Chapter Two
Molly
The next day, I took more care than usual with my appearance. Instead of my usual plus-size jeans and flowy peasant top, I put on a cute sundress with sandals. Rebecca showed me how to do a cat-eye with liquid liner, and after the fifth or sixth try, I actually got it to work. With a quick coat of mascara and some lip gloss, I felt like I actually looked cute for once.
I’ve always been fat. I don’t know what it is – Mom never had junk food lying around, and I never had problems with hiding candy. But a bad metabolism runs in my family. It was manageable when I was younger, but at twenty-two and two hundred and ninety pounds, I felt like a whale. It was easily the number one reason why I’d never tried to date. I saw other big girls in relationships, seemingly happy ones. But I could never work up the confidence – I knew that being rejected would absolutely shatter me and what was left of my self-esteem.
Unlike me, Rebecca was slender and slim. Yet she never tried dating either, she was too shy. In our senior year of college, she got drunk at a party and had sex with a guy in her anthropology class. She said it didn’t live up to the hype – that it felt “okay” but not amazing, and that he was too selfish to help her orgasm after she finished. She slept with him a few more times, but broke it off before he ever asked her out on a real date. The whole experience didn’t exactly fill me with anticipation, even if I was obviously jealous of Rebecca’s foray into sexual awakening.
After getting dressed, I had a light breakfast of cottage cheese and a hardboiled egg, then packed my lunch and set off towards campus. I had butterflies in my stomach about Dan, even though I knew it was stupid. I didn’t even like him – why was I so afraid of being rejected? It was completely dumb.
It’s because I’m dumb, I lamented as I climbed onto the shuttle bus that took me the short distance from the apartment I shared with Rebecca to the university where we studied library science. It’s because I’m a dumb fat girl and I won’t ever know what it feels like to fall in love.
The bus was late, and I had to run, breaking into a sweat and ruining my hair as I darted into the building. Class had already begun and I slid into a seat at the front, determined not to look at Dan.
The minutes dragged by. By the time class was over, I was shaking and sweating with my own fear. Finally, the professor called things to a close and gave us all our assignments for the next class. Swallowing hard, I stood up and waited awkwardly by the door.
“Hi, Molly,” Dan said. He smiled at me. “Are you okay?”
“Um, yeah,” I said, shifting my weight from one foot to the other and biting my lip. “I was wondering if you’d want to get coffee sometime.”
Dan laughed. It sounded nervous to me. “I don’t drink coffee,” he said.
“Oh.”
“But I like tea.”
“Tea is fine,” I said quickly. I smiled. “Thanks!” Turning on my heel, I started walking away.
“Hey, Molly!”
Turning around, I flushed when I saw Dan with his arms crossed over his chest. “Don’t you want my number?”
“Oh my god, I’m so stupid,” I said, darting back to Dan’s side. “Yeah. I’m sorry. You can just put in my phone and I’ll text you.”
I handed my phone over, cringing internally when Dan chuckled at my bright pink phone case. He carefully typed in his number, then handed it back to me. I slipped it in my pocket.
“Okay,” I said. “Um, Friday works for me. What about you?”
“Friday’s no good,” Dan said. “What about tomorrow? Do you have any classes?”
I nodded. “I’m free at four,” I said. “What about you?”
“Me, too. Let’s meet at the student union,” Dan said. “We can always go to Port City Java.”
“Okay. That sounds good.”
Dan nodded. To my relief, he smiled again. “Yeah,” he said. “See you then.”
As I waited for the bus, I tried to untangle my emotions. I wondered how I should be feeling – happy? Relieved? Excited? Some combination of all three.
When I got home, Rebecca was in the kitchen. “Hey!” She yelled. “How did it go?”
“He said yes,” I said. I couldn’t help breaking into a wide smile. “I can’t believe it, but we’re getting coffee tomorrow!”
Rebecca’s eyes went wide. “Wow, tomorrow? You move fast,” she said. “That’s awesome!”
“I’m just happy he didn’t laugh in my face,” I said, glancing down at my huge curvy body. “I thought for sure he was going to reject me.”
“I’m not surprised he said yes,” Rebecca said firmly. “You’re beautiful, Molly.”
I frowned. “I don’t think so.”
“Well, fake it until you make it,” Rebecca said. “Just act confident, and eventually you really will be!”
I groaned as I flopped into a chair and threw my schoolbag on the floor. “I don’t know,” I said. “I wish I believed that. I feel like I’m just going to be this fat awkward loser for the rest of my life.”
“Mol, you have got to stop calling yourself fat! And a loser, for that matter,” Rebecca said. “You’re only a loser if you act like a loser, and you never do!”
I shrugged. “I guess. It’s something, at least.”
“It’s huge,” Rebecca said kindly. “And this way, I don’t know, it’ll be good. Good for you, I mean. Like, even if things don’t work out…you’ll still have the practice of having talked to this guy, right?”
“I guess,” I said. “You’re probably right.”
Rebecca nodded. “Yeah,” she said. “I’m sure everything will work out, boo.”
“Can I have some wine?”
Rebecca laughed. “You’re being naughty,” she said. “It’s Monday!”
“I know, but I feel like I need it,” I said. “Professor Albert gave us fifty pages of reading before Wednesday, can you believe that? This is harder than I thought it would be,” I added. “Part of me wonders if I’m cut out for library school.”
“You are,” Rebecca said. “Although I’ve had the same thought.”
Suddenly, the bathroom door in the hallway swung open. Alex strode out, his chest puffed in the air. When I saw him, I gasped. My cheeks went flaming red and I bit my lip, blushing furiously.
“Well, well, well, Molly’s home!” Alex said in a mocking tone. He walked closer and pouted. “And she doesn’t think she’s cut out for library school, what a shame!”
“Shut up, idiot,” Rebecca said, throwing the words like daggers across the room. To me, she gave me an apologetic look and shrugged. “I had no idea he was coming over, he said he had something to tell me about Mom.”
All I could do was nod. My brief, newfound happiness sailed out the window as I watched Alex pick his way around the kitchen like a cat. He opened the pantry and searched through, humming under his breath as he flipped through our boxes of healthy cereal and granola and snacks.
“You’re so healthy,” Alex said in amazement. “The guys at the fire station would shit themselves if I showed up with this shit!”
“I like to watch what I eat,” I said modestly, looking down at my hands in my lap. They were sweater than ever and I wiped them on my damp skirt.
Alex looked at me for a long time. He let his blue eyes travel the length of my pudgy face, neck, breasts, and the rest of my body.
“What?” I asked. I could feel the blood rising back to my cheeks.
“Oh, nothing,” Alex said. “You just seem like a girl who doesn’t like to diet, that’s all.”
I was too stunned to respond.
“Shut up, Alex!” Rebecca said. She put her hands on her hips. “If you’re going to keep acting like such a jerk, go home!”
“Oh, sis,” Alex said, pouting. “I haven’t even told you why I’m here!”
“I don’t give a fuck if you can’t be here without being rude,” Rebecca said, sassing him back and glaring. I had to admit, I was happy my best friend was standing up for me. But I deserved to be made fun of – I was a huge whale. There was no way a guy like Alex would ever be interested in me.
I should just be happy that Dan said yes, I thought, trying to bring back the fun and excitement of my upcoming date. It doesn’t matter what Alex thinks – he’s a jerk!
“Sorry, Molly,” Alex said. He sniffed. “You’re a big, beautiful woman.”
Even though I knew he probably didn’t mean it, I blushed anyway.
Alex stepped closer and I caught a whiff of his woodsy, spicy cologne.
"Besides,” Alex said in a snide voice. “You must be doing something right! Unless I heard wrong, I think there was something about a date…”
“Shut up,” Rebecca said. “Alex, leave her alone!”
“Do you have plans with someone, Molly?” Alex asked, fluttering his lashes like a girl. I had to admit, he had better eyelashes than any girls I’d ever seen. “A date, with a boy from school?”
“He’s not a boy,” Rebecca thundered angrily. “He’s a man, and he wants to date Molly!”
“Wow, sis, you really need to dial back the lesbo stuff,” Alex said, snickering. “I can practically smell the fish sauce coming out of your panties from here!”
“That’s it!” Rebecca yelled. She grabbed Alex by the arm and dragged him out of the kitchen. Alex didn’t even resist, although I knew he could’ve thrown off his sister’s grip in a second.
“Bye, lovely Molly!” Alex called gaily over his shoulder, shouting to be heard over Rebecca’s angry cries.
I flushed hotly. A mix of anger and something new – something strange and warm and slippery – was building inside of my chest. What was it? Why could Alex always provoke me like that, like I was nothing to him?
It’s because I am nothing to him, I realized sadly. Tears welled up in my eyes and by the time Rebecca had slammed the door and thrown Alex out of our apartment with a loud curse, I was sobbing with my face buried in my hands.
“Oh, no,” Rebecca said. She sank into a chair and put her hand on my shoulder. “Mol, I’m so sorry – look, in the future, this place is an Alex-free zone, okay?”
“It’s not that,” I said, sniffling loudly as I sucked my liquid snot back inside my nose. “It’s just…he’s right, Rebecca. I’m fat, and any guy who would want to date me is obviously some kind of freak!”
“Molly, no! You can’t think like that,” Rebecca said. “Look, you’re going to go out with Dan and have a great time, okay?”
“Okay,” I said sadly. “I’ll try.”
“I’ll kill that asshole if he ever speaks to you again in that same way,” Rebecca said. “Hell, I’m actually just kind of tempted to kill him anyway. Would you mind?”
I sighed. “Don’t bother,” I said. “Maybe he’s right – maybe I should be trying harder to lose weight. Maybe I could join Weight Watchers?”
“Molly, don’t,” Rebecca said in a warning tone. “Don’t do this – you’re better than he is! You know that!”
I sighed, frowning. “I guess,” I mumbled. “Why does it feel so bad?”
“Because he’s a jerk and an asshole,” Rebecca said. “I’ve been putting up with his shit for twenty-two years, and I’m not gonna take it anymore. He’s gonna be sorry for this!”
I nodded in agreement, but secretly, part of me was just wishing to see Alex again.