Chapter 14
The first time I laid eyes upon Volodane Hall, I was wet, damp, and struggling not to give way to misery.
Right after the wedding I found myself of the back of a horse for a two-day journey. Thankfully, Miriam had agreed to accompany me, and by the time we reached our destination, I’d still not been expected to share a bed with Kai. He’d not spoken to me for the entire journey.
What had I been thinking, choosing him? Whatever had possessed me?
He wasn’t pleased that I’d chosen him. In this regard alone, either of his brothers would have proven a saner option.
The farther north we traveled, the sky grew darker. Though it was early summer, a cold drizzle began to fall, soaking through my cloak. None of the men seemed to notice, but Miriam and I both shivered. A part of me still couldn’t believe my parents had sent me off with these strangers without a word of comfort or concern.
Finally we arrived at Volodane Hall, and yet the sight of it brought me no relief—rather just the opposite. Because of the word “hall,” I’d been picturing something like an oversized hunting lodge.
But a bleak, decaying one-towered keep stood at the top of a rise.
“Home, sweet home,” Sebastian said. “Such as it is.”
Sitting on his horse in front of me, Kai turned around to see my reaction. I’d not expected him to do this and had no chance to hide my dismay.
Jarrod urged his mount into a canter, rode up to the gates, and called out. A moment later, I heard a grinding sound, like timber creaking across timber, and then the gates opened.
We rode inside to a small, muddy courtyard. We had several wagons of goods sent by my parents, along with my luggage. Captain Marcel began calling out orders for proper unpacking and storage. Large, growling wolfhounds stalked between the horses.
This was not a welcoming place.
Jarrod jumped to the wet ground and called back toward us, “Kai! Get the women inside.”
Kai was already off his horse, but instead of reaching for me, he walked to Miriam and lifted her down. By the time her feet were settled, Sebastian was on the ground beside me.
“Put your hands on my shoulders,” he ordered.
I wondered at the wisdom of accepting his help, as Kai was my husband. Though Kai clearly wasn’t happier than me about us having been pressed into this marriage, I didn’t want to alienate him further by seeming to depend on his brother.
Still, I was exhausted and sore from riding and had no wish to offend Sebastian either. Placing my hands on his shoulders, I let him lift me down.
After this, Miriam and I were ushered inside the front doors of the keep . . . and I was home. The foyer and main passage were both dim, but Sebastian slipped past to lead the way.
“Bring them along, Kai,” he called over one shoulder, hurrying ahead. “I’ll make sure the fire is stoked in the hall.”
There was that word again: hall.
At the end of the passage, we emerged indeed to a large chamber with a fireplace tall enough that I could have stood inside. The sight of the already burning logs and the emanation of warmth filled me with relief. Half a dozen friendly spaniels came running toward us, wriggling and whining for attention. One of them leaped up into Kai’s chest. He caught the dog with both arms and smiled.
“Lacey, stop that. You know better.”
It was the first time I’d seen him smile.
Miriam grasped my hand and pointed to the hearth. “My lady?”
Nodding, I let her lead me to the warmth of the blaze. The walls were bare of any ornament or tapestry, and the floor was filthy.
Hearing heavy footsteps, I turned to see Jarrod and Rolf walk in.
Kai put down the dog.
Two serving women hurried in carrying trays, and Jarrod waved me toward the table. “Over here.”
Miriam and I both moved to join him. Though my dress was damp, and I couldn’t stop shivering, I was hungry and longing for a mug of tea.
I waited for Jarrod to take his seat so the rest of us could follow suit. He didn’t. He stood beside the table and poured himself a mug of what looked to be ale. Then he poured another and held it out to me. I didn’t care for ale.
Of course, though, I took it, and he gestured down to a tray on the table. “Help yourself.”
The only items on the tray were two loaves of hardened bread and a half wheel of cheese with mold on the rind.
Kai watched my face carefully, and his resentment was unmistakable. He thought me a snob who viewed them all as far beneath myself, who viewed this place as far beneath myself. Perhaps he wasn’t wrong.
Jarrod studied me as well. “The kitchen women have grown lazy. It’s your place to set them into minding their tasks.” He paused. “I want to have guests here soon and not be ashamed.”
I shuddered at the thought of being expected to turn this keep into a place suitable for entertaining. No one had ever taught me how to run a house. But I pushed the thought aside and tried to eat a chunk of the cheese.
After a few bites, I felt too exhausted to eat.
Jarrod waved to one of the serving women. “Betty, show your new lady to her room. You know which one.” He looked back to me. “Kai will be up later.”
That prospect was far more daunting than the thought of running a household.
Miriam and I followed Betty.
* * * *
The room I was given on the second floor of the single tower was a woman’s room, or it once had been.
Two candles burned on a bed stand, providing sufficient light.
Walking to the dressing table, I gazed into the mirror and cringed, as I was more bedraggled than I’d realized. Miriam stood in the center of the room, taking in the furnishings. Her face was pale and stricken.
What had I dragged her into?
One of my chests had been carried and set at the end of the bed. “See if I have a nightgown in there.”
Springing into action, she peeled off my dress and my shift and then helped me into a long white nightgown. I grew anxious over what would happen tonight. My mother hadn’t told me much of what took place between men and women in the dark.
Miriam must have sensed my thoughts. “Try not to worry, my lady.”
Just as she’d begun attempting to dry my hair, the door opened, and Kai walked in.
He still wore his sword and chain armor. His entire body was rigid, and I could hear him breathing as he glared at me. Glancing at Miriam, he motioned toward the door with his head. “Go.”
Taking in his expression, she hesitated. “My lady?”
This only seemed to make him angrier, and so I told her, “It’s all right. Have someone show you to your room.”
She slipped out, and I stood facing Kai alone. Most women probably would have found him handsome, with his young, clean-shaven face and long hair. I only saw a tall, strong man who didn’t like me. Worse, I belonged to him. He could do anything he wanted and I couldn’t stop him and no one would care.
For the first time since our wedding, I realized the full extent of my situation, and I was afraid. If only he had talked to me a little before now. But he hadn’t. We’d barely exchanged a few words.
He didn’t take his eyes from my face.
“You don’t want me,” he said. “Like all your kind, you look down on us. On me.”
“That’s not true.”
“You do want me? Then say it. Say the words.”
I couldn’t say it. He was an angry stranger, and I was afraid of him.
At my silence, he whirled and left the room.
A flood of relief passed through me, but this was followed by a different kind of fear. What would happen now? I had no protector here, and my husband cared nothing for my welfare. In fact, he seemed to want me gone. Whatever I did, I couldn’t allow myself to make any kind of mistake nor do anything for which I might be blamed. There would be no one to take my side.
Shivering, I crawled beneath the covers of the bed.
I was in a room surrounded by someone else’s things. This wasn’t my home, and the Volodanes weren’t my family. I never thought to miss my parents, but at least I knew what they expected of me. I even missed Helena.
What would she have done in my place?
No doubt she’d have won Kai over by now, and he’d be on his knees, willing to kill or die for her.
I wasn’t Helena, not even close. He didn’t like me.
I was alone.
Tears leaked from my eyes and disappeared into the pillow.
* * * *
The next morning Miriam brought me water for washing, but I could see she was concerned when she entered the room, glancing at me furtively.
“Are you well, my lady?” she asked.
Was she worried Kai had brutalized me last night?
“Yes,” I answered. “Perfectly well.”
I didn’t bother to elaborate. I didn’t wish to share that my new husband had walked out the door only moments after he’d entered.
She pulled the yellow muslin gown from a chest.
“No,” I said. “I’ll wear my old blue wool. It’s warmer.”
It was a simple gown of blue-gray that had been washed too many times, but it was soft and fit me well. Kai couldn’t care less how I was dressed or what I looked like, so why shouldn’t I give myself this one comfort?
Once dressed, I had Miriam weave my hair into its usual thick braid and I pushed the new shorter strands behind my ears. I felt more like myself.
“I’m going down,” I told Miriam. “Would you sort through the chests and put my gowns in the wardrobe?”
“Of course, my lady.”
I left the room, headed down the passage, and then down the curving stairs of the tower. If Kai wouldn’t treat me as his wife, my only task here was to try and put the aging keep in order. If I was to maintain any kind of value to the Volodanes, I couldn’t make a mistake. I had to be successful, and yet I wasn’t sure of my own power here. It seemed wise to attempt to neither understep nor overstep my bounds, and this would be a thin line to walk.
I decided to begin in the filthy main hall.
The first things I saw upon entering were Sebastian and Kai, standing by the table, eating the rest of the cheese from the previous night. The pack of spaniels wriggled at their feet.
Sebastian took in the sight of me and frowned in open disapproval. “Good gods, what are you wearing?”
I ignored the question.
Kai watched me walk in, but I had no idea what he was thinking. As always, he simply struck me as angry. He took a long drink of ale.
“Is that your breakfast?” I asked him.
He shrugged. “It’ll do.”
The last thing I wanted to do was disagree with him. At least he’d spoken to me. That was something.
The two women who’d brought this food the night before now came in seeking to gather the trays. Betty was short and plump. The other woman was tall and spindly. They both looked at my dress and hair in some confusion. I suddenly realized that I hardly appeared as the lady of the house.
“This is Matilda . . . my lady,” Betty explained, motioning to her companion.
I nodded. “I would like this hall swept out, and I want the floor scrubbed. Then I’d like all the cobwebs swept down and the walls prepared for tapestries.”
“My lady?” Betty asked, as if she hadn’t heard me correctly.
I wavered. Was I allowed to give such orders? No one had explained the extent of my role here, and Kai’s treatment had left me walking on eggshells.
Sebastian’s face brightened. “Tapestries?”
“Yes. Mother sent four tapestries from storage in the manor.”
Kai said nothing, but Sebastian turned to Betty and Matilda. “You heard your new lady.”
At his urging, they sprang into action.
With the cleaning of the hall underway, I looked again at the remnants of breakfast and sighed. “I suppose I had better go and sort out the kitchen.”
Sebastian stepped closer. “Shall I come with you? I fear the women in the kitchen are not as biddable as Betty and Matilda.”
With all my heart, I wanted to jump at his offer. The thought of Sebastian’s support was beyond tempting. But Kai was still watching me carefully. He seemed to be laboring under the impression that I despised him and everyone and everything here. Nothing I did or said would apparently dissuade him of this belief. I somehow had to show him that I considered this place my home, and that I would do my best here.
How could this be accomplished?
For now, I simply had to be sure to make no serious mistakes—that might anger Jarrod—while I figured out how to make some sort of peace with Kai. Once that happened, I hoped he would support me . . . that he would be on my side.
Though this seemed a dim hope, there was little choice but to press onward.
“Thank you,” I told Sebastian. “I can speak to the cooks myself.”
He shrugged.
Turning, I left the main hall and asked Betty directions to the kitchen. She was helpful enough and pointed down a passage leading west.
As I reached the end of the passage, I walked through the open archway into the kitchen, and there I found three women among the ovens and pots and pans. The eldest was quietly kneading bread on a table.
The other two women were barely past twenty, and they sat at a smaller, second table laughing and chatting with each other over mugs of steaming tea and plates of scrambled eggs with strawberries on the side.
The woman making bread saw me first and froze. Then the other two looked up. One of them was strikingly pretty with black hair, pale skin, and a smatter of freckles. The other one was somewhat stocky with reddish hair.
The pretty one nearly sneered at me as she took in my dress. The mild regret I’d felt upon greeting Betty and Matilda was nothing in comparison to what I felt now. I should have donned my yellow muslin gown and had Miriam pile up my hair.
“What do you want?” the pretty girl asked rudely.
“Lavonia!” the older woman gasped. “And Cora. This must be your new lady.”
Lavonia’s manner made me anxious. I was being tested. My mother would have dismissed the girl on the spot, but I was uncertain. Again, what were the breadth and limits of my power?
Instead of calling her on impertinent manner, I turned to the gentle elder woman making bread.
“What is your name?”
“Ester, my lady.”
I nodded. “Ester, will that bread you’re making be baked by midday?”
“Yes, my lady.”
I spoke only to her. “When it’s baked, could you please prepare trays with slices of fresh bread with butter, bowls of strawberries, boiled eggs, and several pots of tea? I’d like this carried up to the hall for any of the men who come in to eat.”
“Yes, my lady.”
“If they want anything, they’ll send for it,” Lavonia said.
I ignored her and continued speaking to Ester. “If there is ham in the larder for dinner tonight, I’d like you to serve ham with whatever vegetables are available. I’ll have decanters sent in, and I’d like two decanters of red wine drawn from the casks.” I paused. “I’ll send Betty and Matilda right at dusk this evening.”
“Yes, my lady.”
I finally looked at Lavonia. “I trust you will be of help with this if you wish to keep your place in this house.”
“Is that a threat?” Her face twisted with anger. “Lord Jarrod will hear of this!”
My stomach clenched, but I only nodded to her once as I swept from the room.
* * * *
By evening, I took a short break from my work to run upstairs and let Miriam lace me into a silk gown and pile up my hair. I wore the diamond pendant.
When I came back down, I looked the part of lady of the house.
Upon reaching the main hall, I heard masculine voices and walked in to find Jarrod, Rolf, Sebastian, and Kai all there. Jarrod and Rolf were both looking about the place in surprise at its transformation.
They seemed especially interested in the tapestries. I still didn’t know what to make of Rolf. At first, he’d been openly stunned and angry when I hadn’t chosen him, but I soon had a feeling that he loved Kai and didn’t begrudge his youngest brother. After that, he’d been civil to me if not friendly.
“Dinner will be served shortly,” I said from the archway.
All four men turned as I walked in. Kai took in my dress and hair, and though he glowered, he never stopped following me with his eyes.
“You approve of the changes?” I asked Jarrod.
He glanced at the properly set table and the nearest tapestry. “I do.”
At that moment, Betty and Matilda came in carrying trays of sliced ham, roasted potatoes, peas, and two decanters of wine.
“Shall we sit down?” I suggested.
Jarrod shook his head as if amused. “I approve indeed.” Then he looked to Kai. “Now I want a grandson.”
Kai glanced away.
* * * *
That night, Miriam dressed me for bed and lingered in my room until I sent her off. I would have preferred her to stay, but I knew that wouldn’t do.
I wondered if Kai would come, and I feared that he would come.
Time slipped past toward the mid of night.
He didn’t come, and my fear shifted.
My husband didn’t want me and cared nothing for me. Where would this lead?
What a foolish choice I’d made.