Chapter 16
The next morning, I woke up in his arms with no idea what time it might be. I wondered if Miriam had been in, seen us, and slipped back out.
“Kai,” I murmured. “We need to see the Monvílles off.”
He opened his eyes and blinked at the sight of me, almost as if he couldn’t believe I was there. Then he nodded. His clothes from the last night were in a wrinkled mess on the floor, and he pulled on his pants. “I’ll meet you in the courtyard.”
As he leaned over to kiss me, I hoped he wouldn’t begin everything we’d done last night all over again because I wouldn’t have the willpower to stop him. Thankfully, his own good sense prevailed, and after a quick kiss, he left my room.
Within moments, Miriam came and helped get me dressed. I could see she was dying to ask questions.
“A pleasant night, my lady?”
I couldn’t help smiling. “Very pleasant.”
She smiled back and said no more.
Once dressed, I went downstairs to learn from Betty that the Monvílles had already eaten breakfast and were making ready to leave. Hurrying to the courtyard, I found Jarrod, Rolf, Sebastian, and Kai all outside bidding the Monvílles farewell. Kai must have dressed quickly in his own room before coming down because he wore his usual long-sleeved wool shirt over his canvas pants.
“Do forgive me,” I said to Lady Rosamund. “I fear I overslept.”
“It’s all right, my dear,” she answered, her tone suggesting my behavior was anything but all right. “We didn’t mind eating breakfast alone with no hostess.”
I let her kiss my cheeks and watched her mount her horse. Oddly, I couldn’t have cared less for her disapproval and found myself struggling to keep my eyes off Kai. Everything was different today. He loved me. He hadn’t said it, but I knew.
Lord Allemond was surprisingly friendly to Jarrod and Rolf, complimenting Jarrod on the fine dinner.
Jarrod nodded as if such praise were expected.
“Tomorrow then?” Allemond asked.
“We’ll meet you at the old hunting lodge in the north quarter,” Jarrod answered.
“Good. I’m sure you’ll find everything in order, but I think it’s best you check for yourself.”
With that, our guests rode out.
Only then did I allow myself to turn to Kai.
“I have a sparring session with Captain Marcel this morning,” he said, “but we can do whatever you like this afternoon.”
“Would you take me out riding on the land?”
I hadn’t seen anything of the estate.
He nodded, seeming pleased by my request. Both Jarrod and Rolf were talking to each other and didn’t hear this, but Sebastian did and raised an eyebrow at me. I ignored him and went back inside.
I was happy, already picturing myself riding beside Kai out on the land.
But first, I had to see to my own duties this morning and headed off to the kitchens for a task that would be expected of me, something my mother had always done the day after a banquet.
Along the way, I passed Betty and stopped her briefly. “Would you please find Miriam and send her to the kitchen?”
“Yes, my lady.”
As I entered the kitchen, Ester smiled. “Was the meal last night to Lord Jarrod’s liking?”
“It was perfect. Thank you so much.” I looked at the other girls, including Cora. “And thank you. I know you all worked hard.”
Cora had been watching me nervously, but she nodded at my words. I was glad of this, as it made me think she wanted to keep her position and that perhaps without Lavonia’s influence, she might work out well.
Turning back to Ester, I asked, “So, how much food is left? How many of us will be needed to carry it down?”
She looked back at me in puzzlement. “Carry it down?”
“Yes, after a banquet, don’t you take the leftovers down to the village for the poor?”
I realized that the Volodanes seldom held what might be considered a banquet, but surely they observed this custom over the winter holiday feasting.
“Oh, no, my lady,” she answered, shaking her head. “The master wouldn’t like that at all.” She paused. “Did you ask Lord Kai?”
I hadn’t, but yesterday, he’d given me complete control over the kitchen. Surely Jarrod wouldn’t begrudge the poorest of the villagers a few leftovers? He’d wanted a proper lady of the keep. That was one reason he’d brought me here. It was my duty to follow through on what was expected of the mistress of a household like this one.
I thought on Kai’s words to me.
Deal with the household staff as you see fit. My father couldn’t care less what you do so long as everything runs smoothly.
“Pack up the leftovers. We’re taking them down,” I instructed. “Cora, you’ll come with us.” Once I’d given the order, Ester ceased her concerns and launched in. We packed up large baskets of sliced beef, cold chicken, fruit, tarts, and bread. We were nearly ready when Miriam walked in. Without even asking, she knew what was happening, as she and I had often accompanied my mother in the past. She began to help with the packing.
Part of my thoughts were still on the impending afternoon ride with Kai, but there was plenty of time for Ester, Cora, Miriam, and me to get down to the village, distribute the food, and then make it back before the midday meal.
Soon, we had eight baskets ready to go, and we each carried two.
The day was warm, so we decided to forgo our cloaks as we walked to the front gates with our burdens. I felt in charge for the first time since my arrival. Kai had given me a free hand, and I intended to use it.
Sebastian’s friend, Daveed, was on duty at the gate. At the sight of him, Cora blushed a little. Daveed was quite striking with tan skin, blond hair, and nearly clear blue eyes.
He’d always been polite to me, and so I smiled at him. “Could you open the gate for us?”
Glancing at the baskets, he faltered in some confusion. “My lady?” He didn’t make a move to open the gate. I believed it took two men anyway, as a heavy bar, the width of a tree trunk, had been positioned inside of iron brackets, and this had to be slid back for the gate to open.
I hoped he was not about to challenge me.
“We’re bringing food to the village,” I said as imperiously as I could.
Alarmed, his eyes scanned the courtyard, most likely for one of the Volodanes. “Have you asked Lord Jarrod or Kai for permission?”
“I don’t need permission to leave my own home and walk into the village. Please do as I ask.”
In theory, I had authority over him, and he knew it. Still concerned, he called to another guard, “Brandon! Come help me with the bar and then take my place on duty.” He looked back to me. “I’ll need to come with you. Lord Jarrod would have me hanged if I let you walk down there without a guard.”
While I found this rather impertinent on his part, it also sounded sensible. My mother had always been quite safe in our home village with only a small gaggle of maids—and me—but I’d never been to Volodane Village and had only seen it briefly at dusk the night I arrived here.
“Very well,” I answered.
Both men strained to slide the bar back, and the gate swung open.
The five of us passed through, and it closed behind us. I heard Brandon calling out for assistance, and a moment later, I heard the bar grinding back. Apparently, the Volodanes took no chances with their gate, even in broad daylight.
“Onward,” I said, trying to sound cheerful.
Neither Ester, Cora, nor Daveed appeared cheerful, and I couldn’t help wondering why, but Daveed reached out for one of my baskets.
“Let me,” he said.
Since the baskets were heavy and I was the smallest of the women, I let him carry one of mine. Even though I’d been tired and damp the night I arrived, I remembered that the village wasn’t far. Our party took a path down a hill, over one rise, and then down again.
The village came into view, and we closed the distance.
Dwellings spread out all around us. There were about fifty circular wattle and daub huts with thatched roofs, a few shops, a smithy, and a sturdy log dwelling that probably served as a common house. But in the daylight, I could see holes in many roofs and decay in the shops and dwellings.
At the sight of us, the nearest people began slipping away. The few I saw clearly were thin and dressed in rags.
Daveed set down his basket and kept so close to me I almost asked him to step away. I noticed his right hand hovering over the hilt of his sword.
“Do not draw that blade,” I said. “I hardly think we’re in danger from anyone here.”
“Probably not,” he answered, “but desperate people can be . . .” He didn’t finish the sentence.
Miriam hadn’t expressed any trepidation over our task until now, but she looked around at the state of the place in open dismay. “My lady,” she said. “Perhaps he is right. We could simply leave the food?”
An old woman with a wrinkled face came from between two dwellings and stopped in surprise at the sight of us.
She made to leave again quickly, but I called out, “Please don’t go. We’ve brought food.”
Turning, she dropped her eyes to my basket.
“Could you bring any people in need to the common house?” I asked. This seemed a rather foolish statement since everyone here appeared to be in need. What could have happened to bring them so low? Why wasn’t Jarrod doing anything to help?
The old woman slowly came up to me and looked down into my basket. “Are those strawberry tarts?” Her voice was stronger than I expected.
“Yes, we brought quite a few.”
People began appearing again, slipping out from dwellings or between buildings, staring at our baskets. To my shame, I was glad for Daveed’s presence. Then I chastised myself. These people deserved my help and pity, not my fear or judgment.
But then . . . as villagers began drawing closer, a different type of uncomfortable wave passed through me, something I couldn’t stop. In addition to focusing on a single person and reading thoughts, I also had an unfortunate tendency to absorb strong emotions or sensations if enough people around me experienced the same feelings. Right now, all I could feel was fear, hunger, and despair.
I was determined to finish my task here.
“I am the new lady of the hall,” I said, letting my voice carry. “Where I come from, after any sort of banquet or feast, we share the spoils with our people.”
No one responded. All eyes were still on the baskets. The aura of despair leeched into me and became almost overwhelming. I fought it.
“Let us go to the common house,” I said. “Where we can set up properly.” Looking down at the old woman beside me, I asked, “Can you help keep order?”
“Yes.”
“What is your name?”
“Opal.” Then she called out, “Follow your lady.”
Cora and Ester both appeared somewhat anxious, but we led the way to the common house.
Once inside, I oversaw the unpacking. “Beef over on that table and chicken over there. Tarts here, and bread last. We should have brought more bread.”
No one ran at us or grabbed at the food. They stepped forward when their turn came and took what was offered. The hunger I felt from these people went deep. Daveed was wrong. They were beyond desperation. They had given up hope. The despair passed through me, sinking deeper and deeper inside me, until I found it difficult not to begin weeping.
I couldn’t stop the flow of sensation or push it away.
Soon, I was struggling to breathe without effort. I’d never seen people in such a condition. I’d never felt such misery.
And still, I would not leave.
Opal helped to organize families, so that each family took a portion. Daveed appeared to forget about his sword, and he worked the bread table. I passed out portions of chicken. People shuffled through to accept what we’d brought. I saw a young mother of about eighteen with small boy. His arms were like twigs.
The despair inside me made it difficult to think.
All I could see was years ahead of suffering and hunger. The common room grew hazy, and my eyes were wet.
“My lady?” Miriam asked. “Are you well?”
I couldn’t answer.
When all the food had been dolled out, the villagers began to leave. I’d been here too long. I had absorbed too much.
The room began to spin, and the floor rushed up.
Miriam called out, “Daveed!”
That was the last thing I remembered.
* * * *
When my eyes opened again, I had no idea where I was, but I seemed to be lying on a bed, and there were people rushing around me.
“Get that cold cloth!” Miriam called. “Where is Lord Kai?”
“Cora’s fetching him,” Ester answered.
I was in my room. Miriam and Ester were both with me.
Then I remembered where I’d just been, and all the despair of the village sank deeper inside me. I sobbed once.
“My lady,” Miriam cried.
The door slammed open. “Where is she?” It was Kai’s voice. A pause followed. “What happened to her?”
The next thing I knew, he was on the bed beside me, lifting me up against his chest.
“Megan.”
I couldn’t stop weeping and gripped his shirt. “They’re so hungry,” I whispered. “So sad. You have to help them.”
“Who?”
The voices around me grew muted. I heard Kai making demands of Miriam, and then I heard him say, “The village? She went down to the village? Who let her out the gate?”
No one answered, and then he said, “We need to bring her out of this. Ester, have a bathtub brought in here and order buckets of heated water.”
Again, the sounds grew hazy, but I heard activity and more people. Then I heard water splashing . . . and splashing.
“Get out,” Kai ordered.
“But my lord . . .” Miriam said.
“Now!”
The sound of feet followed and the door closed. Kai stripped off my dress and my shift. He lifted me as if I weighed nothing, and the next thing I knew, he lowered me into warm water, almost hot. He splashed handfuls on my face, and I choked once or twice.
“Megan, can you hear me?”
My head began to clear. “Kai?”
Using his hands, he rubbed my arms hard.
My head cleared even more. “Stop,” I whispered.
He stopped. His face was near to mine. I remembered everything from the moment I’d set off for the village until the floor had rushed up. Looking around, I saw that I was in my room.
“How did I get here?”
“I don’t know,” he answered tightly. “I don’t know what happened. You were in the village? Why would you go there?”
Tears ran from my eyes again. “To bring them food from last night’s dinner. They’re so starved, Kai, so hopeless. I could feel it.”
He grabbed a spare blanket off the bed and then lifted me out of the tub. “Try to stand.” After wrapping me in the blanket, he whisked me off my feet again and went to the bed. This time, he sat with his back against the headboard and held me.
“Who let you out the gate?”
Something in his voice gave me pause, and I didn’t answer the question. The overwhelming emotions of sorrow were fading, and exhaustion came in to take their place. I closed my eyes.
“I’m tired,” I whispered.
* * * *
When I awoke again later, he was still sitting with his back against the headboard holding me. I sat up.
“Do you feel better?” he asked.
I didn’t exactly feel better, but I was myself again. How long had I been sleeping? “What time is it?”
“Around mid-afternoon.”
The ramifications of what I’d put him through began to sink in, and I expected him to start questioning me again. He didn’t.
“Will you be all right resting on your own for a while?” he asked. “I need to go downstairs and see about a few things.”
Embarrassed, I pulled away and lay down on the pillow. “Of course. I’m so sorry. I’ve never fainted in my life.”
He didn’t answer. Instead, he left the bed and walked to the door. “Rest.”
Then he was gone.
I was still naked, but I was dry now and allowed myself to curl inside the blankets for a while, trying to make sense of the order of events. I remembered nothing from the moment I’d fainted to when I’d re-awakened. What had happened in between?
I’d get no answers in here.
Still feeling drained, I forced myself out of bed and found a clean shift and a gown that laced up the front. Not bothering to brush my hair, I left my room and made my way down the stairs.
When I reached the main passage, I heard Kai shouting in the great hall.
“Who opened the gate?”
He sounded so angry. Quickly but quietly, I went to one side of the archway and peered in. I didn’t want him to see me. I wasn’t up to facing his anger.
Inside, the hall, I saw Kai, Sebastian, Captain Marcel, Daveed, and several other of the house guards. Jarrod and Rolf weren’t there. Captain Marcel looked uncomfortable, shifting weight between his feet as if this were the last place in the world he wanted to be.
“Who?” Kai repeated.
Daveed was pale. “I did, my lord, and I accompanied them down into the village.”
I drew in a sharp breath as Kai strode over. I thought he might be about to spit out harsh words—on my account—but I was stunned when he drew back his fist and punched Daveed in the face hard enough to knock him off his feet.
“Kai!” Sebastian yelled, running forward and grabbing his younger brother, pinning Kai’s arms to his sides. “Stop!”
Daveed was picking himself up off the floor, shaking his head to clear it.
“Stop this now,” Sebastian said, still holding Kai. “From what I understand, Megan fainted down there, and Daveed was the one who carried her back up.” He looked to Daveed. “Why did you open the gate?”
“She ordered it,” Daveed answered. Blood flowed out the side of his mouth, and he wiped it with the back of one hand. “I didn’t know if I could refuse.”
“I was fifty feet away in the barn!” Kai shouted. “Could you not have come and asked me?” Then he tried to throw Sebastian off. “Let go.”
Sebastian let go, but Kai seemed more in control now.
“Listen to me,” he said to all the guards present. “No one is ever to open the gate for Lady Megan without my permission. Anyone who does will find himself out of work and looking elsewhere to sell his sword. Is that understood?”
“Yes, my lord,” the men said in unison.
“Dismissed.”
As the guards started for the archway, like a coward, I fled a short way down the passage and stepped into an open storage room to hide. I was embarrassed that Daveed had suffered on my account, and I wasn’t ready to see him yet. Earlier today, I’d had no idea what result my actions would bring. I’d only wanted to follow a tradition.
As the footsteps of the men moved past me down the passage though, I began pondering other things. First, I owed a thanks to Daveed if he’d carried me all the way from the village to the keep . . . and he may have lost some teeth for his trouble.
Second, did Kai mean what he’d said? Was I only to ever be allowed out of the courtyard with his permission?
* * * *
That night at dinner, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Would Jarrod and Rolf have heard of the day’s events? Would I need to defend my actions? They’d been out on the land all day, checking fields for the impending harvest.
Nothing was said as we gathered, and I began to think they hadn’t heard.
Kai was quiet and hadn’t said much to me since the afternoon, and I wondered what he was thinking.
Sebastian was the last one to join us, and he poured himself a large goblet of wine upon sitting down.
“Pleasant day?” he asked Rolf sarcastically.
Those two didn’t care for each other, but I had no idea why. I think perhaps they were simply very different people.
Rolf didn’t bother to answer.
Only when Betty and Matilda came in carrying trays of food for our dinner did Jarrod frown. The women were serving ham and cheese pie.
“Where’s the beef from last night?” he asked Betty. “Have some of that brought in.”
I braced myself. “She can’t. I took it down to the village this morning.”
“You what?”
“And the chicken and the tarts,” I added. “It is tradition. Among the noble families, after a feast or a banquet, the lady of the house is to take all leftovers to the nearest village and share them with the poor. I didn’t realize your family didn’t observe this custom.”
“You gave it all the villagers?” he asked, incredulous.
“I only thought to follow noble customs. I should have asked you first.”
He shook his head and turned to Kai. “And what did you do when learned of this?”
Kai’s body was tense, and I knew he wanted this conversation to end. To my relief, Sebastian answered. “He punched one of the guards and threatened to dismiss any man who ever let her out the gate again.”
At that, Jarrod laughed. “Good boy,” he said to Kai.
Did he know how condescending he sounded?
Then he looked down at his dinner. Thankfully, he was fond of ham and cheese pie, and nothing more was said of my adventure.
* * * *
Later that night, right after Miriam finished dressing me for bed, Kai walked into the room, and I couldn’t read his face.
I sent Miriam out.
It was too soon for me to question my husband about the order he’d given the guards. Picking that battle now would most likely only make things worse.
“I’m sorry for any trouble I caused today,” I said instantly. “I only meant to follow a tradition my mother taught me.”
“What made you faint?” he asked. “The condition of the villagers? Did the sight of them unsettle you so much?”
I couldn’t tell him the truth. A part of me wanted to, but I feared where that might lead, and I was determined to keep some secrets to myself.
“I don’t know,” I answered. “But something must be done to help them.”
He held up one hand. “That is my father and Rolf’s domain. We can’t interfere.”
“But surely—”
“Megan!” he cut me off and sank down onto the bed. “Not now.”
He looked weary, and I remembered how he’d tended to me earlier, bringing me back to myself and then holding me. I had no wish to trouble him further tonight.
Walking over, I stood in front of him. When he was sitting, I could look him in the eyes. I placed both my hands on the sides of his face, and he breathed in softly.
“Do you want me?” he whispered.
It struck me then that Kai only felt desire for women who equally wanted him. I wondered if all men were like that, but I doubted so.
Leaning in, I touched my mouth to his by way of answer.
Instantly, he took hold of my arms and pulled me down onto the bed beneath him. His mouth pressed down on my mine as it had last night, and his tongue entered my mouth with the same urgency. I could feel his strength and his weight.
I forgot everything else.
I wanted his hands on me. I wanted his mouth on me. Right now nothing else mattered.