CHAPTER 7

This Garden Made of You and I

 

 

“I CAN so totally explain,” I said when Morgan threw one of the newspapers at me the next morning. I was in the lab jotting down the Rock Column Thing (pending a new and much more awesome name) I’d done the night before into my Grimoire. I thought I’d gotten the basics behind it, but it would take time to go more in depth, and I’d only been at it an hour or so.

“Can you?” Morgan said lightly. But I was not fooled. He was pissed.

I looked down at the paper, the City of Lockes Gazette. They’d totally chosen to use a photo from when I was going through my awkward phase at sixteen when my face hadn’t quite decided if it wanted to be somewhat handsome or a complete train wreck. I wrinkled my nose. “That’s so not flattering. Gods, they did that on purpose.”

“Undoubtedly,” Morgan said.

I scanned through the article. “…filled out his outfit quite nicely… Well that’s super, I suppose. …accompanied by the dashing and immaculate Knight Commander Ryan Foxheart as his chaperone… What a bunch of kiss-asses. Dashing and immaculate? I am so going to make fun of him to his face for this. …on a date with Duke Todd Goldwaithe of the Goldwaithe Hotel conglomerate…. Not one mention about his ears? Travesty. …attacked out of nowhere by forty Dark wizards…. That’s just not true at all. Whatever happened to journalistic integrity? Excessive liberties, I must say. …took down the Dark army with a wave of his hand…. I suppose it was a wave. Little more complex than that. Way to marginalize. …while the Knight Commander looked on in beautiful astonishment…. What does that even mean? Did an editor even go through this? Come on. …they appeared intimate and comfortable as they stood side by side against the rising tide of Dark wizards. Could there be something there? This reporter won’t even begin to speculate, but yes. There probably is…. Oh boy. So, ha-ha, fun fact: I might have something to tell you in just a moment. Consider that a teaser, but you totally can’t get mad because it’s not my fault. …Earl Terrance Goldwaithe released a statement, saying damage is minimal and that he is pleased that his future son-in-law was able to defend the restaurant and his son…. Well that was nice of him. I will offer to cover the damages, of course, it’s the least I can do—and his future what-in-law?”

I might have screeched the last part as I continued reading.

“Earl Goldwaithe told this reporter, ‘Just how lucky is my son? I will never have to worry about his safety again. His husband-to-be can obviously handle anything thrown his way. I’m pretty sure little Todd will be in excellent hands, if you know what I mean.’”

Yeah, definitely screeching.

I looked back up at Morgan with panicked eyes.

His face was in his hands. He was moaning “My life, my life, my life.”

“I’m not marrying Todd!” I shouted at him.

Of course, that was the moment Gary, Tiggy, and my parents burst into the lab.

Gary said, “Why did I have to hear about your engagement from the cook?”

Tiggy said, “You still have flower or did Todd eat it?”

Dad said, “Are you sure, Sam? That was just the first date. At least go on one more before you propose. I’m sure he’s nice, but he can’t be that nice.”

Mom said, “Or fifty more. Or seventy. I feel really old today and that’s not a good feeling.”

I hit my head against my desk repeatedly.

“Sam,” Morgan said, pulling his face from his hands. “The Darks. Where are they? And why in the name of the gods did you not wake me the moment you stepped back into the castle?”

“Well, see, that’s a funny story,” I said.

“Is it?” he said. “Amuse me.”

He didn’t sound like he was in the mood to be amused.

“Okay. But, like, you need to listen to the whole thing first, before making judgments. And I know you, so I know your judgmental face. Yep. There it is. Right there. That face. Stop it.” He stopped. Sort of. “So, there I was, having a nice first date and did you know they have theme nights? And the theme was duck and blueberries. Or something. I don’t even know. But I’m allergic to those and then Ryan was going to force-feed me carbs, and Todd may have been under the impression that I was going to give him an accidental hand job, so when I spilled the water on him, he got all wet. And then Ryan had to be all, like, I’m a knight, you must listen to me and do what I say all the time everywhere ever, and I was, like, say whaaaaat? And then Todd got flustered because Ryan poked me with his sword, which is not dirty, by the way, and then four—and only four—Darks came in and they started to monologue! You know how I feel about that! But then they threatened Ryan with death and I was, like, bitch, please. You don’t know who you’re messing with. Oh, and they threatened Todd too. Can’t forget Todd! But they did know who they were messing with and they still decided to mess with us, and so I made rock rise from the ground and trap them completely and instead of bothering you because I know how cranky you get when you’re woken up, I had Pete come and take them to the dungeons, and they’re in the special cells that block their magic, so that’s good. And here we are now! All of us. Together. In the same room. This is nice. We should do this more often. So, good night!”

I ran for the door.

Morgan waved his hand.

It closed and locked.

“It’s ten in the morning,” he said.

“Motherfucker,” I sighed.

I turned back.

They all stared at me.

I waited.

Then:

“You gave him an accidental hand job?” Gary shrieked at me. “How did you do it accidentally?”

“That was long story,” Tiggy said. “I don’t know what happened.”

“I swear to the gods that only you find yourself in these situations,” Mom said, shaking her head. “Maybe I should have eaten more meat during the pregnancy. Did I fail you? Should I have eaten more yak?”

“Why would they have theme duck and blueberry nights?” my father asked. “That just sounds ridiculous.”

“It was,” I said. “Even the wine was blueberry.”

We both made faces because he was allergic too.

Morgan said nothing. Didn’t even have his judgmental face on.

I looked at the others. “Can you guys give us a bit? There are things Morgan and I have to discuss.”

They looked between the two of us, but eventually Mom herded them toward the door. The door opened and then shut behind them as soon as they’d gone through.

It locked again.

I gulped. “So, were you amused? You don’t look amused. You look—”

“Sam.”

I stopped talking.

We were quiet, for a time.

Then, “How long?”

“What?”

“How long did the spell take?”

“From inception to completion?”

He nodded once.

I frowned. “Five seconds. Maybe as much as ten, though not more.”

“And the words spoken?”

I winced. “Ah, see. Um. I didn’t actually say the words. I might have just… thought them?”

He went very still. “What words did you think?”

“Um. Tae. Dao. And there was some fie. Yeah. Definitely some fie.”

“Some fie,” he repeated.

“Yes.”

“Sam.”

“Yes?”

“There’s something else. That you haven’t said.”

I groaned. “Gods, I hate how you can do that. It’s creepy.”

He waited.

“Okay, so one of the Darks might have shot a blue fireball of doom at me and I might have absorbed it instead of deflecting it.”

“You did what,” he said. No inflection at all. It was really admirable. I wondered if that level of dryness came with age or merely having dealt with me for close to a decade. Probably a combination of both.

“Yeah. It was an ordeal.” I sighed the weary sigh of the put-upon.

“And your body didn’t reject it?”

I shook my head. “No. It felt strange at first, but then I felt it meld with my own magic and that was that.”

He stared at me.

I did my best not to fidget.

My best was not good enough. I started to fidget.

He said, “You could have been hurt.”

“I know.”

“You could have hurt others.”

“I know. But I didn’t. I wouldn’t. I’m not that kind of person.” I felt heart-stung at what he was implying.

“I know you’re not,” he snapped at me. “And I have never suggested otherwise. My gods, Sam. Do you have any idea what could have happened?”

I laughed bitterly. “Yes, Morgan. I am well aware. You don’t think I know? You’ve drilled it into me enough. How easy it is to be consumed by magic. How easy it would be to let it take over. Especially me. And don’t think I don’t know it. Don’t think I didn’t feel it when they stood in front of me, threatening Ryan, saying they were going to kill him. Don’t think I didn’t want to kill them right then and there, that I didn’t just want to wipe them from the face of the world so they could never make threats like that again. I could have turned that fire back on them. I could have pulled the rock over their faces and let them suffocate. I could have broken their beating hearts from their chests. So don’t think I don’t know. Because I do. I know. But I made a choice and I stopped them from hurting anyone.”

“And yourself and Todd,” Morgan said.

“What?”

“You said they threatened Ryan. Surely they threatened you and Todd too.”

“Of course,” I said quickly. “Yes. Todd and I were threatened as well. Poor Todd. With his ears.”

“But it was just Ryan that made you act.”

“What? No. Of course not.”

“So let me get this straight,” he said. “They threatened you and Ryan.”

“And Todd,” I said.

“And Todd,” he agreed. “And then you absorbed another wizard’s magic and called upon the earth and encased them in stone.”

“That’s about the gist of it.”

“Is it.”

“Yes.” I smiled at him.

“You said something earlier.” His look was calculating.

My smile faded. I hated calculating Morgan. “I said a lot of things earlier. It’s kind of my thing.”

Morgan said, “So, ha-ha, fun fact: I might have something to tell you in just a moment. Consider that a teaser, but you totally can’t get mad because it’s not my fault.”

“I really hate your photographic memory,” I said. “So, so much. And that voice you just used? If that was you trying to do an impression of me, I am insulted. I do not sound that high-pitched and whiny.”

“I was trained as a master impressionist,” he said, completely serious.

“Okay, so maybe I do sound that high-pitched and whiny. That’s disheartening.”

“I am devastated for you,” he said. “So. You teased me. Give me the rest. I wait with bated breath.”

“You can’t get mad,” I said.

“Whenever you start stories like that, I usually end up mad.”

“Crap.”

“Sam.”

There was no point trying to lie about it. Morgan would know. “I think Ryan might be my cornerstone.” I closed my eyes and waited for the yelling to commence.

It never came.

I gave it a minute, just to be sure.

Nothing.

I opened one eye. Then the other.

Morgan just looked sad. “Oh, Sam,” he said quietly.

That was worse than yelling. It was pity. And I hated pity. “I know, I know. It’s not… ideal. And it’s not… happening. I know. I know this. But you have to believe me when I say I didn’t know. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I was just there and he stood by my side and something just clicked in my head. And then when they threatened him, all I could think was how I would never let them do that. I would never let that happen. But it’s okay, because it’s not permanent. We’re not bound. I just need to keep my distance from him and find someone else. Todd is… nice. I’ll go on more dates with him. I’ll go on so many dates that you won’t even have to worry about it. You won’t even—”

“Sam.”

“Shit,” I muttered. “I fucked up. I’m sorry.”

He sighed. “You didn’t. It’s not as if you did it on purpose. That’s not how it works. You can’t force something like that.”

“I know. It’s just….”

“What?”

“It’s just of course it’s him. You know? The one person I can’t have. Of course. Because that’s how my life works.”

“There doesn’t have to be romantic involvement in a cornerstone, Sam. You know this as well as I do. Mine was certainly never romantic.”

“Because you’re asexual,” I said, treading lightly, because things made so much more sense now. Morgan never talked about the past, at least not something this personal. A wizard’s cornerstone is private. The details of the relationship are usually only for the two involved. Most were romantic, but not all.

“Yes,” Morgan said. “But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t love involved. Because there was. That’s something the Darks can never understand, which is why they have never subscribed to the idea of cornerstones. Their magic is erratic for a reason. They have nothing to build it off of. It’s also why they’re so dangerous. And here you are, wrapped up in five of them in the last week alone.”

“What can I say? They must like me.”

“Sam,” he said in warning.

“I don’t know!”

“It’s about the connection. I said it doesn’t always have to be sexual or romantic and I meant that. Mine… well. She was like me. Asexual. And I loved her very much.”

I held my breath, not wanting to break the moment.

He smiled, and for the first time since I’d known him, I saw a wistful curve to it. “She laughed at me when I told her what she was. What she did for me. I was seventeen at the time. She was almost thirty. An odd pair, we were. But we made it work. She helped me build the foundation I needed, and we were very happy. By the time she passed, my magic was solid and strong. The decades we’d spent together made sure of that.”

I felt the sting of tears at the softness of his voice. “What was her name?” I asked, my voice slightly rough.

“Anya,” he said.

“She sounds wonderful,” I said.

He reached over and patted my hand. “She was.”

“Maybe you could tell me more about her some day?”

“Sure, Sam. I think I’d like that. She would have loved you.”

“It can’t be Ryan,” I said quietly. “It can never be him.”

Morgan cocked his head at me. “And why is that, little one?”

“Because… I just.” I looked away. “It could never be… platonic. With him. From me. I would always… want. And that’s not fair to him. Or me. Because I can’t have that. And I would never do anything to hurt him or Justin.”

He grabbed my hand and held it tightly. “And Todd?”

I shrugged. “He’s nice.”

“And his ears.”

“His ears,” I agreed.

“But?”

“I don’t know. It doesn’t feel the same.”

“You can’t force it.”

“I know.”

“Maybe….”

I looked up at him. “Maybe what?”

“Maybe you need to get out of here for a while,” he said slowly. “Clear your head.”

I laughed. “You’d let me go out? After everything that’s happened in the past few days?”

“You’d have to stay away from the Darks.”

“Yeah. That’s a given.”

“And keep your magic under wraps.”

“I usually do.”

He nodded. “Okay. Let me do some digging.”

“Are you going to tell me where I’m going?”

He shook his head. “Not yet. You’re going to have to trust me on this. It’s probably time this happened anyway.”

“Oooh,” I said. “Ominous.”

He squeezed my hand again before he pulled away. “I’ll see to the Darks. I doubt we’ll get anything from them, but it doesn’t hurt to try. I want you to write a detailed account of what happened last night for posterity. It’ll help should there be… questions, down the road.”

The door unlocked and opened. He slipped through and it closed behind him.

 

 

I DIDN’T leave the labs until well past nightfall, not trusting myself or anyone around me not to say or do something stupid. Gary, Tiggy and my parents all knew me well enough to know that it was best to steer clear of me for a little while. I’d find them tomorrow and tell them what I knew. Well, most of what I knew. I didn’t think I needed to bring up the cornerstone thing again. That way lay heartache and misery, two things I could do without at the moment.

I detoured through the kitchens, grabbing some fruit and cheese as the cooks fussed over me. They gave me warm bread and milk and told me I was precious and handsome and I was so brave to have taken on an army of Darks with only a knight at my side. I told them that’s not what happened at all. They laughed and cooed at me, not believing a single word I said. I stuffed the cheese and bread in my mouth to avoid having to say anything further.

I went out to the gardens. The spring air was warm and redolent with my mother’s flowers. The lanterns were dark, but the moon and the stars shone down from above and fireflies flickered in and out, lighting my way.

I was in the deepest part of the gardens, a place where very few ventured. I considered it to be my own little secret, though others surely knew of it. Here the flowers were more experimental, more wild. They grew from the pots and plots, vines thick and thorns sharp. Had I been here in daylight, the flowers would have been open and wide. As it was, they were curled up against the dark, but that was okay. I wasn’t here for them.

I lowered myself to the ground and lay on my back in the grass. The night sky above was clear and bright, and while the moon was beautiful, yes, I had never been drawn to it. Not like the stars.

I had wished upon them as a child and had wished upon them as an adult. It was upon these stars that I had rested my hopes and dreams, my anger and frustrations. I wished because as a child, that’s what you’re supposed to do. You don’t know any better. I wished because as an adult, sometimes you don’t know what else to do. You know better, but you don’t care.

I could see the constellations of my childhood, and the stories that came with them: David’s Dragon. The Lightning-Struck Man. The Pegasus. Vhan’s Fury.

I hadn’t spoken to any of them in a very long time.

I said, “I don’t know what to do.”

Because I didn’t.

I was twenty years old.

I was son of Joshua. Son of Rosemary.

My best friends were Gary and Tiggy.

Somewhere inside of me was the capacity for great magic, both light and dark.

I was the apprentice to the prodigious Morgan of Shadows.

His magic was legendary. Had been for centuries.

And someday soon, I’d be stronger than him.

If I wasn’t already.

But he’d had his cornerstone at the age of seventeen. She’d helped him build his magic into what it was.

I couldn’t let myself go Dark.

Todd was… nice.

I liked his ears. His nervousness.

But he could never be my cornerstone. No matter how hard I wished it so. I could never twist and shape him into being what I needed. It wouldn’t be fair to him. Or to me. Especially if I ended up hurting him because I lost control.

And Ryan… well. That was always going to be a mistake. Because he was promised to another and regardless how I felt about the Prince of Douchedom, I would never do something like that to Justin. And not as if Ryan would anyway. He had a fucking prince. I was nothing more than an apprentice.

Justin looked like a god.

I looked like a peasant.

Justin was royalty.

I was from the slums.

Justin was—

“Oh my gods,” I groaned. “I am so pathetic.”

Fuck that, because that wasn’t who I was.

I was awesome.

I was epic.

I was a badass fucking wizard’s apprentice who would one day change the way people looked at magic.

I was going to rescue people from the slums and make their lives better.

I was going to open a shop where anyone got to come in and hug puppies for free and leave with a balloon, ice cream, and a compliment. “Here’s your pistachio cream. I made you a balloon animal in the shape of a walrus. You have very nice knuckles.”

I was going to finish my Grimoire, and five hundred years from now, people would be studying it and thinking to themselves, Wow. That Sam was pretty neat. I wish I could have been his best friend forever.

Because I was Sam of Wilds.

Maybe I didn’t look like I was a god.

(More like the gods had a sense of humor.)

But I could do things that were almost godlike.

I could create. I could rejuvenate. I could make something out of nothing because I was godlike—

Yikes.

“Curb the ego, Sam,” I muttered to myself.

But I was something, okay? I was. I’d come from a place where not much hope resided, and whether by accident or design, I’d changed the shape of my future and not just for me. For my mother. For my father. They had given me everything they had, and I was able to give them something back.

That should have counted for something.

And it did.

But still….

There was an ache in my heart.

To know my cornerstone was here and I could never have him.

It wasn’t the be-all and end-all.

There could be others.

I would find them. The one for me. It would all be okay.

And so I looked back up at the sky, took a breath, and wished upon the stars.

I wish I could find that one person made for me so that way I can show them why I was made for them.

Selfish? Maybe. Sad? Definitely. But I knew—

“Sam?”

I squawked attractively.

Okay. That was a lie.

There is no way to squawk attractively.

It was rather unattractive. Arms flailing, legs kicking. It was just awful.

“Didn’t mean to scare you,” Knight Ryan Asshole said, sounding amused.

I sat up and glared at him. “I wasn’t scared.”

“You screamed like a frightened little girl.”

“I squawked like an indifferent tall man.” Because that was a sound and logical argument. “What are you doing out here?” I hadn’t seen him since we’d been escorted back to the castle the night before by Pete, who’d kept laughing at me like I’d done something hysterical.

He shrugged and glanced away. He looked tired. He was dressed down more than I’d ever seen before, wearing trousers and a soft-looking tunic with embroidered edges. It was open at the throat, and my mouth went dry. “Just… checking things out.”

“Things.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yes, Sam. Things.”

“Well. I hope things are okay.” I paused. “Are they?”

“What are you asking?”

“Honestly? I have no idea. You startled me and my brain isn’t working yet.”

“Scared you,” he corrected.

“Ass. How did you know about this part of the garden?”

He fidgeted. “Well.”

I waited.

“Your mother… might have showed me?” He sounded embarrassed.

“Did she?” I said, already plotting revenge.

“A long time ago,” he said. He brushed a hand over the furled petal of an orange wildflower. “I needed it, I guess.”

“What? Why?”

“Said it was a good place to come if I ever needed solitude. It gets… loud. In the castle.”

“Understatement. Why do you think I was holed up in the labs all day today?”

“Yeah. Uh. About that.”

“It’s okay,” I said with a straight face. “I know it’s hard being dashing and immaculate.”

He groaned and buried his face in his hands. “Of course you saw that.”

“Do you ever go anywhere and not be dashing and immaculate? It must get tiring. You know. With all the dashing.”

“You think I’m dashing?” he asked, dropping his hands, eyebrows arching.

It was suddenly very hard to breathe as I realized he was towering over me and that my penis found that to be very attractive. “What? Just. What? Shut up. With your. Face.” Smooth. Real smooth. “Just quoting your adoring fans.”

“I don’t have fans,” he snapped.

“Wow. Bitchy. And wrong. You do. You have fans. They have clubs. Did you know that? There are actual legitimate Ryan Foxheart Fan Clubs in Verania. They meet and talk about your eyebrows and when it’s better if you part your hair left or right and how fantastic you look when you pose everywhere you go.”

“I don’t pose!” he said like it was the most outrageous thing he’d ever heard.

I pushed myself up off the ground. “First of all, lie. You totally do.” I lowered my voice just a tad to do an extraordinarily accurate impression of him. “Hi, my name is Ryan Foxheart. Oh no! There’s danger afoot! Let me pull out my sword and pose.” I mimed pulling a sword from my side and cocked an eyebrow. “Notice how dashing I am. And immaculate. And today, my hair is parted on the right. Wink.”

“Oh my gods.”

“Spot-on, right?” I thought about putting the sword away, but then I realized there wasn’t one and that I was still posing. I stopped that immediately. “I bet it was like looking in a mirror.”

He was flustered. It was awesome. “No. That’s not even close to what I sound like.”

“But the rest of it, then, huh? I knew it!”

He scowled at me. “You aggravate me.”

“I aggravate everyone. It’s part of my charm.” And this conversation was weird. I didn’t even know why we were having it. Why I was allowing it. I’d sworn to myself to stay far away from Ryan Foxheart until Morgan sent me out again. And yet, I’d left the labs for less than an hour and here he was. It was unnerving.

“I wouldn’t call it charm exactly,” he said.

“Oh? What would you call it?” I asked and thought, Walk away walk away walk away.

He didn’t answer. Instead, he said stiffly, “Todd seems… nice.”

And that was a change of subject I almost couldn’t follow. “Huh?”

“Todd,” he said slowly, as if I was an idiot. “Your fiancé.”

My eyes bulged. “My what now?”

The scowl deepened. “Your future husband. It was all over the news.” He looked angry, and I had no idea why.

“I’m not getting married!”

“Then why would they print that?”

“Because the freedom of press has gone too far in this country? I don’t know!”

“They can’t just print whatever they want!”

Poor, sweet foolish child. “Uh. Yeah. They can. It’s called sensationalism. They were calling you dashing and immaculate!”

“I am dashing and immaculate!”

“Aha!” I cried. “I knew you did that shit on purpose. Oh my gods. That’s so embarrassing for you. My impression was so right it’s not even funny. I am going to tell all your fan clubs.”

He grinned and it was evil. “And how do you even know about the fan clubs?”

ABORT. ABORT. ABORT. Because he didn’t need to know that I went to one once while in disguise. That was just ridiculous. And creepy. “Gods. It’s late. Look at the time. Actually, I can’t because I don’t have my watch. I assume it’s late. So.”

“It’s barely ten.” He took a step toward me.

“Late,” I insisted. “I’m tired. Someone decided to keep me out till the wee hours of the morning last night.”

“You were attacked,” he said, “by Dark wizards. Again.”

“It doesn’t happen as often as you might think,” I said, taking a step back. “I just have one of those faces that people want to shoot things at.” And I immediately made that dirty in my head.

“That’s one way of putting it.”

“Seriously,” I said, eyes wide. “You’re not even Queen Sass anymore. You’re like the God of Sass. You created all the sass the world knows. Why don’t more people know this? Instead of dashing and immaculate, they should be describing you as sassy and bitchy. I am going to write a letter to the editor first thing in the morning. It must be reported on immediately.”

“Maybe you can bring that up at the next fan club meeting too.”

“Hey! I don’t even know what you’re talking about, okay? I hear things when I’m on my travels. I don’t even care about stuff like that.” I cared so hard. I had actually gone three times to the fan club meeting. They knew me as Mervin. I had a backstory and everything. It was my turn to bring muffins next time. I was considering poppy seed. Or cranberry. Fun.

“So you’re not marrying Todd?” he growled, taking another step toward me. “That’s probably a good thing. He was going to kill you with ducks and blueberries.”

“I’m not. Trust me on that. I like his ears but really, that only goes so far.”

He grimaced. “You and his ears.”

“They stuck out. I thought they were adorable.”

“If that’s your qualifier for a relationship, then you’re screwed.”

“That’s the idea, isn’t it?” I said, trying to grin salaciously. I think I missed the mark and went directly to constipated.

He grunted and closed his eyes. “You can’t say stuff like that.”

“Why not? Gary says I’m a prude. I don’t think I am. I can talk about stuff like that. It’s not that hard. Or. Well. It could be. Ha! See? I just made a sexual pun, and everyone knows that sex puns are the highest form of humor. Fuck you, Gary! Sex and fucking and balls!”

Ryan actually took a step back at that one, which was good because somehow, he’d gotten really close. “Sam,” he hissed.

“Hmmm. Maybe you’re the prude. Dicks and fornication.”

“Sam!” He was turning red again, and my heart.

“What!”

“Don’t marry Todd,” he said. “When you marry, it should be for love. Nothing more. Nothing less.”

And that hit me right in the gut, because it couldn’t possibly be any clearer than that. “Ah,” I said through the blood roaring in my ears as I took a step back. “Congratulations.”

“For what?” He looked confused.

“For marrying Justin. You must love him very much. Right? That’s what you just said.” And I knew he was my cornerstone then because I wanted nothing more than to blow something up with a few choice words, but was able to stop myself. Hurray for personal growth and damning realizations.

He said, “Sam.” It was strained.

“What?”

“I don’t….” He looked away.

The mood had changed very quickly. “It’s okay,” I said brightly. Probably too bright. “When I get back, I’ll figure something out.” And, well. I hadn’t meant to say that.

So of course he pounced on it. “Get back?” he asked, snapping his gaze to mine.

“Uh. Yes? I mean. I’ll be going out again. For a while.”

His face went carefully and explicitly blank. “Oh. For how long?”

For as long as it takes to no longer hurt to have you this close.

I shrugged. “Don’t know this time. Will probably be awhile. Morgan’s sending me… away.”

“Where?”

“Sorry, Ryan. Doesn’t work like that. Wizarding business.”

He narrowed his eyes. “I’m the Knight Commander of the Castle Guard. You live in the castle. Therefore, you’re my business.”

That irritated the fuck out of me. “Even the King doesn’t always get to know what Morgan and I do,” I said. “Maybe you should remember that, Knight Commander.” Which was a lie. I pretty much told the King everything. Morgan would just smack me upside the head while the King laughed at me.

“And how long will it take for you to get captured again?” he said. “What then? Wait until I ride in to rescue you?”

I laughed at him. “Oh fuck off. You’ve never had to rescue me. Not once. As a matter of fact, if anything, I rescued you last night. You just stood next to me, all dashing and immaculate. Remember? While I had all the magic?” I wiggled my fingers at him.

And his eyes glazed over as he watched my fingers and said, “Ungh.”

I frowned. “What’s wrong with you?” I didn’t think I’d accidentally cursed him.

“Nothing,” he said in a rough voice. “Just. Lightheaded. It’s fine.”

“If you’re sure.”

And then we just stood there.

I didn’t know if we were fighting or not. I thought I was mad, but I also thought I was really turned-on. I wondered if those were sort of the same thing. And while I knew why I was turned-on (I mean, hello, proximity: he was like right there and I could smell him), I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what I was supposed to be mad about.

“These are very confusing times,” I said.

“No shit,” he muttered.

“No cursing,” I scolded him. “You’re a knight. You don’t get to do that. You gave up that right when you swore your oath to the King. You have to lead by example now. So say stuff like ‘fudge toast’ and ‘mothercrackers’ instead of ‘shit whore’ and ‘fuck storm.’”

“I can assure you I have never felt the need to say shit whore or fuck storm in my life,” he said.

I gaped at him. “But you just did. There are little girls in your fan clubs! They are young and impressionable.” And they could be very mean, I knew from the eight times I’d gone to the meetings. Well, one of them was mean, anyway. She told me that I obviously knew nothing about Ryan Foxheart because his favorite color was burgundy and he one day dreamed of owning a sheep farm. Her name was Tina and she was a bitch, and I hated her stupid face. His favorite color was scarlet, and he wanted to open a bakery.

(Really, none of that was true. It was just the sort of things we discussed in the meetings.)

He grinned at me again, and the butterflies in my stomach turned into dragons and laid waste to my innards.

“Not that I would know,” I said quickly. “I just assumed that only little girls would go to those things. Right? Because anyone else would just be weird.” Very weird. Also, I’d been to sixteen meetings and I was thinking of running for fan club treasurer next time. There was already a girl in place named Deidre, but I would destroy her in the next round of elections. She was twelve. I was a wizard. I couldn’t lose. “Look. This has been… fun.” Lie. This had been nerve-racking and I needed to go masturbate. “But I have to go. I’ve got stuff to do before I head out again.” Masturbate. “Wizard stuff. Like… secret wizard stuff.” Masturbate.

Ryan’s smile faded. “You’re really leaving?”

I sighed. “It’s… complicated. It’s better this way.”

“For who?” he asked.

“It doesn’t matter,” I said quietly. “Ryan. Look. It’s…. For what it’s worth, I’m glad we’re friends now. Right? We’re friends?”

He looked down at the ground. “Yeah, Sam. We’re friends.”

This made me happy, even if it felt bittersweet along its edges. “Good.”

He looked back up at me, and there was something akin to desperation in his eyes. “You just… you have to come back. Okay? You have to.”

I was shocked. “I will? Er. I will. I’m going to be the King’s Wizard, after all. To your husband.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I know. When will you leave?”

“Soon,” I said. “A week. Maybe a little more.”

He nodded tightly and turned to walk away. He made it a few steps before he stopped again. He looked up toward the stars above and I followed his gaze.

He said, “I wish—”

And I said, “Don’t.”

He turned back to look at me.

Everything hurt. “You can’t,” I managed to say. “You can’t say your wish out loud. Not when you look up at the stars. If you do, it won’t come true. And I can’t… I can’t allow that to happen to you.”

He watched me.

I watched him back.

Finally, he looked back up to the stars and closed his eyes, and I knew he was making his wish. I hoped that whatever it was, that it would one day come true.

When he was done, he opened his eyes and I couldn’t look away.

But that’s okay because neither could he.

And right then, I hated that we were friends.

It was easier to watch him leave when he didn’t know I existed.