Chapter 12
We buried Jarrod the next day, and Sebastian became the Lord of Volodane Hall.
As Kai, Sebastian, and I sat down for dinner that night, Kai asked, “Now what do we do?”
I thought it a good question.
“Nothing,” Sebastian answered, sounding surer of himself than anyone I’d ever heard. “I’ve no interest in raising the status of our family or landing a seat on the Council of Nobles. Do you?”
“No.”
“That was Father’s dream, and Rolf’s, not ours,” Sebastian went on. “I only wish to live in peace and not have to deal with anyone or anything I find disagreeable.”
Kai frowned. “You mean live in peace except for taking revenge upon the Monvílles?” His head swiveled toward me. “You wrote to your father?”
“Yes. I had a messenger take the letter yesterday.”
Again, I didn’t know what would come of that, but I hoped Allemond would at least lose his seat and face sanctions. This wouldn’t be enough for Kai, but it would be something.
The days began to pass, and I awaited a response from my father. About three weeks after I’d written, a letter for me arrived. I was alone in the great hall, going over the menus when Betty brought it into me.
“Message for you, my lady.”
“Thank you, Betty.”
It wasn’t from my father, but from Lady Violette Cornett.
My dear Megan,
While I’d only recently heard of your marriage, I just now learned of the deaths of your new father and brother. I send my deepest condolences. Allemond Monvílle is devastated by the tragedy, and he is still uncertain how the dispute broke out between his men and the Volodanes’.
Please take this invitation in the spirit with which it is meant.
Lord Henri and I are having a house gathering the week after next. I know you are in mourning, but Volodane Hall might seem an isolated place right now for you and Sebastian and Kai. Please do come and join us if you feel you can be comforted by companionship.
With warm regards,
Violette Cornett
I held the letter in my hand, allowing the contents to sink in. Allemond Monvílle was passing the incident off as a sudden dispute between his guards and the Volodanes’. He was probably asserting that Jarrod and Rolf had somehow been caught in the middle. I didn’t know Violette Cornett well, but she knew my family and had hosted my parents on numerous occasions.
Her words struck me as sincere, and I did believe she wished to offer us comfort. I had little doubt that Sebastian would accept such invitation. But it also sounded as if Violette was in the intimate circle of the Monvílles. What if we were to attend this gathering and the Monvílles should be present?
Kai would go mad.
If he killed Allemond, the repercussions would probably mean his own death.
I wrote Violette a kind refusal, saying we were not up to socializing yet.
Then I burned the invitation without ever showing it to Sebastian.
* * * *
In spite of his announcement—about doing nothing—after the burial of Jarrod, Sebastian soon began making changes. He announced to me one morning that we’d be having a guest for lunch, and so I asked Ester to make a fish pie.
Just before the midday meal, a stocky man in a leather jerkin and heavy boots arrived.
Sebastian introduced him to Kai and me. “This is Ethan Porter. He’s to be our land manager and tax collector. Megan, he’ll be living here at the keep. Normally, he’ll eat in the kitchen, but you’ll need to have a room made up for him.”
Kai appeared startled. From what I understood, the Volodanes had always overseen their own lands.
For the remainder of lunch, Kai and I were ignored as Sebastian explained to Ethan about the various villages, tenant famers, and crops. The man seemed quite competent, but I still struggled with the idea of turning over such an important element of running the estate to what basically amounted to an employee.
“I’ll be back in few days to settle in, my lady,” Ethan said to me after lunch. “Thank you for the fine meal.”
After he left, Kai asked Sebastian, “What are you doing?”
Sebastian waved one hand. “There’s no sense in either one of us trying to fill Rolf’s boots when it comes to the land. Father never taught us a thing. I was his great disappointment and you were his golden boy in a fighting ring. Trust me, this Ethan Porter knows what he’s about. He’s handled several estates. I looked into his references.”
“You did this without even talking to me?”
“I assumed you’d agree,” Sebastian answered, but there was an edge in his voice. He didn’t like being questioned. “Oh, and I’m cutting taxes in half, possibly more. We’ve enough money to live three lifetimes. The silver mines alone have made us wealthy. I want to give the people here a better life. I’m also going to lift the ban on fishing and hunting.”
“Of course, you’re right there,” Kai agreed, “but I don’t like the idea of hiring a land manager. That’s our place.”
The edge in Sebastian’s voice grew sharper. “We’ll give it a try.”
Several days later, Ethan Porter moved into a guest room. I saw very little of him, but he rode out every day to oversee the people, crops, and lands of the Volodanes. Sebastian conferred with him almost every night after dinner.
My father didn’t respond to my letter about Allemond Monvílle, but Kai continued to ask if he had.
A week after Ethan’s arrival, Sebastian announced we were having a house party. To me, this seemed much too soon following the deaths of Rolf and Jarrod, but what could I say?
“Who is coming?” I asked. “Do you have a guest list so I can send the invitations?”
“I’ve already done that. These are friends of mine from Rennes.”
Apparently, the family owned a house in the city of Rennes, and Sebastian enjoyed spending time there when possible. But I was taken aback that he’d sent out the invitations. Only the lady of the house sent out invitations for a formal house party.
I soon realized this would not be like any house party I’d ever seen.
As opposed to planning menus, Sebastian wanted great quantities of food prepared that could be laid out on tables. We ordered hams and cheeses. He told Ester to be prepared to make numerous fruit trays. He wanted a variety of breads, cakes, and tarts baked, so many that I joined in to help in the kitchen. Cora and Ester were somewhat discomfited at the sight of me in an apron with my sleeves rolled up, but then they welcomed my help. I was no cook, but I could peel and cut up apples and roll pastry.
When Miriam saw this, she joined in too, and we both rather enjoyed ourselves. I always preferred to be occupied with something useful.
Sebastian ordered casks and casks of wine and ale.
When the guests began arriving, my confusion grew. I didn’t know anyone, and none of them were from among the noble families. Most were in their early to late twenties. They laughed and spoke loudly and embraced Sebastian like old friends. They didn’t seem quite sure what to say to me. I felt the same.
“Who are they?” I asked.
“I told you, friends of mine from Rennes,” he answered. “Normally, I’d go to see them, but now they can come here. It’s wonderful, isn’t it?”
He was so happy that I tried to smile and agree.
A few hours later, a group of musicians arrived, and he told me I’d need to find rooms for them. I ended up housing them in the barracks.
That night, Betty and Matilda piled the table in the great hall with food. Casks of wine lined one wall. People in brightly colored clothing flocked in to eat and drink, but few of them sat down.
The musicians began to play.
Card and dice games spontaneously appeared, with a good deal of money exchanging hands. People danced and ate and drank and laughed. Sebastian laughed and danced along with them, and he was clearly the lord of the hall.
Kai and I were at odds among this company. He liked a card game at home, but he wasn’t a gambler. He wasn’t much for dancing with strangers, and he rarely drank more than a single goblet of wine or cup of ale.
As the hour grew late, the sounds grew more raucous, with people chasing each other, squealing with laughter. The spaniels who lived in here were either overexcited or frightened, and I decided we’d need to relocate them tomorrow.
Betty and Matilda worked hard to clean up dirty dishes and spilled wine, but I finally decided to find Sebastian and ask him if they could go to bed and see to the mess in the morning. Looking around, I didn’t see him and tried to press pass some of the people dancing. As I neared the far end of the hall, I spotted him talking with a blond man in a burgundy tunic. I recognized the tunic because I’d made it for Sebastian.
As the man turned, I stopped.
It was Daveed, wearing Sebastian’s clothing. The burgundy made his blue eyes glow.
He spotted me in the same moment and had the good taste to look abashed. What was one our house guards doing in Sebastian’s clothes? My husband had a goblet of wine in his hand, and I knew he’d already had too much to drink.
Walking up, I ignored Daveed. “I’m going to send Betty and Matilda to bed. It’s nearly midnight, and they’ll need to be up early to help Ester and Cora start breakfast.” There was so much noise around us that I had to speak up.
“By all means,” Sebastian slurred. He was drunk . . . but he also looked happier than I’d ever seen him.
“If you don’t mind,” I added, “I think I’ll go up too.”
It was the height of poor manners for the hostess to leave her own gathering, but I didn’t think anyone here would notice.
“Of course,” he said. “Don’t wait up for me. I may be late.” He appeared almost relieved.
With a nod, I headed straight for Kai. He stood by himself near a card table, pretending to sip at a goblet.
“I’m going to excuse Betty and Matilda,” I said, hoping he could hear me over the din, “and then go up to bed myself.”
His eyes filled with hope. “Is that allowed? Can I leave too?”
“Yes.”
We gathered Betty and Matilda, and the four of us fled the hall, said good night to each other and hurried to our respective rooms. I’d long since sent Miriam to bed, but I managed to unlace myself and step out of my gown.
Exhausted and troubled, I crawled under the covers. It took a while until I slept. Since my arrival here, I’d never gone to sleep without Sebastian.
* * * *
The following morning, I woke up alone.
Miriam arrived soon after, and she dressed me for the day. Neither of us said much, but I caught her eye in the mirror and asked, “Have you been downstairs?”
She shook her head.
Together, we left the room and made our way down.
The great hall was in a shamble and several of our guests had passed out on the floor near the hearth. I called in a few guards to help take them to their rooms. The poor spaniels were sleeping in a pile in the far corner. Betty and Matilda arrived soon after, and we began the clean up.
Kai walked in and looked around. “Can I do anything?”
“I think we ought to take the dogs out. I saw a man feeding Lacey ale last night. Could you take them to the barracks and ask a few of the guards to look after them?”
“Yes.”
I had no idea when Sebastian might want breakfast to be served. I didn’t know where he was but assumed he’d slept in his own room.
He didn’t appear until after midday, looking less worse for wear than I’d expected. The hall was nearly cleaned up by then, and he kissed my face.
None of the guests had arisen yet.
“I had a wonderful night,” he said. “Are you enjoying yourself?”
I was not. “Yes.”
Nearly everyone else slept until the late afternoon, and then when they came in, Sebastian ordered food to be piled on the table, and to my astonishment, a repeat performance of the previous night began.
This went on for four more days.
When the guests finally left, I exhaled in relief, hoping fervently that Sebastian had needed to purge himself of the shadow of his father and brother, and that he’d been able to get something out of his system, and that Volodane Hall would never see such a display again.
Once everyone had gone, Kai, Sebastian, and I had a quiet dinner, and then Sebastian closeted himself away with Ethan Porter to discuss the harvest. I thought Kai should be involved in these meetings, but he wasn’t.
That night, I expected Sebastian to come to me as he’d done before the house party, carrying mugs of tea or an apple to slice in bed.
He didn’t.
Something had altered in our world, and I had no idea why.
He was soon busy with details of the harvest as it was time to bring in the wheat. Kai continued with his sparring sessions in the morning, but he seemed rather at a loss in the afternoons. I could see him growing more restless and unhappy.
A month later, right after the harvest, Sebastian announced another house party.
When the kitchen women heard the news, I feared Cora might give her notice. I think she would have if she’d had anywhere else to go.
* * * *
A pattern in our lives took shape.
Sebastian was never lazy or negligent in the any matter involving the estate. He was meticulous with house accounts, and he worked closely with Ethan, but every other month, he’d fill the keep with pleasure-seeking people, and the length of the house parties began to extend.
He never slept in my bed.
I longed for his company in the night.
Although I’d come to accept that there was something missing in our marriage, that we were not like other married couples, I’d never felt as close to anyone as I had to Sebastian in those early nights together.
Now I didn’t even have him sleeping beside me.
I dreaded the house parties.
Three nights into the fourth gathering, I looked about the hall and didn’t see Kai. Without telling Sebastian, I left the hall and went up to the third floor of the tower and knocked on the door to Kai’s room. I’d never done that before.
Almost instantly, he opened it and looked out. He was still fully dressed.
“Are you all right?” I asked.
He didn’t answer. It was a foolish question.
Inside, there was a table near the bed with a chessboard. “You play?” I asked.
“Yes, Rolf and I used to play all the time. He was good.”
Poor Kai. He loved Sebastian, but he’d looked up to Rolf.
“If we leave the door open,” I suggested, “you and I could have a few games. My father taught me.”
He brightened and stepped back. I knew it was inappropriate for me to be inside his bedroom, but none of the old rules seemed to apply here anymore. We sat and began to play, and I felt myself relaxing.
He won the first game.
Not long into the second, I began to understand his strategy a little better and took his queen. He blinked. “Wait, where did that rook come from?”
I laughed and showed him. He laughed too. Kai was a gracious winner and loser.
A shadow passed over the board, and I turned my head.
Sebastian hung in the doorway. “I noticed you both gone and came to check. Are you hiding away up here?” He’d been drinking but wasn’t drunk. I knew he wouldn’t think twice about me being Kai’s room. Sebastian wasn’t that type of husband.
“Do you mind?” I asked. “It’s so loud down there.”
A flash of sadness passed through his eyes. “You both hate these gatherings, don’t you?”
“Of course not,” I lied. “We just wanted some quiet.”
He nodded. “All right. I’ll go back down.”
After he left, Kai’s enjoyment of the game was gone.
* * * *
Things came to a crisis the following night.
For Sebastian’s benefit, I made an attempt to pretend I was enjoying myself. I stayed in the hall much later than usual. Kai remained as well.
I sipped at wine and tried to make conversation with Sebastian’s friends.
By midnight, few of them were capable of making conversation, and I decided to make my escape. Walking past the dance floor, I started for the arch when someone stepped in front of me.
I tried to remember his name. I think it was Renaldo, the son of a prosperous wool merchant.
“Come and dance with me, beautiful lady,” he slurred.
“Not now, sir,” I said, trying to smile. “I was just on my way out.”
As I moved to walk around him, he grasped my arm. “I insist. You must have at least once dance.”
When I tried to pull my arm back, he kept ahold of me. I don’t think he meant me any harm. He’d had too much to drink. But before I could say another word, a loud crack sounded and Renaldo went flying backward. He hit the floor.
Kai was beside me in a rage. “Keep away from her!”
I then realized he’d stuck Renaldo.
Sebastian came hurrying over. “Kai, what did you do?”
Renaldo wasn’t moving, and his eyes were closed.
“He had his hands on Megan!” Kai shouted. “If you won’t do anything, I will.”
The music stopped and the hall grew quieter. Several people knelt to revive Renaldo, but Kai was now facing off with Sebastian.
“I hated the way Father treated you,” Kai said. “But if he were here now, he’d be ashamed, and for once, you’d deserve it.”
Whirling, he strode from the hall. Sebastian stared after him.
* * * *
The next day, the house party broke up.
By now, I’d realized that Sebastian wasn’t simply sowing wild oats after being repressed by his father and older brother for so long. He believed in responsibility—and he took responsibility for the estate—but he needed other people around him who enjoyed pleasure in the same way that he did.
His alternation between work and these house parties wouldn’t stop, neither would he ever give Kai any kind of authority. After a lifetime of feeling powerless, Sebastian needed to be in charge.
Kai would only grow bitter and miserable in this environment. He needed an occupation. He needed a purpose.
And I had to help him.
Going upstairs to my room, I sat down at the vanity and wrote a letter to Chaumont.
Dear Father,
I require your help and am willing to help you in return.
I ask that you speak to Lord Sauvage and request that he offer Kai Volodane a commissioned office in the king’s army, perhaps as a lieutenant. Have him send the offer here.
If you do this, I will pay off one of your creditors. You only need name the debt.
Please respond at your earliest convenience.
Your daughter,
Megan
Taking the letter out to the barracks, I found Captain Marcel.
“My lady,” he said with the short bow. “Can I be of service?”
“I need a letter carried to my family in Chaumont as quickly as possible. Can you spare a swift rider?”
“Of course.”
I knew my father wouldn’t ignore my message as it contained an offer of money, but he exceeded even my expectations with his rapid response. Chaumont Manor was a two-day ride at a leisurely pace. It could be done in a day and half on a fast horse.
Three days after I sent the letter a response arrived. Father must have penned it and put someone on horse within an hour of reading my offer.
My dear Megan,
I have already sent word to Lord Sauvage, and I’m certain he will offer to sell young Volodane a commission. From what I understand, Kai is well trained with a sword, and Sauvage would be glad to have him.
The offer should arrive shortly with all the particulars.
I have enclosed a note for a loan I took out last year, and I appreciate your offer of assistance.
He didn’t bother with a signature. I looked at the note for the loan. It was for five hundred silver pieces.
I took the letter down the west passage. Recently, Sebastian had had a storage room cleaned out, and he’d turned it into a study. I found him there behind his desk going over a ledger of accounts.
“May I disturb you?” I asked.
He smiled. “Please do.”
I held out the letter and quickly explained what I’d done. Almost as soon as I began speaking, his smile faded.
“You’d need to pay my father’s debt and buy Kai the commission,” I finished. “But will you?”
“You want me to send my only brother off to serve in the king’s army?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I don’t want you want to send him off. I want you to let him go. Will you?”
To his credit, he didn’t pretend not to understand me.
“If this offer arrives and he wants it, I’ll pay the commission,” he said tightly.
“And my father’s debt?”
“Yes.”
I started for the door and then stopped. “Kai can never know about these backdoor dealings. He’ll need to believe Sauvage sought him out.”
Slowly, he nodded.
* * * *
The offer arrived in the evening about a week later.
I hid it and saved it until morning. I wanted to speak with Kai alone, and Sebastian rarely came down for breakfast anymore.
Walking into the great hall, I found Kai at the table, drinking tea and eating bacon.
Without even a greeting, I said, “I’ve received a letter from Lord Sauvage. I think you know he’s a friend of my family? He enclosed an offer for you.”
“For me?”
I held out the piece of paper. “He’s offering you a commission as a lieutenant. If you accept, you’re to report in Partheney and then take your place in the coastal border patrol.”
Jumping up, he took the letter. Honestly, I’d not known how he would react, but his face came alive.
“A commission? As a lieutenant?” He was overjoyed, reading the contents of the offer several times. “But don’t commissions cost a good deal of money?”
“Sebastian will pay it.”
“Oh, Megan.” His eyes flew up. “On the coastal patrol? I can hardly believe it.” Then his face fell, and he ran his free hand through his hair. “Wait. I can’t go. I can’t just leave you here, not with everything that’s...” He trailed off.
I fought to keep my expression still. He feared abandoning me.
“Yes, you can,” I answered. “Sebastian will look out for me, and our king needs men like you on the border. We’ll all be safer with you watching our shores.”
This was probably a pretty lie, but it worked.
His eyes lit up with hope again.
I touched his arm. “Go, Kai. Go.”
* * * *
Sebastian couldn’t bring himself to see Kai off, but Miriam and I did.
It was a bittersweet morning for me.
As he mounted up, I said, “Write when you can.”
“I’ll try, but I’ve never been one for writing.” He paused, looking down from his horse. “If you ever need me, I’ll come.”
“I know.”
He cantered toward the gate, and I felt the loss of him. Miriam’s hand grasped mine.
“You’ll always have me,” she said.
I gripped down on her fingers. “We’ll always have each other.”
* * * *
Winter turned into spring, and spring turned into summer again.
I turned eighteen.
After Kai’s departure, Sebastian expressed more concern for my happiness. Between that midwinter and summer, he held only two house parties, and in between those he spent a good deal of time with me, even taking me on a picnic once.
Occasionally, he would sleep in my bed, and we’d whisper under the covers and he’d pull me up against him to sleep. I would have liked this to happen much more often, but I’d learned never to ask more than he was capable of giving. Sebastian didn’t like to be questioned and he didn’t like to be pressed.
“You understand me,” he whispered one night. “Sometimes I think you’re the only one.”
I’d long since given up on us becoming a more traditional man and wife, but it pained me that we’d never have children.
In the middle of that summer, a letter arrived from Kai.
True to his word, he hadn’t written me often, so one of his infrequent letters always delighted me. This one was longer than usual, and I read parts of it aloud to Sebastian at dinner.
“He thinks next year he’ll be given command of a small contingent of scouts,” I said.
Sebastian shook his head. “He sounds happy, doesn’t he? As if he loves riding up and down the coast looking for pirates who’ve landed without permission.”
“He probably does.”
I didn’t know if Kai was a born soldier or not. I only knew that he needed a purpose.
However, there was a part of the letter I didn’t read to Sebastian, and that night in my room, I read it again by the light of a candle.
I’ve never had any doubt that you somehow took a hand in helping me escape the keep, and I will always be grateful. It may surprise you to hear that I still miss home so much, not the home I left, but the one I remember. In my mind, I go over and over that day when Father and Rolf were killed, imagining ways I might have stopped it.
For a brief span, between the time you came to live with us and the time they died, we had a true home. Then suddenly, Father and Rolf were gone and Sebastian became a stranger.
I like my comrades here, and I’ve made good friends, but they are not my own people and I sometimes feel alone. We all need our own people. With the exception of you, mine are gone.
During the day when I’d read that section, it had made me pity Kai. Here, in the night, in the solitude of my room, it made me pity myself. To my shame, tears sprang to my eyes.
I felt alone too.
I longed for Sebastian to come through the door with an apple or a bowl of strawberries.
The hours ticked by, and he didn’t. I began to feel desperate. Something about Kai’s letter brought the entire last year crashing down on me, and I could no longer sit in here by myself.
Should I go to Miriam? She was dear to me.
I didn’t want Miriam’s company tonight. I wanted Sebastian’s.
Rising from the bed, I put on my dressing robe and left the room. I went down the passage to the curve, to Sebastian’s room. I’d never slept in there but didn’t think he’d mind me coming to him this once. He understood loneliness better than he liked to let on.
Upon reaching his door, I almost knocked and then decided not to. He never knocked on mine, and at this hour, he may already be asleep. I could just slip in beside him. He’d understand, and he’d wake up enough to hold me.
Quietly, I cracked the door and opened it halfway.
A candle lantern glowed on the top of a table. Perhaps he wasn’t asleep. My gazed shifted to the bed as I saw movement there, and I went still. Two entwined forms moved slowly together on the bed. Tightly muscled shoulders and arms glistened with sweat.
Sebastian lay above Daveed, gripping Daveed’s head with both hands. His open mouth pressed against Daveed’s in a way that was urgent and hungry and sensual all at the same time.
I couldn’t move.
Daveed must have seen or sensed something because his head turned toward me.
An instant later, Sebastian looked over and saw me there in the doorway.
“Megan!”
He jumped off Daveed, grabbed a blanket, and wrapped it around his waist. Then he came toward me so fast I back-stepped into the wall across the passage. His face was close to mine as his body held me there against the wall.
“What are you doing here?” he demanded.
Was this the wrong that had been committed tonight? I’d gone up the passage to a room where I should not?
I couldn’t answer, and he seemed to realize the absurdity of the question.
“May I go to my own room?” I asked, shaking from the revelation of what I’d seen.
He stepped back. “Go. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
“Yes, tomorrow.”
* * * *
By morning, I was a different person. I grew up that night. For over a year, I’d believed that Sebastian and I were married and he loved me and that he practiced a different type of marriage.
None of this was true.
Yes, I had chosen him, but he hadn’t chosen me. All this time, he’d been in love with someone else, someone who was not me, and I’d been too blind to see it.
The next morning, he was up early and called me into his study.
There, he leaned down and studied my face.
“It’s gone,” he said.
“What’s gone?”
“That look. The look you always give me as if the sun rises and sets around my head.”
I suppose it was gone. He was in love with someone else, and he’d hidden it. I couldn’t forgive him.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
I didn’t respond. His apology meant little.
In agitation, he put one fist to his mouth and took it away again. “I can’t have this. I can’t have you looking at me like that.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying we can’t live together with you looking at me like that.”
So this was my fault? Would he send me away? Where? Back to my parents? I couldn’t stand the thought.
Walking away to the desk, he said, “We have to solve this.” He turned to face me again. “What if I give you the house in Rennes? It was my mother’s and I own it outright. I could set you up with a monthly stipend for expenses and servants?”
It took a moment for me to grasp what he was offering: my independence. We would remain married, but I’d have my own house and my household, well away from here. Once this sank in, I understood what Kai must have felt upon receiving the offer for his commission.
Then I saw the desperation in Sebastian’s eyes. He wished me gone. He only wanted me here so long as I adored him. This hurt, but I kept my head and took advantage of his need.
“I want the house signed over to me, in my name,” I said, “and I want no monthly stipend that can be cut off. Dip into the money from the silver mines and provide me with enough to support me for life.”
My voice sounded hard, and he stared at me. “Megan . . .”
“Is it a bargain?”
He nodded.
I knew my heart should be breaking, but it wasn’t. Perhaps I was my father’s daughter after all.