Chapter Twenty: Sam
I’ve been angry with myself ever since that fucker of an argument I had with Zara. After she left – and I gave myself some time to calm down – I realized she was right. Of course, she was right. She only wanted to keep me from making a huge mistake and all I could do was yell at her and make her take all the blame and make her feel like shit when – in fact – none of it was her fault. She did absolutely nothing wrong. She actually kept me from making a huge mistake. The only problem is that I don’t know how to come out and apologize. She hasn’t contacted me in any way and that made me think that she didn’t want to see me. And now – since I’m trying to truly and fully live unselfishly – I don’t want to impose on her. I’m the one who fucked up and because of this I have to deal with the consequences of my blow up. This has made me kind of sad and, today, I’ve taken the day off. Everyone in the office has noticed how off I’ve been and I don’t want to field any more questions.
I’m about to go and lie on my bed after lying on my couch thinking about what I should do today. Hopefully, switching to another location will help. It probably won’t because nothing has these past few days, but I can’t fully descend into self-pity. If that happens, it’ll get a lot worse before it gets even close to better.
I have the entire day off – something that hasn’t happened to me in a long time. I’ve always kept myself busy whether it was with work, women, whatever. Thinking about how I used to do things doesn’t help my depression, so I stop. Or I tell myself to, but that doesn’t work because my other option is Zara and that hurts even more. I’m having trouble remembering what I used to like about my old life. To be honest, I don’t know what my motivations were before. I did things because I was supposed to do them, not because I really wanted to. But Zara has made me want things for me. Serious, deep things. I just wish I knew what to do. I can’t let her go – not without any kind of fight, not without going to her and telling her exactly how I feel… and that’s what I’m going to do.
I jump off my bed and run to the bathroom. This sudden realization has gotten me fired up. When I look at myself in the mirror I see that I look like shit. I haven’t shaved, the dark circles under my eyes have gotten more pronounced, and I just look… like shit. I wonder why no one in the office felt it prudent to let me know this. Today is my first day off, so I’ve been going into the office the last couple days like this. Given I wouldn’t have cared and all my employees are probably too aware of my authority to comment on my appearance. But on second thought, I think Rich may have said something, but I brushed it off. Either way, it doesn’t matter. I need to make myself look better than this. I do a quick shave and wash my face because I don’t want to chicken out. I need to get out of here as quickly as possible before thinking about what I’m doing. I rush downstairs and hail a cab because Rich has the day off – I thought I was going to be home all day, so I saw no reason to make him wait around. But that means I can’t get him over here quick enough.
A taxi pulls up and I give them Zara’s house. We pull up and I get out. Approaching her door, I realize I have no idea what I’m going to say. I spent my time getting myself here that I didn’t take any pause to think about what I would once I get here – especially if Zara turns me down. I mean, that was the whole point – just getting my ass to her without thinking about it. But because of that, I’m in my current predicament. I was a complete dick to her the last time we spoke. I literally blamed her for all of my own bullshit and it was completely unfair. I must be an idiot to think she’ll just forgive me if I show up at her door. Maybe I should have come with a gift or I could have called and at least warned her. I’m doing that thing where I’m not fully thinking about what I’m doing and how it might affect other people. I’ve got to stop being such a fucking non-thinker. I turn to leave and take the subway home, figuring I can come back more prepared next time, when I hear my name.
“Sam?” I turn in the direction of the voice and see Zara walking up the sidewalk to the steps. I start to internally freak out because I still have zero plan. I’m essentially batting blind – and it’s all my fault, so I have no one to blame but myself. Zara comes up the steps and stops just short of me, looking up. “What are you doing here?” She doesn’t look upset or angry that I’m here which is a good sign.
“I wanted to talk to you. Actually, I wanted to –” She stops me, motioning towards the door and for me to follow her.
“Why don’t we talk about this inside. I kind of want to sit down.” I notice she hasn’t smiled either. So maybe my good sign is more of an okay one. I nod and we walk to the top floor, entering her tiny studio. It’s been a while since I’ve been here. There are more decorations up and the space is much better reflection of her. She puts her stuff down on the counter and I see she got her cooking stuff back. I point and comment,
“I see you got your stuff back.”
“Yeah. Thanks for having Rich return it. That was sweet of you.” I hate how stilted and formal our conversation is right now. I know it’s my fault and I need to fix this. We both go and sit on the couch, a conspicuous space between us. She brings her knees to her chest and says, “So, you wanted to talk?” I turn my entire body towards, trying to get all my thoughts gathered. It’s definitely not enough time to form a coherent argument for taking me back, so I end up winging it.
“I did. I wanted to apologize for – I wanted to apologize for yelling at you and blaming you for what amounted to my dumbass being stupid. I’m starting to realize I’m a really big idiot. My Mom and my sister have been trying to tell me that I can’t keep inserting myself into people’s relationships and I never listened. I’ve been acting like I know everything, but I don’t – I don’t know anything. My sister’s marriage has nothing to do with me and beating up Neil would have caused more problems. It’s not just that. I shouldn’t have let my anger consume me like that. My Mom and you were right when you called me selfish. I only thought about how things would make feel instead of considering everyone else. I thought I was being this great, considerate guy, but I wasn’t any better than – Basically, I’m sorry.” Zara has watched me with an unmoving expression on her face. I can’t tell how she’s feeling, but instead of responding to my long-winded apology, she gives me one of her own.
“I think I should apologize too.” This catches me off-guard because it is not remotely close to what I was expecting. For me, two outcomes were possible – Zara accepting my apology and the two of us moving forward or Zara kicking me out and the two of us never seeing one another again. There’s nothing I can see that she did wrong.
“Why?”
“Because you were right too. You were right about Ruby taking advantage of me. She wanted me to write down my recipes, probably so she could claim them for her own.” I’m still confused.
“That’s not a reason to apologize to me.” Zara takes a deep breath and looks up at the ceiling. I can see her thinking and she wipes some hair out of her face before continuing, her chin resting on her knees.
“It’s a part of a bigger problem. I let people walk all over me and I rarely say I’m feeling. I’m not saying you took advantage of me, but I haven’t been totally open with you. There’s so much I kept hidden. Partially because I was afraid to get hurt, partially because I was worried you wouldn’t feel the same way. Maybe there were more reasons – I don’t know, they were excuses in the end. I mean, what you said did hurt me and I’m happy you’ve apologized and don’t ever do it again because I’m not going to be as forgiving a second time.” That sounds about right. I think she’s accepted my apology and all I can do from now on is show her that I’m a better person than I was. But she doesn’t stop there. “What I’m trying to say is, we can both learn something from everything that’s gone on and try to be better versions of ourselves.” I’m not getting kicked out and that is enough to put me over the moon – in fact, it seems we might be working towards working past some of the problems between us.
“I guess neither of us are perfect.” What a revelation. It’s not that deep nor is it particularly new, but it’s a step in the right direction for us.
“What a wise thing you’ve said Sam,” she says on a chuckle. I move closer, closing the space that was created between us. Hesitantly, I put my hand on her cheek and she rubs against my palm.
“I’ve missed you, Zara.”
“I’ve missed you too, Sam.” She touches her lips to my palm and then moves so we’re holding hands. There’s something else about Zara’s confession that’s sticking with me – the fact that we don’t tell each other things about ourselves. I know we had started to open up after our first night together, but all of our confessions were so surface. I want her to know all of me and I want to know all of her. So, I bring it up.
“What did you mean when you said you’ve kept so much hidden?” I patiently wait for her to respond, knowing how hard it is to be one hundred percent open with someone. I don’t know if there’s anyone in my life that I’ve bared my soul to the way I want to bare my soul to Zara.
“Well, to start off – the reason I need to raise money for the bakery is because my Mom died not too long ago and she left me Baker’s Corner. Before she got sick, I hadn’t realized just how much debt we were in. And if I want to reopen there are so many improvements I would have to make. I’m basically drowning and coming to the city was my way of trying to save myself.” I can’t believe I didn’t know this until now. Zara had mentioned her bakery back home, but – I had become so obsessed with the little bubble we had carved for ourselves that I never tried to extend past it. She was always the one trying to get information about my life and I didn’t really offer anything. Instead, I’d keep things vague or surface level. No wonder she never shared with me either. I kept the door so tightly closed.
“Thanks for telling me.” Zara gives me a bittersweet smile and I keep talking because there is something I want to tell her. Something I’ve only just recently realized about myself. “I guess there is something I want to confess too. It’s a revelation I’ve had not too long ago, but when my Dad died, I thought I had to fill his shoes. I spent a lot of my life preparing myself to take over for him. But I’m my own person and being with you – I’ve finally found something just for me. I never expected to like baking so much and I think it’s because you brought out this other side of me I’ve been ignoring.” Zara gets out of the ball she was in and comes to sit right by my side. She rests her head on my shoulder, keeping our hands linked, resting on her chest. I kiss the top of her head and she sighs.
“Do you want to see my Mom’s bakery?” It’s a thought that has occurred to me in passing. There are so many layers to Zara and I want to get to know each and every one of them. She’s done something for me that no other person has and I want to return the favor. I know what I can do may not be as profound, but it’s a start.
“I’d love to.” She snuggles into me further and we stay like this for a while. I don’t know how much time passes and I don’t care.