Chapter Six

 

Molly

 

After Alex left, I couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened. My pulse was racing and my whole body was trembling for want of his touch. I never would have expected him to kiss me…not in a million years! And not only had he kissed me…

 

He’d held me down in my bed and told me he wanted to fuck me.

 

“Molly!” Rebecca called. “They just left! It’s okay, you can come out now!”

 

I swallowed nervously. I was afraid to open my mouth, to let the ghost of Alex’s kisses escape.

 

“Okay!” I called back. “Thanks! I’ll be out in a minute!”

 

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and forced myself to sit up. My head was still spinning and goose bumps broke out over my body as I wrapped my arms around myself and hugged tightly.

Alex had told me he’d wanted to sleep with me.

 

But why?

 

Why would he want someone like me? Heck, why would he actually want me? Did he have a secret fat girl fetish? Was it some kind of elaborate stunt, like a joke?

 

Or did he just get off on seeing me squirm?

 

I didn’t understand any of it. The whole time I’d known Alex – practically half my life – he’d always had gorgeous girls hanging off at least one of his arms. They weren’t even normally beautiful girls – they were like supermodels. I remember there was one time where I could’ve sworn that he was walking around with pre-meltdown Britney Spears hanging off of his arm.

 

“Molly, it’s really okay!” Rebecca yelled loudly. “You can come out, I swear, it’s fine!”

 

“Just give me a minute!” I yelled back. “I’m doing something in here!”

 

Suddenly, for what felt like the first time in my life, I was annoyed with my best friend. As soon as I realized it, the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

It’s not her fault – she has no idea how you feel about Alex, I thought to myself as I rolled my legs off my bed and climbed shakily to my feet. And if she did…god, I can’t even begin to imagine how angry she’d be!

 

Swallowing nervously, I walked over to my mirror, expecting to see a completely different Molly. I felt like a completely different girl – a sensual girl, a sexy girl that men want to grab and squeeze and kiss and fuck.

 

But I looked exactly the same. My drab brown hair fell to my back in loose ringlets, and my pudgy face looked even chubbier since I was so pale.

 

I really should try to lose some weight, or get a tan or something, I thought as I cocked my head to the side and scrutinized myself. If Alex is going to pursue me, won’t he want me to look better?

 

Then a strange thought came into my head. What if he didn’t want me to lose weight, or anything like that? What if he just liked me because of…well, me?

 

I shook my head. No – there was no way that was true. Alex wasn’t that kind of guy. In all the years I’d known him, I’d never seen him with a girl bigger than a size two.

So, what was it, then?

 

I could practically feel Rebecca’s irritation streaming in from the kitchen, so reluctantly I walked out into the hall.

“Hey,” I said.

Rebecca narrowed her eyes. “What was all that about?”

I shrugged. “Sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to bother you. I guess I’m just not feeling very well.”

 

Rebecca nodded heartily. “Yeah, tell me about it,” she said. “When my brother showed up, I thought I was going to be sick! And did you see his weird best friend, Rob?”

 

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I didn’t come out of my room, remember?”

“Oh, yeah.” Rebecca sat down and frowned. “Hey, I was thinking – we should go out somewhere. Dress up a little, maybe just have a couple of drinks.”

 

I laughed. “Are you trying to set me up with someone?”

“No,” Rebecca said. She shook her head. “I just thought it might be fun. We never go out, Molly.”

 

“There’s a reason for that,” I said. “I hate bars – they’re full of loud, obnoxious guys cheering on some stupid sports team that they care about because they’re dumb savages.”

Rebecca laughed. “What if we find someplace quiet? Like, a wine bar? Wouldn’t that be fun?”

 

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, because pretentious hipsters with berets and glasses of fifteen-dollar house wine are totally our thing.”

“Molly, give it a chance,” Rebecca said. “Look…” She bit her lip, looking away. “I know you’re lonely, okay? I am, too. But we’re never going to meet anyone if we don’t go out. I’m not saying that we go poach husbands, or anything. But it might be nice to make a new friend or two.”

 

I shrugged. “I’m not lonely,” I lied. I’m just horny and desperate and I want to have sex with your brother more than anything else in this world.

“Well, no harm done then if we don’t meet anyone,” Rebecca chirped. “Come on, up with you.”

 

I sighed and got to my feet, breathing heavily from the small effort.

 

“Okay,” I said, holding up my finger. “One drink, and that’s it. You got it?”

“Two?” Rebecca smiled, looking at me over the tops of her glasses. “Come on, Molly. It’s not much. My treat.”

 

“Okay,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Let me go get ready.”

 

It was a relief to be back in the privacy of my own bedroom, away from Rebecca’s relentless optimism and chirping. I loved her – I really did – but I was starting to wonder if maybe I wouldn’t be happier living in my own place.

 

That’s ridiculous, I thought. I’ve lived with Rebecca since I was seventeen! I can’t move out just because I keep fantasizing about Alex!

But even though I knew it was dumb, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about it. Maybe I’d get a little studio, someplace small, that wouldn’t be too hard to clean. Maybe I could even get a pet. I’d always wanted a cat – childishly, I was afraid of large dogs – and then I’d have my own space.

 

And then reality sank in. I wouldn’t be Sexy Molly, out on the town, always fending off suitors. I’d be Lonely Molly, curled up with a cat in an apartment that reeked of cat piss and dirt. I’d be Repulsive Molly, sitting in front of the television with a giant bag of potato chips, weeping at old I Love Lucy reruns.

 

Shuddering, I forced the image out of my mind. Shedding my t-shirt and shorts, I looked down at my belly. It jiggled when I walked – and my stretch marks looked like the craters on the moon. Hot shame flooded my body. There’s no way Alex would still want me if he could see me like this, I realized. No way in hell.

 

I opened the doors of my closet and peered inside. I didn’t really have any nice clothes. After my failed “date” with Dan, Rebecca had suggested a makeover…but I hadn’t exactly taken her suggestion to heart. I frowned as I pulled out a short purple dress that flared out from the bust. It didn’t exactly hide my belly, but it did make me look slightly more streamlined and less heavy. With a pair of Spanx underneath, I almost looked like a normal girl.

 

Rebecca was tapping her foot impatiently by the door when I emerged from her bedroom.

 

“You look nice,” Rebecca said. “Is that new?”

 

I wrinkled my nose. “You know darn well it’s not,” I said. “I’ve had this for years. You look nice, too, though.”

 

Rebecca nodded. “Thanks,” she said. She looked down at her outfit – white skinny jeans with an oversized t-shirt. “I feel so self-conscious in these pants. I can’t wear white without suddenly fearing I’m about to get my period!”

 

I laughed. “I know exactly what you mean,” I said. “Let’s go.”

 

Rebecca and I took the shuttle to campus, then caught a cab downtown. Rolling Hills wasn’t much – mostly, if people were looking for excitement, they just went into New York. But it was something, and the downtown had recently been revamped with a whole new line of fast-casual restaurants and stores with clothes that wouldn’t fit me in a million years.

 

Rebecca led the way into a little wine bar – Le Cirque – and I nervously followed behind, glancing around to see who was staring at the whale and her petite friend. To my pleasant surprise, we only attracted a few looks as we walked to the bar and sat down.

 

“I’ll have a glass of…” I trailed off, looking down. “Actually, do you just have beer?”

The bartender smiled and handed me a different list. After choosing a Belgian white, I settled into the barstool and turned to Rebecca.

“This is nice,” I admitted. “Maybe it was a good idea that we got out, you know, just for a little bit.”

Rebecca nodded. “Yeah,” she said. “Looks like a lot of college kids don’t come in here.”

“Good,” I said. “I was worried that no matter where we went, we’d be swamped with frat boys.”

“God, what a horrible image,” Rebecca said. She made a face, crossing her eyes and sticking out her tongue. I burst out laughing, blushing and covering my mouth with both hands.

 

“You know, I think you were right,” I said. “Truly. We should make this a regular thing.”

“Yeah, Wine Days,” Rebecca said, laughing. “It feels nice to be out of the house.”

“So…” I bit my lip as Alex’s face popped into my mind. “What did he want, anyway?”

“Who?”

 

“Your brother,” I said, careful not to say his name. “Why did he come over?”

“God, who knows, probably just to torture me,” Rebecca said. She shook her head and her expression turned bitter. “He always holds that card over my head – Mom and Dad paid for our security deposit, and he thinks that gives him rights to our apartment!”

 

I frowned.

 

“We should just find a way to pay them back,” Rebecca said. “That way, he’d have no reason whatsoever to come over.”

 

“Oh, I don’t know,” I said. “I mean, really? Does it bother you that much?”

“Doesn’t it bother you? Those gross men with their sense of entitlement,” Rebecca said, taking a long sip of her wine. “They just barge right in, eat our food, and kick their dirty feet up on my couch,” she said. “It’s disgusting.”

 

“Maybe he just wants to find a way to be closer,” I said cautiously. “I know you guys haven’t ever been close.”

“Yeah, it’s because he’s always been a pig,” Rebecca said. “If I had a dollar for all the times he cracked a joke about me being a lesbian, I’d have enough money to pay off my parents right now.”

 

I frowned. “That is rude,” I said. “But it’s just like kids teasing kids, you know? Like back in middle school, when everyone called each other a fag.”

“Well, it’s rude and I don’t like it,” Rebecca said. “Besides, it’s not true. I just don’t have time for a boyfriend.”

 

“I know,” I said. “I don’t really, either. I mean, I shouldn’t. I should really be focusing on my work at school.”

Rebecca gave me an odd look. “You don’t need a boyfriend to have sex, Molly. Maybe that would be good for you.”

“What, exactly?”

 

Rebecca flushed. “Don’t make me say it out loud, Molly.”

 

“No, I mean, I don’t understand what you’re talking about. What is it?”

“Have you ever heard of…friends with benefits?”

 

I flushed hotly. “No.”

“It means friends who have sex, that’s all.”

 

“So, like a boyfriend.”

 

“No,” Rebecca said. She leaned in close and lowered her voice – I’d noticed that we’d begun to attract the attention of a guy sitting nearby, with dark scruff on his face

 

Just as I was about to ask what she meant, the scruffy guy stood up and smirked. He walked closer, standing next to Rebecca.

 

“Hello, ladies,” he said. “May I join you?”

 

Rebecca blushed. “I was just talking to my roommate,” she said.

 

The guy laughed. “Well, you can always talk more at home, without me,” he said. He eyed Rebecca in a way that made my stomach twist with jealousy.

 

“We always do,” Rebecca said.

“I’m Brian. Can I buy you a drink?”

Rebecca looked at him over the rims of her glasses. “Well, you can,” she said in a bossy sort of voice that I hadn’t ever heard before. “But I don’t know if I’ll allow you to.”

 

Brian laughed again. “Whoa, cheeky!” He licked his lips. “Let me guess – English major?”

Rebecca blushed and shook her fair hair. “No,” she said. “MLS in library science.”

“Ah,” Brian said.

 

I frowned – both Rebecca and Brian had completely forgotten about me.

“Oh, gosh, sorry,” Rebecca said. “This is Molly.”

 

“Hi, Molly,” Brian said. He gave me a friendly smile – not like how he was leering at Rebecca. “Nice to meet you.”

 

“Nice to meet you,” I said in a voice barely above a whisper. God, I’m so stupid, I thought angrily. I can’t even talk to a regular guy without going to pieces!

Rebecca eyed me. “Brian, it was nice to meet you, but Molly and I were in the middle of something important,” she said. “Maybe later.”

 

Brian nodded. I could tell he was surprised – he was suave and handsome, not the kind of guy who’d normally go after Rebecca. I frowned again. What was it with men? Did they just want sex, from anyone who looked even remotely available?

 

“Sorry about that,” Rebecca said. She rolled her eyes.

“No, it’s okay,” I said slowly. “What were you talking about before? You know? The benefits thing?”

 

Rebecca drained the last of her wine and set the glass on the bar with more force than necessary. “It’s just…like platonic, you know? Except you have sex, too.”

 

“Like in Pretty Woman? You don’t kiss on the mouth?”

Rebecca laughed, then covered her mouth with both hands and gave me a guilty look. “Molly, no, not like that at all,” she said. “You could kiss, I mean, you could do whatever you want. You’re not in a relationship, so it’s not like you have any claim to the person you’re sleeping with.”

 

I frowned. “I don’t know, Rebecca. I…I want a boyfriend. I don’t just want sex.”

 

Rebecca shrugged. “Maybe it was a dumb suggestion,” she said. She made a face, wrinkling her forehead and frowning deeply.

“No, it’s not that,” I said. “I just…I don’t know. I think I’m too traditional.”

 

Rebecca swallowed, looking deeply uncomfortable.

“What?”

 

“Nothing.” Rebecca shook her head. “Forget it.”

“No, you have to tell me,” I said. “Come on, I tell you everything.” Well, almost everything, I added silently.

 

“Well, it’s just…” Rebecca trailed off. Her voice was full of nerves.

“What?” My palms were sweating and I wiped them on my thighs. “Rebecca, come on!”

 

Rebecca looked deeply uncomfortable. “It’s just that my brother, well, he sleeps with everything,” she said. “And maybe…I don’t know, he could teach you a few things.”

 

My jaw dropped. “What?”

“I know, I know, he’s a disgusting individual and an awful person…but he has no problem just sleeping with someone and leaving it at that,” Rebecca said. “God, I feel like a bad friend just for bringing it up.”

“Well…I’m just surprised,” I said, frowning. “I mean, you hate him!”

“I do,” Rebecca said. “But I also know that you’re lonely, and I know that you don’t want to be a virgin anymore.” I glared at her and she blushed before continuing: “Look, I’m sorry. I am, Molly. But…I don’t know, maybe don’t you think it wouldn’t be better for you to have some experience? Then you’ll probably be more confident, and guys would be way more attracted to you.”

“Guys aren’t attracted to me because I’m not confident,” I said hotly. “They’re not attracted to me because I’m fat!”

“That’s bull and you know it,” Rebecca said, narrowing her eyes. “I can think of at least five people bigger than you who are in happy relationships! Look, if Amy Schumer has a boyfriend, why not you?”

 

I frowned. “I don’t know,” I said. “It all seems kind of slutty, don’t you think?”

“Don’t be outdated,” Rebecca said. She wrinkled her nose. “I had no idea you were such a prude!”

 

“I’m not,” I said, offended. “I just don’t know if it’s for me. And god, you can’t say anything about this to Alex!”

“I would never,” Rebecca said. She mimed drawing a zipper across her lips. “I swear.”

 

I nodded. “Well, that’s good at least,” I said glumly. The beer had temporarily uplifted my spirits but now I just felt worse than ever – bloated and confused and weird.

“And please don’t be mad at me,” Rebecca said. “I swear, Molly, I’d never say anything like that…I just, I don’t know. I guess I thought you had a crush on him.”

My eyebrows flew up. How could she know? I was always so careful!”

“I know, I know, it’s silly and I was projecting,” Rebecca continued. “Still friends?”

 

I nodded, feeling disarmed. My heart was pounding like a drum but I took a deep breath and tried to move past the alarming sensation.

“Of course,” I said. “Always friends.”