Nora
I look past Dr. Richardson to the shelf behind her. It is lined with books on many different mental ailments. I fixate on one titled; DID treatment options. Maybe I have another personality. One for Holden and one for me. Maybe I split and now will never be able to go back to before I tutored.
I look to Dr. Richardson “I lost my freedom many times before I believed it. I woke every day and for seconds, I was a free woman, then anxiety hit me like a brick. My greatest error in this life was believing that if I cast a beautiful net, I would only catch beautiful things. Holden carried me far from the things that would leave me cold and raw with his pain and pleasure. I knew all this, yet I needed him, too. My brain lost the battle with my heart. Rational things didn’t matter,” I tell her.
Dr. Richardson stares at me, mouth hanging open, before she can school her reaction.
“I’m at a loss, Nora. I know you know the difference between right and wrong. I know you see the horror you endured but you refuse to refute it, in fact you embrace it, romanticize it.” She sighs and jots notes on her pad.
“I’d like to get back now, if that’s alright with you.”
Dr. Richardson looks up from her notes and sighs.
“Yes. That’s fine. I’ll see you in a few days.”
“Till then,” I say. She helps me with my coat and opens the door for me.
By the time they find the remains, I’m already back at the motel with Eve. Agent Brown knocks on the door. I know, because she announces herself while she knocks.
“How’re you doing?” she asks.
I shrug because I really don’t know. I’m all over the place. The thought of Holden having any intimacy with another woman makes it difficult to breathe. But Agent Brown said I was special. Holden said I was special. I comfort myself with the thought that I was chosen carefully because I was special, more than the two poor girls in the ground.
There were others. I always knew it—logically, but I’d hoped it was just me. Me and Holden. That somehow I was special. Then Eve came, but still, maybe I could learn to accept it was just us two. But no. Julie, went missing in 2012 at nineteen years old and the other; Tegan disappeared in late 2013 at twenty. Eve was taken in September of 2014, and escaped only three months before I took the job. Eve lasted for over a year. Eve survived the longest before escaping; longer than twenty four weeks; longer than me. I wonder if they will be able to figure out the dead girl’s’ approximate year or month of death. Did they die of the same cause of death? Did Holden treat them as he treated me? Only ever you whispers through my head and I want to laugh in horror or sorrow or maybe both. It was never only ever me. That clicking in my brain starts again.
“Tomorrow morning, we’ll head out. Eve, are you still going home with Nora?” Agent Brown’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts.
Eve looks to me. I say, “Where else does she have to go?” to Agent Brown.
“When will you have concrete confirmation on the bodies?” Eve asks.
“Within forty-eight hours.”
“That’s good news,” I say. “But what happens now?”
Agent Brown and Eve both look to me. It’s a valid question. We’re still no closer to finding Holden or Lotte.
“We found the other cabin, your cabin, Nora. I found these.” She hands a box to me and another to Eve. I know what is inside Eve’s box. I do not know what Holden left for me. I hope it will have the letters I found and my charm from the necklace Ang gave me but that seems like a long shot.
“I’ll let you girls have a moment,” Agent Brown says. She leaves our room and suddenly it is filled with silence. Eve does not speak, nor do I. I sit cross legged on the bed and put my hands on top of the box.
I open the lid. Aubry’s letters are there. I haven’t read them. I should have when I had the chance but I didn’t and then Holden had moved the box. My cell phone. The logophile charm and my braid from the night I cut it. I cringe. Carefully, I pull out Aubry’s letters without touching the braid. It sits in the box like a snake, waiting to strike.
There are four envelopes. My heart hurts that her letters went unanswered. The pain I caused her, the worry, makes me hate myself. I pull the letters from their envelopes and stack them in order of postmark before reading them all.
Dear best friend in the whole wide world,
AN OUTHOUSE?
What the actual shizzle? That is unacceptable.
Although your letter is full of positive vibes, forgive me while I dwell on the horrors of your situation . . .
. . . .
. . . .
You laughed didn’t you? :)
Tell me more about this Holden hotcake. And girl, just follow the Aubry Rules—if he flirts—go with it! Do something I would do, for once in your life! Maybe that domineering side is dying to let loose on you—like one of those Alpha Book Boyfriends you’re always gushing about. Have a little fiction come to reality moment while you’re there. You have my blessing. I will send more baby wipes. I feel as though if any of the above is to happen, you will need to be smelling fresh and clean.
By the way—gross! Take a shower.
I’ve only thrown one party, and it was only five people, so rest assured your house is still standing and happy. The plants, however, are struggling. I’m doing e.x.a.c.t.l.y. what you told me to but they don’t look as happy as they normally do under your care. Fret not my love, I will enlist Mom’s help to nurse them back to health for you.
Thank you for the lack of unnecessary large words. I appreciate it. If I’m honest, I miss it, too. The world isn’t the same without you around. Who woulda thought?
Oh, so, interesting news, Chad Berwick is officially hooked on me. I actually decided he’s a bit boring though. I keep trying to get him to leave me alone but he is determined to woo me. It’s really annoying actually. Another good who woulda thought moment. HA!
Okay listen, SOA calls . . . thank God you sprang for cable while I stay here!
Xoxo darling,
Aub
Nora,
I am more than a little disappointed in you right now. Where are all my letters? I mean, when I said go for it with Holden, I didn’t mean be-too-busy-in-bed-to-write-my-bestie. Ya feelin’ me?
But seriously. I’ve gotten one letter from you. ONE. It’s been weeks now with no update. Please, write me back. I know you’ve gotten all my letters because they haven’t been returned to me. I miss you. Mom saved your houseplants by the way. You are welcome. Ha.
Okay, my hand’s cramping up. You know, actually writing is weird. My fingers prefer texting. Can’t wait to hear from you.
Aub
Xoxo
Love of my life,
Why you no write, beeatch?
Okay, just kidding, but not. I’ve been waiting, and waiting for a letter. So, at this point, I’ve actually gone to the post office. I did that. I talked to them, thinking your mail lady was slacking off or something . . . but get this . . . she’s not—you just haven’t written. I’m kinda upset. Like, you never pull this stuff. So, let me know you are okay. Please.
Xoxo, Aub
Yo Word, Girl,
I’ve written you six letters. SIX. ME!
And you, who loves words and reading and writing, have written me exactly O.N.E. letter. Where are you? Is everything okay? I am beginning to freak out. It’s not like you to abandon a promise. I expect a full report when I see you next week.
As I said in my last letter, I’m driving to Pocketville to pick you up! I will be at the bus station waiting for you. And I am so excited! Only one more week.
Seven days.
My summer has been sadly uneventful without you.
So, see you next week!
-Aub