Jared sat straight up in bed, the nightmare he hadn’t had in a long time coming to the surface again.
The smell of burning flesh.
Acid smoke and charred debris.
The ringing in his ears.
The moans and cries for help.
All of it was there just like it’d been the moment after he’d realized the bomb went off and concrete collapsed on his body. Then there was nothing but blackness until he woke in the hospital.
He’d lain there for days wondering what was going on. In and out of consciousness in a foreign country. Friends next to him groaning in agony, or what it sounded like once the ringing subsided. Just those on his right. Nothing on his left at all. No vision either. They’d had a patch on his eye for the longest time. Too much damage they’d said. Irreparable.
He was still surprised he didn’t have any scars on his face. Maybe it would have been better than the shrapnel that got in his eye, damaging nerves and muscles. All but blinding him. Pretty much blind since all he saw was fuzzy objects in the distance. Up close wasn’t much better, just bigger blurry objects when he was looking straight ahead.
For months he would jump when someone came at him on his left side. A huge weakness. Not the vision part, but the jumpiness. The being caught unaware. He didn’t care what Shelby said—it was hard for any man to admit he had a weakness. Especially one used to protecting others.
He’d never be good to anyone in the field again. He knew that now, but he still wanted something else. Or so he always thought, but now he wasn’t so sure what he wanted.
Two weeks had gone by since Shelby and he let their hands wander like two teenagers eager for their first taste of sex. They’d been together a handful more times, but nothing more than kissing at this point.
He’d been dreaming of her body and getting his hands on her again.
Until just now. Until he woke up in a sweat remembering that his mind was an equal opportunity tormentor. That it wasn’t always full of dreams. That it didn’t care if you were ready to move on. All it cared about was bringing you back down to earth and letting you know some things were never going to go away. Not fully.
He threw the covers back and climbed out of bed naked, then walked into his bathroom to splash water on his face. He looked at his reflection. The vision in his right eye was fine up close for this.
What he saw was a shaken man. One with a lot of physical scars that he was getting ready to hopefully show Shelby.
Was that why he had the nightmare? That he was hoping tonight would be the night for the two of them and he had nerves over it? Over her reaction to seeing the white and puckered skin on his side and hip. His thigh.
He never thought he was a vain man before, but for some reason, this was making him uneasy.
They hadn’t really talked about sex explicitly for tonight. Nothing more than Shelby had gotten her babysitter to keep Kayla overnight. The first time she’d done it. He was touched more than he cared to say. That she was willing to let her daughter spend the night away from her the first time to be with him.
It had to be why he had the nightmare. The pressure this was putting on him.
Only he didn’t think he was feeling any type of stress. Nothing more than excitement. Too bad his brain was trying to tell him otherwise.
He moved away from the mirror and turned the shower on, then climbed in, prepared to just get on with his day. He had some errands to run and finals to grade. Marks had to be in by the end of the day. He was almost done and probably would have been if he hadn’t been so distracted about this weekend with Shelby.
Several hours later, he made his way to Shelby’s. He was taking her out to dinner. Just the two of them. He wanted fancy. She wanted casual.
He let her have her way.
She opened the door before he had a chance to knock. No nerves on her, at least it didn’t look it.
“Kayla all set?” he asked when he walked in. All she did was grab her purse and turn to leave.
“Yep. She had no problem going over. I’m glad I had the day off, so we ended up spending a little time playing together this morning. She was more excited than anything to spend the night at Nancy’s. I’m not sure if I should be upset or not.”
“Nervous about it?” he asked.
“A little. But it’s two houses over. I can go get her if I need to. I guess that makes it easier.”
“You look pretty.” She didn’t want anything special—her words—but she was wearing a dress. It was the most dressed up he’d seen her. Her hair was still down around her shoulders, and she had some makeup on. Or more than he’d noticed before. Her little purple-and-blue sundress and dainty heeled sandals told him she was putting a lot of effort into tonight, even though she fought him on spending “wasteful” money on a dinner out.
“You’re probably used to women in tight dresses and ice pick heels.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Just guessing. You picture me that way.”
He had. At one point. Now it was the furthest thing from his mind. He found his tastes ran toward petite women with more inner strength than half the men he knew.
“Well, take that picture out of your head. You’re what I want.”
She smiled at him, reached for his hand, then pulled him tight and hugged him. He liked that. He liked it a lot when she made the first move. When she pulled him in. When she brought him back down to earth.
It was just a short drive to a restaurant on the water. They were led back to a table on the deck in the shade. It was warm out, but there was a breeze.
He ordered a beer and she got a glass of wine. “I didn’t know you drank,” he said.
“I don’t often. I never really acquired a taste for it, but I keep trying to find something I’ll like.”
He was oddly touched by that. That she was still trying. That she wasn’t giving up on something as simple as a glass of wine. Why was he giving up on so many things in his life? Time to stop with the damn self-doubt. The internal struggle that he wouldn’t be enough anymore. That he wasn’t whole.
There was someone sitting here across from him right now that made him feel like a fool for all those negative thoughts. Time to end it. Time to man up.
Dinner seemed to fly by. They talked the entire time, but about nothing much at all. Stories about Kayla, potty training nightmares she was going through, all the things that he’d want to know if he were a father. Things that shocked him to realize he was dying to hear.
“You’ve had no help from your family at all? I know you said they still live in Kentucky.”
“No. We’re...estranged is the best word I can come up with.”
He wanted to ask more but decided not to. Decided that it might kill the mood that they both had been trying to maintain. One to get them through this dinner because there was so much anticipation of what was to come at her house. A buzzing in the air that sounded like a swarm of bees ready to move toward their honey.
He paid the bill and they walked back to his SUV. “Did you want to go do anything else?” He hoped not, but felt he should at least offer. It was their first real date after all.
“No,” she said, then took a deep breath. “I want to go back to my house. And I want you to finish what you started on my couch a few weeks ago.”
***
It might have been the boldest she’d ever been, but she’d had no clue what he was waiting for.
He’d already given her one mind-numbing orgasm and that was just on her couch with his hands down her pants. Really? She didn’t even do that in high school. Ethan was her first. Her first everything. Even kiss, as embarrassing as that was.
She didn’t have a lot of experience, but she knew what Jared made her feel was different than what she’d ever felt before. She’d never been so hot before. So urgent or so eager. Jared made her want to just push him onto the bed and rip his clothes off.
Two weeks of waiting for it again was driving her insane. She was starting to think it had to do with Kayla being in the house so she asked Nancy to take her baby for the night, praying this might push him.
She really hoped he wasn’t holding back because of his accident. She knew about his scars. She didn’t care. None of that mattered to her at all. She’d told him enough, and was hoping he finally got the point.
All that mattered right now was that he laughed when she said her bold statement and grabbed her hand and pulled her back to his car, letting her believe she was finally going to have what she’d been waiting for.
“Only if you’re sure,” he said, looking at her as they climbed in.
He didn’t have his glasses on during dinner. She’d come to expect he only wore them when they were together if his eyes were tired or they’d be watching TV or anything where he’d be at a distance of greater than five feet. Otherwise, he had his sunglasses on or nothing. She found he was pretty darn sexy with his glasses.
And he’d had his hearing aid on nonstop now.
“I’m sure. I’ve been sure for days now.”
“Really?” he said, turning to look at her.
“Yes. I figured maybe it’d be better to have the house to ourselves. That maybe that was what was holding you back.”
He laughed even harder. “The only thing holding me back was you giving the go-ahead.”
“Oh. Guess I haven’t been real obvious about it then.”
“Not enough.” He reached his hand over and patted hers on the seat between them. “Now you have been.”
The drive to her house was fast. She was glad they weren’t that far. They got out of his car nice and calm and it was killing her.
She wasn’t calm in the least. She was antsy like she’d never felt before. Like when she was just waiting for Ethan to come pick her up on their first date when he was on leave. She wasn’t even this nervous the night she and Ethan married and she lost her virginity to a man she’d just met in person.
She was looking at Ethan as her savior back then. Jared wasn’t saving her from anything. He was showing her everything she’d missed out on in life so far.
She wasn’t answerable to anyone right now but herself and she knew exactly what she wanted.
The minute the door shut, she backed him against it. “I’m really sorry if you don’t like that I’m forward, but I’ve been waiting for this for what seems like a lifetime.”
“Don’t be sorry. Be any way you want to be,” he said, grinning, and then picked her up and carried her down the hall to her room.
He laid her on the bed and slipped her shoes off her feet, but she stood up and turned her back to him. “Unzip me.”
“I like this side of you. Was it the wine?”
“I barely drank a quarter of it. Not wine. It’s you. I’d say I want to see you naked, but I saw the most important part already. So I guess I’ll just say I want to see it again.”
“You’re making it hard for me to go slow.”
“Who said anything about going slow? Save that for next time,” she said, wiggling out of her dress, then reaching for his shirt.
She didn’t know what had come over her. Maybe it was the wine. Nah. It was him. He was big and strong and sexy as hell. He made her feel weak when she hadn’t felt that way in years. She wanted him to just take her over and under and any way he wanted.
Holy cow! She’d never had those thoughts before either.
“Full disclosure,” she said. “I’m having some pretty wicked thoughts right now, so I’ll apologize if something strange comes out of my mouth.”
“No apologies,” he said, stripping fast. She caught a glimpse of the scars on his side and felt a pang of sympathy, but it wasn’t slowing him down, so there was no reason to draw attention to them.
He pushed her back on the bed and then just moved down her body, bypassing her breasts, and she was disappointed over that. But when his mouth touched her below, she squealed. He stopped and looked up and she said, “Go back to it. Sorry, been way too long.”
She’d always loved that and didn’t get nearly enough of it.
He was working her up quickly, not that she expected otherwise. His mouth covered her completely, pulled in her little bud of pleasure, and then he slid a finger into her and she went from squealing to shouting and was turning the corner on begging. “Jared. Don’t stop!”
He didn’t. He gave no indication he was going to. She was climbing Mount Everest right now, sprinting toward the top, not out of breath, and gaining momentum. Then he nipped her and she hit a wall and started to free fall all the way to the bottom, blissfully floating on a cloud of ecstasy.
She felt him move off the bed, but was almost too weak to open her eyes. “Where are you going?”
“Condom,” he said, looking around in his pants. “You were in such a hurry I didn’t take it out of my pants.”
She watched him bend over. “You’ve got one nice body on you,” she said.
He looked over once he had the condom in his hand. “You do too.”
She scooted up the bed while he put it on. She’d have to figure out some form of birth control at another point so they wouldn’t have to stop again, but for now she was just eying how magnificent he was.
“I know you’re going to be tight,” he said. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Guess you need to make sure I’m not tight again. Stretch me out a bit.” He looked back at her shocked. “Sorry. I told you, full disclosure.”
“Again. No worries. If I’d known you were going to be a wildcat in the bedroom, I wouldn’t have waited.”
“Make it up to me now,” she said, opening her arms for him.
He lay down on top of her and started to ease in. Yeah, she was tight, but it was fine because it was a fullness she’d been craving. Waiting for. Dying for.
“Too much?” he asked.
“Yes, and I love it.”
He laughed again, and then he kissed her and stopped her from saying anything else embarrassing.
Instead, he showed her exactly what she’d been missing and what she’d needed.
She was glad that Jared was the one to show it to her.