Chapter 18: Casey

Finding Dex standing outside my door was not how I expected to shape the events of my day. Immediately, I was livid that he just showed up, carrying presents, and thinking he could march right into Seth’s life without even a conversation with me first. This was not how everything was going to go down. I was not going to allow him to march in and throw our lives into an upheaval, all while wondering what other secret agenda he had. However, after listening to his words, seeing his pained face, and really understanding what he went through, I felt like it was my duty as Seth’s mother to at least consider his request. He wanted to be part of his son’s life and if he was telling the truth about custody and working his life around his son, then I could see giving him a chance. But with his past, I was absolutely terrified that it was all just words. I was terrified that he would find out it was too hard and go back to his privileged life in the city, leaving me to clean up Seth’s broken heart. The idea of Dex hurting my son the way he’d hurt me was heart-wrenching. It was almost enough to make me refuse Dex and send him away for good.

I wasn’t going to lie, there was part of me that was trying to protect my own heart just as much as Seth’s. I fell in love with this man and I knew he had feelings for me too, at least I used to believe so. Would him being in Seth’s life bring him back into mine as well? Did I even want him back in mine? Knowing how easily I melted for this man, it was hard to believe that I could stand by and spend so much time parenting our child together without falling into that trap again. I couldn’t spend the next twenty years as his side project, as the woman he slummed it with after leaving the high life, the woman who had to deal when he found a rich, beautiful woman from his own world. No, I couldn’t do that and just thinking about it made my stomach turn. I couldn’t allow that to happen but at the same time, I couldn’t use that as a deciding factor in whether I allowed him to be an active participant in Seth’s life.

My mind was reeling and I couldn’t slow it down. He was asking me to make the biggest choice of Seth’s life right then and there in my bedroom. I didn’t know if I even had the strength to say yes. If I did, and if he failed again, Seth’s broken heart would fall on my shoulders because I told Dex the truth. What if I said yes and he abandoned us again? I had never seen Seth be faced with anything of that magnitude and I didn’t know if he could handle that. The fact was, he shouldn’t have to handle that but that was the life that was handed to him. If Dex left again, I knew there was no way I would be able to handle it. I knew I would end up packing our bags and moving to somewhere far away like Wyoming or something, just so Dex couldn’t ever just show up at our house again. The constant roller-coaster of emotion was making me sick and even right then, sitting still in my emotions, I felt like I was going to puke. I was pained in ways I could have never imagined I would be. I was trying to protect my little boy and myself at the same time. I looked at Dex who was sitting quietly, panic spread across his face as he wondered what I was thinking. Part of me wanted to tell him that he had left me with that same feeling every time he walked away but I didn’t want to fight anymore.

“I can see the pain on your face.” He sighed. “I understand that you are really wary about this. I understand you are trying to protect your little boy but please, Casey, please let me be a part of his life. I cannot live the rest of my life knowing I have a piece of me growing and learning without me there to watch and help.”

I opened my mouth, ready to say something hurtful but I quickly shut it again. I realized my hurtful thoughts weren’t coming from my need to protect Seth, they were coming from my own broken heart. I rubbed my hands against my thighs, drying the tears and sweat that lingered on my palms. I looked up at the door as the handle turned, quickly wiping my face and staring down at my little boy as he let himself in. He smiled big at Dex as he entered and ran over to me, throwing his body onto my legs.

“Mommy,” he whispered. “What are all those presents for?”

“Oh,” I said, laughing and crying at the same time. “Those are from Dex. He brought them for you for Christmas.”

“Oh.” He sighed, obviously disappointed that he had to wait.

“How about we do this,” I said calmly, leaning down and kissing him on the cheek. “You and Dex go out in the living room and pick one present. You can open it right now but then the rest have to wait until Christmas.”

“Okay!” he exclaimed, grabbing Dex’s hand and pulling him toward the door. Dex looked back at me and mouthed the words, thank you, before disappearing around the corner. I hadn’t made up my mind yet but I wasn’t going to deprive Seth of all the gifts Dex had brought him. In fact, I was curious to see what he bought him. Had he sent someone to pick out the hottest new gifts to impress Seth or had he actually thought about the gifts before bringing them over?

“That one,” I heard Seth yell out loud.

“Okay,” Dex said, laughing. “Let’s pull it over here and then we’ll wait for your mom.”

I could hear Seth grunting as he helped pull whatever it was into the middle of the floor. I took a deep breath and wiped the rest of the tears from my face. I stood and walked out of the bedroom toward the living room where I saw Seth standing triumphantly next to the biggest box in the group. Of course, he would pick out the biggest one, he was four. The box itself was larger than Seth and it was wrapped in a beautiful metallic paper with a paisley print and large green bow. I leaned against the doorway and watched Dex pull the bow off and set it on top of Seth’s head. Seth laughed and giggled at his new velvet hat before reaching over and pulling the paper down.

The sound of ripping wrappings made me smile, thinking about Christmas morning when Seth wanders out in his new pajamas with crazy hair and sleepy eyes. I watched Dex help him pull the big pieces of paper off. They danced around the box like two crazy elves. Dex opened the top of the box and pulled the gift out, setting it on the floor. It was a drafting desk, obviously specially made, and came with a small chair and everything. It was absolutely gorgeous with its dark stain and exact likeness to one you would find in some luxury architect’s office. Seth pulled the chair up to it and sat down, putting his hands out in front of him and smiling.

“It’s for you to have a place to draw your buildings,” Dex explained, kneeling beside Seth. “And look, the table rises up on this end to make it easier for you.”

Dex took Seth’s hand and picked up the desk, walking it back to his room. My eyes filled with tears, understanding just how thoughtful of a gift this was. It wasn’t just something he had some secretary pick out, it was something he really put thought into. Seth loved to draw his buildings and that was something Dex made sure to remember. To say I was moved by the gesture was an understatement and I stood in the hallway shocked as Dex put the desk in Seth’s room and helped him pull out his paper and crayons. I was at a loss for words as Dex reappeared, smiling and shaking his head.

“He really loves it,” he said, pointing back to Seth’s room. “He’s already drawing.”

I stood motionless, watching as Dex went back over and picked up all the wrapping paper and tossed it into the empty box. He carried the box over to the door and set it down so he could take it to the dumpster on his way out. I walked forward and started moving the giant pile of gifts out of the middle of the floor. Mom and I wouldn’t be able to get all the stuff we bought for Christmas under the tree, which was a first for any Christmas we had in this family. Dex began helping me place the gifts under the tree, waving at my mom who had stayed to the side and watched with a smile on her face. When we were done, he turned to me and took my hand.

“Will you come over to my place so we can talk?”

I took a deep breath, feeling less emotional and nodded my head yes. We needed to talk, really talk, without all the emotion and anxiety that had been floating around this house. I made sure it was okay with my mom and told Seth I would be back in a little while. He was so enthralled by his new desk that he barely even noticed I was talking to him. He shook his head and scrunched his nose as I kissed him goodbye.

The ride to his penthouse was silent. I watched the twinkling Christmas lights that decorated the city pass by my window. Once we were there, I walked out of the elevator into the big open space and stood in the living room, holding my jacket and looking out at the New York City skyline. It was so beautiful and so peaceful. I absolutely loved being on the top floor of his place. I felt Dex walk up behind me and I turned to face him. He smiled and took in a deep breath.

“Casey,” he said quietly and deeply. “I know that the last five years have been hard on you. I’m sorry that I haven’t been there to help you, support you, and be a part of raising Seth. I wish I had known sooner so that you wouldn’t have been alone. It’s not your fault, it's mine. I never showed any sign that you could trust me to be part of this.”

He reached up and gently brushed a rolling tear from my cheek. I blushed and looked up at him with wide eyes. Slowly, he leaned forward and kissed my lips softly, resting his hand on my shoulder. I leaned forward, feeling the familiarity of his kiss and exhaling deeply at the finality of the moment. He pulled me in tightly to him, his tongue parting my lips and his heaviness reaching into my body. I dropped my coat on the floor and wrapped my arms around his neck, missing his taste and his scent. He reached down and picked me up, cradling me in his arms and walking back toward his bedroom.

Our lips stayed firmly pressed together with each step he took until finally, we were in his bedroom, standing before each other and gazing deeply into each other’s eyes. His touch was gentle and sensual, unlike our normal rush to the finish. He trickled his fingers down my breasts until he reached the bottom of my sweater and pulled it up over my head.

I could feel the heat of his body radiating toward me. It sent shock waves flowing through my limbs, from my fingers all the way to my toes. Just being in his arms was enough to diminish my resolve. He had a hold on me that was unlike anything I’d ever felt before. Our attraction was like gravity, pulling me to him with a forceful power. I knew right then, I would never be able to resist him again.