Why was he nervous? He couldn’t remember ever being this nervous going to dinner before.
Because it had nothing to do with dinner and everything to do with the conversation he’d told himself he had to have with her.
When he pulled into her driveway, he saw her standing at the front door waiting for him. He’d like to think it was excitement and anticipation of seeing him again, but he was figuring it was nothing more than she didn’t want him to knock and wake Kayla.
“Wow, you look handsome,” she said. “Like a professor now, but a really sexy one.”
He started to frown, but then changed it to a smile. Her comment was genuine; he could see it with the way she was staring at his face, his glasses on, then her eyes traveling down his body. If she didn’t stop it soon, she’d see the other effect she had on him.
“Thanks,” he said, leaning down to kiss her. She didn’t seem surprised by that move, but rather pleased and it made him want to yank her in for more. Feel her in his arms and not care one ounce if she’d notice the reaction his body was having. A freeing one he hadn’t felt in too long. Maybe never. Not like this.
“Did you have contacts in yesterday?”
“No. I don’t wear my glasses all the time. I don’t need to for the most part. Not up close.”
“How do you drive then?” she asked.
“My sunglasses have a prescription for them.” Which he always wore when outside. His eyes were sensitive to light. She hadn’t commented on the fact he had them on when they were driving, or that he kept them on getting ice cream. She probably didn’t think much of it since she had sunglasses on too.
“Oh,” she said, frowning now.
He handed her the bag. “Steaks. And I grabbed some beer, hope you didn’t mind?”
“No, not at all. You didn’t like the kind I bought?” she asked, walking ahead of him into the kitchen. He heard her. He had his hearing aid in, but she didn’t even notice it. He would have heard her without it though. The house was too quiet, nothing distracting.
“I like it. There are two left. I just figured maybe I’d finish them off tonight, and they’d be there for another day.” He didn’t want her always buying everything. She was a single mother. And though it didn’t look like she was struggling and probably got death benefits from her husband, she still couldn’t be all that well off. Not enough to be buying things he liked. Or solely for him.
Her house was clean with nothing old or worn out, but not a thing that screamed high end, more like “on a budget.” She took care of what was hers, but they were minimalists.
“That’s good. Now I’ll know what you really like for next time.”
She was smiling, so he was glad she took it for what it was. “Can we chat for a few minutes before Kayla wakes up?”
“That’s a good idea. I guess there are a few things I want to say too.”
They walked into the living room. “I’d like to go first.”
“Sure,” she said.
She didn’t look nervous or concerned. Nothing at all like he was feeling. It was slightly demoralizing that he was feeling so insecure for a guy who’d never been insecure about anything in his life ever before.
At least until a year ago.
“Not sure how to start.” He’d never really said this to anyone. He was just realizing that. When he was with a woman before he didn’t say much of anything. It was just one night of pleasure. They saw his scars and they thought it was sexy. Thrilling. Exciting.
No one asked him and he didn’t volunteer, knowing he most likely wouldn’t see them again.
“Start anywhere you feel comfortable,” she said, picking his hand up and holding it. Letting him feel her strength for once. He was right; he needed a strong woman in his life. Should he draw off of it? Maybe lean on her? That was too scary. She didn’t need that in her life and he would have never been able to lean on someone anyway. That thought went sailing into the wind as soon as it entered.
“I haven’t always been a professor. I told you that. This is only my second semester. Before that I was a SEAL, just a step away from being a Lieutenant Commander. Commander was my goal, and it wasn’t out of reach at all. I wanted to lead my own team someday. Make a difference.”
“What happened?” she asked, her thumb rubbing across the top of his hand, soothing the nerves he was pretending weren’t there.
“An explosion in a building. Half the unit didn’t make it. The other half injured. Some more than others. Some returned to active duty, but not me.”
She was looking at him now. Really looking at him, searching for signs of something. To the outside world there weren’t too many. “Why can’t you go back? Or don’t you want to?”
“I have no peripheral vision in my left eye. Even with the glasses my vision in my left eye is minimal. Maybe it’ll get better, who knows. I’m told I could be a candidate for surgery at some point, but there was a lot of damage to my left side. The vision in my right eye isn’t horrible and is corrected with glasses. When we’ve been in your house, I didn’t need them. Not really. You were close enough.”
“I’m sorry, Jared. I had no idea.”
She was showing sympathy and he didn’t want that. He didn’t know what the hell he wanted. Just this weight off his shoulders to start. “It’s not just that.” He turned his head. “Without this hearing aid, I only have about ten percent hearing in that ear.”
She looked closer. “I can barely see it. You haven’t had it on when you’ve been with me? Why?” She was looking a little annoyed and he wasn’t sure what to make of it.
“I haven’t. Embarrassment, I guess. I wear it at work, but most know my history. Out in the public I don’t.”
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. That’s silly,” she said.
“I suppose.”
“What else happened to you?” She was staring at him right now, not smiling, but not frowning. Almost like...thinking.
“I had a lot of injuries to my left side. Lots of scars. Just forewarning you. My leg was pretty busted and I’ve got a pin in it now. I had a punctured lung, broken ribs. Everything is healed for the most part.” At least physically, but he wasn’t going down the other road. That’d be too much way too soon.
“You don’t like to show any weaknesses do you?”
“What made you think that?” he asked, laughing.
“Just a lucky guess.” She wasn’t laughing back though.
***
Hearing what he had to say was making what she wanted to talk to him about much easier. He wouldn’t be telling her these things if he wasn’t looking for more from her, right?
If he wasn’t looking for a future, maybe?
But she was ticked off. Mad at him. Partially for deceiving her, but mostly for being embarrassed. Almost ashamed, if she were to take a guess.
She felt for him and she knew deep down there was more going on. More scars that were probably internal. But if he was hiding something as simple as glasses and a hearing aid from her, then she knew he was hiding something much deeper. Did she want to play games like that with someone?
“I’m glad you told me. But I’m not sure how to respond.”
“Why?”
“Part of me is glad you’re okay and that you’re telling me this as maybe a sign of wanting more with me and Kayla. The other part is pretty frustrated with you.”
He frowned at her. “For what reason?”
“Two reasons. One is that you were hiding it, so it makes me wonder if you’re hiding something else.” She put her hand up when he went to speak. “No, let me finish. The other is what you are thinking about yourself. That you think you’ve got weaknesses because of your injury. That you think now you can’t make a difference because you can’t go back to active duty. That’s kind of stupid reasoning.”
“Stupid?” he said.
“Sorry. My mouth is getting ahead of me.” She straightened up. “No, I’m not sorry. You don’t feel you’re lucky. I get it. It’s because your life changed for you. All the plans you had and wanted now have to be refocused. Guess what? You aren’t alone there. Lots of people were affected the day of that blast. Not just you. And not everyone has as much control over their future. That’s not weakness at all.”
He opened his mouth and closed it. She was pushing her luck. She knew it and was probably turning him off on top of it. But she wasn’t about to end up with someone who was always feeling sorry for himself either. She did that enough in her own life.
“It’s not easy looking in the mirror hoping to see someone that you always thought you’d be and finding out you’ll never have it again.”
“Nope. It’s not. It’s up to you to find something else you want then,” she said, more sarcastic than she planned. What a way to end something with someone before it even started. She was probably better off being alone now that she thought about it. “It’s not how you fall. It’s how you get up and take that next step,” she said, realizing her voice sounded like it did when she was scolding Kayla.
He started to laugh at her though, making her wonder if he was losing his mind. Or maybe she was. “You might be exactly what I need.”
“What?”
“Giving me a swift kick in the ass right now.”
“You’re not mad I said what I did?”
“A little, but it’s the truth and I need to hear it. I need to think of it. I guess I think of it now and again and lose myself in self-pity, then hate myself for doing that. You’re the first person I’ve had this type of a conversation with, and I’m thinking it’s probably long overdue. I wonder if that means something that it’s you I’m talking to. What do you think?”
“That maybe you’re looking for something more than a few dates?” She was lifting her brow at him. She was going to be upfront and honest. She’d come this far. That was what she originally wanted to talk to him about, not getting sidetracked by what he confessed.
“I am. You’re the first person I’ve considered that with since my accident eighteen months ago. Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?”
“Yeah. It’s not just me I have to think about. Not just me I have to consider. I watched how Kayla has been with you and I told myself I had to find out as much as I could. I’m not going to be a plaything for you to pass the time. That’s not how I am. Or who I am.”
“I didn’t think that at all,” he said. “And I thought about what you wanted to talk to me about last night too. Guessing what you might be thinking. I suppose that’s what made my decision to talk to you about all of this easier—my sight and vision—and that deep down I had a feeling you’d understand.”
“Why’s that? Because Ethan died?”
“Yes. And when you say that, and when I think of it, it’s a slap in the face to you that I’m whining about not being who I was before the accident when he’s not even here to try. So yeah, I needed to hear what you just said more than I realized. That though my career path has changed for the moment, I’m still alive, and I’m still able to function day to day when many can’t.”
She zeroed in on the “for the moment” part. “So you plan on being active duty again?” Was she so completely wrong? Could she go through this again? Did she even want to?
“I don’t think so. Not like I’d want to. Vision and hearing have to be at top levels. If I lost my hearing aid in the field, I’d be a weak link. I’d never drag my team down like that. My days of that are over. There are ways I can help other than teaching, but for now, this is where I am.”
She’d take that answer for now. Then deal with whatever came up in the future. Maybe.