“A man once said the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I was his test guinea pig.” – Hawk

 

 

He stopped.

He parked.

He waited.

Skin itching under his cut and long, worn leather coat.

He watched with his predator eyes.

The hunger in them unmasked.

He was addicted.

He kept right on feeding his filthy obsession, and he didn’t care.

For what felt like the millionth time Hawk rounded his shoulders, braced a foot against the short wall and hunched over the hot cup of take-out coffee he cradled in his two hands.

His eyes never wavered from the window third from the right.

Gia’s house.

Gia’s bedroom, to be more precise.

Maybe she was up there napping. He only intended to stop to grab a coffee and a sausage bagel from the local diner for breakfast.

Somehow his bike brought him here.

Again.

He was a Groundhog Day kind of creeper.

No point in denying it at this point, not since he’d been in Austin for weeks and had no immediate plans to leave.

When he’d arrived recently on a mercy mission, his heart all out of fucking whack with worry, he’d camped out at Henry Memorial hospital and hadn’t moved for days. He’d discreetly watched his best friend and his old lady coming and going, their connection to one another palpable, something Hawk hadn’t had a chance to witness growing since he’d been away from his club for nearing a year now. In that time, the Preacher had gotten himself hitched and with a kid. Fuck, he missed home.

He’d watched the blowhard Mad-dog, real name Ajax Marinos, arrive at the hospital with Rider’s mom, it was with an unguarded moment to see the old man looking worried for one of his kids, Hawk had never seen the man other than pissed off or chewing at Rider for something or other.

Managing to keep out of sight, Hawk ventured down the long hallway of the hospital to Gia’s private room when he knew everyone had left for the night and she would be sleeping. One night after her burst appendix was taken care of, he’d been approached outside of her room by a doctor who looked concerned, probably because of Hawk’s menacing appearance.

For what it was worth he already knew he resembled a pissed off serial killer most of the time, he was completely fine about it, it kept people away. But as the doctor looked a second away from calling security Hawk had gruffed he was Gia’s husband and wanted to know how she was.

Husband. Even weeks later he was still churned up. Why hadn’t he said brother? Cousin? Best friend? Next door neighbor? Husband rolled off his tongue like it was meant to be there.

What a fucking delusional jackass.

There was a padded cell somewhere with his name on a strait jacket.

He was too much of an ornery bastard to give into madness, but oh, he teetered daily.

Case in point, sipping on hot coffee in the heat of late August staring at a house he’d never seen inside or was ever likely to.

But knowing there was nowhere else he wanted to be.

He felt at peace knowing his little bit of a thing was safe and recovering inside.

She’d been home more than a week now, she’d only ventured outside a couple of times, his filthy fucking eyes eating up the sight of her dark hair and little cut off shorts, she was yet to return to work. Yeah, he was the creeper who knew her schedule.

Fuck the guilt.

She had no clue he was here and wouldn’t, he was not ringing that doorbell for anything.

It had been a sore in his gut when he’d learned she was having emergency surgery. It became a done deal instantly that he’d travel to Austin.

Why was he still here? Stupidity.

Why wasn’t he leaving? Delusional.

She was fine and healthy again. He’d seen with his own eyes. He’d done what he came for.

Leave, fucker.

Five more minutes, he told himself just as his phone buzzed. Ditching the coffee, he looked up and down Gia’s quiet street before he answered.

The club owner was on the line. “You’re still alive then. I wondered.”

“Dramatic as ever, Rider,” his mouth twitched with maybe a smile. It had been a while, he wasn’t sure, could be the beginning of a stroke with his luck. “How’s it going?”

“I don’t hear shit from you all month, Snake’s wearin’ mourning black.” Joked his president.  

Rider might not have heard from Hawk, but Hawk had seen him recently talking to Zara when they were in Austin discussing some baby shit like two overly happy dickheads.

He couldn’t quite believe his best friend was gonna be a dad. It suited Rider.

“I always knew Snake had a thing for me, that weirdo.”

“Listen, brother, we got us a situation G came across last night.” Rider’s voice downshifted to a darker tone, all talk of joking disappearing, Hawk became alert listening to what was happening back home with the Russians and Rex.

He cursed when he had the full annoying picture.

“Can’t we just kill him? I’ll do it for free. Me and Lawless will flip for it.”

Rider laughed. “That’s why I knew I had to call. We need you home, bro.”

Hawk’s gut tightened, his eyes on little bit’s house. “Are we sure the heat is off?”

Weak excuse.

His chest was burning at the thought of leaving and that was just foolish, he wasn’t having tea parties with Gia, she didn’t know he was here, after their last conversation when he was a complete fuckstick to her he reasoned she wouldn’t be pleased to know or rush to invite him over.

“No one is asking about Hades anymore, it’s like he never existed, thank fuck. Grinder’s contacts in the bureau have told him it’s an open and shut case they’re not actively pursuin’ unless some new information about Hades’ disappearance rocks up and we all know there is no info to be had. I need my VP home. If this is what I think it is with Rex, we gotta be ready, Hawk, the club’s gotta be strong. I have a kid on the way, no way I want to be in the middle of conflict when Zara is pushin’ out my baby.”

Fuck.

Fuck.

Loyal to his friend, their history ran deep, he knew what Rider was saying didn’t come easy to him. Rider was both friend and his president, there wasn’t many Hawk listened to and heeded to their command. He could count on one hand who he’d allow to command him, and he’d have three fingers left over.

His friend was a ball of dynamism, everyone gravitated towards Rider, always had, he was a powerhouse and prospects, brothers and groupies alike had at one point all wanted to bask in that kind of energy he gave off. He drew loyalty. If Rider was worried it could only mean trouble for the club, not only because of the day to day dangers an outlaw crew brought, but now Rider had more than just the club to protect.

Go home? Okay. Okay. He could do this. He should have done it a while ago when he felt his unstable behavior slipping.

There was no reason to stick.

He yanked at his own hair. This was the wakeup call he needed to get his fucking head back on right, hanging out here like a moping chick with a boyband crush. What did he think would happen, really? He had no intention of touching the little bit of a thing. Ever. Ever.

His obsession was monstrous and she was better off with him far, far away where his taint couldn’t stain her.

“Okay,” his voice a painful scratch from the back of his throat. “I’ll set off tonight.”

“Where the fuck are you even?”

Outside your baby sister’s place hoping to get a glimpse of her to stop my cock from raging.

“Just passing through Texas, some grubby motel. I was thinking of heading home soon anyway, better now than ever.”

“It’ll be good to have you back, brother.”

Hawk felt his chest tighten. He’d missed his club brothers, those annoying shitheads.

“Yeah, yeah,” he scoffed. “Having an old lady has turned you into a pussy, Ri.”

Rider laughed. “I’ll tell Icy you said hello. Wait a second, Hawk… “

Hawk scowled impatient. Jackass putting him on hold like he was a call center. He could hear the softer voice in the background that had to belong to Rider’s old lady. Was she dropping the kid soon? He’d never sought to be around kids, but now the Preacher had a ready-made son, and Rider with one on the way, it was going to be inevitable they got spit up on his fucking boots. The next generation of Souls were being put into place, he thought absently, ice trickling through his blood stream, at least those kids would have a better upbringing. No one calling them a disease of nature.

“Hawk? Icy just made a good point. You wanna hang around Texas for a while?”

His heart ceased pumping blood. Zara suggested that? After she was the one to tell him about Gia?

He couldn’t say a word.

“Might be worthwhile if you have eyes and ears around the Austin chapter, brother. Listen out to see if you hear anythin’ about Rex and if he’s acting alone, he’s excommunicated but talk is he still hangs around there sometimes like he’s trying to be king of a castle he has no business with, and you know Mad-dog was always his shadow. I can talk to Ty down there, smooth the way for you.” Ty was the Austin president. Tough guy, but fair with it, Rider had handpicked him to run the Texas chapter.

He didn’t have to leave. He could stay. Why did his lungs inflate so goddamn fast? the relief filling his disturbed mind. He needed out of this state, he acknowledged the madness of his burst of happiness.

Rust stained his voice. “Your old lady is thinking like a club queen, Ri. Sure, I can stick for a bit and see what I can dig up about the old fucker.”

A minute later they hung up.

Right on time for him to witness a white sedan pulling into the small car port right outside Gia’s place. It was a car he didn’t recognize and he had all her visitors down to memory like a fucking creeper.

It was only when a lanky fucker wearing glasses and carrying a briefcase stepped out that Hawk’s entire body turned glacial.

Who the hell was this walking corpse then? He better pray he was a Mormon bringing the lords words door to fucking door.

Anger washed through his vision until he could only see in steps of murder as the guy knocked on the door. Waited. And then Gia pulled it open.

It wasn’t the fact she was letting this guy inside that bothered Hawk, oh, that did, it twisted his stomach until he tasted the bile sloshing with the coffee. It was the fact she gave this guy, with the handsome face and sweep of dark mussed hair, the biggest smile of all time.

The biggest fucking happy smile he’d ever seen and then she ushered him in.

Closing the door with them both on the inside.

It took every fucking instinct and will not to cross the street, not to kick the door in and to not drag the guy out by the throat before he slit it in plain view of everyone.

Possessive thoughts he had no right feeling assaulted Hawk until he had to force himself to climb onto his bike, to start it up and to drive away, drive away fast, not looking back.

She needed that. He told himself. She needed a nice normal guy to make her smile, not the attention of an unstable lunatic.

Hours’ worth of brooding later Hawk shoved arms into his jacket, he had everything he needed to make himself at home in the Austin chapter.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Some fucker was insistent with the texts. If it was Snake he was going to wring that guys neck, he was never in the mood for Snake’s humor, least of all tonight.

A brain aneurysm threatened to blow the top of his head off.

Even as his cock hardened to granite. Oh, to fuck her, just once. To plow the sweet wetness.

Gia.

God.

Fuck.

It was Déjà vu.

Gia: Happy Birthday, Hawk.

Gia: And even though you’re always a giant asshole, I wish you a great birthday!

Gia: Just so you know you still owe me an apology one of these days. Happy Birthday giant asshole! :-) Xox

Huh. He’d forgotten it was his birthday.

Re-reading the messages, his mouth definitely quirked a closed-lip deadly grin this time.

Filthy longing filled his lungs, his addiction was alive and well, breeding like a greedy bastard hanging onto every single word. He’d fuck so much giant assholeness into her.

Fuck, shut up with that.

Time to check out and get over to the MC, Rider would have made the call to alert them his VP was on the way.

He was supposed to be gone. Now he was ever closer to her.

Reluctant, he paused to read the messages again.

The phone message thread went on for years. He never deleted anything from her.

“Little bit….”