Chapter 17: Dex

Maybe I was wrong, maybe I shouldn’t have just dropped by Casey’s house. I stood outside of the walk up, looking up at the twinkling lights from the Christmas tree inside. I knew there were cars passing, horns honking, and the normal sounds of the city going on around me but I couldn’t hear anything. My heart was beating so hard in my chest that it filled my ears and took over my ability to think straight. Casey and Seth were right inside those doors, going on with their normal lives and trying to move past everything that happened. But I knew I would never have a restful soul if I didn’t come here to confess my feelings to the mother of my child. She held this secret in for a very long time and it was my turn to step forward and take responsibility. Besides, I wanted to see the boy that I now knew to be my son. I wanted to get to know him, to see him smile, to hear his laugh.

I turned toward the driver who had popped open the trunk and was grabbing wrapped boxes from the inside. I knew it was going to be quite a shock to find me on the doorstep so I figured I better not come empty-handed. Instead, I stopped by the toy store and bought everything I thought Seth would like. I didn’t know the kid very well but he seemed to be a lot like me, so I picked out anything I knew I would have wanted at his age. It took a while for them to wrap everything but we got it done and packed into the limo. I leaned in and pulled the biggest of the boxes out, grunting at how heavy it was. We moved up both stairways and stood in front of Casey’s door. At first, I couldn’t bring myself to lift my hand and knock. This interaction wasn’t going to be simple or pleasant. There was no way Casey was going to welcome me with open arms.

I balanced the box on my knee and knocked quickly on the door, my heart beginning to beat even faster. What would I do if she didn’t answer? What would I do if she refused to allow me inside? I left that night without saying a word, except for the horrible ones I threw at Casey. I should have come back in and apologized but there was so much going on that my head was filled with fog. I could hear footsteps inside so I knew someone was home. I leaned to the left, hoping she wouldn’t see me through the peephole. I didn’t want her to see it was me and decide against opening the door.

“When she comes to the door she will want to talk to me,” I said to my driver. “Just go ahead and bring everything in and set it in the living room.”

“Yes, sir,” he replied, struggling with the gifts he was holding.

Slowly the doorknob began to turn and I took in a deep breath. Ready or not I was going to have to face this head-on without letting my anger spill out again. I needed to keep a level head, understanding that Casey had been through so much, regardless of whether I thought it was wrong to keep Seth from me. She carried the intense pressure of raising a child without his father. The door swung open and I stared at Casey who looked at me with an expressionless face. I stepped inside and set the large box down before turning to face her.

“What are you doing here?” she said with a bit of anger in her voice.

“I came to spoil my son,” I said triumphantly, quickly realizing that was not the right answer.

Casey stepped forward and grabbed my arm, pulling me down the hall and into her bedroom. I stepped forward and looked around. It was simple but elegant, just like Casey. I could hear her breathing heavily behind me as she closed the door and turned around. She was more than fuming and I could understand why. She was ready for a fight but I didn’t want to let it get to that point.

“Casey,” I said calmly, putting up my hands. “If you could just hear me out.”

“Hear you out?” She exploded. “You think after how you acted, after what you said, after you just disappeared again, that I should take two seconds to hear you out? You complained that I was basing my decision of not telling you about Seth on the fact that you just get up and leave. You said that it wasn’t fair to judge you on your actions before you knew you had a son. And what did you do? You ran off and jumped on your plane. That little boy does not need a part-time man in his life, he is perfectly fine with a full-time mother.”

“I’m not here to be a part-time dad.” I pleaded.

“And your little antics when we were at your building the other day.” She scoffed. “That was really rich, having a security guard chase us down in the courtyard. If Seth had noticed he would have been scared to death.”

“A security guard? No, Casey, you have it all wrong,” I said, shaking my head. “The fountain is under construction. He was probably trying to make sure you were safe.”

“I’m supposed to believe that?” She was crying and there was nothing I could do to calm her. “If you think you can come bulldozing in here with your money and your lawyers and try to take my son, you have another thing coming. I will fight with everything I have to keep Seth here with me. You are not going to bully me into a custody battle. I am not some pawn in your game and neither is Seth. He isn’t a shiny new toy that you can just come in and take because you have money and power. I don’t care how many lawyers you throw at me, I will make sure that my son is protected every single step of the way.”

“I’m not trying to take Seth, Casey,” I said weakly. “I swear, I have no intentions of taking you to court or anything like that.”

I watched her face as her shoulders relaxed slightly. I hadn’t even thought of the fact that she would be afraid I was going to try to take Seth from her. Seth loved his mother and his grandmother, I would never try to disrupt his life that way. I could understand Casey’s fear though, especially since Seth was her entire life and had been since the day he was born. I had no idea how she felt and I was trying to be as empathetic as possible. I didn’t want to fight with her, verbally or legally, and I needed her to calm down so I could explain that. She was scanning my face to see if I was telling the truth. My eyes saddened at how far we’d fallen, how little she trusted my word. Casey was an amazing woman and now she was standing in front of me, afraid that I was some kind of monster who came here to take her child. I was more worried that she would never forgive me than I was about devising a plan to steal Seth right out from under her. I shook my head and stepped closer to Casey, reaching down and grabbing her hands.

“I’m not here to fight and I am not going to take you to court,” I said calmly. “I just want to get to know him and try to make up for the time I lost.”

She looked up at me with tears still streaming from her eyes. Her hands shaking. I pulled her over to the bed and sat her down, sitting down gently beside her. I turned toward her and forced her eyes to connect with mine. If we were going to get anywhere, I needed to be one hundred percent truthful and open with her.

“Look,” I said calmly. “I’m sorry that I left the way I did. I had just been hit with some of the heaviest news I’ve gotten since my father and mother were killed. It took me by surprise and I lashed out. By the time I said all those horrible things, my head was reeling. I know you have done this on your own this whole time, but I just needed to breathe and calm down. I wanted to think about everything logically, make good decisions, and know that I could offer Seth something exceptional.”

The look on her face was fear and hurt but she had calmed down enough to hear the words I was saying. Her desperate attempt to protect Seth at any cost showed me just how amazing of a mother and a woman she really was. Her love for that boy knew no limits and she was willing to stand up to an entire empire to protect him and his home. I realized at that moment that I really admired the person she was and that her exceptional mothering ability was the root of all my fears about being a father. Part of me didn’t want to tell her about my fears but the other part of me knew I needed to let it out. Who better to tell than the woman who knew the awesome power of being a parent?

“I never thought I would be a father,” I said slowly. “At least not for a long time. I thought I would be able to control it like everything else in my life. When I found out about Seth, fear completely took me over. My father was an amazing dad and I have no idea how to be the same. I hemmed and hawed over it for days and not because I didn’t want to be, but because I wanted to make sure I could be the man Seth deserves in his life. I don’t want to be the on again off again father that you are so terrified I will become. Of course, I still have to run my business but that doesn’t mean I can’t change my life to put my son first like my dad did for me and Natalie. In the end, as I stood out on the balcony of my hotel in Caracaras, I knew what my decision was. I want to be part of Seth’s life, a real part of it. If you will let me.”

With those words, I took a deep breath and leaned away from Casey. I could see her mulling my words over in her head as she wrapped her arms around her waist. I knew she was scared. I was absolutely terrified myself but I also knew I couldn’t live the rest of my life knowing I had a son out there somewhere. I knew I could provide for Seth in a way that would make all his dreams come true. I knew that, regardless of her fears, Casey wanted that for him too. She was working so hard to give him the best life possible, I knew she would be able to breathe a little easier knowing there was someone else around to help. Those few minutes sitting on Casey’s bed were the longest of my life. I stared at her, waiting for her decision, knowing whichever way she went, it would change my life forever.