Chapter Eighteen: Sam
Zara and I were on the way to my apartment, when she spotted Neil. We saw him with some woman and she managed to convince me that they could just be friends, but then I saw him kissing her and I fucking snapped. I was about to rush over to him and throw his body into the curve, but I saw the fear in Zara’s face. She was shaking her head, mouthing no and I hated the way she was seeing me. I held back even though pure rage was rushing through. My sister deserved so much better than this fuckwit. I tried to warn her, but no one listened to me and, now, my worst fears have been realized. Why didn’t they fucking listen to me!?!?
I watch as Neil gets into a taxi with the woman and they are soon out of sight. I feel like I shouldn’t have let him get away. Without consequences, he’s just going to keep on fucking around, being a complete dick. My anger doesn’t subside – it just builds and builds until it’s boiling over. I haven’t been this angry in a very long time. I think the last time I felt like this was back when I was a teenager – and back then I was a mess.
I don’t know what to with myself and I’ve got to get all this rage out of me. Since Neil isn’t here for me to yell at, I turn to Zara, blaming her for not letting me beat up that two-timing whore.
“Fuck, Zara! Fuck!” I can’t stay still, so I start walking back and forth. I know that I know I shouldn’t be yelling at her, but my brain isn’t pushing any of those smart thoughts to the front where they’ll do some good.
“I know you’re mad, but we can call Sarah and –”
“This is your fault! God dammit!” Zara stops speaking and she deflates a little. I should see this sign and take back what I said, fixing the damage before causing more, but I’m way too fired up to realize how huge of a mistake I’m making.
“What are you talking about?” Her voice is tinged with sadness, but there’s also a underlying anger.
“You shouldn’t have held me back. I had him. I had that slimy asshole and I could’ve beaten him up. You should’ve let me. It would’ve tough him a lesson he wouldn’t forget.” My fists are inching to hit something – that something being Neil’s face, but I’m reduced to pacing back and forth to try and temper my anger.
“What are you talking about?” she repeats, this time louder. “You’re telling me I should have let you physically assault a man and probably end up in jail. That’s what I should have done?” I can hear the agitation in her voice, but I don’t care. I don’t care about anything except for my missed chance to fuck Neil up.
“Exactly!”
“How would that have helped? What difference would it make if you had beaten Neil up?” It would have made all the difference. He can’t go around thinking he’s allowed to do whatever he wants. He flaunts everything like he’s untouchable and that is the furthest thing from the truth. Everyone can fall. But that’s not what I say. Instead, I spit out the most basic response.
“It would have made me feel better okay? It would have felt nice for my fists to hit his fucking face! But you ruined that for me because you don’t understand. You understand nothing, Zara!” Zara takes a couple of steps back and raises her hands in defeat, but then she comes right back up to me, her face no longer trying to hide any anger or disappointment.
“You know what, Sam? You’re right. I don’t understand. I don’t understand this incessant need of yours to be so fucking in control all the time. To run your sister’s life like she’s some kind of incompetent idiot. I should have let you fuck up your sister’s husband because maybe then you’d be able to get through your thick skull what a selfish asshole you are. Maybe having to go through the police process and facing some real consequences would wake you up. You don’t realize how right your Mom was. You think because of who you are, you have the right to do whatever you want, whenever you want, to whoever you want, but that’s not how life works. There are moments when you have to step back and realize that your methods aren’t the best ones – especially if it includes violence.” I think she has more pissed off words, but she steps away. “You know what? Fuck this. You’re not even worth it. I thought you were or might have been or ugh! And to think – to think I was going to – I was going to… It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m leaving. Enjoy your meal alone.” Zara turns to walk back the way we came, never turning back to look at me once. I watch until she’s out of sight, still pacing up and down and fighting with myself on whether I should chase after her. Obviously, I don’t and I let her walk out of my life, potentially for good.
Now, I’m all alone.