Chapter Nineteen: Zara
My fight with Sam has left me shaken. I can’t believe how angry he was. I’d never been with such a loss of control before. His rage was white hot and I was worried he was honestly going to beat Neil to an inch within his life. I can understand why he was so mad. I wanted to slap that asshole for cheating on his wife – and they literally just got back from the honeymoon. I’ve never understood people betraying the person who literally loves them with so much of themselves. I know there are certain circumstances where it can be forgiven, but this time was obviously not the case. Everything about that moment leaves me angry and sad.
Either way, Sam’s reaction was way beyond what it should have been. He needs to learn how to control himself and think about how what he does affects the people around him. I can’t believe some of the things he said to me. Deep down, I know he didn’t mean them, but I shouldn’t be the one who tries to make amends. But I really want to see him again. I spent the night debating whether or not to call him. Just to make sure he was okay. I left him fuming in the middle of the sidewalk. I’m guessing he walked home or called Rich. I know he can take care of himself, but I can’t help, but want him to need me in some capacity. Plus, our night had been on track to be a great one, but seeing him like that – it’s probably better to see him for who is early on, before I let myself really get invested. But that didn’t make it hurt any less.
The next day, I wake up to my alarm, but I’m still exhausted. I don’t know what time I managed to go to sleep last night, but it was late, for sure. And I had to wake up early because Ruby and I have to do some baking for an upcoming party. It seems like Ruby is expanding beyond wedding cakes into just general events. I liked the idea, so I had no objections – even if I didn’t like that idea, I probably would have said nothing.
I take myself out of bed and amble around my room, getting ready with as much slowness as I can spare. I don’t want to work today, I’d rather stay in bed and revel in my self-pity. The sadness I’m enveloped in is almost all consuming which is probably indicative of the fact that I was way more invested with Sam than I had originally hoped. I mean, last night was the night when I was going to tell him that I really liked him. I was going to ask him to have a real relationship with me. The saving grace is that I had kept all those feelings to myself – or we never got to the point of the night where I could have told him, so I was spared that humiliation. But none of that matters – my feelings or lack of desire to move – I can’t bail out on this job. I promised Ruby I’d be there, so I’m going to be there.
I fall asleep on the subway ride there, but wake up at the station right before mine. That must mean I’m becoming a real New Yorker, I can finally predict my station even with my conscious quieted. I want to pat myself on the back for this achievement, but I’m so drained that all I’ve got is a weak congrats in the head. Maybe I’ll buy myself a donut later.
I make my way to Ruby’s office and find her in the kitchen. She has an open book in front of her, but it appears empty, so I have no idea what she’s doing. I say good morning and stand across from her. I give her a lackluster ‘hello’ and wait for her say whatever it is I need to do.
“Oh, Zara. You really are a life-saver. Thanks for agreeing to take me back.” I nod. I don’t know if Ruby is unaware of or ignoring my obvious sadness.
“Of course, Ruby. You gave me my first opportunity and everyone deserves a second chance.” She smiles at me before turning the book in my direction, placing a pen on top of it. I look at it for a few seconds, seeing if I can figure out what she wants me to do, but I can’t, so I wait for instructions.
“Well, I was thinking – before we start baking – you could write down a step-for-step on how you made that cake for Sarah’s wedding?” Her voice goes up very high on the last few words. She’s obviously trying to butter me up by making her speech overly sweet. I patiently wait to see where this is going before I make any judgement. “That way we can have a master recipe book in case one of us has to work an event alone or anything. I’m going to put mine in later, but I thought you could start us off. I’ll leave you to it while I make some calls, sound good?” I nod, smiling. Ruby leaves and, once she’s gone, the faux happiness leaves my face. I can’t believe I fell for her tricks. Sam was right, she’s just using me for my recipes. How could I not see it? Ugh, I feel like an idiot… But I won’t cry or curse the heavens, instead I’ll make a change. I’ll do things differently things time.
I uncap the pen and write, “FUCK OFF,” in large capital letters right in the middle of the page. I’m not going to let people take advantage of me anymore. I’m not some mat to be walked on. I’m my own person who can do her own thing. So, fuck this shit. I walk out and get right back on the subway. I didn’t need the money from working with Ruby – at least not right now. Sam gave me half upfront and I can live off that – putting some into my savings – until I can find another job and start earning in order to get Baker’s Corner open – but I’ll think about all of that later. Right now, I need to figure out what to do about Sam. There are so many things I want to tell him I still want to tell him. But it was only this morning, I was telling myself to say goodbye to him forever. I don’t want to crawl back just because I’m feeling lonely. I have to have some dignity. But is it worth losing out on a guy I really care about? I don’t fucking know… I go home to figure out my next steps. There’s no way it’ll all come to me over one subway ride back to my apartment.