Ava
I wait, curled up on my side in the middle of the room, not because he’s at the door, but because I know I won’t have the strength to get here in time once I hear the lock turn. But I’m ready. As ready as I’ll ever be. I used up the last of my energy to shower and shave, then had a piece of bread, drank a little water, and wrapped my hand up tight. Now I just wait. I wait for Shayne. All the while, chanting in my head…
Please let him be alive.
Please let him be alive.
Please let him be alive.
I drift off twice before I hear the click of the lock. In an instant, I’m on my hands and knees, trembling, not over fear of what he’ll do, but over what he may have already done.
He comes in quietly and I peer through my hair to see the familiar dark figure, the same black clothes, the hair tied back. By the time he’s standing in front of me, barefoot like always, my eyes are already down.
It’s like nothing has changed.
Like it’s just another session.
But so much has changed.
Everything has changed.
Shayne crouches near my head and gives a couple gentle tugs on my hair. “Miss me?” he asks.
The deep voice, the scent I breathe in, that strange feeling inside has me nodding my head, truthfully. But it’s overwhelmed by something else. Terror. Terror over the news I’m afraid I’ll hear. But I can’t let it get to me. I have to wait. Have to be patient. He can’t know. Can’t know how torn up I am. That will only make things worse.
He sighs. “Yeah, I missed you too.”
He strokes my hair, petting me in that soft way. That twisted part of me soaks it up, because I know it won’t last. Not with what I’m about to do.
He stands and moves off to the side where I hear the rustle of clothes, along with his voice. “Had ourselves a bit of a show and tell the other night. But…guess it’s time we had no more secrets between us.”
He’s moving again, over to The Cage, where I hear the squeak of the door. He’s not going to tell me. He’s going to make me wait. Make me suffer. But I expected this. Even so, the anguish has me wanting to fall apart but I steel myself. I have to stay strong. If Gavin is still alive, this is how I’ll save him. For good. But if he’s gone…
He’s not gone.
He’s not gone.
He’s not gone.
The beast walks around me now, circling, and I hear the jingle. The jingle of the Cat. How fitting. It all started with a cat, and will likely end with one too.
He drags it along my back, the tails spreading out and purring against my nerves, the metal beads like claws kneading at my skin.
I close my eyes, knowing this is it. This is my moment. I lick my lips and start with the one place I know to start. I form the words and say the one thing I haven’t said. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m sorry I broke my word.”
He stops, in front of me now, the Cat hanging on my shoulders. “It’s a little late for that, Ava.” His voice is low, dark.
I swallow and push forward. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“Shut up! Shut up, Ava! I don’t want to hear it!”
The Cat is gone, but I know it will return. I breathe, I center, I keep myself soft. I hear the hiss, hear its howl, and feel the claws sink into my back. The pain. So much pain. I gasp. I welcome it. Let it spread.
Then I keep going, the words coming easier. “I’m sorry for all you suffered.”
I expect another strike, but instead he grabs me by my hair and flings me up against the wall, then his grip is around my neck, choking me.
Calm. Keep pulse low. Conserve oxygen.
I’m not supposed to look at him, but I do. I see dark circles under black eyes. I see black hair falling over a broken face. I see rage. I see pain. I see a beast so lost, he has no idea where to go.
I reach out with my good hand and touch his sunken cheek. His grip tightens and the air thins.
Shayne wants to soften, I can see it, but he can’t. The beast won’t let him.
“Don’t look at me!” he yells.
He strikes my face and then I’m flying. Flying across the room where I land in a heap on the concrete. My hand screams, but I ignore it. He’s coming for me. I hear him. Feel him. Feel his grip.
He drags me by my hair to my feet and jerks my arms up to the shackles that hang from the chain. He’s breathing so hard and so angry when he binds me and cranks the chain up until my feet leave the ground. “This won’t save him. It won’t save him, Ava!”
My heart explodes.
Gavin’s alive!
He’s alive!
A renewed strength builds inside me, easing the fear and greasing the flow of words.
“I’m not doing it to save him,” I say. “I’m doing it to save you.”
“Liar! You’re a fucking liar!!” He strikes my face again and I taste blood.
I swallow it down and gather more words, knowing if there’s ever a time I need to use them, it’s now. They’re all I have. “I can’t save him, I know that. He’s at your mercy, not mine. But I can save you, Shayne. If you’ll let me.” I use his name, even though I’m not supposed to, hoping to reach the man trapped within the beast.
“Don’t call me that!” he shouts. “I told you! You don’t get to call me that!”
He storms off, grabs the Cat off the floor and disappears behind me.
Breathe.
Focus.
The Cat howls and its claws are on my back again, this time ripping me open. The pain forces a scream from my lungs, but it’s okay. I know pain. I know it intimately. I hear the hiss and feel the claws again, and again, and again, all along my back, my hips, my bottom, my thighs. So hard, so brutal, my control starts to slip. So much pain. Too much pain. More than I can manage. He’s on my front now, tearing me open. My breasts, my stomach, my legs, my arms. Tears break and gush down my face. Tears of joy for the man who still lives, and tears of sorrow for the man in front of me.
He drops the Cat, and his hands are on me, smearing my blood all over, like a mad painter at his canvas. It stings and burns, but I let the pain seep, let it soak in while he groans and strokes himself to the sight of me. He moves to my back and enters me in that place. His place. He does it violently, because he has to.
I scream at first, because I tear. But I clench my teeth, focus, dig for pleasure amid the pain. It takes a bit, but I find it. In his thrusts. In his need.
“It’s okay,” I say. “I forgive you.”
His roar shatters my ears and his flesh becomes his weapon, stabbing me with such vicious thrusts I think my insides will break. The blood slithers between my back and his chest while I throw my head back in surrender, resting it against the beast while he rages. I groan, feeling the pleasure rise all its own, even though that’s not what he wants for me. That’s not his intention. He wants only pain for me now, but I take the pleasure anyway. Because that’s what he’s taught me. Pain and pleasure are one. He grows angrier, but can’t help himself, and his fingers surge between my legs, brutally circling me, taking me to that place. Teeth tear open my neck. More blood slithers. So violent, the devouring. When he comes, I come with him.
And then it’s there. That peace. That eye of the hurricane. I hang there, his heart pounding against my back, his heavy breaths like fire along my skin. He buries his head in my neck, and wraps his arms around me, hugging me.
“Ava,” he whimpers.
His body begins to shake. I don’t understand, don’t know what’s happening, until I realize—he’s crying.
“Shayne. It’s okay. I’ll help you. Let me help you.”
“You should’ve killed me,” he weeps. “You should’ve killed me, Ava.”
I think maybe I’ve broken through to him, but he growls and wrenches himself away from me. He’s behind me, pacing back and forth, muttering to himself, words I can’t make out.
“Shayne?”
“What did I tell you?!” he shouts. “There is no more Shayne!” He tears off to The Cage, frantic, searching for something. When he storms back, I see what’s in his hand.
“Please,” I beg. “It doesn’t have to be like this. We can—”
My words are cut off when he shoves the red ball gag in my mouth and secures it tight behind my neck, disarming me.
He’s off to The Cage again, and when he returns, I know what’s coming next. I plead with my eyes, the only weapon I have left, but my plea is lost when he yells, “Don’t look at me like that!” and shoves the blindfold over my eyes.
It’s dark. So dark. But that’s alright. It’s home to me now. I hang with my chin to my chest, bleeding and oozing, my only comfort that Gavin is still safe. The horses are safe. Ben is safe. And I’m going to keep it that way, because I’m going to make things right, even if it kills me.
He paces around me and I hear his whimpers once more, like he’s weeping again. Then he shouts, a loud demented shout, filled with so much rage it rattles my skull. It’s followed by a giant crash that I know is The Cage being tipped over, and another crash that I think is the bed frame being flipped. I brace and hold my breath as things begin to fly by me, whizzing through the air and crashing into walls. I’m in the middle of a tornado, the chain anchoring me in place while all around everything spins out of control, until it suddenly dies out. All I hear now is the loud beating of my heart and his heavy breaths from across the room.
I hang for what feels like an eternity, knowing he watches me. I listen to his breathing, trying to get a read on him. Eventually, his lungs slow, and I wonder if it’s the beast or the man that’s been left standing.
I strain, not sure of the quiet tone I’m hearing. It’s got the familiar eerie sound to it, but it’s…different. Almost like he’s a mix, of both man and beast. An unstable mix.
I hear his footsteps, getting closer, until he’s right in front of me.
“But you knew that,” he sighs, caressing my cheek.
His touch trails down my neck, and over a cut along my breast. I know he touches me, I know it hurts, but all I focus on is his voice.
“I took my gun and waited for him, out back of his house, near that pretty pool of his. When I first got there, I saw him, walking past the living room. I think he must’ve even caught a glimpse of me, because he came over and stood by the slider, looking around. I was crouched down, behind some bushes, and I had him then. Had my gun on him, but I wanted to watch him a bit, wait for just the right moment, but then he left and took off in his car. I thought he’d come back, so I kept waiting and waiting over the next few days, but he never did. So figured I’d try again later. Then I come home to you, and you’re full of all these apologies and offering forgiveness.”
He circles behind me and his fingers graze over the brand, tracing the curve of the M and the R. “I want to believe you, Ava, I really do. But I know what you’re up to. I know you’re just doing anything you can to save him.” His touch moves on from the brand, over my back, and around my other side until he’s standing in front of me again.
“But I’ll tell you what,” he says, leaning in close. “Seeing as how you’re being all merciful, I’ll do the same. After all, relationships are about compromise, right? So I’ll spare his life, again, in exchange for something. Something big. Something that will help us start over. See, I had something made special. Something I wasn’t sure I’d have the balls to use on you, but with everything that’s out in the open now, I think it’s time. And if you can take it…take all that I give you with it, then I’ll let him live and we’ll start fresh. And I won’t use anything over you anymore, including him. You’ll still be my wife of course, and we’ll still have our sessions, but this way we can leave him behind us. Otherwise he’ll always be there, hovering. And then you can prove to me that you really mean those things. Because then you’ll be doing everything for me, won’t you, baby? Just me.”
He pauses and slides his hand up my body until he’s cradling my face, then his lips brush against my ear as he whispers, “But there’s a catch. Normally I love hearing these little whimpers and all your screams, but this time is different. Special. See, I need you to be that little girl on the playground, the one who stole my heart. Sort of a full circle kind of thing. That means I need you quiet, like you were back then. And this will make it more intimate too. So not a sound from you, okay? Just you, me, and the pain. Or else the deal’s off, and I get to kill him. And I know it’s a little unfair, you not knowing what this thing is, but that’s me, isn’t it, baby? I’m not fair when it comes to you. So what do you say?”
I nod, because it will save Gavin and the others, forever. Which is what I set out to do. And who knows, by the strange way Shayne’s talking, maybe it will help save him too.
“That’s my girl,” he says. “So brave.” He strokes my cheek and presses his lips to my forehead. “Be right back.”
He leaves the room, and I begin to tremble, trying so hard not to think about what I’m in for. My only comfort is the lives that will be set free.
The door opens and closes again, and my heart begins to pound and a sweat breaks out on my skin. I hear what sounds like buckles being fastened, then his footsteps grow near and he steps in close.
“I want you to see this, Ava,” he says, taking off my blindfold. “And it’s okay. You can look at me now. Was hard for me before, but you just surprised me is all. Wasn’t expecting all that from you. But everything’s out in the open now, isn’t it? There are no more secrets left between us. And that’s how it should be.”
I blink, my vision fuzzy through the tears. Slowly, he comes into focus and I see his black eyes, filled with a hint of the insane. He smiles, almost innocently, like a little boy, and slides his hand behind my neck and guides my gaze down, until I see it. I try to turn away, but he holds me steady, making me look at it. I begin to cry.
“Shhh, baby,” he says, leaning his head against mine. “It’ll be okay. I promise. I know it looks scary, all covered in metal spikes like that, but I’ll be inside you, too. See? See how I’ve got it strapped on me there, just like a glove? So I’ll still be with you. And I know it’s big, but that’s because I’m big. But this will make you new inside. It’ll get rid of him, and Red too, so you can be mine again. All mine. And it’ll be like the first time—the first time we never got to have together, and I’ll finally get to make you bleed in that way I’ve been dreaming about for so damn long. And I’m going to love you so good with this, Ava. So good, it will bond us so tight. We’ll be like soldiers in a war, sharing something so dark, no one else could ever understand. And don’t worry, I’ll take care of you after, because I know you’ll need time to heal. But then things will be different for us. We’ll be able to start over, start fresh. But remember, if you want him to live, you got to stay quiet, okay? I need that little girl from back on the playground. That was the deal. I’ll leave the gag on, to help you. But not a sound. Just you, me, and the pain, baby. Alright?”
I nod, because it will set them free. That’s all that matters.
He kisses the river of tears bleeding down my cheeks, and slowly hooks his arms under my legs and lifts me up and spreads me open.
I try to center my breathing, but it’s not working. I try to prepare myself for the pain, but that’s not working either. But I’ll get through it. Without a sound. Because I have to. There’s no other option.
Things start shifting inside my head, gearing up for what it has to do. My body primes itself and the adrenaline gushes, spilling fever into my veins.
“And don’t worry, baby,” Shayne says, steering my eyes to his. “I’ll talk you through it, because I know how much you like that.”
I whimper when he lines himself up to my womb. When I feel the sharp cut of the first teeth, something deep inside my mind breaks.
“Look at me, baby,” he says, his voice soft and faint, echoing in my head like he’s faraway. “I want to look into your eyes when I enter you. That’s it. Not a sound from you, okay? But I’ll talk you through it. All the way. I’ll be with you. Just listen to my voice. Listen to me, Ava. Here we go. I’m going to push in now. I know, I know. But I got to push real hard at first, just to get it in there. And yeah, just let those tears flow, but stay quiet, okay? Alright. I’m pushing in. Pushing in.”
I have to be quiet. So quiet. Not a sound. Or else he dies. Green eyes dies. But he won’t die. He’ll be free. They’ll all be free. Forever. And maybe Shayne, too. Because I’m strong. So strong. But the pain. So much pain. Shhhh, stay quiet. Stay so quiet. But oh God, the pain!! THE PAIN!!!!
“Fuuuck, that’s my girl. Look at that, you got the tip in. And look at me, I’m crying now too, because I got you bleeding already. But we got a ways to go, don’t we? But I’ll go slow. I’ll take care of you. But stay quiet. Stay real quiet. You’re trying so hard though, I know. Okay, I’m going to push in more. Here we go. Here we go, baby.”
I feel the push, and his voice drifts further and further away. I hear him say things like how good I am, what a good girl I’m being, and how far it is inside me now. But the words just float inside my mind, like fading whispers, when another voice sounds. I think maybe I’m imaging things, but I know he hears it too. Because he stops, but the pain’s still there. So much pain I want to die. But I stay quiet. So quiet.
Then the voice again. “Shayne! Where the hell are you?!”
“Fuck. What?!!”
“Come on, we got a problem!” The voice is outside the door now, with a fist pounding. “Barn caught fire! And it’s blowing out there. I got the guys doing what they can, but we need help, or it’s going to spread. I’ve called the fire department, but it’ll take them time to get here.”
“Damn it. Damn it!! Alright!” he shouts. “Be right down!”
A slow, painful tug between my legs, followed by a creeping warmth that I know is blood.
“Sorry, baby,” he says, letting my legs down and cradling my face with red sticky hands. He smiles at me, a strange smile. A loving smile. “But we’ll finish this when I get back, I promise. Then we can start over. And don’t worry, you’ll be safe here. When I built this house, I wasn’t going to let a wildfire take you from me. So it’s protected good, all around. To keep my darling girl safe. Because I love you, Ava. I love you so much.” He strokes my cheeks, with teary eyes, looking oddly tender, oddly at peace.
He lets me go and steps back. My head falls because I can’t hold it up, and I hear the sound of buckles and the slide of clothing.
The door opens and I manage to lift my lids and peer through my hair to see Shayne lingering in the doorway. I can barely see him through the haze of pain and the ocean of tears that flood my face, but I know he’s there, looking at me. Then he’s gone and the door closes and locks behind him.