?” Tina demanded.

“Sam. He’s a… friend of mine.” There was a tightening around his eyes and I wanted to shout that we sure as shit didn’t seem like friends yesterday, you motherfucker. I kept that bit to myself. Barely.

And almost all the ladies sighed. “Sam of Wilds?” Mary said. “He knows about us?”

Deidre burst into tears. “He’s… just… standing… so… close.”

“Can you sign something?” Nicole demanded. “This paper? This napkin? My chest? My inner thighs or my wildest dreams? Whatever you want.”

“Heh,” Ryan said. “Whoa.”

“Nicole,” Tina barked. “Rein your slut back in!”

“I can’t believe Sam knows about us,” Griselda said in awe.

“How?” Courtney cried. “How does he know? I want answers! I want him here. I changed my mind. I’m no longer about Rystin. HaveHeart forever!”

“HaveHeart is where pairings go to die,” Tina growled. “Long live Rystin!”

“I… just… want… to… touch… him,” Deidre sobbed.

“Whaaaaat is even happening right now?” Ryan said.

“Rystin is Justin and Ryan,” Mary explained.

“And HaveHeart is Sam Haversford and Ryan Foxheart,” Griselda said.

“Rystin and HaveHeart?” he said faintly. “I don’t even….”

“I’m a Sam Girl,” Mary told him. “Because of how he looks in tight pants. Edible. Edible is how he looks in tight pants.”

“Oh my gods,” I whispered feverishly. “This is happening right in front of me.”

“And I’m a Foxy Lady,” Tina said. “Because of reasons.” She stared at his chest. Everyone understood her reasons. Even me.

He looked back at me. “So, you a Foxy Lady too? Or a Sam Girl?”

“What,” I said, dropping my voice as low as it could go. “No. Not even. Shut your mouth.”

He frowned. “Do I know you from somewhere? You seem familiar.”

And with that, everyone at the table turned slowly to stare at me.

“Nope,” I said. “I don’t know you. I’m just here to do business. For my business.”

“And what business is that?” he asked.

And because I couldn’t help it, I said, “None of your.”

And he laughed. And my underwear almost fell off.

“Sweet molasses,” I said weakly.

“Are you sure we’ve never met?” he asked. “You remind me of someone.”

“I have that kind of face,” I said.

“I wouldn’t know. I can’t see it. Behind all that hair.”

“It’s a beard.”

“I can see that,” he said. “It’s very long.”

And so I leered, “Yeah it is,” because my life. Then I coughed horribly and oh my gods. “I mean thank you! I’m proud of its length. And girth. Holy crap. Shut up, S—Mervin.”

“What’s a Smervin?” he asked.

“Sure,” I said. “Oh no! Would you look at the time? I have another business meeting I really must attend to. For business.”

“It’s Mervin,” Mary said. “And forgive him. He’s just nervous right now. He has a little bit of a crush on you.”

“Mary!” I shouted. “You traitor. I do not! I am not a Foxy Lady.”

“So you’re a Sam Girl,” he said, sounding amused. Like an asshole.

“Yes,” I said. “Total Sam Girl. The Sammiest Girl who has ever lived.”

“So, HaveHeart, then?”

“I think Sam does just fine on his own.” Ha! Flora Bora Slam, motherfucker!

“I’ll be sure to let him know,” he said, cocking his head at me.

That pissed me off. “You do that. I’m sure he just can’t wait to talk to you.”

And boy did he flinch at that one.

“We’re so sorry to hear about Justin,” Tina said, commandeering the conversation. And, just because she could, her eyes filled with tears and she sniffed. “You must be so devastated.”

“Yes,” he said tightly. “It’s been rough. But we’re going to get him back.”

“And then you’ll be married!” she said, clapping her hands, tears drying instantly. “It’ll be the wedding of the century with flowers and tears and cake and I love yous and duck as the main course with greens, and there will be balloons and fairy lights and vows where you say he will be yours forever, and you will look into his eyes and sigh.”

“That’s… a lot of words,” Ryan said. “You remind me a bit of Sam.”

“I will murder everything you love,” I snarled at him.

“What?” he asked.

Shit. “That guy behind you. He was kicking a puppy. But no need to turn around and look! He ran away and so did the puppy and that is the end of that story.”

“Probably no duck, though,” Ryan said, turning back to Tina. “Some people might be allergic. That wouldn’t be fair.”

“Oh, come on!” I said loudly.

“Excuse me?” Ryan said, looking confused.

“Puppy kicker came back. But he ran away again. Man, that guy is so fast.”

“Mervin,” Tina said, grinding her teeth. “Would you at least try and act like a normal person?”

“Only if you try and find a way to disappear and never return.”

She turned back to Ryan. “I must apologize for Mervin,” she said. “He’s not as… cultured… as the rest of us are used to.”

“I’ll show you cultured,” I said, and Ryan laughed again, quickly covering it up with a cough as Tina frowned.

“You’ll see,” she said. “You’ll get Justin back, slay the dragon, and then you’ll be married.”

“I guess,” he said. He smiled at her, but it was forced now. They couldn’t see it because he was good at hiding. But I saw right through it. I almost felt bad for our fight earlier. The weight of Justin’s kidnapping was weighing hard on him.

He graciously agreed to sign autographs before he left, saying he needed to finish preparing for his trip. When he got to me, I just sat there and stared at him. The girls were too busy gushing to each other over what Ryan had written to listen to us.

“Do you need me to sign anything?” he asked.

“This must be fun for you,” I said.

“It’s not bad,” he said. He shook his head. “I’m sorry. I just… I swear I know you from somewhere. Where did you say you were from again?”

“I didn’t,” I said. I was starting to feel really sweaty because he was studying me way too closely and knowing my luck, my beard would fall off, followed by my underwear.

“Oh, where are you from, then?” he asked.

“I grew up in the slums,” I said, voice harsh. “You wouldn’t know anything about that.”

He looked surprised. “You did? How old are you?”

“Eighty-seven.”

“Right. So, early twenties?”

“Why?”

He shrugged, suddenly looking uncomfortable. “Maybe that’s where I would have known you—” He cut himself off.

My jaw dropped. “You grew up in the slums?” How had I not known that? How had I not known him?

“Look, do you want me to sign anything for you?” He was starting to fidget.

“Here,” Mary said, sliding a piece of paper in front of me. “Mervin is so forgetful sometimes. And I know he’d be furious if you didn’t give him your autograph.”

“I wouldn’t be furious,” I assured him. “There would be no level of fury.”

“Good to know,” he muttered. He reached down and took the pen from Mary and wrote something on the page and slid it over to me. He quickly said his good-byes and, with one last look at me, headed back into the crowd.

“What did you do?” Tina growled at me. “You chased him away? How dare you! I have half a mind to ban you for life, Mervin!”

Normally, I would have swooped back in and crushed her verbally. Normally, I would have tripped her with my words until she was stumbling and yelling. That’s how the meetings always ended.

But not this time.

Because this time, I had looked down at the autograph Ryan had signed for me.

And all powers of speech fled as if I’d never had them at all.

 

To Mervin:

Don’t worry.

I’m a Sam Girl too.

Our secret?

Ryan Foxheart