CHAPTER 25

Stories from the Journey Home

 

 

THEY LEFT early the next morning.

I told them to be careful.

Justin scoffed and took Ryan’s hand in his.

Ryan nodded but didn’t look at me.

I wanted to tell him I didn’t regret a single thing.

But I didn’t.

I watched the road long after they’d disappeared.

 

 

“WHY DON’T we just fly home?” Gary asked. “It’d only take a few days.”

“Humans don’t ride upon my back,” Kevin said. “It’s racist.”

Gary swooned.

 

 

“ARE YOU sure?” I asked Kevin that first night after Justin and Ryan had left. We were at the top of the keep again. Gary and Tiggy were below us, looking through the books to see if there was anything of value that we could take. Mostly, it was explicitly detailed pornography, describing sexual acts that made even Gary blush. (“Triple penetration? My gods, your asshole would be like a cave entrance after that.”)

“About?” Kevin asked, tail twitching. His black scales looked luminous in the moonlight.

“Going with us.”

“Are you questioning a god?” he asked. “Spake der truth, hoominz.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, that doesn’t quite work on me.”

“Had to make sure. It was nice while it lasted.”

“And then you ate her.”

He grimaced. “Not my finest moment. But she was a threat and now she’s not, so I guess it worked out in the end. And eventually, she’ll work her way out of my end. Ironic, don’t you think?”

“Ugh,” I said.

“Indeed.”

“She was a threat to you?” I asked.

“Well, yes. And to you. And Gary. And Tiggy. Since we don’t like Ryan and Justin, we won’t count them.”

“You defended us,” I said, surprised.

“Why wouldn’t I?” he asked.

“Why would you? I’m a wizard. You hate wizards. You don’t even really know us.”

“Are you a good person?”

“Uh. I think so? Most of the time.”

“And Gary and Tiggy are good?”

“Yes. Better than me, for sure.”

“There you go,” he said, as if it were nothing.

“You’re very strange,” I said after a while.

“Dragons usually are,” he said.

“But.” I hesitated, unsure of my place. “You said that you’d never met any other dragons.”

“We’re giant lizards that fly and breathe fire,” he said. “That’s strange in itself. I’m just generalizing.”

“There are others, you know.”

“I know,” he said quietly. “Maybe one day I’ll meet them.”

“But not today?”

“Not today, pretty.”

It was nice, though my heart was breaking. It was nice sitting out in the spring night air where just twenty-four hours ago, I’d discovered what Ryan Foxheart tasted like, sweet and clean and warm. It was nice. All of this was nice.

“Why’d you come here?” I asked him.

“Because I could.”

“Where did you come from?”

“Far away.”

“What were you looking for?”

“A place to call my own.”

“Dragons are frustrating,” I said, because I could.

“Are they? You know many of them?”

“No. But if you’re anything to go by, it’s not that broad of a generalization.”

“I’ve seen things,” he said. “Many different things. There are lands far away from here that you couldn’t even possibly dream of. I’ve seen cliffs of ice so tall they disappear into the clouds. I’ve seen flowers deep in jungles that eat everything that happens by them. I’ve seen the hearts of men, the darkness that lies within. I’ve been captured by wizards who wanted nothing more than to spill my blood to make their spells. I’ve seen people cower in fear at the mere sight of me. I’ve seen a city that floats in the clouds and the beings that live there have translucent skin and cannot speak for they have no mouths. I’ve seen a volcano erupt during a lightning storm, ash in the sky as the mountain explodes. I’ve seen many things, pretty.”

“I don’t understand,” I said.

He sighed. “I’ve seen many things. Both good and evil. Majestic and destructive. Stars falling from the sky and a man whose tattoos moved across his skin as if they were alive before he tried to rip one of my hearts from my chest. I have seen many, many things. But I have never seen one look at another the way the knight looks at you.”

I said, “Don’t.”

“Why?” he asked. “Because you don’t believe it or you don’t want to hear it?”

I said, “Just. Don’t.”

He looked up at the night sky, scales glittering. “Everything is so vast. It’s humbling to remember just how small we really are.”

I followed his gaze skyward. The stars were so bright tonight.

He said, “I left to find a home. To find a place I could call my own. To feel safe for the first time in my life. I didn’t think I would ever actually find it.”

“And you have now?”

“You’re not going to hurt me?”

“No, I would never hurt you.” I paused, considering. “Unless you tried to get all up in my business again. Then I make no promises.”

He laughed. It was low and gravelly, and I thought I could listen to it for a very long time. “If I get all up in your business again, it’ll be because you invited me in.”

“So never, then.”

“Promises, promises.”

“You feel safe with us,” I said.

“Yes, pretty.”

“Why?”

“Because of how you and Gary and Tiggy care about each other.”

“They’re dicks,” I said.

“Oh?”

“But so am I. We fit. They’re my friends.”

“I noticed.”

“You’re a dick too,” I said.

“Thank you, pretty,” he said with a toothy smile.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“For what?”

I shrugged. “For whoever hurt you. It wasn’t right. No one should ever have to go through that.”

“You’re an odd one, aren’t you?”

“Yeah. Probably. Enough people tell me as much.”

“That’s not a bad thing.”

“Most times.”

“I’m sorry I tried to burn you and broke your ice spell and then knocked you through the side of a building.”

“It was a shed.”

“Still. I feel real bad about that.”

“Do you?”

“Sort of. You have to admit I looked pretty badass doing it, though.”

I groaned. “Yes. You crested the hill and your wings were billowing. I can’t billow anything.”

“You can billow me anytime you want,” Kevin said.

“Um,” I said. “Ew. And also, that didn’t make sense. But ew. Because of that thing you do with your tongue.”

“What thing?” he asked, flicking it at me again.

“Argh,” I said. “My life.”

He laughed and it faded into the night and we just sat there, the dragon and I, lost in our own thoughts. I tried not to think about Ryan, but it was an impossible task and one I wasn’t quite ready yet to accept. I wondered how long it would hurt for. I wondered how long it would take my heart to heal.

I thought about wishing on the stars for the pain to go away, but I couldn’t.

Not yet.

“He doesn’t deserve you,” Kevin said fiercely, breaking the silence.

I closed my eyes. “Yeah.”

“Gary told me. What a cornerstone was. He doesn’t deserve the title and he doesn’t deserve you.” He sounded resolute. More so than I could ever be.

“One day I’ll believe you,” I said.

I felt him curl his tail around me. I waited for the moment it would become inappropriate, but it never came. He curled it around me and pulled me closer. His skin and scales were hot to the touch. It almost felt safe. “And one day,” he said quietly, “maybe I could be there to tell you I told you so.”

They were hesitant, his words. As if he feared rejection. So I said, “Yeah. I think you could be.”

I could hear his smile. “Tell me about your city, then,” he said. “Are there people there who will make a cult for me?”

And so I spoke into the night, telling him of the City of Lockes. Of the streets and alleyways. Of the markets and the slums. Of a Good King. Of my kind parents. Of my brother-uncle-father Morgan. I fell asleep in the middle of describing the way the sun hit the castle walls and I dreamed of home.

 

 

“I CAN’T leave everything,” Kevin growled at me the next day. “This is all my stuff.”

“We can’t carry hundreds of pounds of gold and jewels,” I reminded him. “Or thousands of books. Or your completely random collection of forty-seven push brooms that I don’t even want to ask about. Kevin, I’ll be honest with you. I think you’ve got a problem.”

His eyes narrowed. “What problem?”

“You’re a hoarder.”

“Uh, no shit. I’m a dragon.”

“No, but, like, you really hoard.”

“I like shiny, pretty things!”

“Push brooms aren’t shiny or pretty.”

“You shut your whore mouth,” Kevin snarled.

“Oh boy,” Gary said. “This is going to get awkward.”

“I like brooms,” Tiggy said. “We take brooms?”

“No brooms,” I said to Tiggy.

His shoulders slumped. “Tiggy never gets anything,” he muttered.

“Oh my gods,” I said. “You are like the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. Damn you, Tiggy. You can take one broom.”

“Seven brooms,” he said.

“Three.”

“Two,” he countered.

“I don’t think you’re doing it right,” Gary said fondly.

“One,” he shouted. “One broom!” He cackled and ran toward the brooms.

“See?” I said to Kevin. “Compromise.”

“Okay,” Kevin said. “Here is my compromise. I take all my stuff and I won’t burn your face off.”

“You can’t compromise with violence.”

“I’m a dragon,” he said. “I can do pretty much anything I want.”

“We can’t carry all this with us,” I said.

“I can make multiple trips,” he said. “I’ll fly back and forth while you guys walk back to the castle.”

“Oh,” I said, sighing more heavily than the situation required. “I guess this stuff is important, especially if you’re willing to leave Gary unprotected all that way. With all the dangers. And the murderers.”

“What?” Gary said.

“The murderers?” Kevin whispered.

“The murderers,” I whispered back.

Kevin gasped and brought his front claws to his chest. “I would never leave him unprotected! Especially not from murderers. You, sir, are a villain for even suggesting as much! He is my fire, the reason for which my hearts beat, the…”

“I hate you so much, Sam,” Gary muttered.

“…very air that fills my lungs, the sun rising in the morning, the moon rising at night, the reasons there are birds in the sky and flowers in the fields…”

“Shouldn’t have left that pile of stones near my head, motherfucker,” I whispered to Gary. “Payback, Wilds style.”

“…the way the light refracts off a river’s surface, the reason golden leaves fall from trees! He is responsible for the sweet breeze of spring and the lovely bite of winter…”

“Yeah,” I said. “I don’t think he’s done any of that.”

“All of it,” Gary said. “I’ve done all of that. Biting winter and moon leaves or whatever. I’m pretty much amazing.”

“So you can’t leave him unprotected,” I said. “Someone might steal him away and make him a dancer in a burlesque.”

“Wait, wait,” Gary said. “You never said there’d be a burlesque involved. Just how big are the production values? How much say would I get to have in the direction of the show?”

“Minimal,” I said ominously. “To both.”

Gary whirled on Kevin. “You better not even consider leaving me to get kidnapped into some cut-rate high school production of a sex show. I swear to you on all I have, you will never get to sample all of Gary’s goods because the bakery will be closed, and girl, let me tell you. My muffin is delicious.” He licked his lips obscenely.

“Scarred for life,” I breathed. “This was a very bad idea.”

“Muffin?” Kevin asked.

“Delicious,” Gary purred.

“But… but…,” Kevin sputtered. “My stuff.”

“We come back for it,” I said, trying to get the image of Gary as a large baked good out of my head. “Eventually.”

“Or,” Kevin said, “I can carry Gary with me and make return trips.”

“Gary don’t fly,” Gary said, a shimmer of glitter around him. “Don’t make Gary show you what’s up.”

“All my stuff,” Kevin said mournfully, rubbing his claws over his treasures. “All my pretty, pretty things.”

“We’ll come back,” I said, daring to reach out and touch his leg. “I promise.”

“But what if someone steals it?”

“You mean like you did?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said, completely oblivious. “Exactly like that.”

“They won’t,” I said. “You’re a god, remember? They wouldn’t dare. You’d eat them.”

“Because dis is yer god spakin—”

“Sure,” I said. “Why not.”

“Fine,” he finally grumbled. “But if anyone even thinks of touching my hoard, I will find them and light them on fire and their children and their children’s children…”

“This is going to go so well.” I sighed.

“…and their children’s children’s children….”

 

 

I THOUGHT to leave the next day.

But I couldn’t take the chance that we’d catch up to Ryan and Justin.

So I delayed.

I said I wasn’t quite ready to leave yet.

I said that Kevin needed more time to say good-bye to his possessions.

I said Gary needed more time to rest his thighs.

I said that Tiggy needed more time to recover from laying waste to Tarker Mills.

They knew what I was doing.

But they didn’t call me on it.

“Sure, Sam,” they said.

“Okay, Sam,” they said.

And so we waited.

 

 

AND ON the seventh morning after Ryan and Justin left, we stood in front of the keep: a dragon, a hornless unicorn, a half-giant, and a brokenhearted wizard’s apprentice who was still kickass but super sad about stupid boys and their fucking faces.

“And let the adventure begin!” I said, trying to sound jubilant.

“Hurray,” Gary said. He did not sound jubilant.

“So many brooms,” Tiggy said, carrying one broom.

“This sucks,” Kevin muttered, glancing back forlornly at his keep. “The things I do for love.”

“Lust,” Gary said.

And we started walking back to Castle Lockes and an uncertain future. Toward the unknown. Toward heartbreak and—

“Shit,” Gary said. “I forgot my scarves.”

“Gary,” I said through gritted teeth.

“What?” he said, sounding defensive. “You know I can’t go anywhere without my scarves. What of the wind-rape?”

“Why were your scarves even out?”

“Er.”

“We were trying to see which ones could be used to tie him up,” Kevin said. “For sexual things. Spoiler: it was all of them.”

“Oh my gods,” I gagged. “Stop it. Go get your fucking scarves.”

“I’ll go!” Kevin cried joyously, already turning around.

“You stay right where you are,” I snapped. “You just want to go back and look at your treasures.”

Kevin pouted and refused to look at me.

“Tiggy,” I said, trying to keep my voice even. “Would you go get Gary’s scarves? Please.”

“Take my broom?”

“Yes. You can take your broom.”

“Take my broom,” he said.

 

 

Six minutes later.

 

“AND THE adventure begins,” I said and took a step.

“Tiggy,” Gary said. “Tiggy, dear. Did you repack your pajamas?”

Tiggy hung his head. “No. I forgot.”

“For the love of fuck—”

“No need for that kind of language,” Gary sniffed. “It’s unbecoming on a lady of your station.”

“Gaaaaah!”

“I’ll get them!” Kevin said as he stomped toward the keep.

 

 

Three hours and forty-six minutes later.

 

“…BUT IT’S all my stuff. You don’t understand!”

“I will leave your ass here,” I threatened.

“Sam’s just upset because he doesn’t have—”

“Gary, you do not want to finish that sentence.”

“—scarves or pajamas or brooms or piles of gold,” Gary finished anyway. “What? I’ve told you. You’re not intimidating. I’ve slept near you while you’ve had wet dreams. That sort of takes away any fear you might have engendered in me. Especially when it sounded like you were muttering about being spit-roasted.”

“Really,” Kevin said gleefully. “I’m sure we can work something out—”

“AND THE ADVENTURE BEGINS!” I roared.

They were quiet as we walked out of the valley. It felt good.

Then, “So, Kevin. Have you ever played I Spy?”

“No, my sweet lovedrop. But I assume we role-play spies, go on dangerous missions until we double-cross each other. Sexually.”

This was going to be the longest trip of my life.

 

 

Fifth day on the road.

 

“WHAT DO you mean everyone knew?” I said incredulously.

“Exactly that,” Gary said. “Everyone knew that you were in love with Ryan and Ryan was in love with you. Everyone, Sam. Literally everyone.”

“That’s not true! And he doesn’t love me.” It was easier to convince myself of that than know the truth.

“You two couldn’t have been more obvious if you had made signs and hung them around your neck that said HaveHeart4Evah.”

“Mom didn’t know.”

“Yes she did.”

“Dad didn’t.”

“Uh. Yeah. He did.”

“Kevin didn’t.”

“Yes I did. You sighed when he rode up on Gary. Like, full-on dreamy sigh.”

“Sam,” Gary said. “Everyone knew. Random strangers. Dark wizards. Gay fairies. Drag queens. Bards. Elves. Townspeople. Cults. Everyone.”

“I’ll be honest,” I said. “That’s rather embarrassing. And also? So many remarks make much more sense now. I really need to be more aware of my surroundings.”

And then I walked into a large boulder.

“Oh, honey.” Gary didn’t miss a beat. “It was embarrassing for all of us.”

 

 

The ninth night.

 

“I JUST didn’ unnerstan, ya know?” I slurred. I reached down and knocked back the rest of my wine. The tavern was loud around us. “You wanna be with someone, so why not just be with them? I mean, seriously. Right? Come on. Just. Just be. Ya know? I mean, there’s ways to be stuff. Together. I didn’t even know, ya know? And then the corn told us the truth and I was like… just. There, man. I was just. There. I don’t know. Refill, barkeep. Yeah, I’m talking to you. All right! Ha, ha! No, don’t be stingy. Fill it alllll the way up. That’s nice. Keep the tab flowing. Or open. Whatever. Words are hard. This wine is good. Wine! Get in my mouth, wine! Ha. I’m wining and whining. What was I saying? Oh. Right. Ya know? So he was all, like, I love you, babe, but I promised my dick to the stupid fucking Prince. And I was all, like, Shoot, girl, I don’t even need you. I got this. I’m my own man. Ya know? And he was all, like, But, babe. You make me feel so alive. I’m not dashing or immacular. Immaculen. Immaculy. But babe. I’m not dashing or awesome without you. And I was all, like, Shoot, girl. Shut up. Ya know? I don’t know. And now we’re going to go back to the castle and they’ll be wedding each other. And I’ll have to be there. Who… who does that? Ya know? Like. Who does that? Jerks is who does that, that’s who. Jerks. And I have to be in the wedding, ya know? They’ll be all happy and stupid and I’ll be—holy crap I love this song. Play it louder! PLAY IT LOUDER! Yeah. Whoo! Don’t you feel like dancing? I do. Not like waltz dancing because that’s just stupid. Even if it’s three times, ya know? Waltzing for three times with a single person means nothing. I did it twice with Todd and he had these ears that were just. Ya know? And so what if I accidently gave him a hand job. So. What. I bet I’d give good hand jobs. I don’t have any complaints about the hand jobs that I do to myself. In fact, I would so far as to say they’re pretty darn good, ya know? The right amount of grip and everything. And when I’m done? You know what I do when I’m done? I thank myself because I am a considerate lover, okay? Ya know? I’m nice when I finish. I tell myself how good it was for me, didn’t I think so? Barkeep! Bar. Keep. Fill me up. Just leave the bottle. It’s easier. Where was I? Oh. Right. So I didn’t even want to go to the Ryan Stupidheart Fucker Fan Fucking Club meeting to begin with, ya know? I went because I was just checking to make sure there were no spies or whatever. No one to infiltrate the castle or whatever. Tina, man. Tina would infiltrate the castle, ya know? Because she’s just…. Gods. She thinks my muffins are dry as my conter… constant. As dry as my consternation. Or whatever. My muffins aren’t fucking dry, Tina. Ya know? That’s what I say to her and she’s all like. Like. Like, Mervin. She said. She goes, Mervin. You make me mad because you’re all witty and awesome and so fucking cool and I’m not because I’m a teenage bitch who wants to play with Ryan’s dong. Or whatever. Ya know? I mean. Who does that? Right? Who does that? Sorry. Sorry. Man. Sorry. What’s your name again?”

The elderly woman I was talking to stared at me. “Um. You just sat here and started talking and never asked me for my name.”

“Oh. That’s cool. Or whatever. Your name’s not Ryan is it, because that would fucking suck.”

“No. Um. My name is. Um. Betty?”

“Betty! Bet. Tee. Hey. Hey barkeep! Get my friend Betty here another drink, would you? She’s. She’s my friend, ya know?”

“Oh my goodness,” Betty whispered.

“It’s cool,” I told her loudly. “They know me. I come here all the time.” I leaned over to her and whispered, “I’ve never been here before. They have no idea who I am.” And then I winked at her. “Gods,” I said, trying to keep my eyes from crossing. “You’re cute for a lady who is older and a lady. Like a sexy grandma. Do you. Like. Do you want to go? I don’t know. Play cards or. Something. Like braid hair and shit. I don’t know. Ya know?”

“No,” Betty said. “No. I just want to eat my dinner, but you’re leaning in it with your elbows.”

“Oh no! Oh my gods. Betty. Betty. I’m so sorry. I’m so—are you eating pasta?”

“I was. Um. Trying to?”

“And my elbows were in it?”

“Um. Yes?”

“So. Would you say it’s… elbow macaroni?”

“No. Um. It’s… spaghetti? So. It’d be… elbow. Spaghetti?”

“That’s not a thing,” I told her. “Elbow spaghetti. What even. Gods, you’re so weird. I’m going to go sleep. Thank you for inviting me to your birthday party. Bye.”

And then I passed out.

 

 

The tenth morning.

 

“OH MY gods,” I moaned as I dragged my feet down the road. “Kill me now. Or kill the sun. I don’t care which.”

“Someone learned a lesson last night,” Gary said, sounding way too chipper while I was obviously dying.

“Was that before or after he woke up in a bowl of noodles?” Kevin asked. Like a jerk.

“Spaghetti face!” Tiggy cried. “Wizard Spaghetti Face.”

“He capitalized it,” Gary said. “Now it’s forever.”

“That’s a stupid fucking rule,” I grumbled.

 

 

The thirteenth night.

 

“SO,” GARY said. “Kevin and I. Need to go into the forest. For. Food.”

I stared at the both of them. “For food.”

“Like. Berries. Or something.”

“Berries,” I repeated.

“Yes,” Kevin said. “So we can have fruit for breakfast.”

“Berries.”

“Forest berries,” Gary said. “From the forest.”

“Fine,” I said. “I’ll take the first watch. Don’t take long.”

An hour later, things got gross.

I was lying by the fire listening to Tiggy snore next to me and watching the stars above when I heard it echoing through the trees.

At first, I thought it sounded like a ghost eating feral cats.

And then I thought it might have been monkeys fighting with peeled, wet oranges.

But then I heard, “OOOOH, KEVIN. OH. MY. FUCKING. GODS. HOW LONG IS YOUR TONGUE?”

And I said, “Nope. Nope, nope, nope.”

“OH, MY LOVE, YOU TASTE LIKE THE FINEST AMBROSIA. I WANT TO DRINK YOU DOWN MY THROAT.”

I threw up a little bit in my mouth.

“HOW CAN YOU EVEN BEND LIKE THAT?”

“GARY. GARY. YOU MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE AND I WANT TO DO THINGS TO YOUR ANUS.”

“Please make this just be a nightmare,” I whispered. “I’m begging you.”

“YOU CAN DO ANYTHING TO MY ANUS.”

“WHO’S BEEN A BAD UNICORN? HAVE YOU BEEN A BAD UNICORN?”

“Please say no,” I said. “Please say no.”

“YES. YES. I’VE BEEN SUCH A BAD UNICORN.”

“Whyyyyy?” I moaned as I pulled my blanket over my head.

“BAD UNICORNS GET PUNISHED. DID YOU KNOW THAT?”

“YES! YES, I KNEW!”

“YES, WHAT?”

“HUH? YES, WHAT WHAT?”

“NO. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SAY YES, SIR.”

“OH. WE’RE REALLY GOING THERE?”

“Don’t go there,” I muttered rocking back and forth. “Don’t go there.”

“WELL, YEAH. IF YOU’VE BEEN A BAD UNICORN. THAT’S KIND OF THE RULES.”

“WHOSE RULES?”

“KEVIN’S RULES FOR A GOOD BOUT OF FUCKING.”

“He shouldn’t follow those rules,” I told a sleeping Tiggy.

“OH. OKAY. I GUESS I CAN DO THAT. IT’S BEEN A WHILE. MY SAFEWORD IS MURIEL. MY WORD TO GIVE ME A MOMENT TO BREATHE IS FONDUE. MY WORD TO KEEP ON GOING BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS AMAZING IS SAM.”

“Oh, come on!” I said into my hands.

Monkeys renewed their wet orange fight with feral-cat-eating ghosts.

“WHO IS MY BAD UNICORN?”

“I AM, SIR. I AM YOUR BAD UNICORN. SPANK ME WITH YOUR MOUTH.”

“IS THIS OKAY? DOES THIS FEEL GOOD?”

“SAM. SAAAAAAAM. I AM SO SAM RIGHT NOW.”

“This is not okay,” I cried. “Nothing about this is okay.”

Tiggy continued to snore.

“YOU NAUGHTY UNICORN. I’M GOING TO HAVE TO TEACH YOU A LESSON IN RESPECT.”

“MAKE ME RESPECT YOU SO HARD. SAM, I AM. SAMSAMSAMSAM. I AM—WHAT IS THAT? IS THAT YOUR PENIS? HOLY MOTHER OF THE GODS, I DON’T KNOW IF THAT IS GOING TO FIT IN ME.”

“Cheesy dicks and candlesticks and everything you need!” I tried to sing. It came out broken and sounding like I was dying. Because I was.

“OH, THANK YOU, MY HEART. IT’S ALWAYS AFFIRMING WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU YOUR COCK IS BIGGER THAN ANYTHING THEY’VE EVER SEEN.”

“UM. I DIDN’T QUITE SAY IT LIKE THAT. SIR. OOOOOH. I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD DO THAT. I AM SO FUCKING SAM RIGHT NOW. I AM THE SAMMIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN. SAM ME ALL YOU WANT, YOU DIRTY BASTARD.”

It went on for another four hours.

 

 

The fourteenth morning.

 

“BERRIES?” TIGGY asked as he looked down at his oatmeal.

“We couldn’t find any,” Gary said.

“We looked long and hard,” Kevin said. “Very long. And very hard.”

I let out a wail because why did this have to happen to me?

“Sam?” Gary asked. “You okay? You look… clammy.”

“I’ve heard things,” I whispered, clutching my hands at my chest. “I’ve heard things.”

“What things?”

“Things,” I breathed.

“Oh,” Gary said, sharing a fond look with Kevin. “I see what this is.”

“Sam?” Kevin said. “We should talk about this, okay, buddy?”

“No,” I said. “Never.”

“Sam,” Gary said gently. “You see, when a dragon loves a unicorn, they have a special hug they do in the forest.”

“And sometimes,” Kevin said, rubbing my back with his claws, “the dragon likes to lick the unicorn’s asshole until he—”

I ran screaming down the road.

 

 

The nineteenth day.

 

“AND A further thing,” I said as we walked down the Old Road. “I don’t even care about him that much, anyway.”

“Uh-huh,” Gary said.

“Right? It’s not like I actually developed real feelings for him or anything. It was just an infatuation that I can so easily get over. It didn’t matter. It was never a thing.”

“Right,” Gary said. “Get over. Like you’ve been saying. For the last three hours.”

“Because I don’t need a man to define me,” I said. “I am a strong, independent wizard. I’ll be my own cornerstone.”

“Don’t need no mens,” Tiggy said.

“Exactly,” I said. “I don’t. I have my boys with me, and we’re going to go on adventures and do cool shit like fight manticores and discover caves and eat disgusting regional delicacies. Because I’m young and hung and full of magic.”

“Sam,” Gary said kindly. “I understand what you’re saying. I really do. But let me give you some advice from the perspective of someone in a long-term relationship.”

“You’ve been together for five days.”

“And that’s five days longer than you.”

“Hey, buddy,” Kevin said. “Just listen to him, okay? We both just want to make sure you don’t make any rash decisions.”

“I’m not. I’m grown up and every decision I make is the right one because I’m making it based upon all the feelings in my chest and brain.”

“Kids,” Gary said, shaking his head. “They want to grow up so fast.”

“Remember when he was younger?” Kevin said with a warm chuckle. “He was at my keep and kept saying things like, You can’t take any of your stuff that’s obviously important to you because what I say goes and I’m a giant dick-brained motherfucker.”

“I’m pretty sure I never said that,” I told them, but they ignored me. “And we were at your keep two weeks ago!”

“Pretty soon, he’s going to want to go off on his own,” Gary said, sounding upset. “Oh, Kevin. What are we going to do when he’s ready to leave?”

“What is even happening right now?”

“Shhh,” Kevin said to Gary, brushing their snouts together. “It’s okay. You’ve been such a good mother to him. You’ll see. He’ll do good things. And if he doesn’t, we’ll be there to pick up the pieces because that’s what parents do.”

Gary started crying and pushed his face against mine. “You listen to me, okay?” he said, sniffing loudly in my ear. “You follow your heart because one day, it’ll lead you home. You’ve been such a good son.”

“Did you guys get high?” I asked them. “Like, super freaking high?”

Gary began to cry in earnest as Kevin rumbled low and licked the side of my face.

“Tiggy!” I yelled. “Help me! They’ve gone crazy. Save me!”

Tiggy looked conflicted as Gary sobbed in my ear and Kevin stroked his back and murmured soothing things to him. “We sad?” Tiggy asked.

“No—”

“Yes,” Gary wailed. “Sam is growing up and he’s going to move out and have orgies and do drugs and it’ll be all my fault.”

Then Tiggy started crying and hugging me, begging me not to have orgies and do drugs. “No, Sam,” he said, wiping his face on mine. “No mushrooms and gang bangs.”

People on the Old Road gave us a wide berth as they passed us by, no matter how much I pleaded with them to rescue me.

 

 

The twenty-third morning.

 

I WAS a good distance into the Dark Woods, trying to find a spot to take a leak where I wouldn’t be able to hear Gary and Kevin talking about how they were planning on adopting at least four Pomeranians. I thought I’d found the perfect tree and was giving good consideration to potentially rubbing one out after I pissed, when it happened.

“Aha,” the Dark wizard shouted as he jumped out from behind the tree. “I bet you weren’t expecting to see me.”

“Um,” I said. “I don’t know who you are.” There went that erection. Gods. Was it too much to ask for a little Sam time?

The Dark looked slightly offended. “Seriously?”

“Sorry,” I said. “You all look the same to me.”

“Rude,” he said. “That’s racist.”

“Um. No, it’s not. You and are I are the same race. If you were to ride a unicorn, that’s racism.”

“How is that racist?” he asked.

“Because it’s mean,” I explained.

“But that’s not even the basis for—” He cut himself off and took a deep breath. “You know what? No. I’ve heard about you. You start talking and everyone gets confused and people start wanting to have sex with you and get turned into deck chairs.”

I sighed. “It was supposed to be lawn chairs. And I think the stories about me are greatly exaggerated.”

“So did you or did you not take down four of my brothers in the City of Lockes?”

“Oh. Well. That part was true.”

“And did you or did you not send a pack of fire geckos after two more of my brothers?”

“Yeah. That was me.”

“And did you or did you not kill Lartin the Dark Leaf?”

“No,” I said. “I didn’t.”

“What?” he said.

“I didn’t kill him.”

“You did,” he insisted.

“No, I didn’t.”

“Then who did?”

“My half-giant best friend.”

“Oh,” he said. “Well, same difference.”

“Sort of, I guess.”

“My name is—”

“Don’t care,” I said.

He glared at me. “Don’t be rude.”

I sighed. “Sorry. Go ahead.”

“My name is Wan the Dark Hunter,” he said, squaring his shoulders.

I waited.

He looked at me, clearly expecting a reaction.

I waited some more.

“So,” he said, “that name should have inspired fear in you. You don’t look very fearful.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know who you are.” And I didn’t. I’d never seen him before or heard his name. I thought he was probably a few years older than me. He was handsome, in a devilish way, his dark goatee trimmed perfectly, nary a hair out of place. He had tattoos on his arms and I recognized Dark marks, signifying he was at a higher level than the other Darks I’d faced. That was okay with me.

“Seriously?” he said. “Never heard of me?”

“Nope.”

“That sucks,” he said. “I thought I was really making a name for myself.”

“Eh. What can you do?”

Wan rolled his eyes. “Of course you say it like that. Everyone knows who you are.”

“That’s not my fault,” I said. “My mom says it’s my face.”

“What does that mean?”

“I guess I just have one of those faces.”

“So you’re saying that my face isn’t good enough?”

“No,” I said. “You’re really cute.” And he was. Too bad he was evil.

He flushed. “Shut up. No, I’m not.”

“Yeah, you are. I like your goatee. It’s very… trimmed.”

“Thanks,” he said, preening a bit. “I grew it myself.” Then he winced. “Wow, that sounded awkward.”

“It was pretty awkward,” I agreed. “Adorable, though.”

“Well. This has been just lovely. Maybe we could….” He closed his eyes. Took a breath. Opened his eyes again. “How in the fuck do you do that?”

“Yeah. I don’t really know. Weird, right?”

“People fear me,” he said.

“I don’t.”

“Most do.”

“Oh,” I said. “That’s cool. So, like, are you going to monologue?”

His eyes narrowed. “Monologue.”

“Villains tend to broadcast their plans and reasons when they capture me.”

“I haven’t captured you yet.”

“Fair point,” I said. “Are you going to try?”

“Lartin was my friend,” he said, fingers twitching. I could feel his magic gathering.

“Really?” I said, arching an eyebrow. “That guy, man. What was his deal? All you Darks seemed to be all up in his shit.”

“He was nice but he liked to hug for too long before his hands started to wander,” Wan said. “He was one of the first Darks. His father didn’t—”

“Oh no!”

“What?”

“I just realized I don’t care. Are you done yet? You said you weren’t going to monologue.”

“I’m not.”

“It’s still monologuing when you do it on someone else’s behalf,” I explained.

“How has no one killed you yet?” he asked, sounding incredulous. “I’ve only known you for five minutes and I want to murder you.”

“Rude,” I said. “Don’t lie. You want some of this.”

He flushed again.

“Ha,” I said. “No thanks.”

“Honestly,” he said. “All you do is talk. I don’t see what the big deal is. You may not know me, but I’ve got the backing of the Dark wizards of the Dark Woods. Those that know me fear my name. I am a hunter, and you are the hunted. Your head will be mine.”

“I am a hunter and you are the hunted,” I mocked. “Gods. That was just awful.”

“Hey!” Wan said. “That’s rude. I worked hard on that.”

“Well, yeah. But it’s so cliché.”

“You don’t mess with classics, I guess.”

“The Darks, right?” I said. “That’s what you have?”

“Yes,” he said, eyes flashing.

“Guess what I have,” I said, smiling at him.

“What?”

“A dragon,” I snapped and said, “Kevin! Now!”

I grinned and prepared for my friends (who were obviously listening in and waiting for me to give an awesome new catchphrase that I did like a boss) to burst through the trees and stand united against the Dark. Kevin would roar and fire would burst from between his teeth. Tiggy would smash his fists together and Gary would be shining in so much fucking glitter. It was going to be awesome.

And so, of course, nothing happened.

Wan looked at me warily. “What?”

“Sorry,” I said. “Probably just a delay. Give it a minute.”

We gave it a minute. Still nothing.

“Let’s try it again,” I suggested.

“Try what?”

“The whole I have a dragon thing,” I said. “It’ll work this time.”

“You have a dragon,” Wan said, sounding dubious.

“Yeah,” I said. “Well, sort of. I think he’s trying to be my dad now, which is weird.”

“What?”

“I know, right?” I looked over my shoulder. Absolutely nothing. “So, blah, blah, blah. Guess what I have. A DRAGON!”

My voice echoed in the trees.

Nothing.

“For real?” I muttered. “Gods. Those assholes.” I looked back at Wan. “Hold on just a second, okay? If he doesn’t come, we can duel to the death or whatever.”

“You’re so weird,” he said.

I grinned. “Thanks.” Then, “KEVIN!”

“Yeah?” he finally called back through the trees.

“Can you come here, please?”

“Kind of busy, buddy.”

“I’m not your buddy because you aren’t even my real dad!”

“Sam,” Gary called out. “That was mean. Say you’re sorry.”

“No!”

“Don’t make me come over there,” Gary warned.

“Gary, it’s fine,” Kevin said. “He just needs time to adjust.”

“Sorry about this,” I told Wan. “They have been in a monogamous relationship for nine days and apparently, two magical creatures together like that suddenly start acting like lesbian albatrosses and mate for life or something.”

“Lesbian albatrosses,” Wan repeated.

“You know, the birds? Notorious for monogamy and life partners. Like lesbians. I don’t know. My life, right?”

Wan said, “How are you even a real person?”

I shrugged and said, “My parents boned and then I came out. How is anyone a real person? Boning. KEVIN, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE.”

“Gods,” I heard Gary complain loudly. “It’s like puberty with him all over again.”

“We’ll get through it,” Kevin rumbled, and I finally heard them start moving into the woods. “He can’t be a dick to us for long. I’ll tan his hide and maybe suck on his cock a little.”

“So gross,” I muttered. I looked up at Wan. “Don’t listen to him. He’s not my dad and he doesn’t blow me.”

“I don’t even know what to think,” Wan said.

I sighed. “I get that a lot. Okay, get ready.”

“For what?”

“The whole catchphrase and awesome entrance thing. I’m not going to waste it just because Kevin is an asshole.”

“I heard that!”

“You were meant to,” I called back.

“Why is the ground shaking?” Wan asked. “And why does it sound like trees are breaking?”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “Just be ready to do your line.”

“I think I’m going to go,” Wan said, eyes wide.

“Oh, come on,” I said. “Don’t be like that.”

“No, it’s okay,” he said. “I’m sorry I wasted your time. Please don’t hurt me.”

I rolled my eyes. “You Darks are a bunch of pussies,” I said, and he snarled at me.

“You really want to mess with the powers of the Dark?” he growled.

“Wow,” I said. “That was actually ominous and cool. I’m into this. Okay.” I popped my neck and took a stance. I glared at him, curling my lip. “You may be the Dark, but I am the apprentice to Morgan of Shadows. I am Sam of Wilds, and I will kick your fucking ass.” And then a breeze came and my clothes started billowing. It was amazing.

“I suppose we can do this,” Wan said, raising his hands.

“Yeah,” I said. “Well, I’ve got a dragon. Dammit! That didn’t sound right. What the fuck, Wan? You had one job. Heh. Or you had wan job. Awesome.”

Then Kevin, Gary, and Tiggy came up from behind me and Wan screamed in such a way that he totally lost all his goatee cool points. He turned and ran farther into the Dark Woods. I shook my head.

“What was that all about?” Gary asked.

“You guys need to work on your timing,” I said. “Never again. I had the perfect setup with a cool line and a whole lot of epicness going on with the billowing, and you all just killed it.”

I stalked away from them, muttering about how the help was never prepared when I needed them to be.

 

 

THE TWENTY-FIFTH day sucked because I missed Ryan something awful. Gary and Tiggy held me close as Kevin kept watch.

My heart was hurting.

 

 

THE TWENTY-SIXTH day I was angry.

 

 

THE TWENTY-SIXTH night, I was hurt and angry and made a really stupid decision.

 

 

THE THIRTIETH day found me back in Meridian City.

I left Gary, Tiggy, and Kevin on the outskirts. We’d passed through Old Clearing, and sure enough, the missing people had returned, telling stories of being kidnapped by a ruthless cult and fed more corn than they’d ever eaten in their lives. Of course, once they saw Kevin, they started shrieking, sure he was back to eat them this time. He assured them he would never do such a thing, that it went against his code (and his stomach), but this only proceeded to freak everyone out more, because dragons weren’t supposed to talk.

We left Old Clearing rather quickly after that.

Not a huge loss, really.

But I made sure we stopped in Meridian City. Gary had asked me if I was sure, as if he knew what my plan was. Instead of answering, I told him I wouldn’t be long.

“Sure,” he’d said sadly.

And that’s how I found myself once again standing in front of the Tilted Cross, Mama’s medallion in my hand, smiling quietly at the bouncer at the front. It wasn’t the same one as last time, but that was okay. He saw the medallion, nodded once, and opened the door for me.

There was a beautiful woman at the front desk, one that’d I’d never seen before. But she knew who I was from the way her eyes widened slightly before she smiled wickedly.

“Welcome to Mama’s,” she all but purred.

I said, “I need to see Moishe.”

The smile faded slightly. “Oh? Conversation?”

I cocked my head at her. “Services.”

“Hmm. I don’t know if he does that anymore.”

“He will if he knows it’s me.”

“Will he, now?”

“Magic has a taste,” I said, leaning closer to her. She shuddered slightly as my breath fell on her cheek. “Or so he says. He wants it on his tongue. And I aim to give it to him.”

“The great Sam of Wilds. How lucky he must be.” She nodded and took a step back. “It’ll be just a moment.” She was up the stairs and out of sight before I could say anything more.

Mama’s boys whispered quietly to one another as they watched me. Undoubtedly they’d overheard my conversation with the girl. They knew of Moishe’s fascination with me. It was not a love thing, or even a like thing. It was, for lack of a better word, about lust. Though I didn’t think it was for me personally. If Ryan had a magic kink, then Moishe had a power kink. I had both in spades. What better way to destroy my virginity than with someone who wanted what I had.

Or, at least, that was the plan.

Of course, it was never that easy.

“You foolish, foolish boy,” Mama growled from behind me.

I rolled my eyes and turned around. “Figured you’d get here first.”

She looked beautiful, as always. A long, onyx wig fell around her shoulders and back. Kohl-lined eyes, smoky and thick. Deep red lipstick, sticky and sweet. Her nails were short and black, the illusion of breasts cinched tight in a black and red corset. She wore knee-high riding boots over skintight silk leggings. She held a crop in one hand, smacking the leather against her other. She looked like she was going horseback riding. Sexy horseback riding.

She jerked the end of the crop under my chin, forcing me to look up into her eyes. The leather scraped against my skin. “What are you doing here, Sam?”

“I didn’t ask for you.”

“No. You didn’t. But this is my establishment, and you should know better than anyone that whatever happens under this roof, Mama knows. Now. I’ll ask one more time, because we’re friends and I love you very much. You will answer me truthfully, or I’ll tan your hide in front of my boys and you will like it.” She dropped the crop from my face and reached out with a large hand, grabbing me by the wrist. She pulled me into a room where two twinks were sitting in front of a mirror, applying blush to their cheeks.

“Babies,” she said, voice soft and kind. “Mama needs the room. You can use the mirror at the end of the hall to finish up.”

“Yes, Mama,” they both said, eyeing me curiously before leaving. Mama closed the door behind them.

“That’s how rumors start,” I told her. “They’re going to tell everyone you’ve become a working girl again.”

“Ah,” she said. “Like I would actually charge you for anything.”

I grinned at her as I leaned against the wall, crossing my arms over my chest. “You love me.”

“I do, though I am having a difficult time remembering why just now.” She sat on the recently vacated stool in front of the mirror and looked at her reflection. She brought a perfectly manicured pinkie up and brushed it across her lips, brushing away a flake of lipstick.

“Mama. It’s not—”

“Cut the bullshit, Sam.” Her eyes found mine in the mirror’s reflection.

Fine. I could do that. “I’m here for Moishe.”

“I gathered as much when Natasha came into my office and told me.”

“Natasha has a big fucking mouth,” I muttered.

“Where is your knight?” she asked.

“He’s not my knight.”

Mama rolled her eyes elegantly, because she could be no other way. “Hogwash and poppycock, that. He belongs to you more than he belongs to anyone else. He is your cornerstone after all.”

I narrowed my eyes. “And just how the hell did you know that?”

She picked up a makeup brush from the vanity and brushed it under her eyes. “Didn’t know for sure until right this moment. I suspected, but confirmation is always better.”

“How do you know what a cornerstone is?”

She laughed. “Precious, I’m Mama. I know everything.”

“Then you’ll know he swore an oath to the Prince,” I said. “An oath that binds him into marriage.”

She sighed. “No. I didn’t know that.”

“It doesn’t matter. I rescued Justin, now have a pet dragon father who licks Gary’s butthole, and will be forced to attend the wedding of the century.” I grimaced. “You know, I usually don’t complain this much.”

“A pet dragon father,” she said, lips twitching.

“Yeah. Apparently I can talk to dragons. Or, rather, dragons can speak Veranian if I’m near. Magic is the shit, you know?”

“If I didn’t have the Tilted Cross to worry about, I’d be following you wherever you went,” she said. “The things you’ve seen and done fill my cold, crusty heart with adoration and envy.”

“There’s nothing cold and crusty about you,” I said dutifully. And because there wasn’t.

“I suppose not,” she said. “The gods know I’m not getting any younger.”

“And notice how polite I’m being by not asking the lady her age, even if she’s given me an obvious in.”

She gave me a shark’s smile. “How lucky you have practiced restraint. I’d hate to see what you’d look like without testicles.”

And so because I loved her, I told her everything. About the cornerstone business. About Ryan. About being force-fed coercion through corn. About cults and fairies and rescuing princes from ancient keeps. By the time I finished, my voice was hoarse and my heart was sore.

She was quiet for a time. Then, “Drowning in someone’s skin will not help you forget the other.”

I shrugged. “At least I’ll feel wanted.”

She turned to me then and stood. She reached out for me, her hands cupping my face, and I leaned against her touch. Regardless of how ruthless she could be, regardless of her own claims of being cold-hearted, she was still Mama to me. My fairy drag mother. The woman who had taught me to trust myself and my instincts. Morgan could teach me magic. My parents could teach me morals. Gary and Tiggy could teach me brotherhood. But Mama taught me that while life had sharp edges, it would only cut you if you allowed it to.

She said, “You are wanted. The heart that beats in your chest is the most wonderful thing I’ve ever been witness to. It hurts, precious. I know it does. But like all things, it shall pass and you will be all that much stronger because of it.”

I hugged her then. She made a surprised noise at the back of her throat as this wasn’t something she typically did. With anyone. But I was a hugger and she was my friend. Her arms came around me tentatively, her hands clasping at my back. She smelled of vanilla and clove. It was lovely.

She left, after a time.

Moments later, there was a knock at the door.

I opened it.

Moishe looked me up and down.

“Wizard,” he said, his voice full of sex and magic. “I heard you asked for me. How may I be of service?”

I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him into the room, slamming the door behind us.

 

 

Later, I walked through Meridian City toward the gates.

I passed by a newsboy shouting out the headlines.

“THE GOOD KING ANNOUNCES ROYAL WEDDING IMMINENT! PRINCE JUSTIN TO WED KNIGHT COMMANDER RYAN FOXHEART IN A MONTH’S TIME! READ ABOUT IT HERE FIRST! THE WEDDING OF THE CENTURY IS UPON US!”