“Oh, God, NOOOOOO! Right, Spawn! I said go right!!!!” Devil shrieked, his normally deep voice rising dramatically as he pressed one hand against the windshield and reached for the steering wheel with the other, yanking it to the right so they could exit the freeway.
“Madre de Dios! We’re all going to dieeeeeeee,” Devlynn’s Uncle Mannie squealed from the backseat as he fumbled for his seat belt, strapping it quickly as a horn blared behind their Mercedes Benz.
“It’s all Daddy’s fault,” Devlynn huffed as she tried to keep the huge boat of a car steady in her lane. “He’s the one that insisted I drive this tank! I wanted to practice in mom’s Fiat.”
Turning his head quickly to glare at his daughter, Devil shook his head. “Under no circumstances are you ever driving that death trap that your mother bought behind my back. EVER. Do you understand me Devlynn Kathleen Delancy?”
“Ach! Quit middle namin’ the poor lass, Devil. My bonny granddaughter is doin’ just fine,” Devlynn’s great-grandmother Kathleen Delancy admonished from the backseat of the sedan.
“Nana, have you gone senile in the last half hour?” Devil yelped, looking over his shoulder at his beloved grandmother.
Smacking her infamous ever-present wooden spoon against her grandson’s shoulder, Nana narrowed her still shrewd eyes on Devil. “Don’t push me, lad. My engine might have slowed a smidge, but the wheels up here still turn just fine,” she assured him, using her spoon to tap the side of her head meaningfully.
“Be that as it may, I’d still be grateful to see you reach your one hundred and first year of life this August, Nana, and that will only happen if your great-granddaughter quickly learns that the posted speed limits are not negotiable,” Devil retorted, glowering at the speedometer as Devlynn navigated another curve on two wheels.
“Dad, I’m going five miles under the speed limit. I’m going so slow that the little old lady that just passed us flipped me the frickin’ bird when she drove by,” Devlynn returned defensively, pulling her eyes off the road long enough to shoot her father an exasperated look.
“That’s true, papi,” Armando agreed with a supportive nod, “I’m pretty sure she was saying some pretty colorful things to us, too. My lip-reading skills are rusty, but I think she said…”
“The other drivers and their potty mouths aren’t my concern, Mannie. Devlynn is, and she is not yet a confident enough driver to push the speed limits,” Devil dismissed the backseat driver sitting behind him rapidly before glaring over his shoulder at the flamboyant man. “And for the thousandth time, quit calling me papi, you Latin Liberace wannabe! Seriously, who the hell wears sequins on a t-shirt?”
Thrusting out his chest, Mannie looked down at his chest. “What?” he whined, eyeing the sparkly red, green and blue sequined rainbow on the front of his white tee-shirt. “You don’t like it? Nick said it looked beautiful this morning.”
“It’s totally gorgeous, Uncle Mannie. Dad’s just jealous of your style,” Devlynn assured him quickly, taking one hand off the wheel to pinch her dad’s arm. “Right, Daddy?” she prodded.
Personally, Devil thought Armando possessed all the style of a colorblind spider monkey hopped up on speed, but it was clear by the look on his kid’s face that her feet were firmly planted on her uncle’s side. She looked just like her mother when she got pissed. From her pursed lips to her flashing eyes, Devlynn was the very image of Molly when she was mad. But her temper, however…. Well, she got that from him. And he could tell that if he didn’t backtrack quickly and soothe Armando’s ruffled feathers, he was gonna be dealing with one massive explosion. “Of course. The shirt looks great…. on you. Very colorful,” he added weakly, inhaling quickly as the traffic light ahead of them turned yellow and his daughter sped through the intersection. “Shit!” he yelled, closing his eyes and bracing for the impact of an oncoming vehicle as Mannie squealed and Nana gasped in the backseat.
When Devil realized he was still breathing a few heartbeats later, he stiffened in his seat as a cacophony of car horns behind them blew a noisily rousing rendition of ‘Fuck You, You Asshole!’. Turning in his seat, he looked over his shoulder and was relieved to find that they’d luckily managed to avoid creating an accident. “What the hell was that, Devlynn?” he barked, flapping a hand toward the traffic light she’d just blown through.
“What?” Devlynn returned innocently as she swerved around a mini-van plodding along in front of them. “It was a yellow light, Dad.”
“Uh, yeah! A yellow light. Where we’re from, yellow means to slow the hell down! Not accelerate to warp speed! You stomped on the gas back there like you’d just stolen this car and had the cops on your ass,” Devil accused angrily.
“That’s a bit dramatic, pops. Mom always says a yellow light is more of a suggestion to slow down if you want, not an actual order to stop,” Devlynn reasoned carelessly.
“What?” Devil yelped. “You’re taking driving tips from your mother? The same mother that was in three fender benders and got six tickets last year?
“Oh, dear,” Nana murmured from the back seat.
“Uh oh,” Mannie grunted, wincing.
“Not one of those accidents was Mom’s fault,” Devlynn returned with practiced ease.
“Doesn’t matter! If you ever want even a tiny chance of getting your own car after you get your license, you will never take your mom’s advice on driving. E-ver, do you hear me?” he growled, tightening his hand around the seatbelt against his chest.
Sighing heavily, Devlynn nodded solemnly, her eyes widening as she belatedly spotted the stop sign they were quickly approaching. “Whoopsie,” she murmured apologetically as she stomped on the brake.
Shaking his head as his daughter slammed on the brakes at the four-way stop sign a mere block away from their house, the sudden halt of the car jarred the teeth of each passenger in the vehicle. “Easy, Devlynn!” Devil groaned as the abrupt stop rocked his body forward and back in the passenger seat. “You need to start braking the vehicle way before you’re standing on top of the stop sign,” he chided sharply.
“What are you talking about? I did stop, Dad!” Devlynn argued defensively. “I stopped, didn’t I, guys?” she asked, looking into the rearview mirror for support from her uncle and great grandmother.
“Stop is such a relative term, mi Chiquita,” Mannie hedged.
“You’ll get better with practice, lass,” Nana soothed with a smile at her granddaughter.
“Thank you, Nana,” Devlynn replied quietly as she pressed on the gas again, driving them the remainder of the distance to her home in silence.
Finally reaching their destination, Devil held his breath as his only offspring navigated the car into the driveway, only relaxing when she pushed the gear shift into park and killed the ignition.
“Well, Dad? I know I had a couple of rocky moments, but overall, how’d I do?” Devlynn questioned excitedly.
Leaning his head back against the leather headrest, Devil debated how best to answer his offspring. He never wanted to kill her confidence, but at the same time he tried to never lie to her.
“Well, Spawn, I’d say you’re a chip of the old block,” he returned with a loving smile.
Because no one ever accused Devil Delancy of being a stupid man, the fact that it was her mother’s side of the block was left unsaid.