“So, you see, it’s all gonna be okay,” Molly Ramsey excitedly informed her two best friends an hour later inside the crowded Buckhead bistro where they’d met for lunch. “He’s gay, guys! I can marry a gay guy. Especially when I know it will give a woman that I’ve thought of as another grandmother all my life some kind of peace in her last days on Earth.”
Exchanging a look of incredulity with Sami before focusing on Molly, Vivian Miller slowly dropped her fork back to her plate and stared across the table at the hopeful redhead currently embroiled in nervously shredding her napkin. “Molly, honey, gay men don’t have steamy make out sessions on the couch with women. It’s just not done, sweetie.”
Grimacing for a second, Molly’s mind worked to find a logical response for Viv’s statement. “Maybe he was making a last ditch attempt at being straight. I don’t think Devil’s real comfortable with his sexuality yet. I mean, he’s been hiding behind all these women for years, y’all.”
“Gay men do not get hard for women, chica,” Sami retorted with a smirk. “From what you’ve said, the little Devil rose to the occasion.”
Shaking her head, Molly sniffed delicately. “He did, but I really expected it to be… bigger, you know?”
“You did say that you were both still wearing your clothes. Those tend to dull sensation,” Vivian pointed out reasonably.
“That’s what he said,” Molly replied with a frown. “He got all put out with me this morning for suggesting that he wasn’t exactly flying his flag at full mast last night. I was trying to make him feel better about it, but he just got growly with me.”
“Straight men’ll do that when you diss their package,” Sami mused with a smirk, popping a cherry tomato from her salad between her lips.
“A man’s ego is such a fragile thing, darlin’,” Vivian added with a sympathetic smile.
“Maybe,” Molly allowed with a small shake of her head. “But, I told him that I was sure his boyfriend appreciated everything he had. I wasn’t trying to insult him.”
“Honey, that would only smooth ruffled feathers if he actually had a boyfriend,” Vivian tried to explain, flashing a smile at their passing waiter and shaking her head when he gestured toward their drinks. “We’re fine,” she murmured with a dismissive hand.
Waiting until the man was safely away from their table, Molly toyed with her sweaty glass of sweet tea. “What are y’all saying exactly?” she asked her two best friends in the world.
Vivian shot Sami a beseeching look before staring down at her half eaten salad. “Samantha,” she murmured without looking at Molly. “Why don’t you take this one?”
Choking on her martini, Sami shot Vivian an evil look. “Why me?” she snapped irritably. “Why do I always have to be the one to break bad news?”
“You’re the one at the table that’s had the most experience with gay men,” Vivian rationalized, picking at her club sandwich halfheartedly as she avoided Molly’s gaze.
“That’s true,” Sami mumbled before draining her glass and focusing her attention on Molly. “I don’t know how to tell you this, Mols, but that man of yours… He’s not gay. At all. In any way.”
“Not even a little bit?” Molly whimpered. She could tell both the women looking at her felt bad for having to burst her bubble. She also trusted their collective judgment. If they were convinced that Devil wasn’t a homosexual, then that meant…
“Listen, sweets, I’ve worked with gay men. Half the fashion industry is homosexual. And if that wasn’t enough, I’ve lived with a gay roommate. I’ve witnessed firsthand their mating practices. Take it from someone that has actively filled the role of the ‘beard’ before, you’re not dealing with an alternate lifestyle here.” Sami stared across the table at her best friend. “Based on my experience, I think I’m qualified to tell you that Devil Delancy is one hundred percent a horny, heterosexual hunk. Albeit, one with a penis of questionable size,” she amended with a tiny smile.
“That could have been stage fright,” Vivian assured Molly with a supportive smile. “Or the clothes. Could have been the clothes. Some of those slacks he wears are entirely too baggy,” she mused.
“Or he could just have a wee willy winkie,” Sami said regretfully.
“I’m going to kill him,” Molly declared, staring into space as she accepted the inevitable truth. Devil Delancy was not only a horndog.
He was a liar, too.
Covering one of Molly’s hands, Vivian squeezed. “I’ll bring the duct tape, honey.”
Lifting her martini, Sami toasted the two women. “And I’ve got the shovel! With the right alibi, we’re good to go.”
Looking between the two women, united in their solidarity to have her back, Molly smiled. At least, she’d never have to carry a body alone.
~~***~~
A few miles away, Devil Delancy weaved his way through the tables of the packed sports bar where he’d chosen to meet his best friend for lunch. Damn it, how could he have forgotten that the Falcons played the Dolphins this weekend? Hell, every sports enthusiast that wasn’t in Miami seemed to have found their way into McGillicuddy’s Sports Bar this afternoon. Spotting Grant at a table near the back, he nodded as the other man waved to him.
“Man, you look like shit,” Grant greeted his buddy as the other man took the stool across from him. “Nice fat lip you’re sporting, too,” he added with a satisfied grin. “I take it that visit to Molly’s didn’t yield the results you’d hoped to get.”
“You are an asshole, and your sister is certifiably insane,” Devil growled, glaring at the other man. Dressed in jeans and a faded tee shirt, the other man was the picture of the relaxed, content family man that he was. He envied the son of a bitch.
“Awww, trouble in paradise already?” Grant asked eagerly, propping his elbow on the scarred table and dropping his chin in his hand. “Do tell,” he invited with an impish gleam in his eyes.
“Where do I start?” Devil groused, his black eyebrows drawing together ominously. “How about the fact that your whack job sibling has decided that I’m gay?! Gay, Grant! As in, batting for the other team!”
Barking out a sharp laugh, Grant reached for his frosty mug of beer. “God, sometimes I freaking love my baby sister!”
“Well, sugar, I don’t see how any woman with her vision could mistake you for anything other than Grade-A Prime Man,” a sultry eyed waitress announced as she halted at her table.
“Thanks,” Devil muttered, barely glancing at the buxom blonde standing beside their table. “I’ll just have whatever’s on tap.”
Twitching his lips at the disappointed moue of the woman’s lips as she scribbled Dev’s order on her pad, Grant cleared his throat and held his half-empty mug up. “I’ll take a refill, too. Thanks.” Watching as the waitress nodded and turned to walk away, he shifted his gaze back to his best friend. “Okay, I think I believe you now,” Grant remarked thoughtfully.
“What?” Devil grunted, glancing across the table at his longtime friend.
“That you might have a thing for my sister.” Shaking his head, he glanced at their shapely waitress where she stood at the bar, filling their order. “That,” he nodded toward the woman, “is one hot piece of tail, and you barely noticed her.”
“No shit,” Devil snapped irritably. “I told you yesterday that I’ve only got eyes for Molly. I might have spent time with a few women over the past year, but I can guarantee you that none of those so-called relationships went past drinks and a meal. Maybe an occasional show. That’s it.”
Raising an eyebrow, Grant schooled his features into a mask of concern. “Is that because of the gender identity crisis you’re having?” he mock-whispered.
“Asshole,” Devil snarled under his breath.
Grant was still laughing when the pretty waitress returned with their drinks. Waiting until she’d moved on to the next table, he looked at Devil again. “Okay, seriously, how the hell did you manage to give Mols the idea that you, of all people, are gay?”
Shaking his head, Devil stared at the ceiling. “I’ve got no fucking clue,” he groaned. “One second, I was trying to explain to her that I wasn’t the horny bastard that she thought I was and that those women I’d seen over the last year were just a distraction, and the next thing I knew, she’d jumped to the fucking conclusion that I was a homosexual! ME, Grant! She thinks I’m GAY!”
Clearing his throat as several patrons turned to look at them, Grant grinned. “Lover’s spat,” he explained nonchalantly to the nearest table. “He’s reluctant to go public with our relationship.”
Devil groaned as the men at the other table quickly averted their eyes and ran a hand down his face. “You may be more of a lunatic than she is.”
“It runs in the family, man. I’m sure you’ll get used to it,” Grant informed him amiably, lifting his beer to his lips.
Toying with the handle of his own mug, Devil shook his head morosely. “What in the hell am I going to do, Grant? She was fucking happy. After she drew her faulty assumption, she was more than willing to marry me.”
“Well, is there any way at all you could learn to love dick?” Grant asked hopefully.
“You know, I kicked your ass in high school for that smartass attitude you’ve got and broke your nose. Want me to make it your jaw this time? Just to mix it up a little?” Devil questioned curiously, leveling his friend with a severe look.
Clearing his throat, Grant grinned. “I think one of us wearing bruises at a time is quite enough,” he commented, gesturing at Devil’s cheek. “She gave you a hell of a shiner. How’d that happen?”
“I’d rather not discuss that,” Devil murmured, flushing as he recalled Molly’s hurt anger when he’d called a halt to last night’s intimacy between them.
Noting the guilty expression on Dev’s face, Grant leaned toward him, his earlier smile suddenly gone. “What did you do to my sister, Devil?” he asked with a new hardness in his voice.
Averting his gaze, Devil shifted in his seat. He could feel Grant’s condemning gaze burning into him. “We might have gotten a little close last night,” he admitted hoarsely.
“How close?” Grant retorted, tightening his hand around his beer.
“Close enough so that when I stopped, your sister was less than pleased with my unwillingness to cooperate with her. She assumed it was because I was comparing her to the other women I’ve been with in the past year when in reality, it was because I didn’t want to dishonor her by taking something that wasn’t mine to have just yet. Happy now?” he asked his oldest friend impatiently.
“Uh, no!” Grant glared at his buddy. “Keep your hands and every other part of your anatomy to yourself until you make an honest woman of my sister,” he demanded with a low growl. “Or, I swear Devil, I will remove your dick with a butter knife.”
“I’m trying! It was your sister that was an octopus!” Devil retorted defensively.
“Try harder,” Grant ordered simply, clearly apathetic to his friend’s plight.
“You don’t have to worry. Evidently, during the course of last night’s activities, she didn’t think I rose to the occasion, if you know what I mean. One more nail in my gay coffin as far as she’s concerned.”
Eyes widening comically, Grant’s jaw slackened. “Wait!” he began to laugh, holding up a finger as he tried to grasp this new line of thinking. “My baby sister told you that you’ve got a little willy?”
Devil’s shoulders sagged as the other man cackled. There was really no end to his humiliation. It really wasn’t fair, either. He was trying to do all the right things. Granted, this was a nightmare of his own making, but the Almighty could spare a little mercy, couldn’t He? Especially since he was doing his level best to act like a good, upstanding Christian man.
“You know, when you’re done laughing at my misfortune, could you spare a minute to actually say something useful?”
Wiping his eyes with the back of his arm as his laughter tapered off, Grant nodded. “I’ll try. It’s gonna take a Herculean effort, but for you, I’ll give it a shot.”
“I need better friends,” Devil muttered with a sigh.
“Okay,” Grant said after a long pull from his glass. “Let me see if I’ve got all this straight. Last night, you went to my baby sister’s house, ostensibly to clarify things between you. While there, you found yourself accosted by my petite sibling. During the course of this assault, she ascertained that you had a tiny wee wee…”
“I didn’t learn her thoughts on my wee wee until this morning, but yeah,” Devil grumbled.
“Wait. You stayed the night?” Grant all but roared, again drawing stares from the surrounding tables.
“On the couch,” Devil clarified quickly, noting the bulging vein in Grant’s head. “Calm down!” Christ, Karen would kill him if he gave Grant a heart attack. And two Ramsey women on a rampage would be way too much for him to bear. “I stayed the night because after I put a stop to things, Molly got a little… emotional. She threw a punch that would have made Ali proud and stormed off to her room. I stayed because I wanted to put things right between us first thing this morning.”
“And that didn’t go the way you’d planned,” Grant surmised, relaxing slightly as he nailed his friend with another look.
“Since she’s drawn the conclusion that I like guys, I’d say no. Something went very wrong!”
Holding up his hands, Grant closed his eyes. “Okay, so you stayed the night. On the couch. You both got up this morning and she magically thought you liked dick?”
“No! I told you, I tried to explain about the women. But, something went wrong. I told her that it wasn’t what she thought… those girls and myself, you know? At first, she didn’t believe me. Then, I tossed my phone at her and told her to start calling them to verify my story. I knew that I hadn’t screwed any of them. Hell, I barely kissed any of them. I had nothing to fear.”
“And?” Grant urged, avidly listening to every word.
“That’s when her eyes got big and glassy, but that wasn’t the scariest thing, Grant. The woman got quiet. Like still as stone, coulda-heard-a-pin-drop quiet.”
“That’s bad.” Grant shuddered. Molly mouthy and raging was a good sign. A man could work with that. Molly quiet? Nuh uh, that meant somebody better batten down the hatches because all hell was about to erupt.
“Yeah,” Devil said succinctly. “The next thing I knew, she’d jumped out of her chair and given me a pep talk about the dangers of the freaking closet and how I was here and queer, and it was a valid life choice!”
Grant managed not to choke on his beer again. Barely. “You are soooo screwed, man,” he mumbled into his glass. “When she figures out that you’re not a homosexual, the fires of hell are going to surround you.”
“Thanks for that,” Devil growled, reaching for his beer and taking a healthy swig. “Do you have any suggestions here?”
“Is it too late for you to enlist in the army? What’s their cut-off? Seriously, Dev, Afghanistan might seem like a great vacay compared to facing down Mol when she figures all this out.”
“You are so incredibly helpful. I don’t know why I didn’t call you sooner,” Devil spat sarcastically, lifting a hand to rub his tense neck. Glancing at his watch, he grimaced. “I’ve got approximately six hours to figure this out. Molly said she’d meet me at my house around seven to work out all the pesky details of our wedding.”
“You’ve got to tell her the truth,” Grant insisted quickly. “The longer you let her believe the lie, the worse her wrath will be.”
“I didn’t lie!” Devil yelped. “She assumed. Before I could make her understand, she shoved me out of her house. This isn’t my fault. I’m innocent!”
Laughing, Grant shook his head. “You poor bastard,” he drawled sympathetically. “You really are a clueless son of a bitch. Haven’t you figured out that when it comes to a woman, we’re always at fault?”
“Aw, fuck!” Devil buried his head in his hands. “The only good news that I’ve gotten today is from Nana. The cardiologist thinks he’ll release her from the hospital by Wednesday.”
“I know.” Grant nodded. “I checked in this morning when I made rounds. The old woman is thrilled, Dev. She’s having visions of grandchildren dance through her head.”
“Tell me about it,” Devil replied, lifting his head. “She nearly took my head off for not having Molly with me today. She had her heart set on seeing the Delancy diamond on Mol’s finger.”
“How’d you get around that?” Grant asked with interest. He had to admit he was having a ball watching the normally staid Devil tap dance to the matrimonial beat.
“I explained that I didn’t feel right about offering the ring to Molly until I’d spoken to your parents. I swore that I’d bring Molly directly to Nana after that was done. I thought I’d have Molly invite me over to their place after church on Sunday. The Ramsey clan still does the Sunday family dinner, don’t they?”
Rubbing his hands together gleefully in anticipation of that event, Grant nodded enthusiastically. “And this is one dinner that I will not be missing.”
“Oh, Jesus,” Devil moaned. “You couldn’t even make this part easy on me?”
“Hell, no. Besides, you might need me. I’m a doctor, you know. I’m fully trained and qualified to administer CPR to whichever of my unfortunate parents should need it.”
“Your parents love me,” Devil yelped indignantly.
“Yeah, when you were romancing somebody else’s daughter,” Grant offered truthfully. “Dad’s gonna want to gut you with a dull spoon,” he guessed with no small amount of enthusiasm. “It’s gonna be awesome!”
Staring at his best friend, Devil could only blow out a long breath and hang his head. Molly was going to kill him, Grant was laughing at him, and their parents would probably have him murdered in his sleep.
And this was the family that he desperately wanted to join? God was definitely not on the Devil’s side.