CHAPTER 13

I’ve Got Wood and I’m Ready to Masticate

 

 

WE MADE our way back to the main road before I thought to use the summoning crystal. I pulled it from the pack on Gary’s back, the others standing around me. Ryan’s eyes looked pinched and I wondered if we were friends again. I didn’t think I was mad, but I didn’t want to admit that it took a tiny naked man to help me get over it. I didn’t say that out loud because it sounded all kinds of wrong.

It didn’t help that there were too many questions I had for him. Why he seemed so keen on defending my honor. Why had he intimated he’d grown up in the slums. Why he was the way he was (meaning why, out of all the people in the world, was he my cornerstone). Granted, these were questions I was never going to ask, knowing full well my expectations would make the reality that much more crushing.

I told myself we were friends. Anger can turn to bitterness, and we couldn’t have that between us. Not when we needed to trust each other to stage a rescue from a dragon.

“Not a word from any of you about being in the Dark Woods,” I warned them. “Morgan can be a bit… touchy.”

Gary snorted. It was green this time. “Touchy. Right.”

“Maybe because you can’t take two steps inside before something bad happens?” Ryan said.

“I’m so glad you’re with us,” I told him. “Because of the way you point out things.”

There was a small smile on his face that my heart absolutely did not trip all over.

I held the crystal in the palm of my hand in front of me. I thought of Morgan and felt something pull in my head, like a hook had lodged itself in my brain and tugged. It was borderline unpleasant and I felt itchy all over.

The crystal flashed in my hand, a dull pulse as it grew warmer.

Then it was almost as if Morgan was standing right next to us, his voice loud and clear. “Sam?”

I opened my mouth to say how awesome it was, that this crystal was the coolest thing ever, to assure Morgan we were okay and most definitely traveling on the Old Road like he instructed us to. Instead I said, “We went into the Dark Woods and I almost had to get gay fairy married again and now I feel really bad and Ryan got bad-touched by trees and Fairy King Dimitri was cryptic and annoying and apparently has a size kink.”

Silence. Gary, Tiggy, and Ryan stared at me with wide eyes.

Morgan sighed.

“I feel better,” I told everyone. “Do you all feel better? I do. Honesty is like a balm to my beleaguered soul.”

“I don’t even know why I tell you what to do,” Morgan said.

“Because it makes you feel special?” I guessed. “Because you are.”

“You think I’m special,” he said flatly.

“Yes.”

He sighed again.

So I said, “How’s the castle?”

“You’ve been gone four days.”

“Things can happen in four days. Like… stuff.”

“Stuff?”

“Sure. You know. Things.”

“I’m still going to yell at you, Sam.”

“Dammit,” I said. “Are you sure? Because you don’t sound sure.”

“I tried to tell him no,” Ryan said. “But you know how he gets.”

“Do I ever,” Morgan said.

“Ha, ha,” I said with a scowl. “Are you guys finished? I would like you to be finished.”

“What were you thinking?” Morgan said, sounding slightly pissed.

And that made me angry. “I was thinking that I’m twenty years old and more than capable of handling myself,” I retorted. “I was thinking of the fact that it’s been days since Justin was taken. I was thinking that the quicker we moved, the quicker this would be over and everything could go back to normal.”

“But at what cost?” he asked. “I don’t even want to know how you got away from Dimitri this time. Last time was a fluke. What did you promise him?”

I blanked on that. “Nothing,” I said. “He let us go.”

“What? Why?”

“I asked him to,” I said. “And he did. And then he did his whole cryptic wood fairy thing.”

“You asked the fairy king to let you go and he did,” Morgan said.

“Yeah. He still wanted to marry me, but I convinced him I wasn’t right for him.”

“I don’t even know what to do with you anymore,” he said faintly. “Every time I think I’ve got you figured out or I’m even beginning to scratch the surface, you do something else that just contradicts everything I know.”

“You sound like that’s a good thing,” I said.

“Most of the time,” he agreed. “I don’t know if now is one of those times. I asked you to stay out of the Dark Woods, Sam. I wouldn’t have done so if I didn’t have explicit reasons.”

“Then explicitly explain them.”

“I didn’t think I had to. You killed a Dark wizard. They will want revenge.”

“And that’s it. That’s all it was.”

“Isn’t that enough?” He sounded annoyed.

“You’re not telling me everything,” I said. “And I don’t know why.”

“Even if I wasn’t, it’d be for good reason,” he said. “Not to mention the fact that you have other priorities right now. Not everything concerns you, Sam. You need to focus on the Prince and then getting to Randall. Nothing else. Are we clear?”

“Crystal,” I said. “We’re going to have a long talk later, you and I, about keeping secrets.”

“Are we?” he said. “I look forward to it.”

I debated keeping the whereabouts of Justin from him just for spite, but I wasn’t that type of person. Well. Not completely. “Dimitri told us where Justin is.”

“Of course he did,” Morgan muttered. “And he just volunteered up this information without asking for anything in return.”

“To be fair,” I said, “he probably felt bad about the tree molesting Ryan.”

“Everyone should feel bad about that,” Ryan said.

“I don’t,” Gary said.

“I don’t,” Tiggy said.

“I sort of do,” I said. “But not really.”

“I’m going to leave them here,” Ryan said, leaning over and speaking into the crystal. I tried not to even think about his breath on my hands.

“I don’t blame you,” Morgan said. “I’ve thought about it countless times. Where is he?”

“In a keep to the north. The fairy said it was forgotten. It’s in a valley outside of a village. Tarker Mills. I’ve never been there before. I don’t think I’ve even heard of it. And if they were having problems with a dragon, why has nobody spoken of it before? Surely they would have seen it coming and going.”

“That’s near the mountains,” Morgan said. “They grow corn. And no, you can’t sell them on the firework corn.”

“I wasn’t even thinking about it,” I said, even though I really was. A hamlet whose main crop is corn? It was destiny.

“I’ll see what I can find out about a keep,” he said. “I’m assuming there was a structure there at some point. A tower. A church. Something. Head to Meridian City. Check in at Old Clearing to make sure it was the dragon attacking the sheep and burning the earth. I want you out of those woods as soon as possible, Sam.”

“Because of your secret reasons,” I said. “Friends don’t keep secrets, Morgan.”

“Wizards do,” he said. “Stay safe. I’ll tell your parents you are alive and as foolish as ever. I’m sure they will be pleased.”

“Love you, boo,” I said.

He groaned before the crystal went dark.

I looked up at the rest of them. “Well, I think that went well, don’t you?”

“Morgan’s going to murder you when we get back,” Gary said.

I shrugged as I put the crystal back in the pack. “We won’t be back home for six months,” I said. “He’ll calm down by then.”

“He remembers long time,” Tiggy said ominously. “He remembers everything.”

“Nah,” I said. “We’ll just buy him some chocolates from that shop he likes or I can just alter his memories. Either way, we’ll be fine.”

“Candy or memory alteration,” Gary said. “Those aren’t extremes.”

“You’re extreme,” I said.

“Thank you.”

“Shut it. Let’s beat feet before it gets any later.” We started walking down the road. I only made it four steps before I realized we weren’t being followed. I glanced over my shoulder as Gary and Tiggy continued on.

Ryan stood where we’d left him, hands curled into fists at his sides.

“You cool?” I asked him as I walked back up to him.

“Six months,” he said, staring off over my shoulder.

“What?”

“You said you were going to be gone for six months.”

“Well, yeah. You knew this. I told you. And then you acted like a chump and didn’t speak to me for two weeks.”

“You never said how long. You said it would be for a while.”

“That is a while.”

“Why?” he asked, finally looking at me. There was something in his eyes I couldn’t quite figure out. The closest thing I could make it to be was anger, but that didn’t seem right.

“Why what?”

“Why do you have to go? What are you leaving for? Where are you going?”

I hesitated. This was dangerous ground. He knew nothing of cornerstones, much less the fact that he was one. I couldn’t tell him that he was a big part of the reason I was leaving, because the longer I stayed, the more difficult it would be as he didn’t belong to me.

“Away,” I said. “I’m going away because I have to. To learn better control of my magic.”

“Morgan’s your mentor,” he said, like he was trying to argue with me. “He can teach you.”

I shook my head slowly. “Not everything. Not this.”

He took a step toward me and his eyes were so green, like the trees in summer, and all I wanted to do was to tell him this. To tell him that when I stood by his side, I felt right. I felt even. My head was clear and my heart was clean.

He said, “What is this?”

A question that could be taken so many ways.

I took the easy way out. “It’s a wizard thing,” I said. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Where?” he said.

I looked away. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Randall,” he said.

I turned to walk away. And made it three steps.

“Sam.”

I didn’t turn back around, but I stopped.

“The King told me,” he said.

I said nothing.

“About what happened. About how you ended up at the sparring fields.”

“Ah,” I said.

“Is it true?”

“No,” I said. “I lied to the King because I could.”

“Don’t do that. Just… don’t. You deflect. You always deflect.”

“And you always jump to conclusions without having all the facts.”

“I didn’t mean—it just… he’s my—”

“I know,” I said, trying to put him out of his misery. “He’s yours.”

Silence. For longer than there should have been.

Then, “I’m sorry. I should have never—”

“I know,” I said and walked away.

Eventually, he followed.

 

 

DUSK WAS falling as Gary and I gathered firewood along the edges of the Dark Woods. Tiggy and Ryan were back at the river’s edge at the camp. Ryan said he wanted to bathe, and there was no way in hell I could be in the same vicinity as Ryan Foxheart with soap-slicked skin, so I immediately squawked and volunteered to get the firewood. Or, rather, that’s what I meant to say. Gary assured me as we walked away that it just sounded like I was barking.

We were slowly trudging our way back to camp when Gary said, “You and Knight Delicious Face okay?”

I opened my mouth to respond and everything came to a screeching halt when I realized that Gary had no fucking idea what Ryan was to me. I had never told him. I had never sat him down (as much as a unicorn can sit down) and said, “Oh, by the way, Ryan is my cornerstone and I can’t have him so we’re running away under the guise of needing to learn more control. Even though that’s sort of true because I can do things no other wizard can.”

Gary would be pissed at me for neglecting to share such important information. A pissed-off unicorn was something I didn’t want to deal with right then (or ever), and I reminded myself it didn’t matter in the long run anyway. Only Morgan and the King knew of what he was to me, and I was going to keep it that way. Either we’d go our separate ways eventually and Ryan would get married, or we’d get eaten by a dragon and the whole point would be moot. Funny how okay I was with impending death rather than telling my best friend I wanted to magically bond all over Ryan’s face. Or whatever.

“We’re fine,” I said. “I think. He was being an ass. I was being an ass. He apologized and I said okay and now we’re here.”

“Cool story, bro,” Gary said. “Now tell me the real version.”

I sighed. “He thought I took Justin out to the sparring fields, not the other way around. He accused me of being reckless and not giving a shit, and I overreacted because that’s what I do. He found out otherwise from the King, felt super bad, said sorry, and now we’re here.”

“What a dick,” Gary muttered and I immediately felt better, because that’s what best friends do. “Maybe we should have left him with Dimitri.”

“Right? And then I think he was mad when he found out how long we were leaving for. He acted weird after he heard me tell you it was going to be six months before we got back.”

Gary sighed. “I’m not even going to touch that one.”

“What?” I asked. “You think he’s mad we’re going to miss the wedding? I’ll be honest, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to be there. Even though I should be.”

“Yes,” Gary said. “That’s exactly why he’s pissed. Good job.”

“Whatever,” I groused. “I don’t even care.”

“Obviously. The level with which you do not care is astounding. It almost eclipses your awareness.”

“I don’t even know what you’re talking about!”

“Shocking.”

“You are a terrible best friend.”

“Bullshit. I am your everything.”

“How sad is that?” I sighed.

“Shush. Do you have enough wood?”

I leered at him. “I never have enough—”

“Gross,” he said. “Don’t do that. It’s rapey. How are you ever going to land a man if you’re rapey?”

“I can just marry Dimitri,” I said, starting to lead us back toward camp. “He has a size kink for me. And remember, apparently he has a tongue that I just wouldn’t believe.”

“Can you imagine? He’d have to be full-body hugging your penis just to jack you off.”

“I really wish you hadn’t said that. Now I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Don’t marry Dimitri,” he said. “You’re not meant to be a fairy queen. Not in the literal sense, anyway.”

“I don’t think that’s going to be a problem. I have a size kink too. Human size.”

“Ryan size,” he corrected.

“Remember when he would come within thirty feet of me and I would run away? Those were the good old days. Now I’m chasing dragons and getting blue balls.”

“Aww,” Gary said. “Do you need to go masturbate in the woods?”

“No.”

“I’ll cover for you. Go masturbate in the woods.”

“Gary.”

“Just a little. Just pull on it a little bit.”

“Gary.”

He sighed. “Chin up, kitten. We’ll get through this just like everyone else does. You’re not the first one to be stuck in a crapshoot. Pretty soon, you’ll look back on all this and wonder what all the fuss was about and say Ryan who? And then you’ll—holy mother of crap cakes in a shit storm, you will never get over him because of the sheer magnitude of all his perfections.”

I was feeling good about myself up until that last part. I turned to scowl at Gary, but his eyes were wide and staring over toward the river. I followed his gaze.

And.

Just.

Stopped.

There are moments in your life so profound, so extraordinarily crystal clear that even the remembrance of them is enough to feel like you’re being consumed by fire. Moments that might not mean much to anyone else, but mean the world to you.

I had these moments.

I was five and my mother was dancing to a song only she could hear.

I was seven and my father put his arm around my shoulders while we watched the sunset and waited for the stars to come out.

I was nine and I wished for something more.

I was eleven and Morgan held my hand for the first time.

I was fourteen when I stumbled upon a hornless unicorn and a crying half-giant.

I was fifteen when Pete whispered that his name was Ryan and he was to be a knight.

I was seventeen when I brought a bird back to life and I never told anyone about it.

I was eighteen when my mother cried and said I would always be her little boy.

I was twenty when Ryan stood at my side and my magic said finally.

And now. Now.

Now was Knight Commander Ryan Foxheart climbing slowly out of the river, water cascading down his body, dripping over miles and miles of muscle. He wore nothing but a thin, white undergarment that stuck and clung to his groin and thighs. He reached down, the muscles in his back flexing as he scooped up water in his hands and brought it up and over his head. His nipples were pebbled. His chest was covered in a smattering of wet hair. He was lines and corded muscle, definition and carved from stone. If I had let my eyes linger, I would have sworn I could see the outline of his cock through the wet fabric. My skin felt tight and flushed and I wanted. There was green and gold, and it was so fucking bright that I almost had to shut my eyes from the weight of it.

“I swear he’s doing this on purpose,” Gary whispered hotly.

“I swear I want to do him on purpose,” I breathed.

Gary choked and I didn’t care.

I would never have him. I knew this. It wasn’t meant to be.

But that didn’t mean I couldn’t be creepy and have this one fucking moment where I could pretend and wish and hope and dream and yes, now I had an erection and it was fucking awful.

“Do you see his stomach?” Gary murmured.

Of course I had. The thin line of hair that disappeared to his groin. The cut of the abdominals. Which were wet. Very, very wet. “I want to be the river,” I told Gary, sounding slightly hysterical. “I want to be the river right at this very moment.”

“Why is the sun setting so perfectly behind him?”

“Because the gods want to grace his shoulders with the fading light.”

“I want to grace his shoulders with my—”

I’ll never know what dirty thing Gary wanted to grace Ryan’s shoulders with. And I was totally okay with that. I was not okay with why I would never know.

“What you guys doing?” Tiggy said. Very, very loudly.

And the creepy voyeuristic bathing fantasy came to a grinding halt.

Ryan looked up.

Gary and I froze.

Tiggy cocked his head and waved.

“You okay, Sam?” Ryan asked, and his voice was husky.

So I blurted out, “I’ve got wood.”

Gary turned his head slowly to gape at me.

“Oh dear gods,” I muttered. Then louder, “Wood. I brought the wood. I’ve got so much wood. Wood. Fuck. Firewood. I’ve got firewood. For the fire. Because it’s going to get nipples out tonight. Cold. It’s going to get cold out tonight. Sweet molasses.” I bent down to pick up the firewood and stumbled, almost falling flat on my face. “Ha, ha!” I cried. “Whoops. I’m okay. Don’t mind me. Just feeling a bit weak in the knees. But not because of anything that’s happening right in front of me like thighs! No, sir. I’ve just got bad knees. But you don’t, do you? You’ve got… knees. Like. Knees. And I’ve got firewood. For the fire.” I bent down to pick up the wood, willing myself to just shut up, shut up! “Well. This has been erotic. Enlightening. Gods, this is enlightening. Like eye-opening. Nothing else!” I stood up, holding the firewood to my chest like it was supposed to block me from the glory that was Ryan Foxheart. “Oh my gods,” I whispered fervently. “I’m a Foxy Lady.”

“You’re a what?” Gary screeched.

“Nothing!” I shouted at him. “Nothing! No funny stuff. I am bringing wood for the fire and now you’re getting out of the river and why are you walking in slow motion? That’s… that’s just swell. Hell. That’s hell on, on, on your feet. Because of the river rocks.” And Ryan was smiling at me. Like I was amusing. “You’re so wet,” I told him unnecessarily.

He nodded as he stood on the riverbank. Then, never taking his eyes from me, he clasped his hands above his head and stretched his back. I immediately turned to Gary and whispered that I had a newfound fetish for armpits that I was just discovering and was quite unsure what to do with. Gary in turn said that they were obviously made for licking and I dropped the firewood again.

“Water feels good,” Ryan said. “Not too cold.”

“That’s wonderful,” I told him. “Just wonderful. I am so glad we’re both here and talking like we are right now.”

He grinned at me before turning around and bending over to pick up his discarded clothes.

“Dat. Ass,” Gary and I said at the same time.

Because it was a nice ass. Better than nice. It was a splendid ass. Superb, even.

“Bite it,” Gary whispered, pushing his head against my back. “For fuck’s sake, go bite it.”

“My mouth is not worthy,” I said.

“What was that?” Ryan asked, standing back up and looking over his shoulder. His awesome, awesome shoulder.

Gary said, “Sam wants to bite—”

“Some food,” I said, cutting in quickly. “I want to bite some food because I’m so hungry right now. And you should put on clothes.”

He looked down at himself, then back up at me. “Why? It’s just us out here.”

“And no one can hear you scream,” Gary supplied helpfully.

“We having naked time?” Tiggy asked as he started reaching for the ties on his pants.

“No!” I said. “No naked time. There is absolutely no need for naked time. In fact, we should put on all the clothes that we brought to be the opposite of naked.”

“I’m always naked,” Gary purred to Ryan. “And you’ll have to forgive Sam. He’s a little bit… frustrated. I told him he should just go into the woods and mastur—”

“Masticate,” I exclaimed. “He wanted me to go and chew food in the woods, but I said, ‘Why? Why do that? We can just masticate here. At the camp. With ourselves. Because that’s what normal people do.’”

“Riiiight,” Gary said. “Maybe you and Ryan can masticate together?”

“Or not,” I said as I ground my teeth. “I like to masticate by myself.”

“And you’re so good at it,” Gary said. “The up and down motions of your… jaw. And then, upon completion, you swallow. Right, Sam? You swallow, don’t you?”

“Of course I do,” I said, confused. What the hell were we talking about now? “I always swallow when I finish. What am I supposed to do? Spit it back out?”

Ryan tripped and fell back into the river.

We all stared at him.

He sputtered as he came out of the water. “Tripped.” He coughed. “On a rock.”

“Or something that rhymes with rock,” Gary said.

“You tripped on your sock?” I asked him.

Gary said, “I just don’t even know why I bother anymore. Tiggy, darling. Let’s let the mens take care of dinner. You and I can have naked time and frolic in the river now. Lose the britches. It’s time to make the humans feel inadequate.”

Tiggy crowed his pleasure as he dropped his pants.

I looked down and whispered to my penis, “It’s okay. I don’t think you’re inadequate. You’re special in your own way. Except when you betray me. Like right now.” Because Ryan was climbing out of the water again and I hated everyone and everything.

Sighing, I picked up the firewood and turned away.