Nora
I am reading to Lotte. I was good this week. Now I am allowed to read to her after dinner most nights. There isn’t much time after cooking, watching them eat, finally being allowed to eat myself and then cleaning up all the dinner dishes but I covet my time with her. The leaves have started to lose their vibrant green and soon will begin turning.
“I’m leaving, Lotte,” I whisper.
She grips my hand firmly. “Take me with you.”
I look her in the eyes. “I want to.”
“You can’t leave me here.”
There are boot clunks near her door. “And then the princess fell into a deep sleep . . .” Lotte squeezes my hand, when it is safe to speak again. “He said he’s going hunting tomorrow. I am going to run for help.” Lotte’s eyes well with tears and my heart breaks a little for her. “You can be brave for me, right?”
“Why can’t I go with you?” she asks.
“I have a better chance of making it alone, Lotte. The terrain is too rough for you to be safe.”
“Enough.” Holden’s voice cuts through the solid wood bedroom door.
“Coming,” I call back. “Goodnight,” I whisper to her. I kiss Lotte’s forehead and rush to Holden. In the living room, he motions for me to sit next to him. I do.
He looks me up and down. “How was your day?”
“Could have been better,” I say quietly.
“Is that attitude?” I shake my head no and clamp my mouth shut. “Nora, I want to give you everything.” His finger trails down my exposed arm. “Why can’t you let me?”
“Let you?” I seethe. “You kidnapped me.”
Holden’s eyes grow stormy, as if I have affronted him with my words. He treats me like a dog and he should know that hungry dogs are never loyal. All this time, I treated him like the cure, when he was the poison. How could I have been so stupid to fall for him before? I hate myself for thinking it feels naughty and forbidden, even to be sitting here with him alone. It is probably both. My breathing grows ragged under his glare.
“I think you are ungrateful.” I laugh. Because what else is there to do at his words? He backhands me quickly. Spittle flings from my mouth. When my gaze meets his, it is murderous. He stands and lifts me easily in his arms. He kisses me, hard and hungry. I hate him. I bite his tongue. He carries me outside and throws me in the box. Splinters lodge in my knees, as I skid on the floor. He slams the door shut. I pound on it but it does not give way.
“I’m sorry, Holden. Forgive me,” I scream. “I will do whatever you want.” His footfalls still. I can hear his labored breathing.
“Whatever I want?” he calls out. My eyes go wide. No, I think. But I say, “Yes.” The door swings open, one arm shoots in, grabs me and wrenches me into the cool night air. He leans his forehead against mine. I tremble. Holden isn’t affected at all by my fear. “I want to give you pleasure, Nora.” His words shoot icy daggers of fear down my arms. We have not been intimate since the night before he locked me away. A dampness forms between my legs, regardless of my brain screaming no, no, no at me. My body still remembers the way Holden made me feel before. He shakes me like a rag doll. My hair flies around my face. “Still willing to do anything?” he asks.
I swallow thickly, look him square in the eye and nod. He lays me down right there in the grass in front of the cabin. His hands and mouth jump across my skin, leaving a slimy feeling wherever they touch. I stare at the stars and try to transport myself anyplace but here as he finishes and collapses on top of me, like a load of bricks.
When I wake, it is a beautiful day. I do my morning chores and make sure Lotte is okay before I wander into the woods. Holden was out before the sunrise. Gone hunting. Normally, I would pause to enjoy the splendor surrounding me. But not today. My heart revs from steady to overdrive, forcing me to slow my breath and listen to the wind whispering in the trees. Tense seconds pass. I took a chance leaving the cabin. But there is no movement near me. Only silence. Standing, I look up the trail into the dense brush. Nothing.
Dusk is closing in; soon it will be dark. His boots crunch the earth. The sound echoes. I take another step. I do not know where I am. Somewhere behind me, Holden starts laughing. His voice makes the laughter sound like it’s coming from a monster. The primitive need to survive takes control of my muscles and before I am aware of what I’m doing, I am sprinting. The canopy shatters fast—dropping light into glittering shards. A chipmunk skitters close to my foot and ducks into a hole. My knees are buckling, but I grab branches and exposed roots to steady myself. I am the prey. Holden the hunter.
“It’s very easy to become disoriented in the forest. People forget, you don’t walk in a straight line. There are thickets and fallen trees to skirt around, ridges to cross, and you can’t count on the sun or moon, because they’re often too hard to see through the canopy or when it’s cloudy.” Holden’s voice is close. I try to keep as still as possible but I don’t feel like I’m getting enough oxygen. I need to breathe deeply. “Deep in the woods, like this, everything starts to look the same. You think you know where you are, but you’re probably wrong.”
While he talks, I try to move. Hoping he can’t hear me over the sound of his own voice. I trip on a lump of stone and shrub. Sunlight flashes between trees and blinds me. My ankle snaps. The pain fills every space in my body. I lay on the ground, breathing hard. I turn my head. The view is different from the forest floor. Holden steps into view. My hope snaps like a rubber band. Fear billows out in its place, making me woozy.
I realize I’m cornered by a hunter and have no way to escape. Something flashes in Holden’s eyes. Something harder, gruffer than normal. I recognize the look. I have crossed a line. Anger rolls off him in waves. He lifts me with ease and marches us to a clearing where his truck is parked. He throws me at the passenger door. His hands encircle my neck. Green eyes blaze into mine, and his fingers tighten. I fight for air. I cannot speak to tell him I can’t breathe. Panic seizes me. He squeezes tighter and my vision blurs, white spots moving over his face. His arms tighten and I am sure this is it.
Holden closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and when he opens them, they are clear again. “You should not have tried to leave.” His voice makes tears prick my eyes. He releases me with a shove. I open the truck door and climb in. I will not cry, though. I will show no weakness. Holden drives like the devil is after us, and I cling to the door handle. He is breathing hard and grips the steering wheel, like he is strangling it. Like he wishes it were me.
He carries me in from the truck and throws me on the couch. The bounce makes my ankle throb. He lifts my leg and inspects my injury.
“Will it heal right?” I ask. My voice threatens to crack but I manage to keep it even.
“I’m not a doctor. I haven’t been to medical school; I haven’t even been to high school.”
“Okay,” I mumble.
“I need to splint it.” He gently sets my ankle down and kisses my knee cap. I recoil from his advance. I rub at my throat. The skin still tender from Holden’s hands. He brings over a box and sets it on the floor. After splinting my ankle, he pushes my chest until I am leaning against the back of the couch. He places his arms on either side of my shoulders and bends down. He kisses each tender fingerprint bruise along my neck. A necklace of kisses.
“When will you learn, Nora? I only want to pleasure you. You keep making me punish you. You will never earn free will this way,” he whispers in my ear.
Hope blooms in my chest at the word freedom. I can earn my freedom. My brain goes haywire with thoughts.
“Free will is like butterfly wings: once touched, they can never fly again. I don’t want that. I want to pull my own strings. You aren’t really giving me free will. I have choices but only within the confines of your rules.”
“How is free will different away from here? Are there not laws? Rules at home?”
“Is this a test?” I ask.
“Isn’t everything?” he says and stands.
I wrinkle my brow. “Are we negotiating?”
“Always. I want you to be compliant.”
I lift my chin and bolster what is left of my confidence. “Then I have wants.”
He grins at me in a way that makes my insides cold. “Tell me.”
“I want . . . to go home.”
“No.”
I bite my bottom lip before trying again. “I want to go to town with you.”
“No.” I scramble for another option. My brain is foggy with pain and exhaustion.
“I want it to be like it was before. I want freedom during the days like before. To wander, to play with Lotte, to swim and teach and learn. I want an hour alone in my room every evening.”
Holden grins wolfishly. “Okay.”
I wilt in relief but soon anger washes over me. My hands clench into fists. “You played me, it was a test.”
Holden does not answer. He smirks before pushing off the wall and striding away. I dig my nails into my palms. It’s a small victory—the independence he’s agreed to but it wasn’t really a victory, if he was going to allow it anyhow.