I stand there in a daze, Gavin’s words still lingering around me. Slowly, I turn around and find myself staring out over the city, taking in the sort of view I’ve never seen before. So many little lights twinkle in a rainbow of colors, but they all begin to blur as my eyes fill with tears that spill over quietly. I look up and stare at the big, white rock, drifting between clouds. It seems so close…so close I could almost reach out and touch it. I follow the moonbeams down, to the shadows and silhouettes that whisper all around me. Off to the side, I see a path, leading to a dark forest of trees that rests on a gentle downward slope, its treetops glistening in the moonlight. I stare at it, at the darkness that lays waiting just beyond. It calls to me, because it’s the only thing around me that feels familiar. This house, this city, this view, it’s like foreign lands to me. But the trees, that forest, with a familiar sky overhead, promises me shelter, a cocoon of nature I want to lose myself in, because it all hurts so much. Too much.
I want it to be him.
I want him to be my first.
The idea that he isn’t into anything more than a fling has me thinking—maybe I could do this with him after all.
If he’ll let me.
I turn around and head back inside, where it’s quiet and dimly lit. I wander past the sleeping fireplace, to the laundry room, and take my clothes out of the dryer. The red dress looks so strange now, like from a different time. I take the wet clothes I’m wearing and put them in the dryer, then wrap the towel around me and make my way up the stairs. At the end of the hall, I see a glow coming from beneath the double doors, but it disappears before my eyes.
At the door to my room, I stop, one hand on the latch, the other holding the towel. I’m at one of those crossroads, the kind where life can go one way or the other. I can go inside, get in bed and accept that Shayne will be my first.
Or…
I open the door, toss my dry clothes in the room, then walk slowly down the hall. At the double doors I stop, my heart pounding within me. I think about what I’ll say, how much I should reveal. If I tell him I’m a virgin, I know he’ll refuse me. I won’t bleed, but I wonder if he’ll be able to tell by my inexperience. I’ve never even kissed a man. But the certainty of what I have waiting for me back home offers me strength.
I need it to be him.
As quiet as I can, I open the door with a shaky hand and step inside.
Moonlight streams in through a giant window off to my right, casting rays across the large room that holds nothing more than a punching bag off to the side, and a bed that appears to float off the ground. I expect to see Gavin lying on the mattress, but instead, he’s sitting on the edge, in his underwear, his head in his hands.
When the door clicks closed behind me, his head jerks up.
It takes only the barest physical effort to let my fingers release the towel. It’s such a simple movement, with such drastic consequences, sort of like how it might feel stepping off a cliff.
I stand there, hoping he can’t see how much I’m trembling.
Gavin sits fully upright. “What the fuck are you doing?”
He sounds angry, like the beast I first met back on the freeway, but still I walk towards him, feeling vulnerable, feeling the spotlight of the moon shine on my naked body as I walk into its rays. I watch his eyes turn dark and hungry.
I stand before him now, my hair wet around my shoulders, my skin hot like it’s on fire. Carefully, I reach for his hand and lift it to my breast. I gasp when our flesh makes contact, and a low groan seeps from his throat, but he yanks his hand away.
“I can’t,” he snaps.
Determined, I reach for his hand again, but he grabs my wrist and yanks me to my knees. “You don’t know what you’re doing.”
“Yes. I do.”
“No. You don’t. I’m a brutal lover, Ava. And with where my head’s at right now, I have no place touching a woman, much less a woman like you.”
Like me.
I don’t understand what that means. I turn away, afraid to ask, afraid to know, but he takes my chin and guides my gaze back to his. The anger in his eyes is still there, but now there’s regret, and sadness too. “You put on a good show, Ava, but you’re more delicate than you let on.”
I swallow, still not understanding. “And that’s…bad?”
His lips tighten and his hand falls away. “I’m not a gentle man.”
I reach out slowly and run my fingertips along the dark line of his jaw. “I don’t need you to be gentle. I can’t afford gentle.” It’s the truth. It may seem strange, but I know what my future holds. It won’t be gentle. It will be anything but gentle. And I want—no need—to experience it first at the hands of someone I trust, someone I care about, which seems odd to be thinking that way about him after only one evening together. But somehow, the series of events we’ve been through, just in the course of a night, has brought us…close. And I do. I care about him.
He stares at me, and I think perhaps I’ve broken through to him, but his face grows tight and he jerks away from me and stalks to the other side of the room, by the punching bag. He turns and faces me, hands in fists by his side. “Get out!"
His words are so loud and so harsh, they feel like a sharp slap across my face. Tears fill my eyes, and I rise onto shaky legs.
So close.
After everything that’s happened tonight—so damn close, but he won’t have me. “Coward,” I hiss, then storm for the door.
A dark flash of something closes in from the side and I’m suddenly whirled around and shoved into the wall with strong, angry hands. “What’d you call me?”
I meet his menacing eyes head on. “A coward.”
“I’m a coward because I’m trying to protect you?”
“I don’t need your protection.” I need you.
“So you want to be hurt, is that it? Because that’s what I’ll do, Ava. That’s what gets me off.” I blink and he closes in, sensing weakness. “You know what else will get me off? Pushing you. Pushing you to your limits. Pushing until you can’t take anymore. You’ll beg me to stop. Hopefully even cry. And you know what I’ll do?”
I swallow and shake my head.
He leans in, brushing his lips against my ear, and whispers, “I’ll push you some more.”
I gasp. His voice. The way it sounds. The cruelty behind it. The coldness. I thought he was a different kind of beast. But—I was wrong.
All my courage is gone, vaporized into oblivion. I push past him, staggering backwards as a sob breaks, all my hopes shattered…again. He watches me with an odd sort of detachment, as I tear through the door and flee.
“Ava, wait. I’m—”
His words are cut off when I enter my room and slam the door, locking it behind me. I crumble against it, trying hard to keep my voice down, keep my sobs quiet. I slide to the bottom and hug myself tight, thinking of all the ways tonight has failed. Then there’s the future, and all it holds. The despair stabs me like a knife, over and over. I curl myself up tighter, hoping I can ball myself up so small, I’ll just disappear.
A soft knock sounds. “Ava?”
I don’t answer, just squeeze my eyes shut, trying to drown him out.
“Ava, please—”
I hear the faint sound of the latch being tried, then he sighs. There’s a grating slide of something against the door. When he speaks again, he sounds like he’s down on the ground, at my level. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I was trying to scare you.”
I have nothing to say. No words to offer.
A silence settles in, broken only by my muffled weeping.
How long we sit there, I’m not sure. It’s a strange sort of intimacy, with him on the other side of the door, separated by only a couple inches of wood, and yet it feels like he’s still so far away.
Eventually, I hear his voice. “I wasn’t prepared for you, Ava.”
My throat tightens and I find myself struggling to reconcile this man with the beast in that room. I turn around and lay my hand flat against the door, as though I can touch him from here. My tears have settled, my breath has quieted, but my head is still sorting through it all.
I swallow and ask the question burning my tongue. “Were you telling the truth?”
It’s quiet on the other side of the door, and I think perhaps he isn’t going to answer, but then…“Yes.”
His words echo in my mind.
I’ll push you to your limits.
You’ll beg me to stop.
Hopefully even cry.
“Why?” I ask.
“That’s just the way I’m made, Ava. The way life shaped me.”
I press forward, not willing or able to give up on him. “And the women you’re with—they like it?”
“The type of woman I choose to be with, yes, they like it.”
“What type is that?”
A sigh drifts through the door. “The type that can survive me.”
I think of Candace then. So beautiful, but so cruel, and so cold.
There’s a shift against the door and I can tell when he speaks again, that he’s standing now. “I won’t keep you any longer. I just wanted to say I’m sorry and…to thank you. You brought…” He pauses for a long moment. “You brought light to an otherwise dark place. Thank you, Ava.”
My body warms, pumping with renewed blood. There are no more doubts. No more fears. I’m up and out the door.
“Gavin, wait.”
He pauses in the darkened hallway, a few steps from his bedroom. His head hangs low, his body stands still.
I walk towards him, not stopping until I’m so close my nipples graze his skin.
He shakes his head and closes his eyes. “You test my control, Ava.”
I wonder if he’ll send me away again. But then…“One night,” he whispers, looking at me now. “One night only. Understand?”
A light suddenly appears at the end of what has been a very long, dark tunnel.
I nod.
He reaches out and slides a fingertip across my cheek. I close my eyes, cherishing his touch. It’s so delicate, so thoughtful, but I know it won’t last. Not after all he’s just revealed. His hand falls away and I open my eyes to see him extend his arm towards the bedroom, a darkness brewing in his gaze. “After you.”
I walk into the moonlit room and hear the click of the door behind me. A heartbeat later his presence is at my back. He stands there, hovering, the only contact the heat that simmers off his body onto mine. Then I feel it—a fingertip, or perhaps the back of his finger, moving slowly up and down my spine.
“Do you know what a safe word is?” he asks quietly.
I swallow and nod. I’ve read the books.
“I need you to think of one,” he says. “Something you’ll remember. ‘No’ and ‘stop’ won’t save you, but your safe word will. That will be my promise to you, Ava. But I need a promise from you, too. I need you to promise me you’ll use it, when you get to that point. Can you do that for me?”
I nod, and adrenaline begins to float through my blood. I should be scared, but I’m not. In fact, I’m determined to show him I’m not as delicate as he thinks. An idea comes to mind, along with a word.
“Oscar,” I whisper.
“Oscar?”
I turn to face him and nod. “If you want an Oscar, you’re going to have to earn it.”
“Ava,” he says, in a tone so reverent my heart wants to burst through my chest.
I smile. “But you’ll have to catch me first.”