CHAPTER 17
Gary Is an Asshole and Other Stories
“SAM.”
I ignored him.
“Sam.”
I marched resolutely forward.
“Sam. Sam. Sam.”
It was such a nice day outside.
“Sam.”
Not too warm. The breeze felt good.
“Sam. SamSamSamSamSam.”
“What?” I snarled at Gary.
“Hey, buddy,” he said. “Hi. You got something you want to talk about?”
“No.” I made sure not to glance back where Ryan and Tiggy were walking a bit behind us. We were halfway to Tarker Mills and this was the first time Gary had managed to get me reasonably alone ever since Randall opened his fucking mouth. I’d plotted at least fifty-seven ways that I could kill him, each more violent and gory than the last. I was almost scared how bloodthirsty I seemed to be. But then I reminded myself what Randall had spilled and I really didn’t give a fuck.
“So, you don’t have anything to say at all.”
“Not a word.”
“No… stone unturned?”
“Nope.” I was able to stop myself before I punched him in the face. Barely.
“When I was little, you know what I wanted to be when I grew up?”
“I don’t care.”
“A stonemason.”
“Oh my gods.”
“When I was a wee slip of a unicorn. I went through a rebellious stage. Got stoned a lot.”
“Gary.”
“Sometimes when you get angry, your face gets stony.”
“Gary.”
“My mother once gave me a piece of advice. She said a rolling stone gathers no moss.”
“Are you done?”
“Yes. No. Wait. Did you hear I was sick last week? I had kidney stones. Okay. Now I’m done.”
I glared at him. He smiled back at me.
We walked on.
“So,” he said less than ten seconds later because he couldn’t drop anything. Ever. “We gonna talk about it?”
“Nope.”
“Like, not at all.”
“Not at all.”
“We gonna talk about how you didn’t tell me?”
“Nope.”
“Huh,” he said. Then, “Well, I’m going to talk about it.”
“I would really rather you didn’t.”
“Of course you would. Because you’re about to feel my wrath.”
“Gross.”
“Not like that! Stop making it weird.”
“I’m talking to a hornless unicorn named Gary. It’s already pretty weird.”
“Point. Now. First things first. When are you going to sink your ass down on his cock?”
I tripped and almost fell.
“Hmm,” Gary said with a frown. “Maybe I should have gone with a different approach.”
“Are you out of your fucking mind?” I hissed at him. “You can’t just say stuff like that. He might hear you!”
Gary rolled his eyes. “Oh please. Tiggy is keeping him distracted for me.”
“You planned this?”
“You always have to have a plan when you are going into battle.”
“I’m not going to talk to you anymore.”
“Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. SamSamSamSam—”
A WEEK later, I was awakened in the middle of the night by a cold nose pressing against my face. I groaned and cracked an eye open.
Big unicorn nostrils right in my face. I could hear Ryan’s and Tiggy’s snores from the other side of the fire. Gary had been on watch.
“What?” I croaked.
“What are you doing?” His breath smelled of cinnamon and apples. Apparently it was a unicorn thing to have delightful odors.
“Sleeping.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“So.”
“So?”
“I thought of another one.”
“Another what?”
“Did you hear about what happened to the murderers in Falquist?”
“What? What are you talking about? What murderers?”
He leaned closer and whispered in my ear, “They were stoned to death.”
He never blinked.
“Oh my gods,” I muttered, pushing his face as hard as I could. “Did you wake me up just so you could tell me that?”
“Yes. Obviously. Tell me.”
“Fuck off.” I rolled on my side and pulled the scratchy blanket over my head.
Right before I fell back asleep, I heard him whisper, “I’m never going to forget this. You will succumb to the power of the unicorn.”
I WOKE up the next morning to a pile of stones next to my head.
Tiggy laughed.
Ryan’s eyes narrowed.
Gary said, “Wow. How did that happen?”
GARY WASN’T getting what he wanted from me, so four days later he went a different direction.
“So, Ryan,” he said quite loudly. “I feel like we don’t talk very much.”
I gritted my teeth but continued walking down the road. It was a beautiful day out and I was going to fucking enjoy it. Tiggy was chattering happily at my side about butterflies and bacon, and I was doing my best to pay attention to him.
“That’s because we don’t,” Ryan said.
“Well. I feel like that’s something to be rectified. Since, you know. We’ll be seeing a lot of each other. For the rest of our lives.”
My hands curled into fists.
“That right?” Ryan asked. “How do you figure?”
“Oh. Well. I’m sure we’ll leave no stone unturned to find the Prince. One day soon, you’ll turn a corner and he’ll be there with the dragon. We’ll defeat it and live happily ever after and Sam will be a great wizard and you’ll be… wait. What are you supposed to be again?”
“King Consort,” Ryan said. He sounded strained for some reason.
“Riiiight,” Gary said. “That was it. I’d forgotten. Forgive me. So.”
“So?”
“We need to become friends. Tell me everything about you. Your hopes. Your dreams.” Gary’s voice dropped. “Your fantasies.”
Tiggy babbled on, “…and that bacon we had one time in castle. Good bacon. Good, good bacon. I….”
“My what now?” Ryan asked.
“Your fantasies, Ryan. We’re having girl talk. If that’s too much for you, I can go first.”
“Please don’t,” Ryan said.
“Okay. We can wait until the campfire later to talk about that. I’ll eat some grass, you can eat your old can of beans, and you can tell me how you like to get tied up and spanked or whatever knight commanders are into.”
I choked and coughed.
“You okay up there, Sam?” Gary called.
“Just fine,” I said without turning around.
THAT NIGHT, by the fire.
“How are those beans?” I heard Gary ask Ryan.
“Dry.”
“Poor baby. So. You ready?”
“For what?”
“Girl talk.”
“Uh.”
“This one time, I got fisted by a large selkie named Honest Frank. His name was a bit of a misnomer because everyone knows selkies lie about everything. That being said, he didn’t lie about punching my asshole.”
“Oh my gods.”
“Right? It was a most eye-opening experience. Your turn.”
“Oh my gods.”
“Ever been fisted by a selkie, Ryan?”
“No!”
“Oh. It’s kind of like being with a merman, but less fishy.”
“I’ve never been with a merman!”
“Seriously? What kind of mystical creatures have you been with?”
“Oh my gods. None.”
“Really?” Gary puffed out his chest. “I could change that. If you feel the need.”
“Gary!” I snapped.
He looked at me, fluttering his eyelashes. It looked amazing. Fucking unicorns. “Yes, Sam?”
“Cut it out.”
“Cut what out, Sam?”
“You know what.”
“I’m just trying to get to know the Knight Commander. After all, he’s going to be living only a stone’s throw away from us for the rest of our lives.”
“Gary.”
“Ha,” Tiggy said. “Stone.”
“I feel like something’s going over my head,” Ryan said.
“Do you feel like that a lot?” Gary asked. “Because you look like you feel that way a lot. Missing things. That are right in front of you. I know too many people like that.”
I rolled my eyes. “You don’t know that many people.”
“Exactly,” he said.
I frowned. “I get the feeling you’re being a dick.”
“Oh? You think so?”
“Quite possibly.”
Gary looked back at Ryan. “You’ve been working out, right? You seem bigger than you did a year ago.”
He shrugged. “I guess. Gained a stone or two of muscle.”
“A stone or two of muscle,” Gary said, slowly turning his head toward me. “How. About. That.”
I threw my jar of beans at his head.
WE WERE four days outside of Tarker Mills when we stopped in the hamlet of Arvin’s Crossing and treated ourselves to staying at an actual inn with a bed rather than another night on the cold, hard ground.
There was a tavern in the inn that served strange-smelling fish that made me wish for the beans again. The customers at the bar were in awe of Gary and Tiggy and kept touching them. I kept an eye on them as I poked the fish with a stunted metal fork. I swear to the gods it blinked at me.
“I can’t tell if this is fresh or has been dead a really long time,” I muttered.
Ryan made a face. “Either way, I don’t think I can eat it.” He pressed his fork against the fish on his plate and some viscous liquid shot up into the air. He turned a little green as he pushed the plate away. “I would send it back, but I think the cook only had one eye and a dirty mustache. You can’t send food back to a man with one eye and a dirty mustache.”
Against my better judgment, my curiosity was piqued. “And why is that?”
He shrugged. “One-eyed dirty mustache men are more likely to murder you.”
“Is that so? Done an official study on it, have you?”
“Past experience.”
“I don’t know what that says about you as a person that you’ve had enough experiences with one-eyed men with dirty mustaches in order for you to be able to say that most if not all are murderers.”
“Gay fairy married,” he said, voice deadpan. “Dark wizards. Fairy drag mothers. Dragons. Magic mushrooms. Penis noses. Pseudo-elves that want to take your virginity. Everyone that wants to take your virginity.”
“It is a precious thing,” I agreed. “I can’t wait to give it away.”
He scowled at me. “Just hand it off, will you?”
I rolled my eyes. “It becomes a burden to carry after a while. Why are we even talking about this? We were making fun of you.”
He eyed me for a moment. Then, “Before we left, I ran into one of those fan clubs you were talking about.”
“Oh?” I managed to say, as if I hadn’t just started sweating like a motherfucker. “That right?”
Ryan nodded. “Yeah. Strangest thing, I’ll admit. There was a woman there… well, a girl really. She seemed to be in charge of the group.”
“She wishes,” I muttered. “That bitch.”
“What?”
Oh shit. “I said, no more fishes because they make me itch.” I made a show of pushing the dinner plate away. “So how was it meeting your adoring fans?” My voice was tinged with what I hoped to be the perfect amount of sarcasm. In reality, it came out slightly strained.
“Intense. Very… intense. They wanted me to sign stuff. Like papers and thighs.”
“You poor dear. It must have been so hard to have everyone fawning over you.”
He shrugged. “They were sweet. Well, most of them were. There was a guy there.”
“Oh?” I said. I wondered if it was considered okay if I set something on fire to cause a distraction. Like a chair. Or Gary.
“Named Martin? No. Wait. Mervin.”
“Sounds foreign,” I said. “Must not be from around here. You’ll probably never see him again. You should probably forget all about him. Forever. Are you tired? I’m tired and—”
“Said he was a Sam Girl.”
“A what now?” I smiled to show that I thought it was amusing, but it came out as a grimace because I was freaking out.
“Sam Girl,” he repeated. “Apparently it’s a thing. Like Foxy Ladies.”
“I’ll be honest,” I said. “The fact that you just said Foxy Ladies really made my day. Say it again.”
“Foxy Ladies.”
“Yeah. Didn’t have the same effect that time. Maybe not say it so growly.”
“Mervin wasn’t very happy to see me,” Ryan said, leaning back in his chair. “Said he wasn’t a fan.”
“Can’t win them all, am I right?” I forced a hearty laugh to show this was just between us bros and that I understood completely. “Bros before hoes,” I said and immediately cringed internally.
“What?”
Shit. “Uh… never mind. Thinking about something else. Like hoes. And bros.”
“What about them?”
“I have no idea,” I said honestly.
He squinted at me. “You’re odd sometimes.”
“Pretty much all the time. Let’s talk about—”
“So, Mervin was a Sam Girl. Not a Foxy Lady at all.”
“Oh, we’re still going to talk about that,” I said. “That’s super.”
“Did you know about that? Sam Girls?”
Of course I did. I had invented the term. “Nope. I had no idea.”
“Apparently it’s a big thing.”
“As it should be. I’m awesome.” I shouldn’t have said that.
“True. You don’t seem very surprised.”
“That I’m awesome?”
“Sam.”
“I am awesome.”
“HaveHeart is apparently a thing too,” he said, not once taking his eyes away from me.
So I said, “It’s always nice to have a heart.”
“No, that’s not what it means. It means you and me.”
“There is no you and me,” I said.
Something flickered across his face. Something I couldn’t quite make out. It almost seemed like hurt and pain, but it was gone behind the mask he usually wore, stoic and strangely charming. “True. Rystin was the other one. You know. For me and Justin.”
“Very fitting,” I said. Rystin sounded like a contagious genital disease. “It suits you two.” I chose that moment to glance over at Tiggy and Gary so Ryan wouldn’t see through my bullshit. They were off in some corner, whispering to some stranger, looking back over at us and then whispering some more. Gary was plotting. This wasn’t going to end well.
“I just thought it was fascinating,” Ryan said. “People pairing us up like that. I wonder what that was about?”
“I don’t know,” I said. We belong together! “Must be something they see that we don’t.” Put your dick in me! “Absolutely no idea.” All the ideas! I have all the ideas!
“Anyway,” he said, “I signed some autographs. The leader or whatever. She was very adamant. Tiffany, I think her name was.”
“Tina,” I said.
His eyes widened slightly.
I blanched. “Teee naaa,” I said like a moron. “Tina. Go. Tinago Fall. Is a waterfall. In the Luri Desert. And that is your fun fact for the day. Because geography is knowledge and knowledge is power.” I gave him an enthusiastic thumbs-up. I probably looked a little manic.
“Knowledge is power,” he repeated. “You okay there, Sam?”
“Now that you mention it, I’m kind of—”
“So, as I was saying, you were right about the fan clubs.”
“Of course I was,” I said. “I’m right about most things. And the things I’m not right about are frivolous and have no bearing on anything anywhere. Ever.” I looked back at Gary and Tiggy in time to see Tiggy slipping some money to the man they were talking to. That was definitely not good.
Ryan leaned forward, putting his hands on the table, spreading out his fingers. They were very nice-looking fingers, which of course led to thoughts of what those fingers could be used for. I had half an erection hidden underneath the table. Penises are seriously inconvenient sometimes. “You ever been to one of those meetings?” he asked casually.
And before I could even begin to think of a way to lie myself out of that one, Gary saved the day by coming back over to the table and saying, “You bitches talking about stuff?”
“Talkin’ ’bout,” Tiggy said as he followed Gary.
“What were you doing over there?” I asked him.
“Nothing,” Gary said, when he really meant something.
“Gary.”
“Sam,” he mocked.
I wasn’t going to take his shit. I went for the easy way out. “Tiggy. Buddy. Love. My sweet, sweet giant of man.”
“Pretty Sam,” he said, running a big hand over my head. “Sweet Sam.”
“What were you guys talking about over there?”
He put a finger on my lips and squashed my nose. “Shh, Sam,” he said. “Shh, shh, shh.”
“Mmmph! Mhmmmph!”
“You two looked cozy,” Gary said, looking between me and Ryan. “We interrupting something?”
“I was just telling Sam about the fan club meeting I ran into midafternoon the day before we left the castle.”
“Fan club,” Gary said flatly. “Midafternoon.”
Ryan had the decency to blush. “Apparently I have fans? And they meet?”
“At meetings,” Gary said, eyes burning into me as Tiggy still shushed me. “The day before we left the castle. Now, isn’t that just interesting.”
My eyes went wide. He knew. Godsdamn perceptive unicorns!
“Sam,” Gary said, because he was evil. “Weren’t you at a meeting the day before we left the castle? A secret meeting that none of us know anything about? That you often attend? By yourself?”
“Mmmmph! MMMPH!”
“Tiggy, dear,” Gary said. “Let Sam breathe. I’m sure whatever he’s about to say will be most enlightening. Wouldn’t want him to die by getting fingered to death or whatever it is you’re doing.”
“I no finger Sam,” Tiggy said, insulted. “I no finger him to death.” He pulled his hand away, and I pulled in a great, gasping breath.
“Stop… saying… fingering,” I panted.
Gary’s nose wrinkled. “Well, when you say it like that, it does sound unappealing. But back to the topic at hand. Sam. Love. Sweet pea. Meat muffin. Did you hear that you and Ryan attended meetings on the same day at around the same time?”
“Gosh!” I exclaimed. “What an amazing coincidence! No two people have ever had meetings at the same time before!”
“Hmmm,” Gary said. “I’m surprised you two didn’t corner each other.”
“Zing,” Tiggy said. “So much zing.”
“And here’s the conversation I don’t understand again,” Ryan sighed.
“I don’t understand it either,” I said. “Or anything Gary is saying. You shouldn’t want to. I don’t.”
“Ladies and gentleman!” a voice called out from behind us. “Can I have your attention please?”
I turned and looked over my shoulder. There stood a man in the middle of the tavern, on a small stage. He smiled as the noise of the crowd died down. In his hands, he carried a small lute, the strings taut, the baseboard made of oak. He ran his hands over the strings once and a melodious sound fell from them, bright and cheery.
The blood drained from my face.
It was the man Tiggy and Gary had been talking to.
And he was the bard o’ the tavern.
Meaning he sang songs.
Many times by request.
Many times made up on the spot.
I turned slowly to Tiggy and Gary, my heart thundering in my chest.
They were grinning at me, wide and toothy.
“You… didn’t.”
“Oh, Sam,” Gary said. “You should never underestimate a unicorn and a giant.”
“What’s going on?” Ryan asked.
“We’re leaving,” I said. “Now.”
Gary sat on me.
“Oh… shit,” I managed to wheeze as my chair creaked underneath us.
“You’re not going anywhere,” Gary said, wiggling a bit.
“Can’t… breathe….”
“Are you calling me fat?” he said, looking back at me.
“Seriously…. Gary… for the love of gods.” His tail flicked once into my face. “Your asshole… is right there.”
“Good thing I poop rainbows and cookie smells,” he reminded me. As if that was supposed to make this any less awkward.
“I do hope you’re enjoying your evening here in Arvin’s Crossing,” the bard said, completely oblivious that I was technically getting to third base with a unicorn while Tiggy and Ryan watched. I thought maybe I’d had a dream like that once. It was not sexy. “But, chances are, since you’re in Arvin’s Crossing, you’re not having any fun at all.”
The others in the tavern laughed uproariously. I was too busy getting squished by a gigantic ass. Plus, it wasn’t that funny. Maybe it was a more of a regional humor kind of thing. Not like puns. Puns are universal. And awesome.
“But!” the bard said when the laughter died down. “We are truly in the presence of greatness tonight, folks. Guests of honor so astounding that the floor will tremble beneath your very feet. But first! A brief word from our sponsors who help keep me, your host, Zal the Magnificent, in business.” He bowed and took a step off the stage.
A thin man with a receding hairline stood up and took his place. When he spoke, it was in monotone as he read from a dirty piece of parchment in his hands. “Do you have gout? Is your love life suffering because you’re inadequately proportioned? Do you lie awake at night and dream about setting people on fire and bathing in their boiling blood? If you answered yes to any of those questions, then hold on to your hats, because I have a solution for you. Dr. Troy’s Amazing Elixir of Rejuvenation, Revitalization, and Repression. Just one sip and your joints will be limber, you’ll have a giant member, and you won’t feel the need to conflagrate and dismember. Dr. Troy’s Amazing Elixir of Rejuvenation, Revitalization, and Repression. Buy it today.” He took a breath and then muttered quickly and quietly, “Dr. Troy is under royal decree to disclose that he is not a real doctor, has never been to medical school, and makes the elixir in his shack in the woods. It should not be consumed by anyone in their right mind or who wants to continue to live in a remotely healthy way. Do not feed it to animals or children or they will die a horribly painful death when their insides melt and leave the body in a most effervescent manner through every orifice available.”
The man stepped off the stage.
“Gary, if you don’t get off me, I’m going to magic you to death,” I whisper-shouted.
“Shhh,” Gary said. “It’s rude to try and interrupt an artist about to perform.”
“Bards are not artists.” Because they weren’t. They were jerks.
“Art is subjective,” Ryan said.
“Your face is subjective,” I muttered as I prepared for one of my ribs to collapse.
“You really need new insults,” Gary said.
“I’m going to get some of that elixir and force-feed it to you.”
“Maybe you should consider using some of it yourself,” he said, wiggling his ass. “Little Sam feels like he could use a growth hormone right about now.”
“Murder,” I hissed.
“Shhhhh,” Tiggy said. “Song man going to sing song.”
Zal the Magnificent stepped back up, a cynical smile curving on his lips. That didn’t bode well. “Thank you, Jerome,” he said to the balding man, “for that ever-resplendent rendition. Your joy and humor are like sparkles of light in my darkened life.”
The balding man flipped him off.
“Now,” Zal said jovially. “You may have noticed a rather interesting group of travelers have found their way to our little tavern. Ladies and gentleman—though most of you are nowhere near gentle, and I use the term ‘ladies’ rather loosely, because if the shoe fits!—all the way from the City of Lockes, it’s a really tall guy, a gorgeous and beautiful creature with eyes like jewels that sparkle in firelight, that other one, Gary, and the future sticky wicket for the Prince!”
Everyone turned to us.
“Wait,” Gary said. “Did you mean Sam is the gorgeous and beautiful creature with eyes like jewels that sparkle in firelight? And I’m ‘the other one’?” He sounded outraged.
“I tall guy.” Tiggy was pleased. It didn’t take much.
“What the hell is a sticky wicket?” Ryan asked, brow furrowed. “And is he flirting with Sam? Seriously. Everyone.”
“Still can’t breathe,” I managed to say. “Vision getting fuzzy around the edges.”
“Drama queen,” Gary muttered.
The bard ignored us all. “They are on an epic quest,” he said, sounding excited and amazed and slightly mocking all at once. “To save the Prince of Verania from the evil dragon that stole him to keep Justin as his own. Through fire and danger and certain death, they have traveled from the City of Lockes to seek the return of the one true love of the Knight Commander.”
Most of the ladies (who were actually probably whores) and even some of the men (who were actually probably whores) sighed, as if the notion of the romance between Ryan and Justin was so wonderful it necessitated a starstruck exhalation.
“Yay, Rystin!” someone shouted on the other side of the tavern. I couldn’t see who it was so I was unfortunately unable to mark them for death. It was disappointing. “Whoo! Rystin!”
“Rystin, indeed,” Zal said, eyes alight with mischief. “We have a saying in Arvin’s Crossing, don’t we, my dears?”
“Yeah!” the crowd roared back.
“And what is that saying?”
“We travel far, we travel long, stories told through ale and song!”
“That was really lame,” I said, shoving at Gary. He didn’t budge.
“I think it’s adorable,” Gary said. “So backwoods and rustic.”
“So!” Zal said. “We have a future King’s Wizard. A knight commander. A giant. And a unicorn. And the lovely Tiggy and Gary have requested we sing for them!”
“You motherfucker,” I said to Gary. “You too, Tiggy.”
Tiggy pouted. “Song man said it be good.”
“Don’t listen to him,” Gary told him. “Sam’s just bitchy because he’s not getting away.”
“I feel like I’m in a waking fever dream,” Ryan said to no one in particular. “Like, these past weeks are the product of extraordinary illness and I’m actually in bed hallucinating all of this.”
“Do you often hallucinate about Sam while you’re in bed?” Gary asked.
Ryan blushed terribly.
I told myself that the fact I couldn’t breathe right then was the product of having a unicorn sitting on me. Nothing else.
“Now, we know my skills with the lute are divine.” Zal ran his hands over the strings and a pretty chord echoed in the tavern. “My voice has been called melodious and sublime. Now I’ll sing you a verse or six. Ladies and gentleman, guests of esteemed honor, I give you… ‘Cheesy Dicks and Candlesticks.’”
“What,” I said.
“What?” Ryan said.
“This is gonna be goooood,” Gary breathed.
Tiggy grinned.
And Zal the Magnificent began to sing.
There once was a princely man,
Who had jewels for eyes and hair most fair.
Set, he was, to rule this land,
Undoubtedly down with panache and flair.
But plans have changed, due to nefarious deeds,
As a dragon came and stole the Prince away.
And Verania waits for him to be freed!
So he can return and be wed in a ceremony most gay.
Ohhhhhh!
Cheesy dicks and candlesticks!
And everything you need!
Listen as I sing a verse or six
Here in this land of sloth and greed!
“Whaaaaat the hell?” Ryan said.
“This is so much better than my dreams,” Gary said reverently.
But fear not, my lads and lasses,
For there are heroes to be told!
A wizardly man and a knight who sasses,
A unicorn, a giant, all who’re brave and bold!
They travel the lands on a desperate quest,
To save a love that’s bright and true,
With the sword of knight and the wizard’s best.
Sing with me now, you know what to do!
Ryan and I didn’t sing.
Everyone else did.
Including Tiggy and Gary. Those bastards.
Cheesy dicks and candlesticks!
And everything you need!
Listen as I sing a verse or six,
Here in this land of sloth and greed!
Our heroes have traveled far and wide.
The wizard was almost gay fairy married.
He’d have been the most beautiful forced bride,
But thankfully, he was saved by Gary.
“You fat sack of crap,” I growled at Gary. “That’s not even close to what happened!”
“Please,” Gary sniffed. “I was there. I have eyes. You would have been lost without me.”
They learned the secret of the dragon’s keep
Hidden deep in valley and made of stone.
And the knight turned a corner, and all maidens weep!
Because what feelings are these that have surely grown?
The tavern erupted into the chorus again while I glared at Gary with the strength of a thousand suns.
“Corners and stones again,” Ryan said. “Sure would be nice if someone would explain to me what’s going on.”
“Yes, Sam,” Gary said. “Wouldn’t that be nice? If someone explained? What was going on?”
“I’m trying to listen to the song,” I insisted.
From there they went to Mama’s den,
And behind closed doors, met with she.
In a house of whores and men,
No one is more fucked than me!
There in the house lives an elf,
A noble creature graced with dignity,
Who has set a goal for his own self
To relieve our wizard of his virginity!
More chorus.
“Gary,” I bit out. “You better hope you can run really fast, because I am going to light your whole body on fire.”
“I’m already flaming enough,” he said, rolling his eyes.
“At least they’re not singing about Todd and his damn ears,” Ryan muttered.
“Cheesy dicks!” Tiggy said. “Cheesy dicks.”
And alas, like most stories do,
We now approach the end.
Will our heroes return with something new?
Tales of a prince they chose to defend?
Of battles fought and dragon’s skin they did part.
Perhaps they’ll return with badges made of scars.
Or will they discover the war in their hearts,
As it is surely written upon these stars.
My skin buzzed.
Ryan said, “Sam,” in such a quiet voice.
Noise erupted around us.
Ohhhhhh!
Cheesy dicks and candlesticks!
And everything you need!
Listen as I sing a verse or six
Here in this land of sloth and greed!
The song ended to thunderous applause.
I STOOD at the bar, nursing a mug of ale, crisp and tart. A piano played a jaunty tune, people laughing and dancing into the night. I didn’t know where the others were. Probably around somewhere. I felt I was justified in ignoring them for a bit. Especially Gary. Mostly Gary. Pretty much all Gary.
If we weren’t best friends and he weren’t protected by law since he was a magical creature, I would have skinned him alive and made him into a nice area rug.
So, of course, he found me first and said, “You mad? You look mad.”
“Volcanic in my fury,” I replied evenly.
He sighed. “Well, maybe it wasn’t the best idea, but I think we can all agree that it was a good show.”
My hand tightened on the wooden mug. It cracked audibly.
“Yikes,” Gary said. “Definitely mad.”
“If I were a unicorn,” I told him, “there would be glitter pouring off me right now.”
“Unicorn rage,” he whispered, eyes wide.
“So much unicorn rage. Like, the ragiest unicorn rage ever.”
“Is that why you are getting drunk by yourself and glaring at the wall?”
“I am not getting drunk by myself and glaring—oh. Wait. I am. Yes. That is why.”
“Oh.” He put his nose against my ear and snuffled loudly. I grimaced. “I love you,” he said, his lips rubbing against my jaw.
“Gross. Stop it.”
“Can’t. Love you. Love you, boo. Love you so much. You my girl. Bitches before snitches.”
“Except you snitched to Zal the Magnificent.”
“I paid him for a performance piece. There’s a big difference.”
“You’re going to need stitches by the time I’m done with you.”
He snorted in my ear. “You’re adorable when you threaten me. Seriously.”
I snarled at him.
“Oops. I meant, oh no! Please, Sam! Don’t cut me! I’m so frightened. You’re sooo scary!”
“Damn right,” I said, knocking back more ale. Like a man.
“It was a pretty good song, though,” Gary said. He just couldn’t help himself.
“I’m going to invent a spell for penis rot and give it to you and you’re going to be all like, no, why did I do this to Sam? Why was I so mean? I should have been nicer and now my penis looks like an old-growth forest.”
“That was… descriptive.” He snuffled my face again.
“Go away.”
“And leave you to pout all by yourself? Never.”
“Don’t be a cunt, Gary.” I winced. “Okay, time out from the fighting. Can we all agree never to use that word? It’s awful and disrespectful and I don’t even know why I said it. I apologize profusely and beg your forgiveness.”
“Agreed,” Gary said. “I’ll speak for Tiggy, who is currently trying to get Knight Delicious Face to dance. And of course I forgive you.”
“Good. Rule four hundred ninety-eight of the Sam/Gary/Tiggy friendship is now in effect. No one can say… that word. Time in.” I huffed out an angry breath and looked back down at the bar. “Go the fuck away, Gary. You’re dead to me.”
“Whiny little git,” he mumbled, but he didn’t move. “Why the hell didn’t you say anything? We’re friends, Sam.”
“Not right now we’re not.”
“Shut up. I’m being serious right now.”
“Oh, as long as you’re serious.”
He reared his head back and narrowed his eyes. “You’re acting like a child. Knock it off.”
“You made a bard sing a song about Ryan and me called ‘Cheesy Dicks and Candlesticks,’” I reminded him.
His lips twitched. “Yes. Well. To be fair, I didn’t come up with the title. That was all on him.”
“You say that like it makes it better!”
“Doesn’t it? I certainly feel better.”
And as if the moment couldn’t get any worse, Zal stepped up to the bar, leaning on his elbows and cocking his head at Gary and me. Gary pulled away slightly and rested his chin on my shoulder. I thought about punching his mouth, but was able to hold back. Barely.
“You,” Zal said to me, “are a conundrum.”
“You,” I said to him, “are a dick.”
He grinned. “The things I do for money.”
“That’s what whores say. The only difference between you and them is they get fucked while you did the fucking.”
Zal’s gaze flickered to Gary. “Got a bit of a mouth on him, doesn’t he?”
“Wait until he gets really mad and starts with his nonsensical insults. That’s when you know you’re in trouble.”
“Hash brown snow packer,” I growled at him.
“Like that.” Gary sighed.
“I like the both of you,” Zal said.
“Joy,” I said. “Unbridled joy.”
“No, really. I do.” He laughed and shook his head. “When Gary came and told me what you’re doing for love, I was moved. Honestly.”
“For love?” I said, not squeaking at all. “What love? There’s no love!”
Zal shrugged. “You know. For the Knight Commander. And the Prince.”
Ow. My feelings. “Oh. Right. Yes. That love. So much love there. Like… buckets. Of love. And that’s exactly why I’m doing this.” Well, that was a lie. “For their love.” Which was an abomination and a sin against the gods. “There’s nothing I’d rather be doing.” I would have rather been doing anything but. “Which is why I’m doing it.” I was ordered to by the King.
“Yeah,” Zal said. “That sounded… believable.” He glanced back at Gary. “You weren’t kidding, man.”
“Right?” Gary said. “Try living with it.”
“With what?” I asked. “Stop speaking in code. What are you talking about?”
“Grown-up things,” Gary said. “Shh.”
“I’ll show you grown-up.” I winced. “Okay, so that may not have been the best way to prove my point.”
“At least you’re pretty,” Gary said.
I blushed. “Oh hush, you.” Then, “Wait. Hey.”
“You’ve certainly got your work cut out for you,” Zal said to Gary.
“You should see them together,” Gary said. “It’s painful to watch.”
“Kid, can I give you some advice?” Zal asked.
“You just sang a song called ‘Cheesy Dicks and Candlesticks,’” I said. “I don’t know that you’re qualified to dispense advice to anyone.”
He waved a hand dismissively. “I’m a bard. I’m supposed to make up shit like that to keep people entertained. It’s sort of my job.”
“I wasn’t entertained. You should be fired.”
“Liar,” Zal said. “You’re going to be singing that song on your deathbed. I made it up in ten minutes. The last stanzas were ad-libbed. You were so impressed.”
Okay, I sort of was. But not that I had to tell him that.
“Cheesy dicks and candlesticks,” Gary whispered in my ear. I shoved his face away as he laughed.
“Still doesn’t explain why—”
“I don’t know much about the ways of wizards,” Zal said, looking down at his hands. “Or royalty or epic quests or magical beings and adventures to save princes from dragons. I know how to tell those stories, but I’ve never really lived them. I don’t know that I want to. There are those of us that run headlong and feetfirst into danger like it’s nothing. Then there’s those of us that stay behind and document what happens. Or, as I like to think of it, the sane ones.”
“Nothing difficult was ever won while staying sane,” I said.
He gave me a quiet smile. “Exactly.”
“Uh.”
“You know what I love?”
“I don’t. But you’re going to tell me, aren’t you?”
“Love,” he said.
“Gross.”
He ignored me. Dammit. He’d already found my weakness. “Love is an amazing thing. It can move armies. It can destroy people. It can cause even the mightiest of us to fall to our knees in supplication. It’s terrifying and wonderful, and if you let it, it can be the greatest thing in the world.”
I was almost in awe. I had to stop myself from sighing dreamily. “You sound like you speak from experience.”
He laughed. “Hardly. I fuck too many people to fall in love. Last night, I had an eleven-way with trapeze artists from a traveling circus. You wouldn’t believe how bendy they were. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that much jizz in the space of three hours in my life.”
We stared at him.
He rolled his eyes. “Just because I don’t fall in love doesn’t mean I don’t believe in it. I just happen to believe in it more for other people than myself.”
“You’re my new hero,” Gary said. “I want to be you when I grow up.”
“But, but,” I sputtered. “You said things about love meaning being on your knees for armies!”
Zal arched an eyebrow. “Oh boy. I don’t know if that’s quite what I said.”
“An eleven-way?” I said, sounding scandalized. “That’s so many arms.”
“I bet you couldn’t even tell where one body ended and another began,” Gary breathed on me.
“All those writhing bodies,” Zal agreed.
“Nothing!” I said, because that made sense. “I just want a two-way!”
“Sam’s a virgin,” Gary said. “The only thing he’s writhed with is his hand.”
“Gary!”
“Truth in advertising,” he retorted.
“I don’t writhe,” I told Zal. “There’s no writhing. Where do everyone’s feet go in an eleven-way? Is there orgy etiquette for feet? Why haven’t I been told about this!”
“Some people like feet in their face,” Zal said. “Nothing wrong with a little tongue to toe action.”
“I don’t want my feet sucked,” I told Gary. “I am not into feet sucking.”
“You don’t even know,” Gary said. “It’s never happened to you yet.”
I frowned down at my feet. I tried to imagine someone licking my toes and I cringed a bit. Then I thought of Ryan doing it and—
“Oh no,” I whispered. “I have kinks.”
“That’s not a bad thing,” Zal said. “Kinks are wonderful if they’re carefully and consensually explored. Why, last night I discovered I had a kink for eleven-ways.” He wiggled his fingers over our shoulders in a slinky wave. Gary and I turned around to see a group of men and women, all with long blond hair, pale skin, and bright eyes, drinking in a corner. They all waved back and half of them giggled.
“You know,” Zal said, gaze lingering. “If you’re not ready for love, we could make this a twelve-way tonight. They’re only in town until tomorrow. You could invite us to come in.”
“My room’s not big enough,” I said faintly.
He grinned. “I meant come in you.”
“Oh gods,” I wheezed, putting my head on the bar.
“He’s slightly prudish,” Gary said to Zal. “My sweet, innocent little boy.”
“He’s made for love,” Zal said, as if he understood completely.
“Some people are hardwired that way,” Gary said. “Some of us want to get married and have babies, and others of us want to be tied up by a centaur and spanked.”
I thought about hyperventilating but decided against it.
“Are you okay?” Zal asked.
“Nothing!” I said, because it still made sense in my head.
“I don’t even know how we got to this point,” Gary said. “Again.”
“You often have conversations about kinks and orgies?” Zal asked.
“You’re making it worse,” I moaned.
“Love!” Gary said. “That’s what this was about. Love.”
“Love,” Zal agreed. “Kid, I’m going to lay it on the line for you.”
“I can’t take you seriously anymore,” I told him honestly. “I don’t know where your feet have been.”
Zal pointed behind me back at the trapeze artists. “See the big guy sitting on the end? His name is Oyev. That’s where they’ve been. Can I tell you about love now?”
“I don’t think that helped like you think it did,” I said.
“Why don’t you just tell the Knight Commander how you feel?”
I glared at him. “He’s affianced. To the Prince.” Then, belatedly, “I don’t feel anything. I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Because there’s nothing to talk about.”
“Really.”
“Really.”
“So he’s just going to get married.”
“Yes.”
“And that’s what he wants?”
“Why wouldn’t it be? He’s doing it, right?”
Zal smiled sadly. “Sometimes we do things for the greater good, even if it causes our hearts to break.”
“You bother me,” I said to him. “I’m not sure if I’m pleased that you exist.”
“He watches you, you know,” Zal said and what?
“No he doesn’t,” I said weakly.
“All night,” Zal said, as if I hadn’t spoken at all. “Since the moment you walked in together. He rarely takes his eyes off of you. You might not have been looking, but I was.”
“It’s always like that,” Gary said.
“It is not.”
Zal shrugged. “He’s doing it right now.”
I told myself not to look. I told myself that Zal was full of crap. I told myself that having hope for something so ridiculous was dangerous because it would crush me when nothing happened.
I looked anyway.
Of course I did.
Across the tavern, Tiggy and Ryan stood among a group of revelers vying for their attention. A man was talking to Ryan, a hand against his bicep.
But Ryan was looking directly at me.
And when he saw me looking back, his eyes widened slightly and he dropped his gaze.
“That doesn’t mean anything,” I said. Because it didn’t. It couldn’t.
“Stubborn, isn’t he?” Zal said.
“Painfully so.”
“The Prince is my duty,” I said. “I’m sworn to protect him. That’s all this is. That’s all this ever was. I allowed him to be taken by the dragon. I should have been faster. Stronger. Better. If I’d done what I was supposed to do, none of this would have happened. Ryan needs me to get Justin back. That’s all this is.”
“Sometimes, I want to punch him in the mouth,” Gary told Zal.
Zal stared at me. “He’s like this every day? Maybe he just needs to get laid. Take the edge off. I can talk to Oyev and see if he can help out. Virginity is a sweet thing, but it’s so much better to be destroyed and be sticky.”
“No Oyev!” I said. “And selling sex as being ‘destroyed and sticky’ is not the best way to go about it.”
Zal rolled his eyes. “Sorry. It’s slow and gentle and he’ll stare into your eyes and your souls will meld together and the only thing you’ll taste is his sweet breath upon your lips. He’ll whisper in your ear how you are his treasure and when his seed blooms within you, the flower of true love will begin to grow.”
I didn’t know what it said about me that I kinda got a boner from that. Maybe that I was awesome. Or very, very sad.
“I will be excellent at boning,” I said. “When I’m ready for it.” Now. Now would be good. I’d be fine with now.
Zal shook his head. “I think I understand why everyone adores you. You’re a conundrum wrapped in an enigma in a package built of twink.”
“That’s… remarkably astute,” Gary said.
“I am not a twink!”
“Shrieked the twink,” Gary whispered.
“I think I’m pretty much done. With the both of you. Good day!” I turned from the bar and walked away.
“Regrets, kid,” Zal called after me. “If you never try, then you’ll only know regret.”
I thought to avoid Ryan altogether, but he saw me and broke away from the guy who was still holding on to his bicep and met me halfway. People danced around us as the music swelled.
“Okay?” he asked.
“Fine,” I snapped. “Ugh. Sorry.”
“It’s okay. Who do I need to kill?”
I tried not to grin. I failed. “No one. Everyone. I don’t know.”
“That clears it up. Good job.”
“Sass master.”
“I thought I was the God of Sass?” he asked. “It sounds like I was demoted.”
It was easy, this. Banter. I could do banter. So, like a tool, I said, “I got invited to a twelve-way orgy with a team of trapeze artists and the guy that sang about cheesy dicks.” Shit. “Wait. That wasn’t banter. I meant for that to be banter.”
He scowled, eyes darting over my shoulder where Gary and Zal still stood at the bar. “You’re going to an orgy?”
“What? No! I don’t want to be destroyed and sticky and have my feet sucked on.”
His nose wrinkled up. “You… what?”
“That’s what happens at orgies,” I explained, because it didn’t sound like he knew. I felt overwhelmingly relieved at that. “You don’t know where to put your feet, so they go into Oyev’s mouth.”
“Are you drunk again?” he asked.
“Only a little bit,” I assured him. “And now I realize that I’ve been drunk a lot around you, but I promise I don’t have a drinking problem. Mostly. And I’m not drunk enough to go to an orgy. Apparently I want someone’s seed to bloom in me and make flowers turn into treasure. Or something. I don’t know. I might be drunk. Let’s banter.”
“I don’t think you have the capacity to do anything but have words fall out of your mouth right now,” he said, a small smile on his face. Like he was amused. Like I amused him.
“I don’t want to have regrets,” I blurted out. I took a step back.
He took an answering step forward. “And what do you regret?”
“Ignore me. I didn’t mean to say that.”
“But you did.”
I took another step back. “Wine loosens lips. Not that I need it.”
Another step forward. “Maybe,” he said. “But for all that you talk, it’s superficial.”
I scowled at him. “Nice word usage. You dick.”
He shrugged. “I have a shield. It’s made of metal.”
“Fun.”
“Yours is made of words.”
“Oh. Oh. I see what you did there.”
“Pretty cool, right?”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Dude. Are you trying to psychoanalyze me?”
“I’m pretty sure it would take a group of people far more qualified than I years to even remotely come close to being able to analyze you. Dude.”
“That… sounded like you insulted me with a compliment.”
“I feel like a lot of your life is insults through compliments.”
“Why does no one else see this?” I asked without meaning to.
“What?”
“You. This. I don’t understand. The King said you don’t smile.”
“So you’ve said.”
“But here you are.”
“Here I am.”
“Smiling.” And he was. And it was wonderful.
“Would you rather I not?” he asked as his knee bumped into mine and when exactly had he gotten so close?
“I don’t get you.” I frowned.
“Why?”
“Because.”
“Succinct.” There was laughter in his voice.
“You’re a knight.”
“You’re observant.”
Suddenly it felt very important that he understand this. “The King said you don’t smile. You’re a knight. People say you’re stoic and ruthless and hardworking and brave. You’re supposed to be. That’s what a knight is. But you’re also kind and ridiculous and a complete and utter dork and I see you smile all the time. I don’t understand.”
The music slowed around us into something surprisingly sweet. The cheerful voices and the raucous laughter died down as men and woman joined together and swayed along the dusty, wooden floor. I was suddenly very out of my depth and thought that running away was possibly the best idea I’d ever had.
And I almost made it. I really did.
But before I could turn completely, Ryan grabbed my hand and said, “We should dance.”
“Should we?” There was more in that question than just those two words.
And of course he squeezed my hand and my magic rolled under my skin, and I swore I could almost hear it speaking. It was saying yes and yes and yes.
He said, “Sam, it’s just a dance.”
I wanted to argue with him. I wanted to tell him it would never be just a dance. What a cornerstone meant to a wizard and how it could never be just a dance. That all of this was a bad idea because out there somewhere was the man he loved being held by a creature that apparently only I could understand. His prince was gone. His hand was in mine. And we were here, far from home, away from most all the people we knew and loved and my magic said yesyesyes.
“Just a dance,” I said.
And he pulled me close.
It wasn’t like at the castle. There was no one else. I wasn’t sniping at him. He wasn’t snarking at me.
But his left hand was on my waist, and I felt every single touch.
And his right hand was in my own, fingers curled and dry and warm.
Our feet moved, more elegantly than I’d ever done before.
And his eyes never left mine.
This boy I’d known as Nox.
This man I knew as Ryan.
I thought for a moment, for a singular, shining moment that maybe I could have this. That maybe this could be mine. That maybe, maybe, maybe.
I knew it wasn’t meant to be.
But I allowed myself to think such thoughts.
Because no one else could hear them. They were my own. Like a wish upon stars held in secret hearts.
We danced.
And we danced.
And we danced.