Chapter Thirty-One
Aiden
We’ve been walking for two hours. She’s tired and so am I, but neither of us complains. I hope to God I can make the walk back…without her. I stare at the brick building, hoping it lives up to its promises.
“Stay, Sassy.” She sits, while I jump the fence and undo the gate.
I call her to me. It’s early, but Harlan is already passed out. If I’m lucky I’ll beat the morning light. I’ll tell him she ran away. He’ll blame me, because it’s always my fault, but I’ll gladly take that beating.
I undo her leash and pet her. She hovers close to me, licking my face.
“It’s okay, girl. This here,” I say, pointing to the building, “it’s a no-kill shelter. They won’t hurt you here. No one will hurt you anymore.”
I pull out the plastic bag from my pocket. “I got a treat for you.” I hold up the steak, but she doesn’t go for it. It holds no interest for her, even though I know she is starving.
Do not cry.
Do not cry.
Do not cry.
You are fucking fifteen years old.
I stand to leave and she follows me.
“Stay, Sassy.” But for once she doesn’t heed me. It’s like she knows I’m abandoning her.
“Stay!”
I keep walking and she runs right alongside me.
“Damn, stupid dog, stay!”
I lose it a little because she is my only friend. My best friend. And I’m leaving her.
I bend and pet her again. “Listen to me. I won’t let him hurt you anymore…or me. I don’t know where I’ll end up, which means I don’t know where you’ll end up. I can’t risk it. So you stay here. You have a good chance here. If you stay with me they might put you in the pound and those dogs…” I can’t finish the sentence. “You don’t want to be one of those dogs.” I kiss her head. “Stay here, girl. Be your normal smart and sassy self. Some great family will fall in love with you at first sight. You won’t have to protect anyone or get your ass handed to you every time you do.”
I stand and gesture toward the front of the building where I left the steak. Her tail drops and then her head. She gives me that big long stare which speaks volumes about how much she really understands about the world.
I walk out and lock the chain-link gate once more. I lean my head against it, lightheaded from the lack of water, the long walk, and saying good-bye to my best friend. Sassy doesn’t bark as I leave. I would say she whined, but it wasn’t the ordinary whine she made when she had to go to the bathroom or was hurt. No, Sassy cried, the sound piercing through the dark quiet night. That cry will always haunt me.
“I will always love you, Sassy.”
...
Sun filters through the dark. I blink awake. Emma is packing up our stuff.
“Morning,” she says.
“How long have you been up?”
“A while. I did our laundry.”
“Why didn’t you wake me?” I stare at the clock. It’s close to checkout time.
She folds one of my shirts. “You looked tired, Aiden.” She sits at the edge of the bed and strokes my cheek. “You had another nightmare last night.”
I stand from the bed and stretch. What I really need is a good run to still all the rushing thoughts in my head.
“Do you want to tell me about it?”
“I don’t remember.”
It’s clear Emma can tell I’m lying, but what really kills me is how hurt she is by it. But she accepts my answer.
“We better get moving,” I say. I scrub my face and brush my teeth. I rub my jaw where a fresh growth of stubble covers it. There is no time to shave.
We head out on old I-40, each lost in our own thoughts. Emma glances at me occasionally. She is worried about me. She is sad because today she has to bury her mother. Despite all those things, she is strong. Not just strong…stoic.
“I was dreaming about my dog.” I laugh because it sounds ridiculous.
“Theo?”
“My first dog.”
“Sassy?”
“Yes. I don’t know why I still think about her.”
“Probably because you love her.”
I nod and we go silent for ten miles at least. “I wonder if she ever found a place to call home.”
“Didn’t you give her to a good family?”
I had told Emma I gave her away, but it wasn’t exactly the whole truth. “I left her in the fenced yard of this dog shelter. I don’t know if she ever got adopted. I kind of abandoned her.”
“Aiden, you didn’t. I’m sure she found a good home…a safe home.” She reaches for hand and squeezes it. “I’m thinking what a compassionate boy you were and what a strong man you are. Even when you were going through so much, you still thought of her. I know you needed her, but you cared about her enough to let her go. That’s love any way you slice it.”
The sincerity in her voice dissipates some of the guilt. She has no idea how much I appreciate what she says. I can’t express it without sounding like a babbling fool so I kiss the underside of her wrist. I hope the gesture conveys all the things I cannot voice. The things she deserves to hear.
“It had to be getting really bad for you to make the decision.”
I’ve disconnected and fragmented my life as if each phase belongs to a different person, a different version of me. Some versions I’m proud of and others I’d rather not think about. But everything I’ve been through is connected. I should have known better than to try to give Emma a piece here and there. She sees me in a way I don’t deserve.
“It was real bad.”
She waits for me, but I cannot give her any more.
“Aiden, will you tell me about the freedom scar?”
“Emma…”
She bites the edge of her thumbnail. “I’m sorry. It’s hard for you to talk about, and I don’t want to make you go to dark places, but my imagination is working on its own. I’m imagining why the slash mark means freedom.”
“I know the plan was to go straight through today, since we stayed in New Mexico yesterday. But how about if we stop in Dallas for the night. It’s only two hours from Linx. We can rest up and leave early.”
She nods, allowing me to change the subject. Emma, don’t you see? The dark is part of me. It lives and breathes inside of me. You’re not leading me to dark places. I am already there. And now, so are you.