CHAPTER 29

The Lightning-Struck Heart

 

 

“WELL,” GARY said, as he posed in front of the floor-length mirror in my room. “Today should be a fuckton of shits and giggles.”

“That was sarcasm,” Dad explained to Tiggy. Tiggy still hadn’t quite got the hang of sarcasm yet, even though Gary had made it his singular mission.

“Got it,” Tiggy said, frowning in concentration. “Fuck shit giggles sarcasm.”

“Tell me I look pretty,” Gary demanded of Kevin, who was sticking his large head through the window. We were lucky my room was at the back of the castle so that Kevin could actively participate in discussions of a serious nature, like telling Gary he looked pretty.

“You are like the sun and the moon combined to make a creature so astoundingly beautiful that the world can’t even contain its—”

“Oh my gods,” I groaned as I lay on my bed. “Gary, make him stop.”

“Never,” Gary said. “This is probably as close as I will ever get to looking like a princess so I expect to be treated as such.”

I looked over at him and tried not to laugh because he would find ways to eviscerate me. Gary had gotten it into his head that his mane and tail needed to be permed for the wedding, and he looked like two gigantic cotton balls were consuming him from either end. They were adorned with dozens of fresh flowers and his hooves had been painted blue and silver to match the flowers. I wanted to tell him I thought he looked like he should be working for Mama, but I valued my testicles so I kept my mouth shut.

“Exactly like a princess.”

Gary narrowed his eyes. “I can tell when you’re being sarcastic, Sam Haversford. I’ll have you know that big hair is in this spring. Everyone has it.”

“Gary, no one else in this room has it.”

“I would have big hair,” Mom said. “But I don’t have the lady-balls to pull it off.”

“I have lady-balls,” Gary said. “I’m a fierce fucking princess.”

“You look like you pooping snowmen,” Tiggy said.

I laughed until I cried. Which, on a day like today, I sorely needed.

Gary glared at me.

I laughed harder.

It felt good.

So when the knock came at the door, I was as ready as I could ever be.

My mother fussed with my dress robes, brushing off invisible things so she could calm me (and most likely herself).

She leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. She whispered, “We get through today and then we’ll move on to the next. I am so proud of you, my son.”

I hugged her close.

Pete waited for us on the other side of the door. He smiled quietly at me, his armor shining, the decorative sword and scabbard fastened at his side. “Morgan and Randall are waiting for you in the lobby. The ceremony will begin shortly.”

I nodded and let the others out before I followed. I looked back at Kevin. “They’ve opened the Great Doors to the gardens,” I told him. “There should be more than enough room for you there.”

“Should I light something on fire?” he asked. “Like Justin? Or the wedding party?”

“No fires,” I said. “This wedding is going to go smoothly and then we’ll get drunk and I’ll be sad and then tomorrow, I’ll wake up and start again.”

“I am also proud of you, my son,” he said seriously. “In addition, your ass looks great today.”

And that was something I would never get used to. “Ew, and you’re still not my dad,” I called out, closing the door behind me.

I could hear the thrum of people seated in the throne room. The King’s Court, the heads of state, dignitaries from across Verania. At last count, there was to be over a thousand people attending the wedding of Grand Prince Justin of Verania to Knight Commander Ryan Foxheart. They’d all been seated earlier, waiting for the procession. The King would speak, Randall would speak, and we’d all sit in stifling heat wishing for death. I could hardly wait.

I descended the staircase to the lobby and saw my family waiting for me. Morgan looked stately, his robes a deep burgundy, his beard newly trimmed. Randall looked like an ancient pimp, his robes a bright green that I was sure Justin was going to take great offense to. He wore a large hat with a wide brim. A purple feather stuck out the top of it. I thought it was awesome.

“About time,” Randall grumbled. “You’d think it was his wedding day by the way he was dallying.”

“Hello, Randall,” I said. “Make sure your women give you your money so you don’t have to pimp slap them.”

Gary snorted. It came out violet and chartreuse, and I thought it paired with the flowers in his mane very well. Only a gay unicorn could match his uniquely visible sarcasm to his floral accessories.

Randall narrowed his eyes. “And what foolishness do you speak of now?”

“Nothing,” I said. “Tell me, Randall. What street corners are yours, because I don’t want to overstep my bounds.”

“I’m onto you, boy,” he said. “You think you’re being clever, but I’m onto you.”

“Ah,” I said sympathetically. “It’s hard out there for a—”

“And this is probably indicative of how today is going to go,” Randall said with a sigh.

“Is it?” Mom asked. “This certainly bodes well for today’s events.”

“I don’t think that’s quite what he meant,” Dad said to her.

“I’m maintaining a positive outlook,” she said. “Denial is such a comforting place to be.”

“Well,” I said to Morgan, “I tried to get drunk first, but some people wouldn’t let me.” I glared at my parents. And Tiggy. And Gary. “You know I’m much more tolerable when I’m intoxicated.”

“Wizard Spaghetti Face,” Tiggy reminded me.

“Okay, that was one time. And Betty and I bonded.”

“You called her a sexy grandma,” Gary said.

“In my defense, I’d had a lot of wine.”

“And you think that makes you tolerable?” Randall asked me. “Canoodling with elderly ladies?”

Canoodling, I mouthed at Gary, who just shrugged.

“Maybe we should consider a bit of a reeducation of your young apprentice,” Randall said to Morgan.

“Please don’t hit me!” I said, cowering away from him. “I’ll have your money by the end of the week. I promise, Randall. I’ve always been your best girl.”

“I fear it’s already far too late,” Morgan told Randall. “Run. Save yourself.”

“Sam,” Randall tried again, “I know that today is going to be difficult—”

I scoffed, cutting him off. “I’m fine.”

They all stared at me.

“What?”

“Sam,” Mom said. “It’s okay to not be fine.”

“Good to know,” I said. “I’m fine. You all act like I’m going to break down in inconsolable tears or do something stupid like interrupt the service when it gets to the whole speak now or forever hold your peace thing.”

“Well,” Gary said.

“I’m not. I wouldn’t do that!”

They looked slightly guilty, and I suddenly had a very bad feeling.

“And none of you can say a damn thing either.”

“Yeah,” Gary said. “Okay. Sure. Get right on that, kitten.” He batted his eyelashes at me, and I was almost ready to coo at him when I realized he was wiling me with his ways.

“You foul temptress,” I hissed at him. “How dare you try to woo me with your powers of beauty! I shall not be tricked!”

Gary preened. “Did you hear that, everyone? Sam says I have powers. Of beauty.”

“None of you can say a godsdamn thing,” I said, making sure to glare at each of them in turn. “We are not going to ruin someone else’s wedding day just because he should be marrying me instead as I’m obviously way cooler and have good teeth, awesome cheekbones, and a sunny fucking disposition.”

“His disposition isn’t very sunny right now,” Gary whispered to Tiggy.

“Oxymoron,” Tiggy said.

“Well said,” Gary replied. “He is a moron.”

“You lucky you pretty.” Tiggy said, burying his face in Gary’s ridiculous mane. “Feel like bubbles on my nose.”

“Listen to me,” I snapped. “You all need to keep your mouths shut! There will be no talking. Well, except for Morgan because I think he’s supposed to talk. And Randall, since he’s officiating the entire ceremony. They can talk. None of the rest of you can.”

“I can talk if I want to,” Dad said, looking slightly defiant.

“I’m serious,” I said.

“Dear,” Mom said. “Look. He’s serious. That’s his serious face.”

“You’ve made that same face since you were three,” Dad said. “That’s how we knew you were serious.”

“Like the one time he was six and came home to tell us he was seriously going to kiss Derek?” Mom said.

“Or that other time he was almost eight and said he was seriously considering opening up a business to sell toast and hats and wouldn’t I like to invest?” Dad said.

“Or when he was ten and he told us that he was seriously upset because we wouldn’t let him jump off the roof naked to test the wings he’d made out of a bedsheet and couldn’t we just see how serious he was?”

“You were a very strange child,” Randall said.

“I am nothing but a product of my upbringing,” I said, frowning at my parents.

“Thank you,” Mom said, beaming.

“And you’re welcome,” Dad said.

“You’re lucky I love you,” I told them. “Because otherwise I’d be ordering you to the dungeons for treason for telling the naked roof-jumping bedsheet story.”

“Pooping in buckets is a small price to pay to be able to tell that story,” Dad assured me. “Especially when I get to tell the part about how you were bare-ass naked when you were trying to argue with us.”

“If you try that now,” Gary said, “I bet you’d win more arguments.”

“Please don’t try that with me,” Randall said. “I don’t know how much shockingly pale skin I can handle.”

“Gods,” I muttered. “How did we even get here?”

“That’s a question I find I ask myself often around you,” Morgan said, patting my arm.

And then the announcement horns flourished brightly and all conversation ceased. Pete poked his head back out into the throne room. “We’re about to begin,” he said. “Joshua, Rosemary, if you could follow me please. I’ll show you to your seats.”

“I can’t believe the King got Justin to agree to allow you and Tiggy in the ceremony,” I told Gary. “I thought for sure he’d nix it.”

Gary rolled his eyes. “I told him it was considered the greatest of fortunes to have a unicorn and a half-giant walk down the aisle together. That it would bring him and his marriage luck and prosperity.”

I was slightly put out. If that was true, I would have hoped Gary and Tiggy would have instead refused to even show up.

“Stop pouting,” Gary said. “I just made that up so you wouldn’t have to stand there by yourself looking sad and alone and afraid and sad.”

“And handsome,” I said.

“Let’s not push it.”

“Said the talking cotton balls,” I muttered under my breath.

“What?” he asked sharply.

I smiled sweetly at him.

Mom and Dad kissed me on the cheek before following Pete through the Great Doors.

We lined up in front of the door in order of our entrance. Gary and Tiggy, then myself, then Morgan, with Randall following up in the rear. Ryan and Justin were being kept in separate rooms on either side of the lobby. Ryan would enter first, followed by the King and Justin.

Gary was whispering something to the Royal Announcer and I knew that it was probably nothing good. I tried to kick him in the ass, but his tail was so curled, I couldn’t seem to find it.

“Tiggy said it looked like he was pooping a snowman,” I whispered to Morgan who covered his mouth to hide the laughter.

Randall smacked us both on the back of our heads.

The Great Doors were pushed all the way open.

A thousand people stood as one, and the throne room fell silent.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” the announcer called, voice echoing off the stone. He was reading from a card. “Introducing, the most fiercest unicorn in existence, Mrs. Kevin the Dragon, aka, Gary.”

Gary coughed loudly.

The announcer rolled his eyes.

Gary coughed again.

“Gary the Magnificently Beautiful who is universally adored by all and whom everyone aspires to be because he is so amazing,” the announcer said, sounding aggrieved.

“Oh my gods,” I muttered.

“Thank you!” Gary said quite loudly. He began to walk down the plush red carpet toward the throne. “Hello,” he said, bowing his head at those standing on either side of the aisle. “Hello there. Hi. Ooh, girl, that hat is to die for. Work it. Hi. Hello. Salutations. Honeybunch, you’re at least fifty, not twenty. Cover up just a little bit more. This is a wedding, for fuck’s sake. Keep it classy. Hello. Hi. Oh goodness. Greetings. Oh my gods. That scarf. Where did you get that scarf? Really? At Medacio’s? The one off Grover Street? You know, I went there once and the service was just terrible. The salesgirl was just rude and I complained and got a twenty percent discount. Gods, what was her name? Leslie? Cochina? Mai Ling Wong? I don’t remember. It’s not important. But I just swore I wouldn’t go back there after—what? Oh. Right. Sorry. Sorry, everyone! Sorry. I tend to forget what I’m doing when I’m talking about scarves. It’s a sickness, I dare say. Hi. Hello. Good afternoon. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hello.”

He finally reached the throne.

“Tiggy,” I whispered. “I swear to the gods, you better get next to Gary as quick as you can and not stop. Do you understand me? No stopping to talk to anyone.”

“But Gary said—”

“Tiggy!”

“Tiggy never gets no fun,” Tiggy grumbled.

“We’ll have fun later,” I promised him, though he didn’t seem to believe me.

“Presenting,” the announcer called, reading from another card, “at nine-and-a-half feet tall, weighing in at six hundred forty-seven pounds. He is revered as a giant of impeccable taste and immaculate grooming. He’s—okay, I’m not going to finish this.”

“Say it!” Gary shouted.

The announcer sighed. “He has captured our hearts, filling us with love and joy and we are better off because he exists. Ladies and gentleman. The half-giant, Tiggy.”

Tiggy startled everyone by running as fast as he could, not stopping until he stood next to Gary, who looked slightly alarmed. He turned back toward me and said, “That fast, Sam?”

Everyone looked back at me.

“Yes, Tiggy,” I said, barely resisting the urge to bury my face in my hands. “That was fast.”

“I fast,” Tiggy said. “Sam said fast and I fast. I don’t get fun, but I fast.”

“Sam wouldn’t know what fun meant if it jerked off on his face,” Gary said.

I groaned because did he have to say it so everyone could hear?

The announcer switched to his next card.

“I will literally give you anything if you don’t read that,” I pleaded with him.

“Can’t help you,” he said, shrugging in apology. “Gary already threatened me with Unicorn Rage.”

“That devious bastard,” I said, trying not to be impressed. “That works on everyone. You know, I’m really starting to regret that I can’t sweat angry glitter.”

The announcer shrugged. “Yeah, it can be intimidating. Sorry about this, Sam.”

“Go ahead,” I said, waving my hand at him. There was really nothing else I could do.

Gary smiled evilly at me.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” the announcer called. “It is with great honor that I present to you a man loved and treasured for his wit and charity, but maybe not for the way he dresses himself. He looks respectable right now because of Gary. If it weren’t for Gary, he would look like a homeless ruffian whom you would think was probably out to steal your wallet. So, thank you, Gary, for the specimen you see before us. We are all in your debt. Sam is currently single and any and all inquiries for a good roll in the hay can be made attention to Gary and Tiggy. Sam likes magic and long walks in the forest. For some reason, he likes ears that stick out. He also likes… seriously? Gary, come on! Oh for the love of—He also likes butts, so please have a nice one. Feel free to attach an etching of your butt so that we may review it for quality. I give you the wizard… Sam of Wilds.”

“Apprentice!” Gary yelled. “It says wizard apprentice. Gods. Good help is so hard to find these days.”

“They just tried to pimp me out,” I said, sounding completely awed. “Why does that always happen in this room?”

“Remember,” Randall murmured from behind me, “I get ninety percent of all your take. Don’t make me slap you. You Randall’s girl, now.”

“Oh my gods,” I moaned. “Please let this be a nightmare.”

But it wasn’t, and after Morgan shoved me in a not-so-gentle fashion, I walked down the aisle. Tiggy kept waving at me as I approached and Gary smirked at me even as I wondered what it would be like to shove my boot up his ass. I was about halfway down the aisle when I spotted someone who I hadn’t even expected to be here.

She stood next to the aisle, her dress expensive and perfect as always. She cooled herself with her exotic folding fan, the handle clearly inlaid with gold.

And she was glaring at me as I approached, even though she technically didn’t know me.

Well. Not this me.

Even with all that I’d faced, dragons and Darks and cultists and fire geckos, she was still my most mortal of enemies.

And today was her victory day.

The president of the Ryan Foxheart Fan Club Castle Lockes Chapter.

Lady Tina DeSilva.

My fluttering heart hardened in my chest.

I wasn’t in control of how this day would end.

I was losing the one thing I wanted.

But this. I could control this.

I curled a nasty smile at her.

Then I realized I wasn’t dressed as Mervin, and her eyes widened as I looked positively murderous.

And I found I didn’t care.

I wouldn’t be going back to the damn meetings.

I was no longer a Foxy Lady.

From here on out, I was a SamGirl4Life.

I paused briefly when I passed her.

She scoffed prettily.

I dropped my voice to Mervin-like levels and murmured, “My muffins were never dry, you abhorrent wench.”

I winked at her.

Her breath hitched.

Her eyes widened.

She hissed, “You.”

“You’ll never prove it,” I snapped quietly at her and continued on.

I felt better. Getting the last word to a sixteen-year-old girl can do that to you.

“Do I even want to know why a little teeny-bop looks like she wants to eat your flesh?” Gary asked when I reached the front.

“We’re enemies,” I said. “Mortal enemies.”

“Of course you are, kitten. Only you would be mortal enemies with a teenage girl.”

“Don’t let her looks fool you. Her countenance hides nothing but evil.”

“I wonder at you, sometimes.”

“You’re in so much shit,” I growled.

“Worth it.”

“What are you guys whispering about?” Kevin asked. “Is it secrets? I love secrets.” I looked over my shoulder to see his head shoved through the Great Door, chin resting on the floor.

“Tell you later,” I said.

“You better,” he said. “I wouldn’t want to have to spank you, son.”

“Boo,” Gary said. “Stop hitting on our baby boy.”

Everyone was staring again.

“Not my parents,” I said for all to hear. “My mom and dad are right there.”

Mom and Dad stood and waved.

“We’re the parents of his heart,” Kevin said.

“Shut up,” I said. “No, you’re not. And that doesn’t even make sense. Stop making it weird and gross.”

“Don’t talk to your father that way,” Gary said. “You’re grounded.”

“Can we please move this along?” I asked. “Seriously.”

“He’s got his serious face,” Mom called to the announcer. “He’s serious.”

Morgan and Randall were presented without fanfare, and then I pretty much forgot everything else that existed because Ryan entered the throne room.

To say he looked handsome would be an understatement.

It wasn’t as if I’d never seen him in his full knight gear before. I had. Several times. But maybe it was because today was important, that it was so monumental that it just felt different. Of course, since it was Ryan Foxheart, I wouldn’t be surprised if the gods themselves were shining down upon his broad shoulders because everything about him shone. His armor, his shield, the scabbard at his side, his skin, his hair (seriously, what the fuck? How did he have shiny hair?). Everything.

And I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.

But that was okay.

Because he couldn’t take his eyes off of me.

Not once did he look away through that long walk down the aisle.

Not once did I avert my eyes for any step he took.

For a moment, I allowed myself to imagine he was walking toward me. That it was my wedding day and he was shining just for me.

It was a good dream. A frivolous dream.

I swallowed past the lump in my throat, trying to control my breathing.

It almost worked.

He reached the throne. Mere feet away.

He stood, facing me.

I was over him. I was done with this.

I wanted to beg him to stop this.

I wanted to never see him again.

I wanted to wake up every morning with him curled around me.

And then the King and Justin were announced.

The King looked resplendent, his robes accentuating his powerful frame, burgundy and gold, the edges trailing behind him on the floor. He was smiling quietly at his subjects, but there was something else in his eyes that I couldn’t quite make out. He moved more stiffly than I’d ever seen him before.

Justin. Well. Justin on the other hand, looked regal and amazing as always. Perfect hair, perfect smile, perfect everything. Even if he was wearing—

“Is that bitch wearing white?” Gary hissed in my ear. “Who does he think he’s fooling? There is nothing pure and virginal about him. Even his boots are white. Oh my gods. The travesty. The tabloids are going to have a field day with this. Who wore it better? Prince Justin or this homeless hooker.”

I coughed, trying to cover up the hysterical laughter. I didn’t want to draw any more attention to myself than already had been. It wasn’t my day and I knew Justin had the power to make my life a living hell, more so than he’d already done. But Gary was right. Justin was not pulling off the blushing groom he was trying to portray.

This was confirmed when I saw Tina practically swoon as he walked by on the King’s arm. Since I knew Tina absolutely had no taste whatsoever, I felt remarkably relieved.

“Ryan,” Gary whispered. “Shouldn’t you be looking at your future husband walking down the aisle rather than staring at Sam like an asshole?”

Ryan flinched and blushed. His eyes darted toward Justin and the King, and he swallowed with an audible click in his throat.

“That’s better,” Gary murmured. “Wouldn’t want you to miss any part of the best day of your life.”

“Oh snap,” Tiggy said.

“Oh snap indeed,” Randall muttered.

Morgan just sighed and I knew he was regretting all of his life choices.

I smiled softly at the King when they reached the throne. Justin ignored me completely, a determined look on his face. He stood near me, facing toward Ryan. Ryan paled slightly as Justin reached out for his hand. He glanced at me again. I kept my face blank.

The King turned toward his subjects. “I’ll keep this brief as today isn’t about me. Today is about love between two people. Two people who are pledging loyalty and devotion to one another for the rest of their lives. Two people who will one day take my place upon the throne, knowing they do so in complete honesty and transparency.”

Oh, that magnificent bastard.

“I remember,” he continued, then stopped. Shook his head. Cleared his throat. When he spoke again, his voice was a rougher. “I remember when I stood in this very room years ago looking upon my beloved. It was one of the happiest days of my life, knowing that I would get to look at this beautiful person for the rest of her days. And I did. There may have been days when we didn’t see one another. Days when commitments led us far from home, priorities that required our attention. But there was never a day that my Queen was far from my thoughts. She left this world far quicker than I had ever thought possible, but the time we shared together has kept me warm these many years later. For her, I would do it all over again.

“And that is what love is. Even when you’re hurt. Even when you’re angry. Even when you think you can’t take another step, love is what keeps you going. If you can love, then you can overcome anything that may rise against you. And it should be love that helps guide your actions because it will show you truth. It will show you beauty. It will show you compassion. And these traits, these insights, are the mark of a king. Without it, one can never hope to rule with a firm and kind heart.”

He took a breath and looked at Justin. “And so today, I give my son, Grand Prince Justin of Verania, to Knight Commander Ryan Foxheart in the hopes that he will have all the moments his mother and I had. You have my blessing.”

The King stepped back.

Randall stepped forward as the audience took their seats.

“Now,” Randall said. “I must ask before we proceed. Prince Justin, are you here of your own volition and peace of mind?”

“Yes,” Justin said, voice strong and clear.

“Knight Commander Foxheart, are you here of your own volition and peace of mind?”

Ryan was staring at me over Justin’s shoulder….

I narrowed my eyes at him and jerked my head toward Randall, trying to get him to pay attention.

The audience tittered quietly.

“Knight Commander,” Randall said again.

Ryan looked startled. He turned his head toward Randall. “Uh. I’m sorry? Can you say that again?”

“Oh my gods,” Gary muttered.

Randall’s lips twitched. “Of course. Are you here of your own volition and peace of mind?”

“Uh. Yes?”

“Is that a question?” Randall asked.

“Yes.”

“It’s a question.”

“Er. No. I’m here.”

“Of your own volition.”

“Yes.”

“And peace of mind.”

“Ha-ha,” Ryan said weakly. “Uh. I mean yes. My mind is in pieces.” He paled further. “I mean, my peace of mind. It’s peaceful.”

What the hell?

“Good to know,” Randall said. “I’m glad that you’re so… peaceful.”

Justin’s shoulders were tense. My hands were clammy.

“Now,” Randall said, raising his voice to carry out around the throne room. “We gather here today to join the Prince of Verania to the Knight Commander who will one day stand as King Consort. They have both spoken and have agreed they are here of their own volition and peace of mind. Before we begin the ceremony joining these men in a bond not easily broken, there is a question I must ask.”

I knew what was coming. I made sure to glare at my family in quick succession to get my point across. They mostly ignored me. Except for Gary. Gary rolled his eyes at me. What a dick.

And then Randall asked his question, and I swore all the world held its breath.

“Should anyone here present know of any reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

The room was completely silent.

I felt a sad sort of relief as I looked down at my feet.

Well, until Randall spoke again. “Anyone at all?”

Silence.

“Does anyone in this room have any reason that they shouldn’t marry?”

Silence.

“Nobody. Nobody here has any objection to this union?”

Oh my fucking gods, I was going to murder Randall when this was over.

“Not a single person has any—?”

“I object! Holy mothercrackers, do I object!”

The voice rang out, echoing around the throne room.

The audience gasped.

Gary choked.

Tiggy growled.

Morgan sighed.

I snapped my head up.

“Say again?” Randall asked.

“I object,” Knight Commander Ryan Foxheart repeated, looking straight at me.

“And why do you object?” the King asked gently.

“Because,” Ryan said, eyes darting to the King. He swallowed thickly. “I don’t love Justin. My heart belongs to another.”

The audience gasped again.

“Oh my gods,” Gary snapped at them. “Stop doing that. It’s not like that’s a surprise or anything. This is already dramatic enough as it is given that we’re at a wedding. Stop adding to it.”

“I’m sorry,” Ryan said, looking at Justin again. I couldn’t see the Prince’s face, but I could see his hands curled into fists at his sides. “I never wanted it to come to this. I let it go too far. And it’s my fault. I should have put a stop to this long ago. Justin, we can’t go through with this. It’s not fair. To either of us.”

“Fair,” Justin repeated. “Fair.”

I think I was going into shock. I leaned over and whispered to Gary, “Um. What’s going on?”

Gary looked amused. “I’m pretty sure Ryan just called off the wedding because he wants to sit on your smile.”

“Whoa,” I breathed. “I am so into that.”

“You made an oath,” Justin said through gritted teeth. “You swore your fealty to me.”

“I know,” Ryan said. “And I shouldn’t have. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought it’s what she would have wanted. But… I did it before I knew what I know now. Not that that’s an excuse. I shouldn’t have let it get this far. For that, I am truly sorry.” He took a deep breath. “I ask you to release me from my oath.”

“I won’t,” Justin said.

“Oooh,” the crowd said.

“Justin,” the King said with a frown.

“You don’t love me,” Ryan said quietly. “And I don’t love you. Why would you do that to yourself? Justin, there is someone out there for you. Someone who is far better than I could ever be. Someone who will love you as your mother loved your father. That person can’t be me.”

Justin laughed bitterly. “Love. Why does it have to be about love? I gave you what you wanted. I gave you a place in this castle. You would become King Consort. You would be the force of so much change, hundreds if not thousands of lives, and you’re willing to throw that away because of love?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because,” Ryan said, eyes flicking to me, “my mother told me that I had to follow my heart in all things. I thought I was. I thought I’d done what was right. But then I looked upon the stars and I wished for the one thing I wanted more than anything else. I didn’t believe it could ever come true or ever be mine, but then I held his lightning-struck heart, given freely and without reservation. And I would gladly treasure it for the rest of my days.”

The audience sighed dreamily. Except for Tina. She looked like she had dysentery. Explosively so.

“He talking about Sam?” Tiggy whispered to Gary.

“Yes, he is,” Gary said, voice teary. “That motherfucker just gave my heart a boner. Well played, Knight Delicious Face. Well played.”

“I can say no,” Justin said. “I can hold you to your oath.”

“You can,” Ryan agreed, sounding surer. “But you wouldn’t.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because that’s not who you are.”

“Justin,” the King said quietly, “release him from the oath. It’s the right thing to do.”

“I….”

The blood pounded in my ears.

“Godsdammit,” Justin snapped. “Fine. Ryan Foxheart, I release you from your oath to me. Because of love.” He rolled his eyes. “Worst day ever.”

“Holy shit,” I said rather loudly. Which, of course, caused everyone to look at me. “Er. Um. Hi.” I waved awkwardly. I leaned over to Gary. “What the fuck is going on?” I hissed in his ear.

“I’m pretty sure you’re about to get plowed like a field,” Gary whispered back.

“I’m what?”

“Sam.”

I looked back up. Justin stood next to the King, who had his arm around the Prince’s shoulders and was whispering quietly in his ear.

Ryan, though. Ryan was looking right at me.

Gary shoved me toward him.

“You bitch,” I growled over my shoulder.

“Love you,” he said with a grin.

I stood in front of Ryan. If I wanted to, I could reach out and touch him. And gods, I wanted to, but I wasn’t quite convinced yet that this wasn’t some cruel dream that I would soon wake up from.

“That’s my boy!” Kevin called out from behind us. “That’s my boy.”

“Kevin,” Gary snapped. “You’re ruining the moment. Our son will never forgive you if you mess this up.”

“Why is that a thing?” Randall asked Morgan.

“Haven’t had time to study it,” Morgan said. “Frankly, I don’t know if I want to know. I go with the flow now.”

“That just means you’ve given up understanding your charges.”

“There was no hope in understanding them.”

“Ah,” Randall said. “Reality’s a bitch, ain’t it?”

“What are you doing?” I asked Ryan hoarsely.

“I couldn’t do it,” he said, sounding nervous. “I couldn’t go through with it. Not now.”

“So you waited until the moment you were about to get married?”

“Uh. Yes?”

I was slightly pissed off. “Who the fuck does that?”

“Yeah,” Justin said. “Who the fuck.”

We both glared at Ryan.

He started sweating. “Well. I guess. Maybe. I did?”

“You’re an asshole,” I said.

“The biggest asshole,” Justin said.

“Gigantic asshole,” I said.

“I’m losing my heart boner,” Gary said to Tiggy.

“I know,” Ryan said.

“What the fuck?”

“I know.”

“No. Seriously. What the fuck? You were minutes away from getting married.”

“I’m aware,” he said drily. “I am standing right here, after all.”

“So much sass,” I said. “How can you be sassy right now?”

He shrugged. “Someone told me once I’m the God of Sass.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “You think you’re funny.”

“Sometimes.”

“I’m not just going to fall into your arms.”

“Okay,” he said. Then, “How about now?”

“My heart boner is getting chubbed up again,” Gary said.

Ryan reached out and grabbed my hand. I thought about pulling away, but his skin against mine felt like something akin to relief. Beautiful, wonderful relief and I thought maybe I trembled with it.

He took a step toward me, and I could feel his heat. His eyes were wide and clear, and I felt trapped by them. He squeezed my hand. “Sam.”

“You’re an asshole,” I said.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t get to be an asshole.”

“I know. I need you to listen to me. Okay?”

“Why?”

“Because I need to say what I should have said to you many times before.”

I could only nod.

“Achieving full heart boner,” Gary said. “Heart boner is imminent.”

Ryan took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He said, “Sam, it’s always been you. It’s always been you because I lo—”

And that’s when a group of Dark wizards burst into the throne room, led by Wan the Dark Hunter.

“Aha!” he cried. “The element of surprise is ours!”

People in the audience screamed and began to push their way toward the sides of the throne room. The knights moved in front of them, taking defensive positions.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Gary said. “Seriously?”

“Sam of Wilds,” Wan shouted. “I am here to avenge the death of Lartin the Dark Leaf. He was a nice and strange man whose father—”

“No,” I snapped. “You do not get to monologue during Ryan’s love confession.”

The Darks stared at me. “His what?” Wan asked.

“In case you couldn’t tell, I was about to be told how wonderful I am and how much I am loved and how I am the greatest thing in his world and he worships the ground I walk on and that I also have great hair and my sex puns are the funniest things ever. He was also probably going to kiss me and I was considering making it a little dirty even though we have an audience.”

“Oh shit,” one of the Darks said to another, and I recognized them as the ones that had been chased away by the fire geckos outside of Tarker Mills. “They finally got their act together.”

“I told you they would,” the other said. “You owe me coin.”

“Bullshit,” the first Dark said. “You literally said they would do it before the wedding.”

“Oh my gods, would you stop saying literally?”

“I thought he was marrying the Prince?” Wan asked.

“Plans changed,” I said. “And because I fucking deserve it after all the shit I’ve been through, you’re going to shut the fuck up and let me have this fucking moment. When he’s finished, I’ll deal with you. Do you understand?”

“I don’t think—”

“Do you understand?”

“Eep!” Wan said. “I mean, yes. Yes, I understand.”

I glared at him until I was sure he was going keep his mouth shut. Then I turned back to Ryan, who was watching me fondly. “Sorry about that,” I said. “You may continue.”

“Can I?” he asked, smirking just a bit. “Wouldn’t want any more interruptions.”

“There won’t be any,” I said. “Proceed.”

“Well apparently I’m supposed to say you’re the greatest thing in the world and I worship the ground you walk on.”

“That’s a good start,” I said.

He closed the distance between us, his chest bumping against mine. “And your sex puns are the funniest thing ever. You also have great hair.”

“That’s good,” I managed to say. “That’s real good.”

“And I think you’re pretty wonderful.”

“Yeah? This is working for me. A lot.”

He grinned. “I think there was one other thing you wanted me to say.”

I nodded, not trusting my voice.

Ryan reached up, cupping my face in his hands. He searched my face for something, and he must have found what he was looking for, because he said, “You’re my lightning-struck heart, Sam of Wilds. I love you more than I could ever say.”

And then he kissed me.

It wasn’t like the first kiss atop the dragon’s keep. That one had been born of desperation and longing. No. This kiss spoke of sweet relief, of a future that I hadn’t thought would ever be possible. As his lips moved over mine, my magic sang and thrummed along my skin, and I wondered if this is what it felt like to be cherished, to be held in such wonder that it was breathtaking.

His tongue dragged along the seam of my lips and I opened for him. I felt the scrape of his teeth and his fingers tightened on my face. My hands were on his hips and I held him close.

He pulled away only to kiss my cheeks. My nose. My chin. And then he rested his forehead against mine and we breathed each other in.

“So,” he said.

“So.”

“Sorry it took me so long.”

“S’okay. You can make it up to me.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“I love you,” he said, kissing me sweetly.

I couldn’t stop the smile that grew on my face even if I’d wanted to. “Because I’m awesome.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yes, Sam. Because you’re awesome.”

“Good,” I said. “I love you too, even if you are an asshole.”

“Heart boner,” Gary moaned. “Throbbing heart boner.”

“We should probably deal with the Darks so we can get out of here,” he said, running his thumbs over my cheeks.

“Yeah? Where we going?”

He blushed.

“Oh,” I said. “Oh. Yeah. We should definitely go do that. We should go do the hell out of that. Many times. Like, I’m so down with that. You have no idea.”

“Make sure to get the money up front,” Randall whispered. “I need my cut.”

Morgan sighed again and shook his head. Poor guy. He’d had a long day.

“What they doing?” Tiggy asked.

“Well,” Gary said. “When a knight finally pulls his head out of his ass at the last possible moment obviously staged for dramatic purposes and admits that he loves a wizard’s apprentice, they go into their room and do a special hug that—”

“Butt sex,” Tiggy said.

“Yes, Tiggy. Butt sex.”

“Go, Sam!”

“Thank you, Tiggy.” And because I could, I kissed Ryan again. It was awesome. I felt him smiling against my lips, and I didn’t think this day could get any better.

Then Wan cleared his throat. “So. We’re still standing here. In case you were wondering.”

“That so?” I said, pulling away from Ryan and turning toward the Darks.

Wan squared his shoulders. The Darks behind him stood in formation. “Sam of Wilds,” Wan said. “You murdered Lartin the Dark Leaf. He was a great wizard who liked pinecones and eating fried fish while wearing slippers. We have come here to exact our revenge and—”

“Okay,” I said.

“Okay?” Wan asked.

“You want revenge. I’ll let you try.”

“You will,” he said, eyes narrowing in suspicion.

“It’s the least I could do,” I said. “After all, you were the ones who had the foolproof plan to infiltrate Castle Lockes on a royal wedding day when a large contingent of the King’s knights would be present, not to mention the two most powerful wizards in the known world, a pissed-off unicorn, an angry half-giant, a dragon, and my boo.” I blew a kiss at Ryan. He rolled his eyes and pulled out his sword.

“Don’t call me boo,” he said as he tried to stand between me and the Darks.

“Mini-muffin?” I said, shoving him to the side.

“Gods, Sam.”

“Honeybear?”

“I’ve changed my mind,” he said. “I take back the love confession.”

“Too late,” I said. “We have, like, a thousand witnesses. You’re stuck with me pretty much for forever.”

He shook his head. “Still taking it back.”

“Heart boner gone,” Gary muttered.

“So you see,” I said, looking back at the Darks, who were not quite as confident as they had been before. “You pretty much done fucked up, son.”

“We can take you,” Wan said, brow sweating.

“You sure about that?” the King asked, shrugging out of his robe. He reached behind the throne and drew out a longsword, double fisting it and grinning. “I look forward to it.”

“Well,” Justin said, catching two swords in either hand thrown to him by a knight. He flourished them both. “At least this day didn’t end in a total crapshoot. Killing something will probably make me feel better.” He stood next to his father, coolly gazing out at the Darks.

“Pretty sure,” Wan said weakly.

“We need you to be positive,” my dad said, pushing his way out of the crowd and coming to stand amid the knights. He cracked his neck from side to side, popping his knuckles, the heavy muscles in his arms bunching.

“So maybe think very carefully before you act,” my mother said, sliding out to stand next to my father, eyes glinting as she took a defensive stance, bouncing lightly on the balls of her feet.

“So,” I said, all eyes coming back to me. “You picked a pretty bad day to fuck with Verania. Kevin! Make me billow!”

Kevin sucked in a great breath and blew a stream of air at me, causing my robes to billow around me in the breeze.

“Do I look badass?” I asked Ryan.

“Dashing and immaculate even,” he said, bumping my shoulder.

“Awesome,” I breathed. “Now I just need a catchphrase.”

“Oh, here we go,” Gary muttered.

“Got it!” I said. I glared at the group of Dark wizards standing before us. “It’s time to turn off their lights and leave them in the dark. Permanently.”

Everyone groaned. Literally everyone.

“That wasn’t very good at all!” someone in the audience cried.

“Keep working on it,” Dad said.

“Or don’t,” Mom said. “That works too.”

“Good job on that one,” Randall said to Morgan. “You must be so proud.”

“Hey,” Morgan said. “I had nothing to do with that. I’m just as embarrassed as you are.”

“It’s like we’ve taught him nothing,” Gary said to Tiggy.

“He slow,” Tiggy said. “It okay.”

“He tries so hard,” the King said, winking at me.

“Obviously not hard enough,” Justin said, flourishing his swords again. Like a douchebag.

“I thought it was good,” Ryan said. “Sort of.”

“Thanks, boo,” I said, beaming at him. “I’m glad you get it. Unlike the rest of these idiots who wouldn’t know awesome even if it punched them in the dicks.”

“I should hope not,” Mom said. “Seeing as how I don’t have one.”

“Last chance,” I told the Darks.

“Bring it,” Wan said and I felt the heavy weight of magic permeate through the room.

I smiled at him. “I was hoping you were going to say that.”

The people of Verania roared.

 

 

THE BATTLE lasted two minutes and thirty-six seconds.

No one died, not even Lady Tina DeSilva. Much to my chagrin.

The Darks never stood a chance.